Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Okay . . . let's try this again.

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Steve of phpBB
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by Steve of phpBB »

L-Jam3 wrote:I started on Lexapro about two years ago after about 3.5 years of Zoloft doing nothing for me (and about 4 months of incorrectly diagnosed Adderrall, which did nothing except make me shit myself). I've kept that fickle visitor away since then whenever my script was current, but that asshole came back a couple days ago and I'm having trouble keeping it together. It's taking all my mental willpower to pack up my shit at work and just go home and lock myself in my room.

The shitty part of mental illness is that it feels like your own mind is actively working against you. I remember it hitting bad at my last law job, and when I would try to explain that to loved ones, some would give me the line that I'm not working hard enough.



(And if none of you follow up with a line like "but Amaro's gone, and Sanchez won't be starting until at least October", then I'll be really disappointed in you guys).
But Amaro's gone! And Sanchez won't be starting until at least October.

Seriously, I'm feeling for you, L-Jam. Good luck.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by tennbengal »

Tried Rx for this a few times over the years - ended up hating each effort. Have had another really bad cycle set in. Wondering if worth trying Rx again. I just hated the false medicated feeling from before - Wellbutrin last attempt about 10 years ago.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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tennbengal wrote:Tried Rx for this a few times over the years - ended up hating each effort. Have had another really bad cycle set in. Wondering if worth trying Rx again. I just hated the false medicated feeling from before - Wellbutrin last attempt about 10 years ago.
Wellbutrin made you feel drugged? I found it gave me some energy, but that was about it. With most meds, it takes at least 6 weeks for it to kick in, and can take a couple weeks to feel normal on them, depending on the med and your reaction to it. If for any reason your Dr. mentions Effexor, punch him in the face and find a new doctor.
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mister d
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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His doctor could be female, Syb.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by howard »

In that case, kick her in the cunt.

Effexor, and paxil, are horrible, horrible drugs which should be illegal. See today's NY TImes about the drug company hiding information about paxil. They ended up being fined and losing in court to the tune of $2 billion dollars. Against $20 billion in profits. And the executive responsible was punished - he is now the CEO of the whole company.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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The Sybian wrote:
tennbengal wrote:Tried Rx for this a few times over the years - ended up hating each effort. Have had another really bad cycle set in. Wondering if worth trying Rx again. I just hated the false medicated feeling from before - Wellbutrin last attempt about 10 years ago.
Wellbutrin made you feel drugged? I found it gave me some energy, but that was about it. With most meds, it takes at least 6 weeks for it to kick in, and can take a couple weeks to feel normal on them, depending on the med and your reaction to it. If for any reason your Dr. mentions Effexor, punch him in the face and find a new doctor.
Yeah - didn't like it. Felt disconnected from myself (does that even make sense?). My main complaint with it and the other drugs I have tried is that with depression, at least I felt something - on the drugs I just felt --- numb? Not physically, but, it's hard to describe.

In any event, will def avoid Paxil and Effexor based on the other responses.

How is pot for depression? Serious, very serious question.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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tennbengal wrote:
The Sybian wrote:
tennbengal wrote:Tried Rx for this a few times over the years - ended up hating each effort. Have had another really bad cycle set in. Wondering if worth trying Rx again. I just hated the false medicated feeling from before - Wellbutrin last attempt about 10 years ago.
Wellbutrin made you feel drugged? I found it gave me some energy, but that was about it. With most meds, it takes at least 6 weeks for it to kick in, and can take a couple weeks to feel normal on them, depending on the med and your reaction to it. If for any reason your Dr. mentions Effexor, punch him in the face and find a new doctor.
Yeah - didn't like it. Felt disconnected from myself (does that even make sense?). My main complaint with it and the other drugs I have tried is that with depression, at least I felt something - on the drugs I just felt --- numb? Not physically, but, it's hard to describe.

In any event, will def avoid Paxil and Effexor based on the other responses.

How is pot for depression? Serious, very serious question.
There's nothing really conclusive out there. It seems like they have a strain for everything these days but it probably depends on the person. The only real way that pot can help with depression is for people who drink a lot of alcohol, which of course is a major depressant. They just basically switch methods for altering their consciousness.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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Part of my hesitation is I have been doing pharm products liability on plaintiff's side for last five years and have come to have a healthy distrust of big pharm and the products they push. That said, I don't know that categorically tossing them aside makes sense.

