Mental Health

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govmentchedda
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Mental Health

Post by govmentchedda »

Read this.

We've got to do better with mental health, whether it's from concussions, sports, or just life.
Until everything is less insane, I'm mixing weed with wine.
Johnnie
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Re: Mental Health

Post by Johnnie »

He's 100% spot on when it comes to just talking to someone. That helped tremendously when I was being sent home. And when I had my initial mental health appointment having someone just listen seemed like it made a difference.

I'm lucky that my day-to-day isn't severe enough as his, but there are definitely days where I don't want to do anything or I feel like crying for no reason or I just get jumpy because I have to do multiple things at once. And the fatigue is real.

So at work I do my best to focus on my job and do it as well as I can. But if I get overwhelmed at work that's where it can, and certainly has, crumbled. I seem to make work the be all, and all of my worth. Like, what good am I as a supervisor or co-worker if I can't do my job? But then again...what good am I if I have a breakdown?

I hope the mental health area becomes more robust though. If more and more people come forward and tell their stories, it certainly will.
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Re: Mental Health

Post by Johnnie »

This stolen plane story is both awesome and sad.

Between the dialogue with air traffic control, the pilot of the fighter jets, him, and video of his barrel roll I was impressed and felt incredibly sorry for him. Seemed like a nice guy that needed someone to talk to. What a way to go out.
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sancarlos
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Re: Mental Health

Post by sancarlos »

This is a long piece, but worth your time. It's from The Athletic, and since I know not everyone subscribes, I've pasted the whole article, here.
--
Once at a place of ‘no hope,’ Sharks broadcaster Jamie Baker is gratefully alive
by Katie Strang

On​ the studio feed​ of the San​ Jose​ Sharks​ telecast of​ last season’s​ game against the Detroit​​ Red Wings, there is about a minute span during the first period intermission in which you can see broadcaster Jamie Baker adjusting his tie, swiveling to check his positioning in the camera, and talking to the producer through his headset. When Sharks defenseman Brenden Dillon appears on screen for the intermission interview, they share a few words before going live:

“Good job, man,” Baker tells Dillon.
“Looking good, Bakes,” Dillon responds.

It’s a brief exchange, but a telling one as Baker goes on to interview Dillon, probing the Sharks defenseman about a scuffle in the corner with Detroit’s Martin Frk. Baker, who played almost a decade in the league, asks about the skirmish with the sort of finesse that indicates he’s been on the other side of the question. Dillon’s answer is a thoughtful one and you can tell the two men have a rapport.

Whether it’s Baker’s affability or the credibility he earned as a lunchpail-type centerman throughout his 404-game career, it’s clear to see what he adds to the broadcast. The 52-year-old Baker is often described as a larger-than-life personality, a gregarious extrovert who makes friends easily and conversation colorful. That translates on television.

“What I love and what I think fans enjoy is the fact that it’s like they’re sitting next to a regular guy,” said Sean Maddison, producer for the Sharks broadcast. “Fans want to feel like they’re on a barstool, laughing and enjoying the game, and no one is better at that than Bakes. He’s just a regular dude who’s super funny and knowledgeable about the game.”

Throughout the game, Baker chimes in with deft hockey analysis, augmenting the commentary of his play-by-play partner Randy Hahn. He diagrams a skating play by Tomas Hertl on the Sharks’ penalty kill, noting where he switches with a teammate to aid a puck-clearing attempt. He adds cheerfully about the “beautiful details” at Detroit’s new Little Caesars Arena and he jokes about a renowned hockey camp in Deerwood, Minn., that is said to be punishing.

For this game, on Jan. 31, 2018, he’s clad in a sharp blue suit, orange shirt, patterned tie and austere pocket square. His analysis seems easy, effortless. His demeanor, upbeat.

At the start of the third period, he discusses the superlative play from Sharks goaltender Martin Jones, who held a buzzing Detroit squad scoreless through the first 40 minutes. There is nothing to suggest to viewers — or to those around him — that anything is amiss.

But during the second intermission, Baker made a decision with both urgency and permanence. He pulled out his phone, booked a flight home to California and resumed his day’s work as if nothing was wrong.

In those 20 minutes between periods, Jamie Baker decided to end his life.

The team departed for Columbus immediately after the game and Baker kept to himself on the short but painful flight. He leaned his head back on the seat and kept his eyes tightly shut, not wanting to draw attention or make contact with anyone around him. He got to his hotel room in Columbus and plotted, waiting for when he could hop the commercial plane home.

On that flight, he sent four emails: one to his wife, asking for a divorce; another to his boss at the Sharks, tendering his resignation effective immediately; another to his landlord; and one to his good friend Mike Malloy, providing him the trademark to their joint business venture and saying goodbye.

The contents of the messages were different but the tone was the same. He wrote succinctly and was unflinching. There was a strong sense of finality.
Those in his inner circle were aware of the struggles he had endured on a daily basis for years. Those struggles came to a head earlier in the season when he took a leave of absence from the Sharks to seek help for his mental health issues at an inpatient facility.

Baker had returned from that short leave with strategies to deal with some of the issues — anxiety, lack of focus, paranoia, impulsiveness, sleeplessness, depression — but there were signs that he wasn’t where he needed to be.

So when the emails came, it was clear he was in crisis.

When Maddison was alerted, he immediately retrieved hotel security to gain entry into Baker’s room. He feared what he’d see when they opened the door. Back in San Jose, Scott Emmert, the Sharks VP of media relations and broadcasting, went to the parking lot where players and team employees parked their cars before the trip, hoping to intercept him. Baker’s family and friends started a chain of texts, hoping to reach him.

