Random Thoughts About Thoughts Random

[bfj]

One thing you learn pretty quickly when you have kids is that people are not in the least bit shy about giving parenting advice.

I can think of exactly one (1) time where I was happy someone did and it altered my behavior. An ER nurse came up and was super apologetic but still wanted to let me know she sees about a kid a week with a dislocated shoulder from doing the lift-me-up or helicopter thing.

I did that to my kid one time too many! The last time when we were at the doctor we got the same admonition.

Nursemaids elbow. Took my kid to the doctor more than once for this before I learned.

[EdRomero]

You can’t look at my kid and know he has autism so that’s bullshit. He may scream or yell or curse and I’ve had people tell me how I should punish him, smack him, use a belt on him, etc. you have no idea what people are dealing with so getting pissy about it doesn’t help.

Again, I’m not talkin about parents who let their kids run wild. I’m talking about kids having behaviors. There’s a difference between undisciplined and struggling.

Reread this and didn’t mean to come off dickish. It’s a sensitive topic.

I didn't want to come across with the message people here are parenting wrong; I can't imagine how someone could give parenting advice to a stranger in person unless someone asked for it, and when asked or if I have a flustered parent apologizing to me, the main thing for me to do is to reassure the parent and be supportive. One of the reasons I quit my early intervention job years ago was so much of the job was telling parents that they were "parenting wrong" and then following up teaching them the tools to improve. Telling someone that what they chose to do for their children out of love and with a lot of thought was wrong was heartbreaking.

Anyway, in general, I am worried about how cell phone usage is affecting children. Someone may have a perfectly good reason to let their child use a cell phone for awhile at a restaurant, but big picture, increased cell phone use by children and their care-givers is really bad for kids.

[bfj]

I would laugh at a person with no kids telling me I am parenting incorrectly. That’s not a shot at you, Alan. Just in general.

[EdRomero]

I would laugh at a person with no kids telling me I am parenting incorrectly. That’s not a shot at you, Alan. Just in general.

It is kind of a shot because it dismissive of all of work, experience, and knowledge people in the field have. Would you laugh at my mentor with a Masters in Applied Behavior Analysis, over 25 years of experience and thousands of success stories because she never had a child?

[brian]

I would laugh at a person with no kids telling me I am parenting incorrectly. That’s not a shot at you, Alan. Just in general.

It is kind of a shot because it dismissive of all of work, experience, and knowledge people in the field have. Would you laugh at my mentor with a Masters in Applied Behavior Analysis, over 25 years of experience and thousands of success stories because she never had a child?

Yeah, I was just going to say that I don't think having children is a prerequisite for understanding the psychology of children, no more than being a woman would make you incapable of being a therapist (physical, psychological or otherwise) for men.

[bfj]

Child Psychology isn’t the same as parenting.
Teaching isn’t the same as parenting. Maybe that’s just semantics to you, but there’s a big difference to me.

I would never go into a meeting with a trained teacher who has degrees and years of experience and tell them they are teaching wrong. Why would they listen to me? My wife who is their peer can certainly tell them that.

I’ve worked with behavioral psychologists with 25 years of ABA experience since my kid was 3. They don’t tell me I’m parenting wrong. They talk to me about behaviors and suggest strategies, they don’t talk about parenting styles and they certainly don’t criticize.

Parenting doesn’t come from books, everyone is different. What my kid does at home doesn’t happen at school and vice versa.

I’m not trying to be a douche and truly I am sorry if I came off that way. Again, touchy subject with me because of the amount of people who have criticized my parenting styles when they know nothing about me or my kid.

[EdRomero]

Ok, that makes sense and I don't remember someone ever literally saying "you're parenting wrong." The stuff I remember from years ago was, "Don't hug your child the instant he screams, guide him to use the communication strategy early intervention teachers have been developing with your child," "don't 'protect' 'your child by keeping her inside 24 hours a day; get her interacting with other children." It feels like you're saying they're parenting wrong even when it's presented as suggesting strategies.

[bfj]

Ok, that makes sense and I don't remember someone ever literally saying "you're parenting wrong." The stuff I remember from years ago was, "Don't hug your child the instant he screams, guide him to use the communication strategy early intervention teachers have been developing with your child," "don't 'protect' 'your child by keeping her inside 24 hours a day; get her interacting with other children." It feels like you're saying they're parenting wrong even when it's presented as suggesting strategies.

I love all of that stuff. Again, just semantics, I guess. Still love me?

