The Swamp

Posted: **Sat Dec 02, 2017 3:20 pm**

Johnny Carwash wrote:This is great, by the way. As are duff's critiques and all the kayfabe.

Kayfabe is dead. This is real to me, damn it!

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 6:36 am**

SOUTH REGIONAL - PENSACOLA BAY CENTER
brought to you by Hardee's and Red Man Tobacco

[spoiler=MATCH RESULTS]sancarlos defeated Gunpowder by pin
howard defeated degenerasian by pin
L-Jam defeated govmentchedda by pin
rass defeated Mister D by pin* (protest pending)[/spoiler]

Match 9 - Gunpowder vs. sancarlos
https://youtu.be/ejT72Gcmn5s

Match 10 - howard vs. degenerasian
https://youtu.be/rih0WxXLgBQ

Match 11 - L-Jam vs. govmentchedda
https://youtu.be/DVFNtDqbyNI

Match 12 - rass (w/Salma Hayek) vs. Mister D
https://youtu.be/Az9sbFvg5io

[spoiler=UPDATED BRACKET]

[/spoiler]

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 7:17 am**

[+] spoiler: bwahahahahahahaaha

oh shit

bwahahahahahahaaha

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 7:31 am**

My skills appear to be better suited for the octagon.

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 8:57 am**

The old man sure has some aerial skills. SCK took a beating early from Gunpowder, but the wily old veteran was able to fend off the attack and mount an impressive comeback full of high flying, gravity defying moves that would make any 205 Live competitor wet in the panties. A win like this could propel the blue hair in this and have his as a fan favorite.

3 1/2 stars.

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 9:15 am**

Must be senior citizen night tonight. Doc with a big win over the Canadian cousin fucker. Degen came out looking like the bastard child of Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat and Ken Shamrock. Let's go with Ricky Shamrock. Degen had the upper hand for most of the match. Even after a headbutt from Doc to the nether regions. And to think, we thought the good doctor only liked young blonde chicks. Doc looked "gassed" near the end, but was able to get out of this sloppy match with the win. And really, Howard's finisher should be the Sleeper.

3 stars.

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 9:26 am**

Next up was the boring, kicky-punchy match between the Italian miniature pony and a Peter Billingsley wannabe.

This match was super boring. Lots of punches. Lots of kicks. L-Jam had a few nice power moves. chedda treated one of our honorary Jeopardy! contestants like Scut Farkus for most of the match. I was just waiting for Grover Dill to come out of the stands and yell that he was going home to tell his mom.

Fluke finish. Guys need to work a bit harder next time.

2 stars.

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 9:38 am**

Finishing up the night was another stinker. The Poughkeepsie Prima Donna vs Moe Howard and Chyna. A bit unfair to have a 1 v 2 match during an elimination singles tournament for the title, but hey Mr. D never had a shot anyways. Rass manhandled the D all night long. His triple power bomb combos were pretty amazing, but I have found a favorite move. The bitch slaps into the corner. That was amazing. That was the only good part of the match. Salma "the 10th Wonder of the World" handled the D like she has done this all before. One quick punch to the dome and D was limp.

1 1/2 stars.

Very disappointed in the final matches of the card tonight. Hope no one paid for this dreck.

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 9:44 am**

duff wrote:...but I have found a favorite move. The bitch slaps into the corner. That was amazing.

Thanks! My avatars are strong.

I'd also like to thank my former employer, Hardee's, who financed my first summer as an alcohol drinker back in 1994, for sponsoring this event.

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 10:11 am**

Salma!!!

That woman has mad skills.

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 10:25 am**

God damn it Gunpowder

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 10:37 am**

I need to put up a random match between two Japanese wrestlers I've never heard of so duff can give it 5 stars.

Seriously, those write-ups are great, keep them coming. Glad to see this level of interest.

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 10:54 am**

Johnny Carwash wrote:I need to put up a random match between two Japanese wrestlers I've never heard of so duff can give it 5 stars.