Baker had planned it this way, waiting to send those missives. By the time anyone realized he was gone, he had already taken an Uber from the airport to his home in San Jose, punched a hole in his wall, and smashed several photo frames — shattering pictures of himself was something he often did in a fit of rage.

He cleaned out his garage, moving a treadmill that must have weighed a thousand pounds, to pull his car in for what would come next. He took some sleeping pills. The car keys were in his hand.

And then he thought of his daughters.

He thought of the call that Bridget and Reilly would each receive. It brought him to his knees. He crumpled on the garage floor, pounded the cement and wailed until he was overtaken by exhaustion.

The next three days were hazy, passing as if time did not exist and with little to no contact with the outside world. He kept the curtains drawn and only mustered the energy to drive to a nearby pizza place so he could avoid anyone coming to his house.

He subsisted on those two pies and a near-steady stream of “Game Of Thrones” for the next 72 hours, eating a couple of slices per day, ignoring and deleting texts and quickly shutting the door when a Sharks employee came to check on him. He didn’t even brush his teeth, something he can morbidly joke about now.

“I had the breath of a thousand llamas,” he says.

Baker had previously been diagnosed with both attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and depression — a combination that, according to his therapist, could produce scary results. He was right. Baker’s mind was racing and he was consumed with impulsive urges, and the hopelessness of his depression was making everything spiral so quickly.

“The deeper you get, the more you internalize everything and then it goes black,” Baker said. “And when it goes black, that’s when there’s no hope. I call it the black hole.”

When Baker was a school-aged kid in Ottawa, he did well academically but could be … disruptive. It wasn’t that he was poorly behaved, but rather that he had so much energy and was sometimes difficult to contain.

A teacher once asked his mother how she kept up with Jamie.

Her response:
When he goes, we go.

The Bakers always kept busy and Jamie’s burgeoning hockey career provided a perfect outlet for his enthusiasm. He took to it easily and loved the game, playing for hours outside with his friends and building a network of buddies.

He was a natural goal-scorer and ultra-competitive, his sister Beth, six years his junior, remembers. If his team lost a game, there was an unwritten rule that the ride home would be a silent one.

And though he had natural talent, it wasn’t until he began to develop physically that it became clear he could take his game to the next level. Fred Parker, a good friend of Baker’s who has known him since their teen years, described Baker as a late bloomer. Parker, who works as an Ottawa-based scout for the Calgary Flames, said it was the intangibles that set him apart.

“He was willing to do what others weren’t, including myself,” Parker said. “He continued to work on his game and his body and that was back when it wasn’t really normal to do what he was doing — running hills, working out on his own.”

He’d make Beth sit in a sled to provide resistance as he ran up hills at the local arboretum or ask her to sit on his back when he was doing push-ups in front of the television at home. He wasn’t so singularly focused that he had a one-track mind for hockey, though. He was a social butterfly even back then and was close with his family. He was the type of teen who relished hanging out with his friends but would occasionally sneak home from parties to tend to his ailing grandmother, fixing her toast and a glass of brandy, helping her up the stairs from her wheelchair to bed.

Baker ended up at St. Lawrence University in upstate New York, where he’d play four years of collegiate hockey and meet his first wife, Annie.
Baker and his two best friends, also members of the school’s hockey team, were a notable presence on campus. They were a boisterous trio, easily identifiable in their red varsity jackets, and Baker was often the loudest among them.

“There was just something about Jamie,” said Annie.

She had noticed him long before, but Annie first met her future husband on the steps of her dormitory. It was after his rookie night and he was hammered. She remembers a slightly chubby kid with acne who managed to charm her into giving him a kiss nonetheless. They were officially dating by her sophomore year and married not long after college with Baker in the early stages of his pro career. Drafted by the Quebec Nordiques in the 1988 supplemental draft, he made his NHL debut the year following his final season at St. Lawrence.

Annie remembers him as positive, upbeat and happy-go-lucky during those first few years toggling between the NHL and the minors. She’d feel frustrated when he’d get passed over for a call-up but he’d always talk her down, convincing her to be happy for the teammate who was getting an opportunity.

In 1993, he found a home with the Sharks, with whom he’d spend three seasons and quickly become a favorite among fans, teammates and, begrudgingly, even opponents.

“(People) just loved him,” Maddison said. “He wasn’t a star, he was just hardworking, gritty, funny, and ever-so-slightly dirty, which we all loved. He wasn’t a big or strong skilled guy, but he’d do what he needed to do.”

Then, Annie distinctly recalls, his personality started to change. He became bitter and resentful at work, paranoid about his spot being taken and wary of losing his place in the NHL.

By this point, he had experienced a few major concussions, one from a collision with a teammate that caused him to lose consciousness before hitting the ice, and another from a 90 mph slapshot that fractured his orbital and kept him sidelined for weeks. The latter was a Hockey Night in Canada game that was nationally televised; his mom, who was watching at home, got so upset she had to leave the room crying, telling Jamie’s father she wished he’d retire from hockey.

Beth remembers this being around the same time that she started sensing a change in her big brother as well. She’d get off the phone with him and feel like something was off.

Annie knew something was seriously wrong when he held up a grapefruit to her one day and asked, “What’s this?”

The issues only seemed to worsen after his playing days were over. After his hockey career ended, Baker sought medical help and was prescribed Adderall, but he hated the way the medication made him feel and quit cold turkey. The prescription was to address his ADHD but those around him began to suspect other factors besides simple brain chemistry at play — not just biological factors, but environmental ones and those related to the injuries he sustained during his career.

Transitioning from post-NHL life was difficult for Baker. He struggled with his identity without hockey, lost two friends in the World Trade Center on 9/11 and, after working for a collection of internet startups, experienced a hefty loss when the stock market crashed.

