Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Okay . . . let's try this again.

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TT2.0
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by TT2.0 »

thank you guys. im in a better headspace today.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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Pruitt wrote: Sat Jun 08, 2019 10:51 am 90 days sober is an amazing accomplishment. Absolutely incredible.
This.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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degenerasian wrote: Fri Jun 07, 2019 3:49 pmAnd she wants one more than me, so i think the pressure is getting to her.
Is this just phrasing or a hit the brakes comment?
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by Steve of phpBB »

I'm pulling for both of you guys. Keep at it.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by degenerasian »

sancarlos wrote: Sat Jun 08, 2019 11:09 am So, Degen, my wife had a really hard time getting pregnant. Tried for three years, took fertility shots, etc. Nothing seemed to work. They checked me out and determined I had live bullets, and they assumed the only thing wrong with her was that she wasn't young. But then she got a complete physical exam, and because she had bad cramps, they thought she might have something called endometriosis and she had a procedure called a laparoscopy done to correct it. Shortly after that, got her knocked up - even without fertility aids. My point to this story being - has your wife had a complete physical exam to ensure there isn't a medical reason she hasn't gotten pregnant?

Both TT and Degen - I'm really pulling for you guys and sending good vibes to you.
thanks sancarlos.

We've gone to different family doctors and done many ultrasounds. My wife was also thinking it could be endometriosis but that seems to have been rules out. The basic lab tests couldn't find anything as ultrasounds seem poor to spot these things and finally referred us to a fertility clinic. The clinic did 3 tests, blood, egg count and blockage. They all pretty much failed. She has low egg count, weak eggs and blockage in both Fallopian tubes. She is scheduled for surgery on July 23 to see if the blockage can be fixed. If it is fixed, we can continue to try naturally (at the risk it may clog again in a few months), otherwise the tubes will be deemed too damaged and will be taken out. IVF would be the only way forward if that happens.

Whatever the result in the 23rd, increasing egg health is the key so we're looking for ways to improve that. She has booked an appointment with a nearby integrated medicine clinic. Whatever black magic this is, we'll see.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by TT2.0 »

Hey Degen, just hope your holding up well with all the waiting
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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TT2.0 wrote: Mon Jun 17, 2019 2:25 pm Hey Degen, just hope your holding up well with all the waiting
Thanks TT. That means a lot to me.
The last few days have been better. She's preoccupied with work and driving lessons.
I've just been lounging around watching sports. I also took my dad out for lunch as well.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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So we saw the black magic doctor (as I will refer to him) and it was very informative. 1 hour session turned into nearly 2 hours because he had so many questions. He's given her some preliminary medication to help with the surgery in July and then will treat her accordingly afterwards depending on the result. He's also trying to get her previous lab tests back but that's like pulling teeth.

So wife feels better because someone is finally listening to her concerns, whereas family doctors just say you're fine, go home. I wish I had found this guy a year ago. I feel like I'm always a step behind in everything, it's frustrating.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by sancarlos »

degenerasian wrote: Thu Jun 20, 2019 10:37 am So we saw the black magic doctor (as I will refer to him) and it was very informative. 1 hour session turned into nearly 2 hours because he had so many questions. He's given her some preliminary medication to help with the surgery in July and then will treat her accordingly afterwards depending on the result. He's also trying to get her previous lab tests back but that's like pulling teeth.

So wife feels better because someone is finally listening to her concerns, whereas family doctors just say you're fine, go home. I wish I had found this guy a year ago. I feel like I'm always a step behind in everything, it's frustrating.
Just having a guy who helps your wife feel more comfortable and relaxed is probably worth it, even if he can't provide much medical help. Good luck!
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Ryan
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by Ryan »

sancarlos wrote: Thu Jun 20, 2019 11:11 am
degenerasian wrote: Thu Jun 20, 2019 10:37 am So we saw the black magic doctor (as I will refer to him) and it was very informative. 1 hour session turned into nearly 2 hours because he had so many questions. He's given her some preliminary medication to help with the surgery in July and then will treat her accordingly afterwards depending on the result. He's also trying to get her previous lab tests back but that's like pulling teeth.

So wife feels better because someone is finally listening to her concerns, whereas family doctors just say you're fine, go home. I wish I had found this guy a year ago. I feel like I'm always a step behind in everything, it's frustrating.
Just having a guy who helps your wife feel more comfortable and relaxed is probably worth it, even if he can't provide much medical help. Good luck!
Entire subgenres, I mean fields of medicine, are based on this idea!
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by The Sybian »

Ryan wrote: Thu Jun 20, 2019 11:27 am
sancarlos wrote: Thu Jun 20, 2019 11:11 am
degenerasian wrote: Thu Jun 20, 2019 10:37 am So we saw the black magic doctor (as I will refer to him) and it was very informative. 1 hour session turned into nearly 2 hours because he had so many questions. He's given her some preliminary medication to help with the surgery in July and then will treat her accordingly afterwards depending on the result. He's also trying to get her previous lab tests back but that's like pulling teeth.