'loma - yeah - I don't tend to frequent the alcohol threads on here mostly because I don't much care for alcohol. But, pot? Back in the day, that was really, really pleasant - and corresponded with a time in my life where I don't think the depression dealie was as prevalent for me. But don't necessarily think the two are related - other than pot was the one thing that really helped me relax and get out of my own head. And I miss that.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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Dude, look into getting a card. They definitely have stains specifically designed to treat anxiety.
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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Jerloma wrote:Dude, look into getting a card. They definitely have stains specifically designed to treat anxiety.
Yeah - Maryland finally getting around to allowing it for medical necessity - but about a year away from it being reality. I am going to try and make it so first chance I get. But also will try and get a (safe) jump on waiting that long.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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Seriously? I thought medical was everywhere already.
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by P.D.X. »

Can't hurt to try.

(We had a tax-free day in CO yesterday, so picked up some top-shelf indica, a local sativa-dominant hybrid and a new line of fully-infused hard candies {usually they're just coated with THC}. Set to experiment the next time I have a bout.)
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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Jerloma wrote:Seriously? I thought medical was everywhere already.
No, really only in about half the states. In some like MD and NV medical is technically legal, but unless you grow your own, you're SOL. (NV's first dispensary opened like three weeks ago).
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by howard »

Like J-Lo said, weed as treatment for depression depends on the person. Some people it helps a lot, some it makes depression symptoms worse (I am one of those) some people it makes no difference. You should definitely try it, very little downside and your description of how it made you feel is promising. Even if you need to get it from Pookie down on the corner.

(you have teenaged kids. I am sure they could find a guy, even if they are completely straight-laced, just two or three degrees of twitter.)
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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You need me, let me know. Just saying.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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That was easy.
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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Jerloma wrote:That was easy.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by tennbengal »

Bfj, I've got some - but once I burn through that - will be in touch.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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tennbengal wrote:Part of my hesitation is I have been doing pharm products liability on plaintiff's side for last five years and have come to have a healthy distrust of big pharm and the products they push. That said, I don't know that categorically tossing them aside makes sense.

'loma - yeah - I don't tend to frequent the alcohol threads on here mostly because I don't much care for alcohol. But, pot? Back in the day, that was really, really pleasant - and corresponded with a time in my life where I don't think the depression dealie was as prevalent for me. But don't necessarily think the two are related - other than pot was the one thing that really helped me relax and get out of my own head. And I miss that.
Pot was horrible for my depression. Being high put me way deep inside my head, and smoking semi-regular made me more depressed.

I feel you with the Pharma law suits. I did a doc review project on a lawsuit about Risperdol. I see some of it started hitting the news this week. The doc review was 7 years ago. Had a friend working defense on the Phenphen trial. He shared some horrific info that came out in discovery. Basically, "this diet supplement causes stress on the heart and it is meant for obese people. Destroy the studies, so we can deny knowledge that we are going to kill hundreds of people."
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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The Sybian wrote:
tennbengal wrote:Part of my hesitation is I have been doing pharm products liability on plaintiff's side for last five years and have come to have a healthy distrust of big pharm and the products they push. That said, I don't know that categorically tossing them aside makes sense.

'loma - yeah - I don't tend to frequent the alcohol threads on here mostly because I don't much care for alcohol. But, pot? Back in the day, that was really, really pleasant - and corresponded with a time in my life where I don't think the depression dealie was as prevalent for me. But don't necessarily think the two are related - other than pot was the one thing that really helped me relax and get out of my own head. And I miss that.
Pot was horrible for my depression. Being high put me way deep inside my head, and smoking semi-regular made me more depressed.

I feel you with the Pharma law suits. I did a doc review project on a lawsuit about Risperdol. I see some of it started hitting the news this week. The doc review was 7 years ago. Had a friend working defense on the Phenphen trial. He shared some horrific info that came out in discovery. Basically, "this diet supplement causes stress on the heart and it is meant for obese people. Destroy the studies, so we can deny knowledge that we are going to kill hundreds of people."
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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Steve of phpBB wrote:
The Sybian wrote:
tennbengal wrote:Part of my hesitation is I have been doing pharm products liability on plaintiff's side for last five years and have come to have a healthy distrust of big pharm and the products they push. That said, I don't know that categorically tossing them aside makes sense.

'loma - yeah - I don't tend to frequent the alcohol threads on here mostly because I don't much care for alcohol. But, pot? Back in the day, that was really, really pleasant - and corresponded with a time in my life where I don't think the depression dealie was as prevalent for me. But don't necessarily think the two are related - other than pot was the one thing that really helped me relax and get out of my own head. And I miss that.
Pot was horrible for my depression. Being high put me way deep inside my head, and smoking semi-regular made me more depressed.