At home, he was prone to bouts of anger and impulsivity, which never escalated to physical violence, Annie said, but were frightening to her and her two daughters nonetheless.

He’d throw or break things, pound the steering wheel when driving if someone cut him off. Once, following an abrupt adjustment to medication, he had an adverse reaction, locking himself in a room at Annie’s parents’ home in California, destroying everything he came into contact with and prompting Annie to call his doctor for help.

Baker and Annie divorced in 2008, another traumatic life event. He was not taking medication and he had strained relationships with his daughters. Those who were closest to him were drawn to his magnetic personality but also confounded by his erratic moods and unhealthy behavior.

Baker had carved out a role as a broadcaster for the Sharks when he met his second wife, Colleen. The two hit it off immediately and fell hard for one another, eloping within a year of meeting and embarking on a new relationship.

Colleen was drawn to Baker’s dynamic presence and the way he’d light up a room; the two had so much in common that she felt like she had reconnected with a love from a previous life.

Their six-and-a-half year marriage (the two are now separated) was filled with fun and travel and adventure, but it was also pervaded by severe mood swings. Colleen, who now works as a community liaison at a traumatic brain injury rehab facility as an advocate for brain-injured patients, did not initially identify these mood swings as dire, but they eventually grew impossible to ignore.

Baker was usually the fun-loving life of the party, a person everyone was drawn to and gravitated toward. He was a social drinker who never wanted the night to end. But there would be nights when he would be rude or inappropriate, forcing her to call an early end to the evening. He wasn’t sleeping well and he was hanging out with people she didn’t know. It became harder and harder to predict how a night would go and which Jamie would appear.

Baker often attempted to self-medicate, largely with marijuana, but it never seemed to slow his racing brain. He dabbled with cocaine for a brief stint that lasted a few months, too.

The daily worry for Baker’s well-being became all-consuming for Colleen. She didn’t realize how much the two were simply coping to get by until one night last year when she went out with a few girlfriends and started to feel nervous about leaving him by himself.

When she returned, her fears were confirmed.

“He was like a puddle of a person, just total deterioration — a dark, dark energy filled our house. He hadn’t showered. He had this look in his eye. And it was just this hopelessness that kind of consumed him, that was so unlike him,” she explained. “I had no idea what to do. It was manifesting itself in these manic breakdowns. He wasn’t sleeping, his emotions were all over the map, there was extreme anger and destruction and he was crying on the couch. It was heartbreaking.”

This was around the time Baker took his first leave of absence from the Sharks last season. Colleen called his good friend and business partner Mike Malloy, a retired U.S. Air Force pararescueman. Malloy recommended a foundation, After the Impact, that had helped him in his battle with PTSD. The foundation helped get him into the same treatment center Malloy went to near his home in Michigan.

Malloy ordered Baker to get on a plane and talked Colleen through the process, acting as her eyes and ears on the ground. Baker’s sister Beth also helped, phoning Baker with an ultimatum that he had to seek treatment or she would fly out to San Jose and start making decisions for him.

Colleen fretted about being so far away and constantly harangued his case managers about regulating his medications and monitoring his alone time. Malloy was concerned that he was cutting corners and opting out of some of the required treatment.

Coworkers were worried about him. Some didn’t know if he’d make it through the year. At a work function, he had broken down and admitted he was not in a good place. The Sharks immediately granted him a leave of absence, fully paid, and told him to make getting healthy his only priority. People from the team called to check in on Colleen frequently and sent messages of support.

“There really wasn’t any discussions or meetings,” Emmert said. “There was no two ways about it.”

As far as the Sharks were concerned, Baker was a member of their family. Standing by him wasn’t considered a choice.

“Bottom line, it was the right thing to do,” Emmert said.

On a recent Sharks road trip, the team bus pulled up to that same Columbus hotel where Baker fled last January. And when the team disembarked, Emmert and Baker shared a brief but meaningful hug in the lobby.

It has been a long journey for Baker to return to the team, and to the broadcast booth, and those who see him on a daily basis know exactly how much work it has entailed.

“The thing I’d like to communicate the most is how proud I am of how hard he’s worked,” Emmert said. “He told me in the middle of this, and he was not at that place yet, but he said, ‘I’m not going back there to that person,’ and he hasn’t. He’s worked really hard to do that.”

Baker’s first leave of absence wasn’t the end of the journey, but rather the beginning. What followed was a second leave later that season, hours and hours of intensive therapy and a lifestyle overhaul that has required daily vigilance from Baker. He has since developed a routine that emphasizes mindfulness, gratitude and compassion for others, as well as himself.

He’s a Core Yoga devotee and tries to attend classes wherever the team’s road visits allow. He uses a meditation app on his phone to calm his mind. He reads from “The Daily Stoic” as a sort of devotional, and he allows time each day to write in his gratitude journal.

It allows him to reframe his perceptions and be thankful for some of the simple blessings in his life. In one recent entry, he writes about the gratitude he has for a hot shower, his daily workout and the opportunity to call a game again.

It’s been an exercise that has made him a more present friend and father and has allowed him to rebuild relationships that were previously fractured.
His younger daughter, Bridget, a former college hockey player at Vermont, recently spent the week with him in California. They went to a Bob Seger concert together and had a blast. In the picture Baker posted on social media, Bridget is wearing a T-shirt featuring The Doors frontman Jim Morrison, which is funny because Baker considers that his signature off-camera look.

He boasts about his older daughter, Reilly often, too; the 25-year-old lives in Los Angeles and works as an actress. He calls her an “amazing soul.” She flew to see him this past weekend and they spent the last night of her trip playing “Liverpool,” one of her favorite card games the pair have played since she was a little kid.

