Swamp Wrestling Federation 2021 - Gunpowder vs. GoodKarma (Featuring BFJ and DSafe on the mic!)

[A_B]

Nothing bird-related for Sabo? Or would he be cutting in on Koko B. Ware's territory?

I tried but couldn’t come up with anything. He’s obviously noted for the wide throated swallow as a finishing move though.

[A_B]

The corvid crunch. The barred owl body slam.

[Pruitt]

The corvid crunch.

That's a good one.

The Whupping Crane

The Australian Bustard

[Johnny Carwash]

I gave DSafe a new Syracuse-themed appearance, which I'm guessing he will like more than the old Bears one at this point:

image.png (77.64 KiB) Viewed 718 times

[DSafetyGuy]

I gave DSafe a new Syracuse-themed appearance, which I'm guessing he will like more than the old Bears one at this point:

Hopefully, I continue to be better in the ring than any of my preferred sports teams perform.

ETA: Based on the new attire, perhaps my finisher should be the Boeheimlich Manuever.

[Johnny Carwash]

MATCH 8 - PERFECT 10 VS. TOP TALENT - SWF TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
BRENDAN BYRNE ARENA, EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ - brought to you by Planet Sun Tanning Salons and Redken for Men Hair Gel

At long last, the Swamp Wrestling Federation comes to the Garden State! Today, we have the first half of an exciting double-bill.

When we last saw Perfect 10 (TT2.0 and BFJ), they had just snagged the SWF Tag Team title from the seemingly invincible team of Johnnie and Harambe. Now, the champions return to defend their title against former beltholders Top Talent (Sabo and DSafetyGuy).

Gunpowder had to sit this one out as he was busy with NFL draft prognostications and/or getting blown by random Dominican dudes, and since BFJ is down in the ring this time, announcing duties will be handled by Beefy Frank Jackson, who is definitely not the same person. Take it away, Frank!



Coming soon, the second half of our double bill, the much-anticipated New Jersey Royal Rumble!

[rass]

Can't wait to watch it later.

That might be one of the only arenas where I have some nostalgia for (one of) the corporate name(s) and not the original "memorial" name. I think it became Continental while I was in college here in NJ, and by the time I settled here after school and got a job at a place with Devils season tickets that were regularly up for grabs the new name was settled, too. That's all going on 25 years ago, and they changed corporate sponsors (IZOD!) at some point, so calling it Continental feels right to me.

[duff]

Welcome Swampers to another edition of the SWF TorchObserverNews.

It has been awhile since you all had the opportunity to peruse the masterful analysis of the SWF by yours truly.

After being thrilled by the amazing match between myself and BSF, I needed to take a deserved break from watching the trash that the rest of you call wrestling.

So let's start with Match #2. The Lone Star battle between Giff and TT. What a snooze fest. Very little action. These two were gassed from the get go. They were both blown up just walking down the ramp. I guess with no crowd in the Astrodome, Giff didn't have any trash can lids to let him know TT's next moves. TT was able to get two Sweet Tea Shuffles onto Giff, the last securing the pinfall. TT is much more suited for his tagteam action with BFJ. Giff would be better in a threesome. Actually, Giff would be better just staying in the corner during a six-person tag watching the action and being taught how it is done.

Going to have to give this match a rating of "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!".

Onto Match #3. The Lemon Party Show Down. Pruitt vs San Carlos.

Okay, now this is what everyone should strive to become in their golden years. These two senior Swampers put on one hell of a show. Who would have thought yelling at clouds and telling young whipper snappers to get off my lawn could be this exciting.

Pruitt can sure take some punishment. Most be from withstanding those terrible Toronto winters. And no disrespect to Pruitt, because he did very well, but San Carlos was robbed. San Carlos put on the most impressive performance of any SWF superstar since the inception of wrestling. Strikes, kicks, high spots and nothing to show for it. Who is booking this shit, San Carlos's wife calling him for dinner?

This match gets a 5:00 PM senior discount at MCL Cafeteria. Now back to the old folk homes and get a nice rubdown of BenGay.