I feel you with the Pharma law suits. I did a doc review project on a lawsuit about Risperdol. I see some of it started hitting the news this week. The doc review was 7 years ago. Had a friend working defense on the Phenphen trial. He shared some horrific info that came out in discovery. Basically, "this diet supplement causes stress on the heart and it is meant for obese people. Destroy the studies, so we can deny knowledge that we are going to kill hundreds of people."
Hey, those are Job Creators you're talking about!
Keeping litigators in business.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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I really don't know where to post this, but I thought it was beautiful. Repost somewhere else more appropriate if needed, I'm going to go vacuum all the dust out of the air here...

http://boston.craigslist.org/gbs/mis/5237173491.html
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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BSF21 wrote:I really don't know where to post this, but I thought it was beautiful. Repost somewhere else more appropriate if needed, I'm going to go vacuum all the dust out of the air here...

http://boston.craigslist.org/gbs/mis/5237173491.html
Damn
Totally Kafkaesque
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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Is it possible to post it? I can't access Craigslist at work.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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Giff wrote:Is it possible to post it? I can't access Craigslist at work.
I met you in the rain on the last day of 1972 - m4w (Old State House)
Massachusett : Massachusetts


I met you in the rain on the last day of 1972, the same day I resolved to kill myself.

One week prior, at the behest of Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger, I'd flown four B-52 sorties over Hanoi. I dropped forty-eight bombs. How many homes I destroyed, how many lives I ended, I'll never know. But in the eyes of my superiors, I had served my country honorably, and I was thusly discharged with such distinction.

And so on the morning of that New Year's Eve, I found myself in a barren studio apartment on Beacon and Hereford with a fifth of Tennessee rye and the pang of shame permeating the recesses of my soul. When the bottle was empty, I made for the door and vowed, upon returning, that I would retrieve the Smith & Wesson Model 15 from the closet and give myself the discharge I deserved.

I walked for hours. I looped around the Fenway before snaking back past Symphony Hall and up to Trinity Church. Then I roamed through the Common, scaled the hill with its golden dome, and meandered into that charming labyrinth divided by Hanover Street. By the time I reached the waterfront, a charcoal sky had opened and a drizzle became a shower. That shower soon gave way to a deluge. While the other pedestrians darted for awnings and lobbies, I trudged into the rain. I suppose I thought, or rather hoped, that it might wash away the patina of guilt that had coagulated around my heart. It didn't, of course, so I started back to the apartment.

And then I saw you.

You'd taken shelter under the balcony of the Old State House. You were wearing a teal ball gown, which appeared to me both regal and ridiculous. Your brown hair was matted to the right side of your face, and a galaxy of freckles dusted your shoulders. I'd never seen anything so beautiful.

When I joined you under the balcony, you looked at me with your big green eyes, and I could tell that you'd been crying. I asked if you were okay. You said you'd been better. I asked if you'd like to have a cup of coffee. You said only if I would join you. Before I could smile, you snatched my hand and led me on a dash through Downtown Crossing and into Neisner's.

We sat at the counter of that five and dime and talked like old friends. We laughed as easily as we lamented, and you confessed over pecan pie that you were engaged to a man you didn't love, a banker from some line of Boston nobility. A Cabot, or maybe a Chaffee. Either way, his parents were hosting a soirée to ring in the New Year, hence the dress.

For my part, I shared more of myself than I could have imagined possible at that time. I didn't mention Vietnam, but I got the sense that you could see there was a war waging inside me. Still, your eyes offered no pity, and I loved you for it.

After an hour or so, I excused myself to use the restroom. I remember consulting my reflection in the mirror. Wondering if I should kiss you, if I should tell you what I'd done from the cockpit of that bomber a week before, if I should return to the Smith & Wesson that waited for me. I decided, ultimately, that I was unworthy of the resuscitation this stranger in the teal ball gown had given me, and to turn my back on such sweet serendipity would be the real disgrace.

On the way back to the counter, my heart thumped in my chest like an angry judge's gavel, and a future -- our future -- flickered in my mind. But when I reached the stools, you were gone. No phone number. No note. Nothing.

As strangely as our union had begun, so too had it ended. I was devastated. I went back to Neisner's every day for a year, but I never saw you again. Ironically, the torture of your abandonment seemed to swallow my self-loathing, and the prospect of suicide was suddenly less appealing than the prospect of discovering what had happened in that restaurant. The truth is I never really stopped wondering.

I'm an old man now, and only recently did I recount this story to someone for the first time, a friend from the VFW. He suggested I look for you on Facebook. I told him I didn't know anything about Facebook, and all I knew about you was your first name and that you had lived in Boston once. And even if by some miracle I happened upon your profile, I'm not sure I would recognize you. Time is cruel that way.