It wasn’t until Reilly’s late teens that she became acutely aware of her dad’s daily struggles. Now an adult, she understands that he is battling an illness that has almost cost him his life on more than one occasion. It’s made her appreciate how much effort he puts in to getting better each and every day.
“It breaks my heart to hear and know he’s in pain but it also makes me hopeful because of his strength,” Reilly said. “And it makes me so grateful that despite everything he’s gone through, what an incredible father he is.”

Both daughters and Annie, who is now remarried but still considers herself Jamie’s “number one fan,” like to joke about Baker’s concept of “radical gratitude” if only because it doesn’t seem so radical to any of them anymore.

Bridget recently sent a selfie in a family group text. She was running outside in below-freezing temperatures in Burlington, Vt. She hates both running and the cold and yet she texted how grateful she was for the beautiful day. Annie always told her how much she reminds her of her dad when she’s on the ice playing hockey — the way they both skate and how they tap their sticks when they approach the face-off circle. Turns out hockey wasn’t the only thing the two have in common.

“I’ve texted him that I’m so proud of him and I am,” said Bridget, 23. “He’s really changed his outlook on everything. Rather than this being something he just lives with, he takes it seriously. Every single day I see him working on it. And now we have the strongest relationship we’ve ever had.
“He proved to my sister and I and to everybody in our family how seriously he is taking this and how much he wants to be the person he is rather than letting mental illness control his life.”

Reilly feels similarly:
“He’s always taught me about the word perseverance and what it means. I’ve always grown up hearing about that word. The past year he’s shown me that.”

Beyond the daily recitations, Baker has undergone brain scans, which have helped identify the areas of his brain that are not working at optimal activity levels, the areas that are working at an increased activity level, and those areas that have experienced trauma. Additional tests revealed that while Baker has scored highly in areas such as executive function, processing speed and motor coordination, he scored much lower in areas such as flexibility, self-regulation and social capacity. He has worked with a therapist to treat these issues, undergoing several sessions of brain mapping to determine treatment strategies and hours of neurofeedback to monitor his progress.

“When I first started seeing him before we started treatment he wasn’t doing well,” said Dr. Geoff Nugent, Baker’s therapist. “He was struggling with his ability to focus, struggling with anxiety, and it was really impacting him on a general everyday basis.”

Nugent said the progress Baker has made in the past year is evident just by talking to him. He’s more poignant in his speech, he’s able to relax and he’s not as anxious in his body language and mannerisms. He’s not as hyper or as tense around certain people and he’s much more flexible in how he talks about things and looks at the world.

Nugent attributes that to what he calls an “amazing work ethic,” one that he suspects is at least in part attributed to Baker’s experience as a professional athlete.

“That’s one thing. If Jamie wants something, he will get it, because of his work ethic. Because of his work ethic,” Beth emphasized. “That’s how he got to the NHL. He didn’t make it to the NHL just on talent. No, he made it there because he had to work.”

And he hasn’t sacrificed who he is in the process.

“The best part is there’s so much of Jamie that’s still Jamie and that is really the best part,” said Colleen. “A lot of times, you see people go through this and they change completely so that you don’t recognize them. He’s still Jamie. He’s still gregarious, funny, kind of boyish — all those things we love about him. That’s still him.”

If you talk to Baker about what he has endured over the past year, he will make you laugh. It’s inevitable. He has an uncanny ability to bridge any sort of discomfort, even when talking about some of the darkest, most difficult subject matter. He cares about other people so much, he always wants to put them at ease.

He is goofy. He cracks jokes. He rides on scooters with his co-workers while on road trips and sends GIFs of “Sesame Street’s” Big Bird to his friends.

Superficially, he does not appear to be someone struggling with mental health, and that is perhaps what most people have found so shocking. When this is relayed to Baker in a recent conversation, his voice breaks. It is one of the few things that can crack his veneer — when people invariably say they had no idea. That they would never suspect he was struggling. Not him. Jamie Baker?

He remembers a local writer one day remarking on what it must be like to be Jamie Baker, who he assumed must have a charmed, idyllic life. Baker turned it into his own sardonic joke. Except it wasn’t so funny to him.

Just another day being Jamie Baker, he’d say, meanwhile thinking, I’m fucking tired of being Jamie Baker

“’I wouldn’t wish this on anyone,’ I’d say,” Baker recalls. “I’d say it in a joking way, but I wasn’t really joking.”

That is one thing Baker hopes people can take away from sharing his story publicly — that you cannot possibly know the battle everyone is fighting inside. Few knew what he was going through.

Part of that is the general stigma around mental illness in the United States. According to the National Alliance for Mental Illness, 1 in 5 adults in the U.S., roughly 43.8 million people, suffer some sort of mental illness in a given year. And yet it remains largely misunderstood.

“One of the things I tell people is, we hear about the commonalities of what depression and anxiety might look like, how they’re portrayed, but it’s not always portrayed that way in individuals,” Nugent said. “Certain people can have anxiety or have depression and you would never know … everyone faces it in their own way.”

Parker, who has long worked in the NHL world, thinks the hockey culture also plays a part in this. It’s a sport where stoicism is revered and playing through pain is rewarded.

Admitting you are ailing is not an easy thing to do within this community.

“I see that as the biggest problem — that the way you move up in hockey and move on is through bravado and character,” Parker said. “One of the things you never do is you can never let an opponent see a vulnerability.”

Malloy, who estimates he was deployed 40 times over a 25-year span, finds cultural parallels with his own experience in the military. It wasn’t until a mission in Afghanistan in 2013 unearthed some horrific memories of a similar mission in Iraq more than a decade earlier that he sought help for his own PTSD. When he sought help, it was not considered common practice.