[EdRomero]

Ok, that makes sense and I don't remember someone ever literally saying "you're parenting wrong." The stuff I remember from years ago was, "Don't hug your child the instant he screams, guide him to use the communication strategy early intervention teachers have been developing with your child," "don't 'protect' 'your child by keeping her inside 24 hours a day; get her interacting with other children." It feels like you're saying they're parenting wrong even when it's presented as suggesting strategies.

I love all of that stuff. Again, just semantics, I guess. Still love me?

Always (unless the Pats are playing the Ravens)

[rass]

You guys are Swamping wrong.

[A_B]

Shut the fuck up rass. Only real swampers know what swamping right looks like.

[bfj]

Shut the fuck up rass. Only real swampers know what swamping right looks like.

You’re funny. Don’t text me.

[TT2.0]

Shut the fuck up rass. Only real swampers know what swamping right looks like.

You’re funny. Don’t text me.

"Things women say to me after comedy shows"

[A_B]

Getting back to random, consider this a ringing endorsement for Bodyarmor Lyte drinks. 40 calories a bottle and pretty tasty.

[Sabo]

I hope there's a special section in Hell for people who write the entire text of an email in the subject field.

[mister d]

There is its called working with you!!!

[Giff]

I would laugh at a person with no kids telling me I am parenting incorrectly. That’s not a shot at you, Alan. Just in general.

It is kind of a shot because it dismissive of all of work, experience, and knowledge people in the field have. Would you laugh at my mentor with a Masters in Applied Behavior Analysis, over 25 years of experience and thousands of success stories because she never had a child?

Of course I would if she was being judgmental about how my kids were acting or that they were watching a phone at dinner after my wife and I spent a cumulative 18 hours in the office, 4 hours on the road in traffic to come home and actually parent these children she studies.

[Giff]

Seriously, while I know I have it a lot easier than many other parents, being a parent is by far the most difficult thing I've done in my entire life. I have little to zero patience for anyone judging how I'm keeping my kids alive. But if you don't have kids at all, I will tell you to fuck off and be fucking done with you if you have the audacity to judge me.

[BSF21]

Seriously, while I know I have it a lot easier than many other parents, being a parent is by far the most difficult thing I've done in my entire life. I have little to zero patience for anyone judging how I'm keeping my kids alive. But if you don't have kids at all, I will tell you to fuck off and be fucking done with you if you have the audacity to judge me.

Obviously not at you here, but I still don't buy this "you don't have kids so you can't identify shitty parenting in the wild" mentality. I'm not talking about nitpicking phone usage or disputing the way someone handles a kid's attitude or the like. I'm talking letting a child run around with no supervision, make messes and expect others to clean them up, do things around other children that might put them in danger. I don't need to have my own child to tell you that's shitty parenting.

I'm sure all your kids are great, and when they aren't, you address it.

Here's a good story for an example that we went through. We're sitting at a public park in Minneapolis with my wife's family. Their grandkids are playing on the playground and there's lots of people around. There's a...let's call him 6-7 year old, who has one of those plastic bubble car things that you can put small kids in that has an extendable handle so the kid can use their feet to play or you can pull the handle out and push the thing around with the kid in it. 6-7 year old is pushing what I assumed to be an 18-24 month old kid around this playground wear in this car at excessive speed. Nearly hitting other children and adults walking on the path, and pushing this thing on 2 wheels Dukes of Hazzard style. Parent of the kid is just sitting on a bench watching it, down at his phone, watching it, repeat. The toddler was clearly in a very dangerous situation and several people had tried to get the kid to slow down, which his parent ignored. What's the play?

[mister d]

Ehhh ...

[rass]

I'll almost always do so silently, or maybe after the fact with my wife, but feeling morally superior to other, shittier parents is one of the great joys of parenthood so yeah I'll be judging THE FUCK out of you.

[mister d]

I really, really strongly don't buy "all parents inherently know how to raise children better than non-parents". They're simply more experienced.

[A_B]

I really, really strongly don't buy "all parents inherently know how to raise children better than non-parents". They're simply more experienced.

I seen some shit, man.

[Nonlinear FC]

Seriously, while I know I have it a lot easier than many other parents, being a parent is by far the most difficult thing I've done in my entire life. I have little to zero patience for anyone judging how I'm keeping my kids alive. But if you don't have kids at all, I will tell you to fuck off and be fucking done with you if you have the audacity to judge me.

