Wedding Readings

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Jerloma
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Wedding Readings

Post by Jerloma »

I'm officiating a wedding next month and meeting with the couple next week. Obviously I can't do the J-man thing but I'd like to suggest some readings from any authors that may be a little quirky and cooler than anything from that other book. Even speeches from movies would work fine or silly things from children's books that may be recognizable.

Anyway, I'm soliciting you all for suggestions if that's not clear. What are some of the best things you've ever read, seen or heard about love or companionship?
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by brian »

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Re: Wedding Readings

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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by mister d »

Do the footsteps in the sand one and then talk about how the husband will be the Jesus of the marriage and carry the wife along. That'll be a hit.
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by A_B »

Anything but song lyrics.
You know what you need? A lyrical sucker punch to the face.
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by P.D.X. »

The one time I've had to do that I pulled from this:

Image
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by Tom 1860 »

mister d wrote:Do the footsteps in the sand one and then talk about how the husband will be the Jesus of the marriage and carry the wife along. That'll be a hit.
Interesting how different things are over the pond. Footsteps in the sand over here would require a lot of buckets, as would the starfish poem...


Some people like 'The Amber Spyglass' by Philip Pullman
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by rass »

Tom 1860 wrote:
mister d wrote:Do the footsteps in the sand one and then talk about how the husband will be the Jesus of the marriage and carry the wife along. That'll be a hit.
Interesting how different things are over the pond. Footsteps in the sand over here would require a lot of buckets, as would the starfish poem...
Ha!

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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by Johnnie »

I didn't officiate my sister's wedding, but I gave a speech. It was full of jokes and self deprecating humor. "I know what everyone's thinking right now. My sister is 10 years younger than me, so John when are you getting married? ... What an awful question. One day I'll make that mistake, but not today." (I'm not Louis CK, I know.)

Then I started in on a story about my sister just missing something. But not to worry because her new husband would fill the void because he can...(and I dawned this hat):



Everyone loved it. So I don't think you need to mention Jesus or his homeboys or love. I was just my awesome self and made up some stuff from the heart.

And since you're the King of Self Deprecating Humor, this should be easy.
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Re: Wedding Readings

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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by brian »

Neruda is pretty much the GOAT for poets writing about love.
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by DC47 »

We sang this with our wedding guests. It's still our theme.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPycSDqEOvM
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by Jerloma »

If anyone has a few minutes, looking for an objective opinion here. That third paragraph...is it too much? Does it seem like if you were in the audience, it would take an uncomfortably long time for this to turn into something positive?

This is my first time doing this so if anyone has any objections as to why these two should be married, I’m going to have to ask you to keep them to yourself, because I don’t need any curve balls.

I’m not going to stand up here and wax poetic about the existential meaning of marriage, because frankly…I have no idea what it is. Of course, I’m not one to turn away a captive audience either so let me start by saying that I never loved the word “soulmates.” Not that I have any objections to anyone using it to describe their significant other. It has a nice ring to it and it’s a lovely sentiment, but by definition, I’ve just never been able to get on board with that being a thing. I realize that may sound cynical to some people, but I assure you that I’m not here to be cynical.

No the reason that I can’t hop on the soulmate train is far more practical. It’s because of the math. It simply doesn’t make sense that we live on a planet where there is one person specifically designed for another person. There are too many variables. For one, there isn’t an even number of men and women on the planet. Beyond that though, you have people dying young leaving their soulmate roaming the planet looking for someone that isn’t here, which doesn’t seem fair. You also have people who remain single their entire lives, which is fine but what if their soulmate didn’t want to remain single? Are they stuck marrying their not soulmate because their actual soulmate had commitment issues? How do you even go about looking for your soulmate? In a universe with a soulmate system in place, are the two individuals responsible for finding themselves? What if your soulmate lives in North Korea and you’re not even allowed to go there? What if you go to San Diego to try to find them and by some chance, they happen to knock on your door the next day…while you were away…looking for them!

So maybe magic isn’t the reason we’re here today, but I want to tell you…that’s the good news. The fact that you weren’t pushed here by some supernatural force intent on bringing some predestined fairy tale to fruition can only mean one thing – that you chose each other. Not all sparks make a fire. In fact very few do. To get a fire, you need to create as many sparks as you can and that means you have to want it and you have to commit to it. We’re here today because you each made a choice, on your own will, to be together for the rest of your lives, and that is so much better than any fairy tale could ever produce, because it means that you’re only accountable to each other. You alone are the masters of your destiny and that is everything you can ever ask for.

You know, we heard that beautiful song just now as Amanda and Hank walked down the aisle. Many of you may have recognized it from a popular movie and it is a wonderful, magical story. Your story however doesn’t have any singing candlesticks or teapots. Your journey didn’t include anyone turning into a frightening beast and then back to a human. No kisses were required to break evil curses. You didn’t get here by way of a pumpkin that turned into a carriage, and when you say I do, it won’t be with a voice that you had to reclaim from an anthropomorphic octopus that stole it from you. It simply does not matter that magic had nothing to do with you standing right here today, because while those stories are all wonderful, they all end right where yours is beginning. All that matters is that you are here. All that matters is now.