Though it should be treated no different than sustaining an injury (imagine blowing out your ACL and, even though you’re limping and others are noticing, insisting you are fine, Malloy notes) seeking treatment for mental health still remains taboo for some.

Eventually, mental health becomes something you are forced to reckon with, whether you like it or not. Malloy knew that Baker just had to reach that point before he could start helping himself.

“I think he had to be humbled and kicked in the sack quite a bit before he could say, ‘I have issues,’” Malloy said.

Now, Baker is in “the best shape, mentally, physically, emotionally that I’ve ever seen him in,” Malloy said. “I think he’s comfortable in own skin, finally.”
And the more people who come out, as Baker has, the more people will realize it’s OK to seek help. That’s the ripple effect Baker is hoping to create.
“I would hope people know how hard this has been for him to come forward and share his story; it is something he’s kept very private,” Bridget said. “To take this head on and open everything up and not hold anything back, is incredible.”

Baker is back in Detroit for the first time since that game last January and the decision that almost cost him his life.

It’s a day game and though the wind is howling and the weather is awful, Baker sits down to breakfast at the team hotel looking content. He stabs at a pancake with his fork, doesn’t sweat a generous serving of syrup and afterward stands up and shakes the hand of the waiter, thanking him for the meal.
Being back in Detroit prompts some reflection for Baker. The work has been different than what he put in as a hockey player, and there is no instant gratification by way of goals or lucrative contracts. But it is no less worthwhile. He’s on medications that stabilize his moods and allow his brain to function properly. They give him the fighting chance he needs, but he knows the onus remains on him.

“The changes are so subtle you may not even realize it until you talk to somebody. But this is more than worth it,” Baker said. “I’m older now. I’m 52 years old and this is allowing me to have better connections with people. I have more peace of mind, I don’t have impulsivity. I’m not depressed. My mind is in a place where I can have so much more compassion for myself and other people; I can empathize. My kindness meter has gone way up, whether I’m at Starbucks or running into a stranger, talking to a fan or answering stuff on Twitter. This is more than worth it. You can see the goodness in people.”
Baker will readily admit that it scares him a bit to be so open about something that may well leave him vulnerable, exposed, open to critique. But, more importantly, he wants to show what living with mental illness looks like. It’s hard work, but it’s worth it. And there is a hell of a lot of hope on the other side.

His daily gratitude journal entry from the day is a simple one:
I’m grateful to be calling a game on TV one year later in Detroit.
Grateful for my strength to be able to share my story in hope it helps others who struggle with mental health issues.
"What a bunch of pedantic pricks." - sybian
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Re: Mental Health

Post by Johnnie »

The Air Force has had 78 suicides this year and is mandating that all units have a stand down day between August 1st and September 15, mission depending. In contrast, that's 28 more than at the same time.

Barksdale AFB had theirs already. And it seems like that place hasn't changed much from when I was there:



(Cardinals fans! Ammiright?)
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Re: Mental Health

Post by mister d »

"... a chickenshit way to go unless you've completed your service."
Johnnie wrote: Sat Sep 10, 2022 8:13 pmOh shit, you just reminded me about toilet paper.
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Re: Mental Health

Post by Johnnie »



He didn't actually apologize though...

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Re: Mental Health

Post by brian »

It's 5 a.m. before we fly to New Orleans for a week-long vacation and I think I just had the first panic attack of my life. Starting to feel better (typing this is helping to calm down a little bit and feel a little more normal and rational), hence the Swamppost at 5 a.m.

But woke up with a racing heartbeat and felt like I couldn't get it under control, dizzy (like I've felt before having a seizure before, shortness of breath. It was so debilitating that one of the things that helped snap me out of it other than my wife helping talk me down was feeling a huge wave of empathy for people who have to live through these all the time.

Anyway, thanks for listening.
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Re: Mental Health

Post by Nonlinear FC »

I have had one legit panic attack... Still haunts me, as I was in front of an All Staff meeting and just completely seized up and couldn't get any words out. Luckily I had a speaking partner who stepped in after a few seconds - but it felt like 5 minutes.

Not super helpful, I know, just commiserating.
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Re: Mental Health

Post by brian »

Turns out I might have had one a month or so ago now with benefit of hindsight. Still a little shook but at the airport trying to act normal.
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Re: Mental Health

Post by Pruitt »

I've had two and have been close to others.

The first one sounds pretty much like yours Brian.

Worst experience of my life - unable to breathe, barely able to think, fear of a heart attack...

Deep breaths, mellow music and time are what has helped me get out of the attacks and to avoid further ones.

And this -
It was so debilitating that one of the things that helped snap me out of it other than my wife helping talk me down was feeling a huge wave of empathy for people who have to live through these all the time.
It took one horrible hour to change the way I viewed mental illness. I was always sympathetic, but not understanding.
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Re: Mental Health

Post by edwzipper »

I suffer from depression. Doc once asked me how I was doing. I said if I was doing better I might consider suicide. Fortunately he laughed too.

I take meds daily and I can still go to dark places. This year when my Dad passed, which in itself is depressing, things just got worse. I managed to muddle through but I had no energy or desire to work or be productive. We continue to adjust my meds trying to find the magic elixir that will work. Fortunately I have been sober 16 years, so booze isnt messing things up. In fact my prolonged drinking may have caused my depression or I drank to treat un-diagnosed depression.

Talking about the subject can only help. I know for a fact I am not the only Swamper that suffers from depression as I have had conversations about it before with people.

Being honest about mental health issues with family and friends, I believe, can only improve the situation. My wife comes with me to a lot of my Drs. appointments because I cant observe myself.