Obviously not at you here, but I still don't buy this "you don't have kids so you can't identify shitty parenting in the wild" mentality. I'm not talking about nitpicking phone usage or disputing the way someone handles a kid's attitude or the like. I'm talking letting a child run around with no supervision, make messes and expect others to clean them up, do things around other children that might put them in danger. I don't need to have my own child to tell you that's shitty parenting.

I'm sure all your kids are great, and when they aren't, you address it.

Here's a good story for an example that we went through. We're sitting at a public park in Minneapolis with my wife's family. Their grandkids are playing on the playground and there's lots of people around. There's a...let's call him 6-7 year old, who has one of those plastic bubble car things that you can put small kids in that has an extendable handle so the kid can use their feet to play or you can pull the handle out and push the thing around with the kid in it. 6-7 year old is pushing what I assumed to be an 18-24 month old kid around this playground wear in this car at excessive speed. Nearly hitting other children and adults walking on the path, and pushing this thing on 2 wheels Dukes of Hazzard style. Parent of the kid is just sitting on a bench watching it, down at his phone, watching it, repeat. The toddler was clearly in a very dangerous situation and several people had tried to get the kid to slow down, which his parent ignored. What's the play?

Maybe it's the fact that I've been in a coach situation for almost 15 years, and I used to work summer baseball camps as a counselor, but I don't have a problem in that scenario telling the kid, politely, that he needs to slow down and watch for others. If the dad gets all chesty, I'm diplomatic enough to just say "hey, no big deal, but he almost hit a few people so wanted him to be aware." If you want to fight me about that, well...

I've been in many situations at our pool where a kid was acting like an asshole and the parent wasn't around (not thru negligence, just the way pools and the grounds are set up) and I've told him/her to cut the shit. That's slightly different because there's somewhat of a "It takes a village" vibe at the pool, but it's in the general vicinity.

Don't be a dick about it, but if a kid is being dangerous or just generally shitty and the parent is zoned out or not close enough to deal with it...

Now, would I ever say something at a restaurant or that type of setting where you're going to confront the parent? Highly unlikely.

[Nonlinear FC]

That said, I've straight up told parents to get their kids shit in check on airplanes. Stop kicking my chair, stop slamming the tray table.

[sancarlos]

You aren't necessarily a better parent through experience, but you are more empathetic to a parent dealing with a tough situation.

Before I had kids, I'd be sitting on a plane, and would seethe if I had to listen to a crying or otherwise noisy kid. Now, I typically remember back to when I was the parent of that kid and feel for those people, maybe give a word of encouragement to the parents if I'm nearby. I think that's what experience gives you.

[mister d]

Kicking the chair is different since its direct infringement versus general annoyance.



(On the flipside, its 100% ok to kick the chair in front of you every 3-4 minutes if the asshole fully reclines onto your lap.)

[brian]

I think "kid crying on an airplane" is the one stereotypical non-parenting situation that I have the most empathy for. I've flown probably close to a million miles in my life and it's never a good time, but I realize people have to occasionally take kids on flights and kids of a certain age are just going to not want to deal with that experience (on top of the physical issues with flying that babies/toddlers are not experienced in dealing with).

I'm not saying I don't secretly wish the damn kid would just shut up already, but not sure what a parent is supposed to do in that situation other than try to soothe the child as best they can. It's literally the one situation that a non-parent should be able to understand since almost no one enjoys the experience of flying these days (or shouldn't unless you're some kind of maniac or can afford first class).

My silent judgment/hate is reserved solely for people who don't seem to give a shit what their kids are doing in public settings (and even then I'll give people a little bit of time to figure out what's going on -- you can't eagle eye your kids 60 minutes out of every hour -- I get that too). But if you're just not giving a fuck and sipping your chardonnay while your kid is running around a restaurant willy-nilly for 15 minutes straight without any kind of an admonishment to settle down then fuck yes I'm going to (silently) judge you.

[Giff]

Seriously, while I know I have it a lot easier than many other parents, being a parent is by far the most difficult thing I've done in my entire life. I have little to zero patience for anyone judging how I'm keeping my kids alive. But if you don't have kids at all, I will tell you to fuck off and be fucking done with you if you have the audacity to judge me.

Obviously not at you here, but I still don't buy this "you don't have kids so you can't identify shitty parenting in the wild" mentality. I'm not talking about nitpicking phone usage or disputing the way someone handles a kid's attitude or the like. I'm talking letting a child run around with no supervision, make messes and expect others to clean them up, do things around other children that might put them in danger. I don't need to have my own child to tell you that's shitty parenting.