So maybe I don’t know the existential meaning of marriage, but I do know one thing with absolute certainty. It’s that you don’t have to be magic to make something magical for someone else.

So go and make an amazing life for yourselves. Make a home. Make a purpose. Make time…for each other. Make fun traditions. Make breakfasts in bed and steaks on the grill. Make awesome memories. Make babies…or not…it’s up to you! Make all of the things that will make you happy, but above all of that…make it magical.
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by Shirley »

Honestly, Jerloma? That's a great speech. I wouldn't change a thing.
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by BSF21 »

Jerloma wrote:If anyone has a few minutes, looking for an objective opinion here. That third paragraph...is it too much? Does it seem like if you were in the audience, it would take an uncomfortably long time for this to turn into something positive?

This is my first time doing this so if anyone has any objections as to why these two should be married, I’m going to have to ask you to keep them to yourself, because I don’t need any curve balls.

I’m not going to stand up here and wax poetic about the existential meaning of marriage, because frankly…I have no idea what it is. Of course, I’m not one to turn away a captive audience either so let me start by saying that I never loved the word “soulmates.” Not that I have any objections to anyone using it to describe their significant other. It has a nice ring to it and it’s a lovely sentiment, but by definition, I’ve just never been able to get on board with that being a thing. I realize that may sound cynical to some people, but I assure you that I’m not here to be cynical.

No the reason that I can’t hop on the soulmate train is far more practical. It’s because of the math. It simply doesn’t make sense that we live on a planet where there is one person specifically designed for another person. There are too many variables. For one, there isn’t an even number of men and women on the planet. Beyond that though, you have people dying young leaving their soulmate roaming the planet looking for someone that isn’t here, which doesn’t seem fair. You also have people who remain single their entire lives, which is fine but what if their soulmate didn’t want to remain single? Are they stuck marrying their not soulmate because their actual soulmate had commitment issues? How do you even go about looking for your soulmate? In a universe with a soulmate system in place, are the two individuals responsible for finding themselves? What if your soulmate lives in North Korea and you’re not even allowed to go there? What if you go to San Diego to try to find them and by some chance, they happen to knock on your door the next day…while you were away…looking for them!

So maybe magic isn’t the reason we’re here today, but I want to tell you…that’s the good news. The fact that you weren’t pushed here by some supernatural force intent on bringing some predestined fairy tale to fruition can only mean one thing – that you chose each other. Not all sparks make a fire. In fact very few do. To get a fire, you need to create as many sparks as you can and that means you have to want it and you have to commit to it. We’re here today because you each made a choice, on your own will, to be together for the rest of your lives, and that is so much better than any fairy tale could ever produce, because it means that you’re only accountable to each other. You alone are the masters of your destiny and that is everything you can ever ask for.

You know, we heard that beautiful song just now as Amanda and Hank walked down the aisle. Many of you may have recognized it from a popular movie and it is a wonderful, magical story. Your story however doesn’t have any singing candlesticks or teapots. Your journey didn’t include anyone turning into a frightening beast and then back to a human. No kisses were required to break evil curses. You didn’t get here by way of a pumpkin that turned into a carriage, and when you say I do, it won’t be with a voice that you had to reclaim from an anthropomorphic octopus that stole it from you. It simply does not matter that magic had nothing to do with you standing right here today, because while those stories are all wonderful, they all end right where yours is beginning. All that matters is that you are here. All that matters is now.

So maybe I don’t know the existential meaning of marriage, but I do know one thing with absolute certainty. It’s that you don’t have to be magic to make something magical for someone else.

So go and make an amazing life for yourselves. Make a home. Make a purpose. Make time…for each other. Make fun traditions. Make breakfasts in bed and steaks on the grill. Perhaps enjoy some Corona Light while you head to Flavortown. Make awesome memories. Make babies…or not…it’s up to you! Make all of the things that will make you happy, but above all of that…make it magical.

Beautiful speech. One small edit...
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by Jerloma »

Shirley wrote:Honestly, Jerloma? That's a great speech. I wouldn't change a thing.
Thanks, man. Wasn't fishing for affirmation but I'll sure as hell take it.
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by rass »

That is pretty great.
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by mister d »

Yeah, that is really good. Only thing I can think to add is when you get to the "make babies" part, maybe make an "O" with one hand and then point the index finger on the other hand in and out of it.
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by Ryan »

What if you go to San Diego to try to find them and by some chance, they happen to knock on your door ...
Can you change this to Santa Monica so the cool people have the Three's Company song stuck in their head the whole time?
he’s a fixbking cyborg or some shit. The

holy fuckbAllZ, what a ducking nightmare. Holy shot. Just, fuck. The
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by mister d »

Or pick a place that whichever one of them you know better has definitely traveled solo for work?
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by Ryan »

And to actually answer your question, if you read that third paragraph with enough over-the-top amusement, it works well.
he’s a fixbking cyborg or some shit. The

holy fuckbAllZ, what a ducking nightmare. Holy shot. Just, fuck. The
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by Jerloma »

What if instead of that third paragraph, I just said something like "It has to do with math, and it's probably far too nerdy and pedantic for a wedding address, but if anyone wants to buy me a drink and have that conversation after, I'll be here all night.
Yeah, that is really good. Only thing I can think to add is when you get to the "make babies" part, maybe make an "O" with one hand and then point the index finger on the other hand in and out of it.
Even better, I'll have a wireless mic, which the DJ has told me that I'm not allowed to drop, but he didn't say anything about not using it as a dick.
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by rass »

Ryan wrote:
What if you go to San Diego to try to find them and by some chance, they happen to knock on your door ...
Can you change this to Santa Monica so the cool people have the Three's Company song stuck in their head the whole time?
Or now...