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 12:15 pm**

Johnny Carwash wrote:I need to put up a random match between two Japanese wrestlers I've never heard of so duff can give it 5 stars.

Seriously, those write-ups are great, keep them coming. Glad to see this level of interest.

Six stars.

And he also needs to start using quarter stars.

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 12:34 pm**

The Commissioner has lost complete control of this tournament. We have 2-on-1 matches now? And GoodKarma is still allowed to wear his pug helmet? Fuck it, I'm coming out in a tank the next round.

Johnny Carwash wrote:I need to put up a random match between two Japanese wrestlers I've never heard of so duff can give it 5 stars.

We have a few masked wrestlers. They could be Japanese, for all we know. I'm sure that duff will give them lower ratings if and when they're unmasked and proven to be white American dudes.

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 1:29 pm**

bapo! wrote:We have a few masked wrestlers. They could be Japanese, for all we know. I'm sure that duff will give them lower ratings if and when they're unmasked and proven to be white American dudes.

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 1:46 pm**

Ryan wrote:Hulk Machine

My point exactly. We have no way of knowing who is under that mask.

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:01 pm**

bapo! wrote:The Commissioner has lost complete control of this tournament. We have 2-on-1 matches now?

It wasn't formally a 2-on-1 as Salma was meant to accompany rass as a valet, Miss Elizabeth style, but the match rules hadn't accounted for the possibility of her intervening. What I'm hearing from the commissioner's office is that as a compromise, Mister D will be allowed to second L-Jam in the next round's match as a countermeasure to any such shenanigans, should they occur.

bapo! wrote:And GoodKarma is still allowed to wear his pug helmet? Fuck it, I'm coming out in a tank the next round.

Get your shit together—GoodKarma's headgear is not a "helmet" but a plush costume head that, if anything, gives you an advantage due to the limitations it places on his field of vision and flow of oxygen to the brain.

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:13 pm**

Johnny Carwash wrote:
bapo! wrote:And GoodKarma is still allowed to wear his pug helmet? Fuck it, I'm coming out in a tank the next round.

Get your shit together—GoodKarma's headgear is not a "helmet" but a plush costume head that, if anything, gives you an advantage due to the limitations it places on his field of vision and flow of oxygen to the brain.

Nice rationalization, but it hinders any offense based on punching people in the face. And that's my favorite kind of offense.

But it doesn't matter. I learned a lot in the dojo. I know many ways to beat a pug.

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:17 pm**

bapo! wrote:I know many ways to beat a pug.

https://youtu.be/RQzy2_NNsWM?t=30s

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:25 pm**

Johnny Carwash wrote:
bapo! wrote:The Commissioner has lost complete control of this tournament. We have 2-on-1 matches now?

It wasn't formally a 2-on-1 as Salma was meant to accompany rass as a valet, Miss Elizabeth style, but the match rules hadn't accounted for the possibility of her intervening. What I'm hearing from the commissioner's office is that as a compromise, Mister D will be allowed to second L-Jam in the next round's match as a countermeasure to any such shenanigans, should they occur.

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:31 pm**

Johnny Carwash wrote:What I'm hearing from the commissioner's office is that as a compromise, Mister D will be allowed to second L-Jam in the next round's match as a countermeasure to any such shenanigans, should they occur.

I know that it's probably inappropriate in the current climate, but I want to see Mister D superkick Salma. Off a ladder. Thru a table. That had been set on fire.

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:37 pm**

I think it's a tribute to how liberal we are that none of us have pointed out that Mister D was beaten by a woman.

Because it'd be very sexist of us to mention that he lost to a middle-aged woman.

I'm glad that we are all above such misogynistic acts as reminding someone that they lost a wrestling match to a woman.

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 3:22 pm**

How'd the tag team v one stars align like that, anyway?

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 3:37 pm**

bapo! wrote:The Commissioner has lost complete control of this tournament. We have 2-on-1 matches now? And GoodKarma is still allowed to wear his pug helmet? Fuck it, I'm coming out in a tank the next round.