So wife feels better because someone is finally listening to her concerns, whereas family doctors just say you're fine, go home. I wish I had found this guy a year ago. I feel like I'm always a step behind in everything, it's frustrating.
Just having a guy who helps your wife feel more comfortable and relaxed is probably worth it, even if he can't provide much medical help. Good luck!
Entire subgenres, I mean fields of medicine, are based on this idea!
This was brilliant. And Degen, happy to hear your wife found a medical professional who is helping her.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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Happy your wife found a bit of comfort in all this.you really have to trust your doctor or whats the point? Hope you have a smooth time til the next appointment
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by TT2.0 »

Today is a really rough day for me. it seems stupid to bitch when things are going well, but my thoughts are brutal. This is what it sounds like in my head right now.
Too soon. its too fast. 125 days ago you were borrowing money for pills. Now youve almost completely changed careers. booked in vegas. paid gigs. new friends. aa meetings. so many people know me.

Right now im scared of the future, regretful of my past, afraid im not good enough to take advantage of the doors that have opened..i just...fuck you guys. i wasnt supposed to be here yet. i wanted more time. i wanted to help other people get sober so i talked about my shit. i wonder if the choice i made to fight this openly and plainly was the right one. i miss anonymity a little. what happens if i fail? everyone is watching me.

my brain is also telling me that im not funny and im not even good enough to make anybody laugh, and that i should stop now before everyone finds that out.
My brain wants me to burn every joke i ever wrote and delete social media.

its not a good day. thanks for letting me vent
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by Pruitt »

TT2.0 wrote: Thu Jul 11, 2019 4:00 pm Today is a really rough day for me. it seems stupid to bitch when things are going well, but my thoughts are brutal. This is what it sounds like in my head right now.
Too soon. its too fast. 125 days ago you were borrowing money for pills. Now youve almost completely changed careers. booked in vegas. paid gigs. new friends. aa meetings. so many people know me.

Right now im scared of the future, regretful of my past, afraid im not good enough to take advantage of the doors that have opened..i just...fuck you guys. i wasnt supposed to be here yet. i wanted more time. i wanted to help other people get sober so i talked about my shit. i wonder if the choice i made to fight this openly and plainly was the right one. i miss anonymity a little. what happens if i fail? everyone is watching me.

my brain is also telling me that im not funny and im not even good enough to make anybody laugh, and that i should stop now before everyone finds that out.
My brain wants me to burn every joke i ever wrote and delete social media.

its not a good day. thanks for letting me vent
Vent away. Let it all out.

I just deleted a bunch of trite advice. Just fight through this - you've seen the light at the end of the tunnel. Keep going.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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Listening to a podcast the other day, actor guy who I won't name because it might undercut the message.

His big mantra is that nothing is permanent, including the negative space your head might be in at the moment. Even though I don't deal with depression, I tell myself this when I'm things are shitty. It helps. It's cliche (this, too, shall pass) but there's truth in cliches.

And like we were saying yesterday... No matter what self-doubt you experience, and I know it's real and impossible to shake... That dude picked YOU, and he has no other incentive than he wants a funny motherfucker opening up and getting his crowd going. There's just no other explanation, no matter what your brain is trying to fuck you up with.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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TT2.0 wrote: Thu Jul 11, 2019 4:00 pm Today is a really rough day for me. it seems stupid to bitch when things are going well, but my thoughts are brutal. This is what it sounds like in my head right now.
Too soon. its too fast. 125 days ago you were borrowing money for pills. Now youve almost completely changed careers. booked in vegas. paid gigs. new friends. aa meetings. so many people know me.

Right now im scared of the future, regretful of my past, afraid im not good enough to take advantage of the doors that have opened..i just...fuck you guys. i wasnt supposed to be here yet. i wanted more time. i wanted to help other people get sober so i talked about my shit. i wonder if the choice i made to fight this openly and plainly was the right one. i miss anonymity a little. what happens if i fail? everyone is watching me.

my brain is also telling me that im not funny and im not even good enough to make anybody laugh, and that i should stop now before everyone finds that out.
My brain wants me to burn every joke i ever wrote and delete social media.

its not a good day. thanks for letting me vent
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by Steve of phpBB »

That sucks, TT. I hope tomorrow’s a better day for you.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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I posted this on fb, but it kinda fits here too. Im simultaneously beating myself up for my career moving too fast and beating myself up for not getting here in time. Sorry for the long post.