I'm sure all your kids are great, and when they aren't, you address it.

Here's a good story for an example that we went through. We're sitting at a public park in Minneapolis with my wife's family. Their grandkids are playing on the playground and there's lots of people around. There's a...let's call him 6-7 year old, who has one of those plastic bubble car things that you can put small kids in that has an extendable handle so the kid can use their feet to play or you can pull the handle out and push the thing around with the kid in it. 6-7 year old is pushing what I assumed to be an 18-24 month old kid around this playground wear in this car at excessive speed. Nearly hitting other children and adults walking on the path, and pushing this thing on 2 wheels Dukes of Hazzard style. Parent of the kid is just sitting on a bench watching it, down at his phone, watching it, repeat. The toddler was clearly in a very dangerous situation and several people had tried to get the kid to slow down, which his parent ignored. What's the play?

Most likely what Nonlinear FC said. I have no problem with people looking out for my kid if they see them doing something stupid and see that I'm not seeing it. But the point is you have no idea what that guy is looking down at his phone at or what that guy is going through other than the few minutes you've spent at the same park. He could be looking down because he had to skip a meeting at work so someone could be with the kids that day. Maybe he's waiting on an update on a sick relative. Maybe he's checking the fucking score of the game because god forbid parents do that and might not see every little transgression their child does. My kids suck sometimes. I suck sometimes as a parent. It doesn't help for strangers to remind me of that.

[Nonlinear FC]

I think "kid crying on an airplane" is the one stereotypical non-parenting situation that I have the most empathy for. I've flown probably close to a million miles in my life and it's never a good time, but I realize people have to occasionally take kids on flights and kids of a certain age are just going to not want to deal with that experience (on top of the physical issues with flying that babies/toddlers are not experienced in dealing with).

I'm not saying I don't secretly wish the damn kid would just shut up already, but not sure what a parent is supposed to do in that situation other than try to soothe the child as best they can. It's literally the one situation that a non-parent should be able to understand since almost no one enjoys the experience of flying these days (or shouldn't unless you're some kind of maniac or can afford first class).

My silent judgment/hate is reserved solely for people who don't seem to give a shit what their kids are doing in public settings (and even then I'll give people a little bit of time to figure out what's going on -- you can't eagle eye your kids 60 minutes out of every hour -- I get that too). But if you're just not giving a fuck and sipping your chardonnay while your kid is running around a restaurant willy-nilly for 15 minutes straight without any kind of an admonishment to settle down then fuck yes I'm going to judge you.

1) Little kids often have fucked up inner ear issues while that complex mass is still developing. Or their sinuses are fucked up. Kids cry during take off and landing, quite often because they are in physical pain. I once was flying to SFO and had no issues the entire flight (I was 15 at the time) but when we descended, something in my septum was fucked up and I've never been in so much pain before or after. Hot needle into my cheeks.

2) I once had to fly down to meet my wife in FL, she was at a conference so I was solos. My boy was just not having it and he was crying pretty much the entire flight. I actually have almost a condition where crying babies drives me a little crazy, so having my son losing his shit for a 2.5 hour flight was torture. Here's the thing: Multiple passengers tried to help soothe him, as did the staff. I was almost in tears and everyone around me were incredibly sympathetic. It would've been a NIGHTMARE if I'd had a bunch of assholes making it worse.

3) Noise-cancelling headphones are one of the fucking greatest inventions in the history of air travel. Even if the baby crying seeps through, it's literally barely background noise. It's almost like a super power at that point.

=-=-==-=-=

Now, back to plane specific hatred and judging. Cross country flight, family of 4 gets on sits behind us. Kids are about 3 and 5... They need to be tended to. This fucking mom and dad brought ZERO for these kids to do. 5+ hour flight. They were screaming and banging on our chairs and THE WORST.

So, sorry, I'm gonna judge the fuck out of them in that scenario.

[mister d]

1) Little kids often have fucked up inner ear issues while that complex mass is still developing. Or their sinuses are fucked up. Kids cry during take off and landing, quite often because they are in physical pain. I once was flying to SFO and had no issues the entire flight (I was 15 at the time) but when we descended, something in my septum was fucked up and I've never been in so much pain before or after. Hot needle into my cheeks.

I'm positive I've posted this before here, but in case anyone missed it, I still have all these issues to a horrific degree but Afrin fixes it. 15 minutes before take-off and the start of the descent (although longer ones can still cause issues).

[Nonlinear FC]

This is kicking up memories.