[Sabo]

[+] spoiler

"Angry Kosher water buffalo" is tremendous.

[duff]

Match #4, The Snark Smark between Ryan and Mister D.

Zzzzzzzzz. Zzzzzzzzz. Zzzzzzzzz. Oh excuse, I fell asleep. I know we all think the D in Mister D is for Delaware or Dick, but I am pretty sure it is for Danny Davis wannabe. Wearing a ref shirt in the ring when you aren't a ref. Despicable. Go back to OVW Mister D.

Ryan was so unimpressive even the local high school Brain Game squad don't want his stench to associated with them anymore. Go back to hosting trivia games my friend.

Mister D was impressive in the squash, but his competition was so subpar. It was as if he was going against the juggernaut Yankee teams from 1989 and 1990.

Match rating of Alex Trebek's corpse would have put up a better match than Ryan.

Now onto the Capitol Podium on a pole match. Chedda v Nonlinear FC.

Nonlinear FC was a bit upset over Chedda taking the aforementioned podium. So he challenged Chedda to get it back. It didn't work. NLFC crumpled quicker than a Jim Harbaugh defense. Chedda for his part wasn't much better. With all the hoopla coming into this match, these two underperformed. Maybe it would have been better to bring in the Shaman.

These two get a negative insurrection. Lock these two up and throw away the key.

[DSafetyGuy]

[+] spoiler

I can't believe that the low blow I delivered was the third in the match. Usually, I'm first. But, I did get color, so some things remain the same.

[duff]

Macth #6. The Speling Be.

Brian and wlu_lx put on a very exciting match. Most unexpected. Of course this was before our expat Swamper decided to head south of the border for some cerveza en la playa. It wasn't the election that put him on this path, it was the loss to wul_lax.

There were quite a few exciting spots. Most impressive was the moves of lax_wlu. Looks like he should be in Mexico with the luchas instead of the MotorSin Aneurysm. These two middle aged men left it all inside the squared circle. Hats off to the two of you. Uwl_xla won with a beautiful Spelchek to put Brian down.

This match gets the Scripps Golden Knights trophy. This was a rare light of hope shining from the SWF. Congrats boys.

Next on the docket was Rass challenging AB for the SWF World Heavyweight Title.

AB is a beast. This man is more resilient than the energy sector. AB withstood quite a few Patterson Pattycakes from Rass. Rass put on an offensive showcase for the ages, but AB was immune from being pickled from years of bourbon abuse. And speaking of bourbon abuse, Rass submitted to the second of two devastating Bourbon Benders. Looks like Salma "It's a man, baby!" Hayek couldn't get the needed rise out of Rass to withstand those Benders.

I did enjoy this match. Quite a bit of punishment doled out tonight. Match rating of 130+ Proof.

[duff]

And fuck you Top Talent for breaking into my posts. And to think I was going to put you two over.

[Johnny Carwash]

Duff's reviews have been added to the previous match posts for posterity.

[Pruitt]

BFJ is my favourite sports announcer.

Love his shout out to the Japanese broadcast team.

[TT2.0]

amazing work. Made my Friday

[Johnny Carwash]

Oh, by the way:

If it helps, BFJ, I am willing to take the Jeruslam in our upcoming match, but I am still kicking out of the pin on two.

Probably at 2.9.

[+] spoiler

[DSafetyGuy]

<---- Locker room leader.

[Gunpowder]

Of all the insane violence, it's the Sweet Tea Shuffle that ends it?

[Johnny Carwash]

MATCH 9 - NEW JERSEY ROYAL RUMBLE
BRENDAN BYRNE ARENA, EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ - brought to you by Planet Sun Tanning Salons and Redken for Men Hair Gel

Back with the second half of our twin bill, the long-awaited Royal Rumble to determine the highly coveted New Jersey Swamp Championship! The following Swamp New Jersey-ans/-ites/-ese/-ish are assembled in the ring:

• rass
• mister d
• elflaco
• cerrano
• L-Jam
• The Sybian

No place in New Jersey has been crammed with this many oiled-up men since Snooki's box. In addition to the state belt, the winner secures the opportunity to face A_B in his next defense of the overall Swamp championship.