So I was sitting in my house typing up jokes for my first actual booked comedy performance on monday, and i realized that the laptop im typing on used to belong to my Godfather Tom Ladd, who passed away a few months ago and so much stuff just kind of hit me at once.

I might not have been related to him by blood, but if I can look at one thing I have, I definitely inherited my fucked up sense of humor from him. We used to call each other and tell each other ridiculously disgusting jokes. He would laugh at anything. At everything. No matter how awful, how stupid, how offensive, I could ALWAYS make Tom laugh. He didnt believe in too soon.

I guess Im just a little sad today. I have a little bit of reget in me. He never got to see me get sober. He never got to see me get married. He never got to see me go onstage and make a crowd of people laugh. By the time I figured out how much he showed me who I wanted to be as a person, it was too late to thank him. I miss my godfather. I owe him so very very much. Its killing me right now that I wont hear him laugh on Monday. I know he would have loved it. I know this is a dumb joke, a slightly offensive joke, one you've heard me use before on Facebook, but the first time he told me this joke i was 12, and hes used it on me 1000 times since, but i still laugh.

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I miss you today Tom.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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Nonlinear FC wrote: Thu Jul 11, 2019 4:12 pm Listening to a podcast the other day, actor guy who I won't name because it might undercut the message.

His big mantra is that nothing is permanent, including the negative space your head might be in at the moment. Even though I don't deal with depression, I tell myself this when I'm things are shitty. It helps. It's cliche (this, too, shall pass) but there's truth in cliches.

And like we were saying yesterday... No matter what self-doubt you experience, and I know it's real and impossible to shake... That dude picked YOU, and he has no other incentive than he wants a funny motherfucker opening up and getting his crowd going. There's just no other explanation, no matter what your brain is trying to fuck you up with.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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While that's a good shot, it's actually Armchair Expert. :D
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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Hey TT, what you're experiencing is a very real thing experienced by all creative people, at least the ones who are actually good.

For what it's worth, your Facebook posts as a body of work have made me laugh more than most every new movie, show, comedian, etc. I've seen in the last few years, and I've thought "this guy is a remarkably funny dude" even before I knew you had actual professional aspirations.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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Johnny Carwash wrote: Thu Jul 11, 2019 9:07 pm Hey TT, what you're experiencing is a very real thing experienced by all creative people, at least the ones who are actually good.

For what it's worth, your Facebook posts as a body of work have made me laugh more than most every new movie, show, comedian, etc. I've seen in the last few years, and I've thought "this guy is a remarkably funny dude" even before I knew you had actual professional aspirations.
I read every word of that wiki and i just...thats me. objectively thats me. i read the treatment. i just need to literally tell myself im funny. i just...wow. thats the shit i go through.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by Johnnie »

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lot-a-puss.

TT, you got this, man. I know it's tough not to get wrapped up in your thoughts, but you're earning this shit. You really, really are.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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TT, never forget how proud your godfather would be of what you are accomplishing.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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Johnnie wrote: Thu Jul 11, 2019 9:27 pm What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lot-a-puss.

TT, you got this, man. I know it's tough not to get wrapped up in your thoughts, but you're earning this shit. You really, really are.
i giggled. fortunately my anxiety puts itself in my life as "you have to overprepare" so at least i have everything written and rehearsed...i could go up now. i just have to not destroy myself in the meantime. writing shit here helps. today is a better headspace. thank you all
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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TT2.0 wrote: Fri Jul 12, 2019 11:33 am
Johnnie wrote: Thu Jul 11, 2019 9:27 pm What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lot-a-puss.

TT, you got this, man. I know it's tough not to get wrapped up in your thoughts, but you're earning this shit. You really, really are.
i giggled. fortunately my anxiety puts itself in my life as "you have to overprepare" so at least i have everything written and rehearsed...i could go up now. i just have to not destroy myself in the meantime. writing shit here helps. today is a better headspace. thank you all
That same self doubt is what drives a LOT of successful people. Hell, maybe most of them. The fear of failing or being exposed as a fraud drives them to work hard and over prepare so they are always ready for whatever comes. It may not be a lot of fun to experience, but it can be really effective. (my wife has this problem too)
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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Not sure where else really to put this, but found out yesterday a very good friend of mine from back home went missing last week and yesterday her car was found abandoned in southern Oregon.