If you are suffering I urge you to speak to your doctor. If you suffer like I have, how much worse can things get?
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Re: Mental Health

Post by edwzipper »

Panic attacks... sure... had enough I can feel them coming sometimes.
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Re: Mental Health

Post by DaveInSeattle »

brian wrote: Fri Nov 15, 2019 8:03 am It's 5 a.m. before we fly to New Orleans for a week-long vacation and I think I just had the first panic attack of my life. Starting to feel better (typing this is helping to calm down a little bit and feel a little more normal and rational), hence the Swamppost at 5 a.m.

But woke up with a racing heartbeat and felt like I couldn't get it under control, dizzy (like I've felt before having a seizure before, shortness of breath. It was so debilitating that one of the things that helped snap me out of it other than my wife helping talk me down was feeling a huge wave of empathy for people who have to live through these all the time.

Anyway, thanks for listening.
Hang in there Brian.

I've only had one legit panic attack...during my divorce...I was in a Linens and Things, spending a bunch of money I didn't really have on stupid shit like sheets and towels. Scary feeling.

I think I was pretty dehydrated at the time, and that contributed to things.
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Re: Mental Health

Post by edwzipper »

From ESPN:
Eagles right guard Brandon Brooks was forced out of Sunday's game against the Seattle Seahawks due to an illness related to anxiety.

Brooks, who has been open about dealing with anxiety, took to social media Monday to address what happened.

"I'd like to address what happened yesterday," he wrote. "I woke up, and did my typical routine of morning vomiting. It didn't go away like it normally does, but I figured it would calm down once I got to the stadium. It did, but I felt exhausted. The nausea came back, and I tried to battle through it and went out for the first drive. The nausea and vomiting came back until I left the field, and tried everything I could to get back for my teammates but just wasn't able to do it.

"Make no mistake, I'm NOT ashamed or embarrassed by this nor what I go through daily. I've had this under control for a couple of years, and had a set back yesterday. The only thing I'm upset about is that when my team needed me, I wasn't able to be out there with and for them. Lastly, I appreciate the support of my coaches, teammates and fans. It doesn't go unnoticed."
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Re: Mental Health

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edwzipper wrote: Fri Nov 15, 2019 12:43 pm
Being honest about mental health issues with family and friends, I believe, can only improve the situation. My wife comes with me to a lot of my Drs. appointments because I cant observe myself.

If you are suffering I urge you to speak to your doctor. If you suffer like I have, how much worse can things get?
Really interesting having your wife go with you to your therapy appointments. My wife always tells me when my depression is worse, as she sees the signs before I realize it. A lot of my depression comes from burying emotions and anxiety as a defense mechanism for dealing with it, so naturally I am horrible at identifying and talking about my symptoms and triggers. I can trace it back to being proud teaching myself to suppress text anxiety, and feel nothing, and perform better. Kind of morphed into all aspects of life, and the internalizing of stress made me avoid doing stressful things (like late work assignments), that lead to much greater anxiety internalized into depression, disassociation and depersonalization . It all spirals and feeds into itself.

With the help of my current amazing therapist, I've finally realized all this, and learned to stop internalizing and avoiding. Combined with an epiphany from hearing author Johann Hari on Rogan's podcast, I realized antidepressants were probably helping me suppress and ignore emotions and anxiety, keeping me depressed. Hari discussed being deathly ill in Vietnam, begging for anti-nausea meds, and the doctor said they can't treat the illness if they suppress the symptoms. Hari related that to his depression and thought masking anxiety prevented him from acting, and I know that's true for me. Sometimes experiencing anxiety is good, because it makes you take action. Ignoring and numbing keeps the anxiety building.

Long story short, after 18 years on antidepressants, trying various combinations of more than 10 different meds with varying success, I completely went off antidepressants about 8 months ago. I think I am actually doing much better off the meds. Yeah, I feel anxiety much more, along with negative emotions, but I'm also less numb to positive emotions. I feel more present and alive than I have in my adult life, and I even cried watching a Hallmark movie with my wife and daughter, which my daughter thought was hilarious. When I do feel anxiety about something, it does prod me to just get shit done to make the anxiety go away, rather than letting it quietly eat at me. I've realized anxiety is actually a good and necessary tool.

All that said, I am still a huge proponent of antidepressants, and urge anyone who needs them to take them. I just think I should have been on them for a limited time, not indefinitely. I wanted to try going off for 15 years, but always made excuses and feared sinking into a deep depression again, and what that would mean for my wife, kids and career. There was always some excuse or something coming up that I couldn't risk it. Stupid. My psychiatrist recommended not going off, but I see her for 10 minutes every 3 months, and that is drugs are her only tool. Knowing my therapist would monitor in weekly visits, I knew she would catch me slipping before I realized it, and I could go back on if needed. So far so good. I know that I am susceptible to slipping, but I think I'm better equipped to fight it, and worst case, I go back on meds for a couple months and go back off.
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Re: Mental Health

Post by GoodKarma »

The Sybian wrote: Mon Nov 25, 2019 8:41 pm Really interesting having your wife go with you to your therapy appointments. My wife always tells me when my depression is worse, as she sees the signs before I realize it. A lot of my depression comes from burying emotions and anxiety as a defense mechanism for dealing with it, so naturally I am horrible at identifying and talking about my symptoms and triggers. I can trace it back to being proud teaching myself to suppress text anxiety, and feel nothing, and perform better. Kind of morphed into all aspects of life, and the internalizing of stress made me avoid doing stressful things (like late work assignments), that lead to much greater anxiety internalized into depression, disassociation and depersonalization . It all spirals and feeds into itself.