This same friend has a particularly sentimental daughter. She's the one who led me here to Craigslist and these Missed Connections. But as I cast this virtual coin into the wishing well of the cosmos, it occurs to me, after a million what-ifs and a lifetime of lost sleep, that our connection wasn't missed at all.

You see, in these intervening forty-two years I've lived a good life. I've loved a good woman. I've raised a good man. I've seen the world. And I've forgiven myself. And you were the source of all of it. You breathed your spirit into my lungs one rainy afternoon, and you can't possibly imagine my gratitude.

I have hard days, too. My wife passed four years ago. My son, the year after. I cry a lot. Sometimes from the loneliness, sometimes I don't know why. Sometimes I can still smell the smoke over Hanoi. And then, a few dozen times a year, I'll receive a gift. The sky will glower, and the clouds will hide the sun, and the rain will begin to fall. And I'll remember.

So wherever you've been, wherever you are, and wherever you're going, know this: you're with me still.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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Thanks.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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CAMARO
he’s a fixbking cyborg or some shit. The

holy fuckbAllZ, what a ducking nightmare. Holy shot. Just, fuck. The
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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Just found out that a guy I used to work with for like 12 years committed suicide last night. I guess the company we (and Sabo) used to work for laid off everyone from the product development team on Monday including him. Not sure what else he had going on, but that must have been the final push.

Haven't talked to him in a few years, but still shakes you up. His wife and my wife were pretty close for awhile.

(I'll send you a PM, Sabes.)
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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brian wrote:Just found out that a guy I used to work with for like 12 years committed suicide last night. I guess the company we (and Sabo) used to work for laid off everyone from the product development team on Monday including him. Not sure what else he had going on, but that must have been the final push.

Haven't talked to him in a few years, but still shakes you up. His wife and my wife were pretty close for awhile.

(I'll send you a PM, Sabes.)
Jesus, that's horrible. I didn't know him very well (even though our cubicles were right next to each other for several months), but as you wrote, it still shakes you up. He was a nice enough guy, but he was pretty quiet from what I remember. I didn't interact with him much because he supported the advertising and production products, whereas we were both installing editorial systems.

I saw him a couple of years ago when I went to Ann Arbor to talk to Sam about using SkyQue for my company. We chatted for a few minutes, but it wasn't very involved.

What I mostly remember about him was he was big into fantasy fiction and that he made chain mail. He made a chainmail coif and let me put it on. It was smaller than my big noggin, and getting that thing off was painful. I seem to remember I lost some hair that day.

What a gut punch. Thanks for letting me know.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by sancarlos »

I like reading the first-person athlete stories in The Player's Tribune. Today, I read a story by former Vancouver Canuck and New York Ranger goalie, Corey Hirsch. It isn't about depression per se, as his condition is obsessive-compulsive disorder, but this thread seemed like the place for this post. His piece is worth reading. LINK
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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Read that yesterday too. Really good.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by Pruitt »

sancarlos wrote:I like reading the first-person athlete stories in The Player's Tribune. Today, I read a story by former Vancouver Canuck and New York Ranger goalie, Corey Hirsch. It isn't about depression per se, as his condition is obsessive-compulsive disorder, but this thread seemed like the place for this post. His piece is worth reading. LINK
A chilling read.

My daughter was diagnosed as having OCD when she was 8. Not ignoring the symptoms and having her accessed and then treated is the best thing we have ever done as parents. She's 18 and knows how to deal with it, knows the triggers and knows that she has a lot of support - not just her parents, but her close friends and her Doctor.

I can;t tell you how much it pisses me off that OCD is used as an easy punch line on many shows...

Really bizarre timing on this post as I just got back from lunch with my oldest friend - been friends since we were in kindergarten. About 4 years ago he had to go to rehab and eventually learned that the root cause of his alcoholism was undiagnosed depression. He's in a great place now, but we spent part of lunch talking about my daughter and her OCD.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

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Damn, this thread brings back feelings I don't feel anymore.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by The Sybian »

sancarlos wrote:I like reading the first-person athlete stories in The Player's Tribune. Today, I read a story by former Vancouver Canuck and New York Ranger goalie, Corey Hirsch. It isn't about depression per se, as his condition is obsessive-compulsive disorder, but this thread seemed like the place for this post. His piece is worth reading. LINK
Look forward to reading this. Corey Hirsch came through my line when I was a cashier in Wegmans! More important, I had OCD kick in big time in junior high. Playing goalie for my school team soccer when most of our opponents were terrible left a lot of time for needing to count things until something was exactly 8 so I wouldn't have bad luck. I became amazingly adept at counting how many letters were in words while I was speaking, and never feeling comfortable until the last word I counted had 8 letters. The mind is a fucked up thing.