WHATCHA GONNA DO ONCE A PUG HEAD DROOLS ALL OVER YOOOUUUU!!!!

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 3:41 pm**

With brows so deeply furrowed that I thought the financing had finally cleared for Frida 2, my lovely and loyal manager handed me a copy of today’s statements from bapo exclamation point and the follow-up from the commissioner’s office. The least surprising aspect of all of this is that my vanquished opponent, mister d, who couldn’t even keep it up for 20 seconds when faced with my Salma, wouldn’t be man enough to self-report his grievances. Afraid of everyone, indeed. And that ljam, upon seeing the bracket this morning, would want someone else’s help is the most foreordained result since he became the human embodiment of a Weird Al song. But. BUT! That he would seek assistance from mister d, a certified loser who has made more moves in a U-Haul the past few years than he has in the ring, who has a full spice rack but an empty trophy shelf, a man who can braise a roast but will never raise a belt, shocked even me, and believe me, my opinion of ljam is even lower than Seton Hall Law’s US News & World Report ranking. If ljam and mister d are willing to further embarrass themselves, and if the commissioner is willing to allow them to do so, then so be it. I’ll beat you all off, while my valet watches.

As for bapo exclamation mark, waifu envy is a sad, sad look, but to be expected from a man who takes self-punctuation to the extreme. Get help. Really!

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 4:36 pm**

Spice Rack was actually their tag team name before you stole her away

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 4:51 pm**

I like when she picked me up by the jorts. That's about all.

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 4:54 pm**

So no discussion about Mr. D failing to effectively use not 1, not 2, but 3 hidden illegal objects from under the mat?

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 5:01 pm**

mister d wrote:I like when she picked me up by the jorts. That's about all.

They did look good on you.

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 5:14 pm**

I am one bad-ass old timer, ain't I?

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 7:41 pm**

Ryan wrote:Spice Rack was actually their tag team name before you stole her away

That is well in the past, and I’m sure neither of them are proud of that evening, so I was not even going to mention cilantro or the mouth full of soap.

Posted: **Mon Dec 04, 2017 8:56 pm**

bapo! wrote:
Johnny Carwash wrote:What I'm hearing from the commissioner's office is that as a compromise, Mister D will be allowed to second L-Jam in the next round's match as a countermeasure to any such shenanigans, should they occur.

I know that it's probably inappropriate in the current climate, but I want to see Mister D superkick Salma. Off a ladder. Thru a table. That had been set on fire.

Is this wrestling or a Bills tailgate party?

Posted: **Wed Dec 06, 2017 7:53 am**

Rest of the first round matches should be up Friday.

In the meantime: Top Talent (Sabo & DSafetyGuy) may have both lost in the first round of the singles tournament, but they still have their tag team belt to defend. Here they are in the anticipated match vs. Perfect 10 (TT & BigFatJew).

https://youtu.be/Qu-mE3dIeuY

Posted: **Wed Dec 06, 2017 8:42 am**

This is going to hurt to admit, but I do enjoy watching sabo master the ring. His kicks are devastating. He needs to step away from that boat anchor of a tag partner. sabo needs to super kick DSG through some plate glass window during *name of show redacted*. DSG is a disgrace to all that strap on the boots.

Now on to the match. Nothing too exciting. sabo dominated while in the squared circle. BFJ had some glimpses of power a man his size should have, but for the most part was unable to get anything going. TT was determined to break someone's legs. The commish must have felt bad for Top Talent after their dismal showing in the singles tournament.

2 1/3 stars.

Posted: **Wed Dec 06, 2017 11:18 am**

Kranepool, it should come as a shock to absolutely no one that once again, Top Talent emerged victorious and kept the Swamp Wrestling Federation tag team championship belts in their rightful location around the waists of Sabo and DSafetyGuy. I don't know what to tell you rubes other than when our music plays, it is not the aural equivalent of hold music while the greatest champions in Swamp Wrestling Federation history make their way to the ring. It is an announcement, a declaration, a proclamation, of what you are about to witness.