With the help of my current amazing therapist, I've finally realized all this, and learned to stop internalizing and avoiding. Combined with an epiphany from hearing author Johann Hari on Rogan's podcast, I realized antidepressants were probably helping me suppress and ignore emotions and anxiety, keeping me depressed. Hari discussed being deathly ill in Vietnam, begging for anti-nausea meds, and the doctor said they can't treat the illness if they suppress the symptoms. Hari related that to his depression and thought masking anxiety prevented him from acting, and I know that's true for me. Sometimes experiencing anxiety is good, because it makes you take action. Ignoring and numbing keeps the anxiety building.

Long story short, after 18 years on antidepressants, trying various combinations of more than 10 different meds with varying success, I completely went off antidepressants about 8 months ago. I think I am actually doing much better off the meds. Yeah, I feel anxiety much more, along with negative emotions, but I'm also less numb to positive emotions. I feel more present and alive than I have in my adult life, and I even cried watching a Hallmark movie with my wife and daughter, which my daughter thought was hilarious. When I do feel anxiety about something, it does prod me to just get shit done to make the anxiety go away, rather than letting it quietly eat at me. I've realized anxiety is actually a good and necessary tool.

All that said, I am still a huge proponent of antidepressants, and urge anyone who needs them to take them. I just think I should have been on them for a limited time, not indefinitely. I wanted to try going off for 15 years, but always made excuses and feared sinking into a deep depression again, and what that would mean for my wife, kids and career. There was always some excuse or something coming up that I couldn't risk it. Stupid. My psychiatrist recommended not going off, but I see her for 10 minutes every 3 months, and that is drugs are her only tool. Knowing my therapist would monitor in weekly visits, I knew she would catch me slipping before I realized it, and I could go back on if needed. So far so good. I know that I am susceptible to slipping, but I think I'm better equipped to fight it, and worst case, I go back on meds for a couple months and go back off.
Wow...you're experience has been the EXACT same as mine. I went through the same steps; right down to including my wife in the appointments and ended up at the same place. Nice to know I am not alone in the approach and results.
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Re: Mental Health

Post by sancarlos »

I’m really glad you guys got to a good place. Seriously. My younger brother never could get there, and he’s gone now.
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Re: Mental Health

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I can only echo those sentiments.

Glad you guys are around to talk with when I have an issue.
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Re: Mental Health

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This is going to sound stupid, but I guess I never realized until recently how much I suffer from anxiety. I thought I did about the normal stuff (job, money, kids, etc.), but someone posted something on social media about some of the things that go through the head of someone who suffers from anxiety and I checked nearly every box.
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Re: Mental Health

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Giff wrote: Wed Nov 27, 2019 9:56 am This is going to sound stupid, but I guess I never realized until recently how much I suffer from anxiety. I thought I did about the normal stuff (job, money, kids, etc.), but someone posted something on social media about some of the things that go through the head of someone who suffers from anxiety and I checked nearly every box.
Only speaking about myself here - but aging makes it worse. The things I used to shrug off as being just a "part of life," or the little fears/worries that would creep into my consciousness or the belief that "everyone feels this way sometimes," can now hit me like a ton of bricks.
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Re: Mental Health

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Giff wrote: Wed Nov 27, 2019 9:56 am This is going to sound stupid, but I guess I never realized until recently how much I suffer from anxiety. I thought I did about the normal stuff (job, money, kids, etc.), but someone posted something on social media about some of the things that go through the head of someone who suffers from anxiety and I checked nearly every box.
Not stupid at all. Pretty much describes me as well.
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Re: Mental Health

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I've had a few panic attacks over the past 3 years or so, but all of a sudden, anxiety and the fear of further attacks have become a near-constant presence. It's like some sort of terrible momentum has been triggered and what used to happen once every 3-4 months (warning signs of a full blown attack - early enough to stop it) is happening more and more frequently.

It's nuts, what used to flare up every few months for a half hour or so first became a bi-weekly thing, then a weekly thing and etc., etc. And today the unease has been in my thoughts all day today. The worst thing is that I am thinking of nothing else but the fear of another panic attack.

No need for a long tale of woe, but the past 4 months or so have been jam-packed with stress - I wrote out a list of stressors and filled 5 pages - but I'm worried that there may be something else going on.

Seeing my doctor tomorrow, and he is pretty good, so whatever he suggests I will do.

Will keep you guys posted, but man, this sucks.

ETA: At least the Bills are in the playoffs.
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Re: Mental Health

Post by govmentchedda »

Pulling for you.
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Re: Mental Health

Post by Johnny Carwash »

govmentchedda wrote: Mon Dec 16, 2019 8:54 pm Pulling for you.
Same.
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Re: Mental Health

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Circle the wagons
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Re: Mental Health

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Good luck, man. And what Berman said there, too.
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Re: Mental Health

Post by The Sybian »

Pruitt wrote: Mon Dec 16, 2019 7:42 pm I've had a few panic attacks over the past 3 years or so, but all of a sudden, anxiety and the fear of further attacks have become a near-constant presence. It's like some sort of terrible momentum has been triggered and what used to happen once every 3-4 months (warning signs of a full blown attack - early enough to stop it) is happening more and more frequently.

It's nuts, what used to flare up every few months for a half hour or so first became a bi-weekly thing, then a weekly thing and etc., etc. And today the unease has been in my thoughts all day today. The worst thing is that I am thinking of nothing else but the fear of another panic attack.

No need for a long tale of woe, but the past 4 months or so have been jam-packed with stress - I wrote out a list of stressors and filled 5 pages - but I'm worried that there may be something else going on.

Seeing my doctor tomorrow, and he is pretty good, so whatever he suggests I will do.

Will keep you guys posted, but man, this sucks.

ETA: At least the Bills are in the playoffs.
Glad you are seeing a doctor to rule out a physical cause.