Beefy Frank Jackson is back in the booth and re-joined this time by his partner East Rutherford B. Laird. Take it away, guys:

[Ryan]

Are we allowed to watch this ourselves or does an attendant have to come out and press play for us?

[Johnny Carwash]

Are we allowed to watch this ourselves or does an attendant have to come out and press play for us?

Is it not playing for you?

[Ryan]

Gas station joke

[elflaco2]

well played Mr. D.. well played.

[DSafetyGuy]

Sanada might have to come after Mister D for stealing the Skull End.

[Johnny Carwash]

[+] spoiler

mister d notably did not eliminate anyone himself except the last opponent. Classic opportunist strategy.

[Pruitt]

[+] spoiler

mister d notably did not eliminate anyone himself except the last opponent. Classic opportunist strategy.

[+] spoiler

But of course no one survives a dragon sleeper in New Jersey!

[L-Jam3]

[+] spoiler

mister d notably did not eliminate anyone himself except the last opponent. Classic opportunist strategy.

[+] spoiler

But of course no one survives a dragon sleeper in New Jersey!

[+] spoiler

Delaware. Still the thorn in my side.

[bapo!]

That New Jersey Battle Royal was such a mudshow.

I've revised my list of favorite wrestling-related people:

1. Mark Madden
2. Bryan Danielson/Daniel Bryan
3. Chris Kanyon
4. Everybody in this thread
5. Doink the Clown

[Johnny Carwash]

Thinking of duff vs. bapo! as the next match, so feel free to use this space to hype up with trash talk and/or five-paragraph breakdowns of indoor soccer matches from 1983.

[bapo!]

I'm having trouble finding video of duff, but I've read that his attacking style is similar to that of former Pittsburgh Spirit star Paul Childs. I'm going to go watch a half-dozen games and prepare a defensive style to fend off a kick-heavy technique.

[Sabo]

I've revised my list of favorite wrestling-related people:

1. Mark Madden

Please explain yourself.

[bapo!]

I've revised my list of favorite wrestling-related people:

1. Mark Madden

Please explain yourself.

I'm a Yinzer. It's in my blood.

[Sabo]

I've revised my list of favorite wrestling-related people:

1. Mark Madden

Please explain yourself.

I'm a Yinzer. It's in my blood.

So is Britt Baker DMD, but she isn't on your list.

[bapo!]

I've revised my list of favorite wrestling-related people:

1. Mark Madden

Please explain yourself.

I'm a Yinzer. It's in my blood.

So is Britt Baker DMD, but she isn't on your list.

Does Britt Baker have a radio show where she plays 30 uninterrupted seconds of Ronnie James Dio-era Black Sabbath every day?

I'm also leaving off Bruno Sammartino, Kurt Angle, Corey Graves, and a bunch of other excellent Yinzers. I admit that this list might have flaws.

[duff]

I've revised my list of favorite wrestling-related people:

1. Mark Madden

Please explain yourself.

I'm a Yinzer. It's in my blood.

So is Britt Baker DMD, but she isn't on your list.

So is motherfucking Kurt Angle. That is true. It is damn true!

And this isn't even my promo. Just you wait bapo!!

[duff]

Hell, put Shane Douglas up there before mother fuckin Mark Madden.

[Sabo]

I'm also leaving off Bruno Sammartino

Inexcusable.

Kurt Angle

Unforgiveable.

Corey Graves

Completely understandable.

[bapo!]

I considered adding Jim Cornette to my list, but I figured that would be too inflammatory. And now this happens.

I don't want to spend too much energy defending Mark Madden's honor. He can be pretty miserable and indefensible a lot of the time. If you lived in Pittsburgh, maybe you would have a different opinion. (More likely, you would hate him exponentially more.)

Speaking of Britt Baker, the first time I heard of her, weirdly, was on an episode of Anthony Bourdain's show. Bourdain talked with her and Adam Cole (Baybay!) when he visited Pittsburgh.

[Gunpowder]

I absolutely hate Mark Madden