Probably not anything anyone can do, but maybe spare a positive thought or two. It's not hopeless -- I'm trying to stay positive and it's possible maybe she's in a facility somewhere, but that fact that a police report was filed and it didn't match up with anyone in custody in mental health or similar facilities in OR means that's probably not the case. If you happen to know anyone in southern Oregon (especially Grants Pass area near where her car was found, maybe asking them to post on Facebook or something. Thanks.

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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by P.D.X. »

brian wrote: Sat Dec 21, 2019 3:39 pm Not sure where else really to put this, but found out yesterday a very good friend of mine from back home went missing last week and yesterday her car was found abandoned in southern Oregon.

Probably not anything anyone can do, but maybe spare a positive thought or two. It's not hopeless -- I'm trying to stay positive and it's possible maybe she's in a facility somewhere, but that fact that a police report was filed and it didn't match up with anyone in custody in mental health or similar facilities in OR means that's probably not the case. If you happen to know anyone in southern Oregon (especially Grants Pass area near where her car was found, maybe asking them to post on Facebook or something. Thanks.

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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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I texted him yeah. He had seen the story and said he’d share
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by DaveInSeattle »

On top of all the madness currently, got this in my Facebook feed today. Guy is an old friend of mine...we played Ultimate together in Indiana in the early 90's, and he officiated my wedding. Just a great, great guy and I can't imagine what he and his wife are going through right now, worrying about their kid, on top of being quarantined in Italy.


Sweet son in dire health need

We are writing this to help save our sweet son Owen. The boy that Jeff and I adore with all our hearts, a beautiful spirit and bright mind, and the loving older brother and hero of Tate.

Owen is 16 now and has been suffering and we are doing our best to save his life.

Owen was hospitalized in an Italian hospital for three and a half weeks where he was in a room where he was unsupported despite needing medical aid and therapy. Because we are civilians instead of military attached to a base, we are not eligible for mental health care at the American facility. Owen was diagnosed with major depressive disorder with suicidality and we were advised to come to the states immediately. We chose to bring him to Seattle where he was hospitalized again. During the months of January and February he tried to begin school and outpatient treatment, but it wasn't enough and he began to worsen. He has changed medications multiple times with no improvement and this has compounded his despair. Jeff and I have been trying desperately for the past 6 months to get Owen the help he needs, to keep him alive, and presently he is in a wilderness therapy program in Colorado. We have poured all of our savings into this program in the hopes that it will help bring him to a place where he can begin to heal.
I just can't imagine the level of desperation they are at to put this out in the world, asking for help.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by The Sybian »

Damn, my heart goes out to them. For some reason, most anti-depressants don't work on teenagers and often the side effects are suicidal thoughts and worsening of depression symptoms.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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The Sybian wrote: Thu Feb 16, 2017 11:20 pm

Since I've already made this about me... Finally got around to going to a new therapist since my old guy retired at 92. Fucking quitter. After a couple sessions, she pauses and says, "your brain isn't normal. You don't operate the way most people do." As we continued to discuss the way my mind works, she just kept saying, "this is fascinating! I've never dealt with this before!" This should be a fun ride.
Reading back through old posts in this thread, and I found this interesting to read back on. I'm still with the new therapist, and realize I never should have stuck with any previous therapist I ever had. She digs deep for the reason behind the way I think, not just focusing on what I think or listening to my problems. She floated some batshit theories, and I went along for the ride some times, but she has the ability/willingess to say "no, I was wrong there, let's try something else." I've learned that to change the way you perceive or react to life, you need to understand why you developed the coping mechanisms you use, then you start recognizing when you are using the mechanism, and you can stop it. It takes a lot of work and time, but you can completely change the way you interact with the world and respond to everything.

I thought I posted about this, but couldn't find anything. I went off meds about a year ago after 17 or 18 straight years of being on various anti-depressants. I've always been terrified of trying to go off and having a relapse or major depressive episode, and found an excuse to wait. Ah, I probably posted in the Rogan podcast thread, because his episode with Johann Hari was the final push to get me to try going off. His theory was that meds dull symptoms, and it's important to feel symptoms to take action. [he discovered this in a Vietnamese hospital when doctors refused to give him anti-diarrhea meds to mask symptoms, saying they can't treat him if they don't know the symptoms].

Anyways, I've probably hit the year mark and have been doing better off the meds than I was on. I feel much more connected and in the moment. My coping methods include disassociation and depersonalization, and anti-depressants made that much easier. I'd then internalize all my stress and anxiety, which heightened depression. Now between being off meds and clued in when I am using unhealthy coping mechanisms, I can stop myself, react to the stress and external factors and deal with it rather than internalizing it and shutting down.