Strapped my kid into one of those strollers where it can totally recline. Total brain fart move as I start to move up some steps and didn't think about how tilting the front wheels forward would allow him to slip out the back. (Kind of a fucked up stroller and surprised it didn't have more legal issues.) Boy slides out and bonks his little head and gives me some righteous bawling as a result.

So, there I am, scooping up my little boy and comforting him when some fucktard walks up and starts reprimanding me about the fact that it was cold out and my son didn't have a beanie on. I guess he thought that's why he was crying. And he wouldn't leave me alone. My wife was already inside, which was a good thing, because...

Honest to God, in that moment I was already red-line upset (at myself) and had I been able to hand off my boy to someone, this guy would've received a fucking knuckle sandwich. Or some menacing gestures/posturing and some harsh language. Hard to say...

[mister d]

Now, back to plane specific hatred and judging. Cross country flight, family of 4 gets on sits behind us. Kids are about 3 and 5... They need to be tended to. This fucking mom and dad brought ZERO for these kids to do. 5+ hour flight. They were screaming and banging on our chairs and THE WORST.

So, sorry, I'm gonna judge the fuck out of them in that scenario.

These are the scenarios I do what Giff does and thinks "what if one of the parents siblings died suddenly and they're flying out for services". False/forced empathy. Except for the chair kicking.

[Nonlinear FC]

1) Little kids often have fucked up inner ear issues while that complex mass is still developing. Or their sinuses are fucked up. Kids cry during take off and landing, quite often because they are in physical pain. I once was flying to SFO and had no issues the entire flight (I was 15 at the time) but when we descended, something in my septum was fucked up and I've never been in so much pain before or after. Hot needle into my cheeks.

I'm positive I've posted this before here, but in case anyone missed it, I still have all these issues to a horrific degree but Afrin fixes it. 15 minutes before take-off and the start of the descent (although longer ones can still cause issues).

Does it feel like you wanted your teeth extracted? I'll never forget that feeling.

[mister d]

This is kicking up memories.

Fuck, same now. I can't remember what this lady with a cigarette said to correct me, but when Q asked what she just said to me, I responded "that lady who smokes told me I should/shouldn't _______" knowing it would get Q to demonstrably counter-judge her. It was great.

[mister d]

Does it feel like you wanted your teeth extracted? I'll never forget that feeling.

I've had that, but its usually more my eardrums trying to explode outward.

[The Sybian]

1) Little kids often have fucked up inner ear issues while that complex mass is still developing. Or their sinuses are fucked up. Kids cry during take off and landing, quite often because they are in physical pain. I once was flying to SFO and had no issues the entire flight (I was 15 at the time) but when we descended, something in my septum was fucked up and I've never been in so much pain before or after. Hot needle into my cheeks.

I'm positive I've posted this before here, but in case anyone missed it, I still have all these issues to a horrific degree but Afrin fixes it. 15 minutes before take-off and the start of the descent (although longer ones can still cause issues).

Good tip. Do they sell Afrin at airports, or are the bottles small enough to get through TSA? On half the flights I've taken, I can feel pressure shifting through my sinuses. It feels like someone is pulling a marble on a string through a very narrow, slightly flexible tube, over the course of maybe 10 minutes. Usually the people in the seats next to me can hear the accompanying high pitched sound. I once flew with a sinus infection, and people 10 rows back were discussing the noise, trying to figure out what it was, while the people in my row looked at me with horror. That was insanely painful. Someone gave me Tylenol with Codeine, which was great, but I was flying back from my HS trip to Russia, and the lovely Stewardesses of Finn Air served alcohol to 16 year olds. Sinus infection, Codeine, and alcohol on an airplane was a horrible idea. I ended up with a major case of the spins, passed out in an empty row in the smoking section (Ha! I'm that old!), and woke up to find the girl I had a huge crush on making out with a total douchebag on our trip.

That story took some weird turns I wasn't thinking about for a couple decades. Anyways, you all fucking suck at parenting and I am superior to all of you.

[mister d]

They sell it at airports but its usually the liquid that goes straight into your lungs rather than the pleasant mist. Never had an issue carrying it on.

[TT2.0]

your kid hits me, I hit your kid. Other than that, parent how you want to.

[The Sybian]

They sell it at airports but its usually the liquid that goes straight into your lungs rather than the pleasant mist. Never had an issue carrying it on.

I've become a huge fan of the neti pot. Knocks out sinus infections long before they become a problem, seem to stop sinus headaches before they hit, and helps with allergies.