Since I've already made this about me... Finally got around to going to a new therapist since my old guy retired at 92. Fucking quitter. After a couple sessions, she pauses and says, "your brain isn't normal. You don't operate the way most people do." As we continued to discuss the way my mind works, she just kept saying, "this is fascinating! I've never dealt with this before!" This should be a fun ride.
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by bfj »

Co-worker of mine tried to kill herself over the weekend. Smart, funny, talented, married with 2 kids (one with Autism). She ate a handful of pills and climbed in the tub to pass out. I'm going back and forth between being so so sad for her and being so angry that she would do this to herself and her family.
BFJ is the town wizard who runs a magic shop. He also has a golem that he has trained to attack anti-Semites.
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Giff
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by Giff »

bfj wrote:Co-worker of mine tried to kill herself over the weekend. Smart, funny, talented, married with 2 kids (one with Autism). She ate a handful of pills and climbed in the tub to pass out. I'm going back and forth between being so so sad for her and being so angry that she would do this to herself and her family.
When the wife and I discuss her brother-in-law's suicide, she has the same feelings. I keep telling her to think about how much he loved his wife and kids, then think about how awful he really must've felt that this was the answer to his problems. For him to do something like that means he was suffering very badly. I hope your co-worker gets the help she needs. Knowing you work in such a small office, I'm sure this is hard on you as well.
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sancarlos
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by sancarlos »

Giff wrote:
bfj wrote:Co-worker of mine tried to kill herself over the weekend. Smart, funny, talented, married with 2 kids (one with Autism). She ate a handful of pills and climbed in the tub to pass out. I'm going back and forth between being so so sad for her and being so angry that she would do this to herself and her family.
When the wife and I discuss her brother-in-law's suicide, she has the same feelings. I keep telling her to think about how much he loved his wife and kids, then think about how awful he really must've felt that this was the answer to his problems. For him to do something like that means he was suffering very badly. I hope your co-worker gets the help she needs. Knowing you work in such a small office, I'm sure this is hard on you as well.
So sad. My wife is close to her cousin and her 26 year-old daughter, who live across the Bay. The daughter is a great young lady, but has a history of issues, including depression. After a couple personal setbacks added to the mix, a few days ago she basically nearly drank herself to death, combined with some sedatives. She's been on life support in hospital since then and her mother is super-distraught (as you would imagine). My wife has been in constant contact, trying to be a comfort. So sad.
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bfj
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by bfj »

bfj wrote:Co-worker of mine tried to kill herself over the weekend. Smart, funny, talented, married with 2 kids (one with Autism). She ate a handful of pills and climbed in the tub to pass out. I'm going back and forth between being so so sad for her and being so angry that she would do this to herself and her family.
Update: Her second attempt to take her life was stopped before she could go through with it and now she is in a psych department at a local hospital for at least 72 hours. Hopefully she will agree to stay longer or they will have to file an Emergency Petition to keep her in treatment. I feel bad for her and her children.
BFJ is the town wizard who runs a magic shop. He also has a golem that he has trained to attack anti-Semites.
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The Sybian
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by The Sybian »

bfj wrote:
bfj wrote:Co-worker of mine tried to kill herself over the weekend. Smart, funny, talented, married with 2 kids (one with Autism). She ate a handful of pills and climbed in the tub to pass out. I'm going back and forth between being so so sad for her and being so angry that she would do this to herself and her family.
Update: Her second attempt to take her life was stopped before she could go through with it and now she is in a psych department at a local hospital for at least 72 hours. Hopefully she will agree to stay longer or they will have to file an Emergency Petition to keep her in treatment. I feel bad for her and her children.
Fuck, sorry to hear that. I hope she gets the help she needs. My wife had a coworker attempt suicide, and the upshot is that she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and she was able to get on medication that drastically improved her mental state.
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bfj
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Re: Depression is awful, awful, awful....

Post by bfj »

Now I have to sit at a mandatory meeting on Wednesday where the boss is bringing in a counselor to talk to the staff about awareness, recognizing symptoms and other issues. I laughed at the idea because all the nonsense at work is the least stressful part of my life at the moment. They're also bringing him back on Friday to see if any of us need one on one counseling.

In other news, I was told I "was broken" this week by a doctor. She ain't wrong.
BFJ is the town wizard who runs a magic shop. He also has a golem that he has trained to attack anti-Semites.
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