All that said, I know going on meds saved my life and they were very necessary at different points, but I also think our current system relies too much on meds, and they shouldn't be viewed as a permanent fix for depression. Other mental illnesses like bipolar and schizophrenia absolutely require permanent medication, but depression shouldn't, at least not for most people.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by Giff »

Glad to hear it, Syb.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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The Sybian wrote: Mon Mar 16, 2020 9:13 am
The Sybian wrote: Thu Feb 16, 2017 11:20 pm

Since I've already made this about me... Finally got around to going to a new therapist since my old guy retired at 92. Fucking quitter. After a couple sessions, she pauses and says, "your brain isn't normal. You don't operate the way most people do." As we continued to discuss the way my mind works, she just kept saying, "this is fascinating! I've never dealt with this before!" This should be a fun ride.
Reading back through old posts in this thread, and I found this interesting to read back on. I'm still with the new therapist, and realize I never should have stuck with any previous therapist I ever had. She digs deep for the reason behind the way I think, not just focusing on what I think or listening to my problems. She floated some batshit theories, and I went along for the ride some times, but she has the ability/willingess to say "no, I was wrong there, let's try something else." I've learned that to change the way you perceive or react to life, you need to understand why you developed the coping mechanisms you use, then you start recognizing when you are using the mechanism, and you can stop it. It takes a lot of work and time, but you can completely change the way you interact with the world and respond to everything.

I thought I posted about this, but couldn't find anything. I went off meds about a year ago after 17 or 18 straight years of being on various anti-depressants. I've always been terrified of trying to go off and having a relapse or major depressive episode, and found an excuse to wait. Ah, I probably posted in the Rogan podcast thread, because his episode with Johann Hari was the final push to get me to try going off. His theory was that meds dull symptoms, and it's important to feel symptoms to take action. [he discovered this in a Vietnamese hospital when doctors refused to give him anti-diarrhea meds to mask symptoms, saying they can't treat him if they don't know the symptoms].

Anyways, I've probably hit the year mark and have been doing better off the meds than I was on. I feel much more connected and in the moment. My coping methods include disassociation and depersonalization, and anti-depressants made that much easier. I'd then internalize all my stress and anxiety, which heightened depression. Now between being off meds and clued in when I am using unhealthy coping mechanisms, I can stop myself, react to the stress and external factors and deal with it rather than internalizing it and shutting down.

All that said, I know going on meds saved my life and they were very necessary at different points, but I also think our current system relies too much on meds, and they shouldn't be viewed as a permanent fix for depression. Other mental illnesses like bipolar and schizophrenia absolutely require permanent medication, but depression shouldn't, at least not for most people.
This is great to hear, Syb. Thanks for posting it.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by Pruitt »

Yeah - great news and thanks for sharing.
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brian
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by brian »

My friend was never found. I can only assume she wanted to spare her kids what she experienced in finding her mother and father after killing themselves by doing it somewhere she'll likely never be found, but in a way think it would be better for them to have a sense of closure.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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Steve of phpBB wrote: Mon Mar 16, 2020 11:28 am
This is great to hear, Syb. Thanks for posting it.
Thanks guys. I always feel douchey posting stuff like that, but if any of that rings true for someone else, maybe it can help them.

And Brian, I was afraid to ask about your friend. That just fucking sucks.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by govmentchedda »

The Sybian wrote: Mon Mar 16, 2020 11:48 am
Steve of phpBB wrote: Mon Mar 16, 2020 11:28 am
This is great to hear, Syb. Thanks for posting it.
Thanks guys. I always feel douchey posting stuff like that, but if any of that rings true for someone else, maybe it can help them.

And Brian, I was afraid to ask about your friend. That just fucking sucks.
It's a service, not doucheyness. Glad to hear it.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by Sabo »

Man, today's been awful. Had a bad night of sleep last night because my mind was racing (which is very unusual for me), and I've been navel gazing ever since. It doesn't help I've had a lot of work stress the last couple of days (Apple's incompetence as a corporate entity is astounding), a lot of house stress the last few weeks (that may require spending about 20 percent of my home's value in repairs) and the anxiety of a company-wide webinar this afternoon which might result in a mandatory pay cut and/or furlough.

Happy Monday, everyone.

ETA: I didn't write this to request sympathy or anything, but I think writing it out helped me let some of it go. That in itself is a good thing. Thanks, frogs.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by sancarlos »

Man, all that on your plate at once? That sucks. Pulling for you, Sabo.
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