I heard on FoxNews it takes 6 months to get an appointment in Canada, and that is only in a life and death emergency, otherwise it takes a year.
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Re: Mental Health

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Team Pru.
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Re: Mental Health

Post by degenerasian »

The Sybian wrote: Mon Dec 16, 2019 10:47 pm
Pruitt wrote: Mon Dec 16, 2019 7:42 pm I've had a few panic attacks over the past 3 years or so, but all of a sudden, anxiety and the fear of further attacks have become a near-constant presence. It's like some sort of terrible momentum has been triggered and what used to happen once every 3-4 months (warning signs of a full blown attack - early enough to stop it) is happening more and more frequently.

It's nuts, what used to flare up every few months for a half hour or so first became a bi-weekly thing, then a weekly thing and etc., etc. And today the unease has been in my thoughts all day today. The worst thing is that I am thinking of nothing else but the fear of another panic attack.

No need for a long tale of woe, but the past 4 months or so have been jam-packed with stress - I wrote out a list of stressors and filled 5 pages - but I'm worried that there may be something else going on.

Seeing my doctor tomorrow, and he is pretty good, so whatever he suggests I will do.

Will keep you guys posted, but man, this sucks.

ETA: At least the Bills are in the playoffs.
Glad you are seeing a doctor to rule out a physical cause.

I heard on FoxNews it takes 6 months to get an appointment in Canada, and that is only in a life and death emergency, otherwise it takes a year.
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Re: Mental Health

Post by Rush2112 »

Best of luck Pruitt.

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Re: Mental Health

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Hope you get some good news today, Pruitt.
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Re: Mental Health

Post by Nonlinear FC »

Positive vibes, pru.
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Re: Mental Health

Post by Steve of phpBB »

Good luck, Pruitt.
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Re: Mental Health

Post by Pruitt »

Thanks guys.

I really can't tell you how much I appreciate the support.

It was just lucky timing concerning the doctor's appointment as my annual was booked well in advance for today. but I am one of the lucky ones in that my doctor will always squeeze a patient in in case of emergencies, and if the physical wasn't planned for today, I would have seen him anyway. Lucky to have a doctor like this one.

So, we talked things through. A lot of stress over the past few weeks have pushed my "normal" (but previously completely manageable) anxiety levels through the roof. We talked, and he pretty much ruled out physical causes (but a follow up in two weeks will include results of the blood work we did today).

Have an appointment with a psychiatrist who works out of his practice - but not until early February. In the meantime, keep going to the gym, keep meditating, try to live in the here and now and prescriptions for low-dose Zoloft and ativan in case of emergencies. I can barely put into words how much better I feel today compared to the last few days. Just knowing that it's not a breakdown, that it's not permanent and that things will be closely monitored. And the knowledge that I have a pill that can stop an attack in its tracks has given me a hell of a lot of solace. I am not one to take pills and never have for things like this, but no point being a martyr...

If you remember, I wrote in "Rants" about the big, dream gig that had been promised and taken away just before it began. As a writer, you get used to disappointments, but this one left me shell shocked and unable to shrug off or properly deal with the other fairly big stresses that have flared up over the past few months.

My head still isn't right - but I am on 4 hours sleep. But a corner has been turned.

Thanks again for the nice words. They do mean a lot.
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Re: Mental Health

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Pruitt wrote: Tue Dec 17, 2019 12:37 pm Thanks guys.

I really can't tell you how much I appreciate the support.

It was just lucky timing concerning the doctor's appointment as my annual was booked well in advance for today. but I am one of the lucky ones in that my doctor will always squeeze a patient in in case of emergencies, and if the physical wasn't planned for today, I would have seen him anyway. Lucky to have a doctor like this one.

So, we talked things through. A lot of stress over the past few weeks have pushed my "normal" (but previously completely manageable) anxiety levels through the roof. We talked, and he pretty much ruled out physical causes (but a follow up in two weeks will include results of the blood work we did today).

Have an appointment with a psychiatrist who works out of his practice - but not until early February. In the meantime, keep going to the gym, keep meditating, try to live in the here and now and prescriptions for low-dose Zoloft and ativan in case of emergencies. I can barely put into words how much better I feel today compared to the last few days. Just knowing that it's not a breakdown, that it's not permanent and that things will be closely monitored. And the knowledge that I have a pill that can stop an attack in its tracks has given me a hell of a lot of solace. I am not one to take pills and never have for things like this, but no point being a martyr...

If you remember, I wrote in "Rants" about the big, dream gig that had been promised and taken away just before it began. As a writer, you get used to disappointments, but this one left me shell shocked and unable to shrug off or properly deal with the other fairly big stresses that have flared up over the past few months.

My head still isn't right - but I am on 4 hours sleep. But a corner has been turned.

Thanks again for the nice words. They do mean a lot.
That sounds great Pruitt. Celebrate the little victories. Reaching a goal while working out, taking the wife to a nice dinner, the Bills winning a playoff game.

Live in the now and don't stress that much the future. I've taught myself that as I also struggle through bouts of depression.

Here a Happiness Podcast from Yale that you might find helpful. https://www.happinesslab.fm/
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Re: Mental Health

Post by wlu_lax6 »

Sending you positive vibes Pruitt.
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Re: Mental Health

Post by Nonlinear FC »

Yeah, I didn't want to lob out bullshit, but I kept thinking about that post in the wake of this one.

Very VERY glad you took the time and effort to address it. Inertia is a bitch with these things.
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Re: Mental Health

Post by HaulCitgo »

I'm thinking the bills will help soothe your ailments this weekend. A bye is about 40% of a Superbowl. Just saying. Stay strong... Nah too institutional... Get better... Nah too deathly... We're here to listen without judgment
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Re: Mental Health

Post by edwzipper »

Have you thought about taking youor wife with you? I bring mine sometimes as it is impossible for me to observe my own behavior.
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