Top. Talent.

Swamp Wrestling Federation commissioner Johnny CarMax somehow decided that the alleged "Perfect Ten" was the best possible challenger for our championship belts in, of all places, the Armpit of the Gulf Coast, Pensacola. So, while the locale was sub-standard and the fans were unsurprisingly below that, Sabo and DSafetyGuy did exactly what Top Talent was expected to do -- take a one and a zero and turn them into just zero. With that alleged accomplishment under our tag team belts, Sabo and DSafetyGuy are off to a real city worthy of us for whatever the next supposed challenge will be with gold around our waists, hundred dollar bills falling out of our wallets, and more Top Talent on our arms.

Oh, and Kranepool, one last thing before we go.

To quote both Bruce Prichard and Tony Schiavone, "Fuck Duff Meltzer."

Posted: **Fri Dec 08, 2017 7:41 am**

WEST REGIONAL

[spoiler=MATCH RESULTS]EnochRoot defeated Shirley by pin
TT2.0 defeated Giff by pin
tennbengal defeated P.D.X. by pin
brian defeated Nonlinear FC by pin[/spoiler]
Split this one across venues to accommodate a special matchup.

COW PALACE, DALY CITY, CA
brought to you by Rice-A-Roni

Match 13 - EnochRoot vs. Shirley
https://youtu.be/GJH0biojvXg

Match 15 - P.D.X. vs. tennbengal
https://youtu.be/TQdT9XraYSk

Match 16 - brian vs. Nonlinear FC
https://youtu.be/ySi8BA5HYjQ

THE BATTLE OF HOUSTON - THE ASTRODOME
brought to you by Torchy's Tacos and Lone Star Beer

Match 14 - TT2.0 vs. Giff
https://youtu.be/1XUihmMKjj0

[spoiler=UPDATED BRACKET]

[/spoiler]

Posted: **Fri Dec 08, 2017 8:39 am**

First match of the night should have been part of the dark show. What a boring drawn out match. The most exciting part of the match was the finish. Not because it was nicely executed, but for the fact that it ended this dreadful snoozer. That is what you get when you pit two jobbers against each other in the first round. Give me the good ole days of "Iron" Mike Sharp and The Brooklyn Brawler. Those guys knew how to job. Eunuch and Richard Simmons twin brother need to step up their game.

- 3.14 stars

Posted: **Fri Dec 08, 2017 8:55 am**

PDX v bengal was better then expected. bengal started out very strong and it had the makings of the squashiest of all squash matches. But my new favorite member of the Diva division (yeah, I know it isn't called that anymore), PDX, started delivering some major kicks and devastating German suplexes. bengal did his best to withstand the offensive onslaught and did his best JBL clothelines from hell. Exciting match to open the round (I am not counting that amateur snoozefest that even ICP would be ashamed of).

2 3/4 stars.

Posted: **Fri Dec 08, 2017 9:09 am**

Brian v Nonlinear FC was a fun bout. The Battle of the Mitten was a welcome change of pace to what this day had been. This match had a bit of everything, but nothing outstanding. Very nice power moves, good finesse, and nice high flying moves from brian. Our favorite Chip a couple of outstanding top rope spots and the Wolverine fanatic showed off some of the better power moves in the tournament. The finish was a bit anticlimactic. The best spot was brian no-selling getting belly-to-bellied over the top turnbuckle. NFC rested longer on the mat after that then brian did. Maybe it was the possible brain trauma.

4 stars.

The Swamp

Swamp Wrestling Federation 2021 - Gunpowder vs. GoodKarma (Featuring BFJ and DSafe on the mic!)

Re: Swamp Wrestling Federation - FIRST ROUND MATCHES 5-8

Re: Swamp Wrestling Federation - FIRST ROUND MATCHES 9-12

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