ARGH

I AM STILL DREAMIN' OF YOUR FACE
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by Ryan »

An entire wedding speech with 90s MTV Buzzbin lyrics is probably a good fallback plan if the whole thing capsizes.
he’s a fixbking cyborg or some shit. The

holy fuckbAllZ, what a ducking nightmare. Holy shot. Just, fuck. The
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Re: Wedding Readings

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The concept of soulmates? How bizarre. (pause) How bizarre. (Turn to bride) So look around your world, pretty baby. I mean, where were you going without even knowing the way? (hold up a roll of Mentos).
he’s a fixbking cyborg or some shit. The

holy fuckbAllZ, what a ducking nightmare. Holy shot. Just, fuck. The
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by Giff »

That's awesome, J-Lo.
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by HaulCitgo »

Threes Company WASNT in San Diego? No suggestions but you should be thankful to be able to give such a speech regardless of how it goes. Based on the feedback from those more qualified than I to critique, no coincidence that they asked you. Good luck.
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by Sabo »

Not all sparks make a fire. In fact very few do. To get a fire, you need to create as many sparks as you can and that means you have to want it and you have to commit to it.
To be fair, a single spark and a lot of blowing can lead to a fire.
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by Giff »

HaulCitgo wrote:Threes Company WASNT in San Diego? No suggestions but you should be thankful to be able to give such a speech regardless of how it goes. Based on the feedback from those more qualified than I to critique, no coincidence that they asked you. Good luck.
I thought that too. And I've always prided myself on knowing the location for all tv shows up until 2001 or so.
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by Jerloma »

Sabo wrote:
Not all sparks make a fire. In fact very few do. To get a fire, you need to create as many sparks as you can and that means you have to want it and you have to commit to it.
To be fair, a single spark and a lot of blowing can lead to a fire.
Right...but the more you make, the better chance you have of one catching, right? It's like sperm.
Haulcitgo wrote:No suggestions but you should be thankful to be able to give such a speech regardless of how it goes. Based on the feedback from those more qualified than I to critique, no coincidence that they asked you. Good luck.
Thank you. That's very nice.
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by DaveInSeattle »

Ryan wrote:An entire wedding speech with 90s MTV Buzzbin lyrics is probably a good fallback plan if the whole thing capsizes.
I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, want to pull up tough
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I want to get wit'cha
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But with that butt you got makes (me so horny)
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by govmentchedda »

Speech is great, as is. Leave it all in, IMO.
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by Square Rob »

I finally logged back in to this bitch to echo the above. It's great as it is, and should be left alone. The third paragraph is actually the key part, and holds up the thesis as presented.
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by sancarlos »

Good job, Jerloma.

And, welcome back, Bobby.
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by Ryan »

Square Rob wrote:I finally logged back in to this bitch to echo the above. It's great as it is, and should be left alone. The third paragraph is actually the key part, and holds up the thesis as presented.
Swamper of the Year. Call it now.
he’s a fixbking cyborg or some shit. The

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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by A_B »

Ryan wrote:
Square Rob wrote:I finally logged back in to this bitch to echo the above. It's great as it is, and should be left alone. The third paragraph is actually the key part, and holds up the thesis as presented.
Swamper of the Year. Call it now.

Well. Second, maybe. Behind jerloma.
You know what you need? A lyrical sucker punch to the face.
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by Johnnie »

Sabo wrote:
Not all sparks make a fire. In fact very few do. To get a fire, you need to create as many sparks as you can and that means you have to want it and you have to commit to it.
To be fair, a single spark and a lot of blowing can lead to a fire.
Sounds like Tinder's new slogan.

Did the bride and groom swipe right on each other?
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by Jerloma »

A_B wrote:
Ryan wrote:
Square Rob wrote:I finally logged back in to this bitch to echo the above. It's great as it is, and should be left alone. The third paragraph is actually the key part, and holds up the thesis as presented.
Swamper of the Year. Call it now.

Well. Second, maybe. Behind jerloma.
I actually wasn't even considering myself this year but now that I got Square Rob back, all bets are off.
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by Jerloma »

Mother fucker! This is what they picked for their first reading which comes right after my speech...

"A soul mate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we're pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we're safe in our own paradise. Our soul mate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we've found the right person. Our soul mate is the one who makes life come to life."
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God
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Re: Wedding Readings

Post by Square Rob »

Well fuck. Rewrite!
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