Gunpowder's 2019 NFL Mock Draft Extravaganza VERSION TOO

[Gunpowder]

The Chiefs and Seahawks just had to fuck everything up.


1. SAN FRANCISCO trades with ARIZONA for the first overall pick.


SAN FRANCISCO selects Nick Bosa, EDGE, el Universidad de Ohio Estada.

I'm still gonna stick with this. I don't believe the Kyler Murray smoke enough to change it.


2. ARIZONA selects Quinnen Williams, DT, Alabama

A lot of people are predicting that Arizona will move down to 4 or so by trading with Oakland, Oakland will take Murray and the Cardinals will draft Williams at 4. But I think the Jets would take Williams if they did that, and I don't know if AZ would want to risk that. Also not buying the Raiders going up to get Murray.


3. NY JETS select Brian Burns, EDGE, Florida State

Not going to happen but I still think Burns is the best edge rusher in this draft not named Nick Bosa, and he might be the best period. He's probably the most sound pure pass rusher in a few years. My draft pipe dream is that Burns falls into the mid-teens and the Steelers trade up for him.


4. OAKLAND RAIDERS select Ed Oliver, DT, Houston


I still don’t think the Raiders take Murray. I also don’t think Cincinnati will trade up for him. I also think I probably have Ed Oliver way too low. So maybe he’ll remind Gruden of Warren Sapp. Of course, there’s also a chance they just trade away all three of their first rounders because they like, don’t trust their scouts or something ridiculous like that.


Oliver is too elite athletically to not go this high. He’s got enough on tape to back it up – though I’m not nearly as impressed as some people – and he was severely hamstrung by scheme due to his coach being a complete and utter moron. He’s a freak on the field, and a lady in the streets.




5. DENVER BRONCOS trade with Tampa Bay for the 5th overall pick

DENVER selects Drew Lock, QB, Missouri

It was hard to put an ILB at 5th overall, but I did it anyway. I’m gonna press Ctrl+Z on that one and have Denver jump ahead of NYG to get who I presume is their guy.

Holy shit – Drew Lock is my first QB off the board. This is wrong. I’m looking around for a woman smoking a cigarette so I can stare at her tits, because this is the wrong way.


6. NY GIANTS select Montez Sweat, EDGE, Mississippi State

I’m leaving this here because I think it would be hilarious and I am entertained by people like Gettleman doing hilarious things.


7. JACKSONVILLE selects TJ Hockenson, TE, Iowa

I continue to read that Jax is going to take an offensive tackle, but I still think they would add offensive weapons first. Perhaps they’d trade down but Hockenson may not even get by Detroit if they do.



8. WASHINGTON REDSKINS trade with Detroit for the 8th pick

WASHINGTON selects Kyler Murray, QB, Oklahomer

Here’s some crazy shit. Alex Smith’s leg is still being held together with scaffolding, and we saw how that turned out for Notre Dame. Plus, even before his unfortunately injury, he was unfortunately still Alex Smith. Washington can’t really go forward with Case Keenum, can they? That team has been the 7 and 9iest outfit this side of Jeff Fisher and they should probably try to fix that.

Now, there could be something about Murray sliding out of the top of the draft that would scare teams away from making a move like this. Baker Mayfield went first and got a 4 year, $33ish mil contract with a $22 mil signing bonus. That’s more than half the GDP of Tuvalu. Roquan Smith went 8th and got 4 years $18.5 mil, with only $11.5 for a signing bonus. That’s barely a fourth of the GDP of Tuvalu. How badly does Kyler Murray want to purchase the island country of Tuvalu, and is it enough to make him flip back to baseball?


9. CINCINNATI BENGALS trade with Buffalo for the 9th pick

CINCINNATI selects Dwayne Haskins, QB, Ohio State


If this all actually happens, Cincinnati is probably going to need to get aggressive to make sure they get a QB. And I think they want one. They’ve probably had enough of the Andy Dalton era, and don’t want to turn it into a poor man’s Matt Stafford era. Or God forbid a Rex Grossman era. I wouldn’t wish that on any franchise.

This also fits better with the recent precedent of every QB taken outside of the 1st overall pick being taken after a team traded up to do so. Buffalo can just chill for a few more picks and get an offensive lineman, because this is a really good year for them and there are a bunch of them.



10. TAMPA BAY selects Devin White, ILB, LSU


I mean, it’s not like it’s a rule or anything that you can’t take an ILB in the top 5 but it is a rare occurrence and while Devin White is a ridiculous athlete, he’s got more concerns than a guy I’d expect to be one that breaks the mold here.


Tampa should make sure to clean all that mold because their entire roster gets MRSA again, btw.



11. BUFFALO BILLS select Jawaan Taylor, OT, Florida

It’s a great year for top-level OTs and OL in general, and the Bills desperately need help at the “entire offensive line” position, so I think they should just like, do that.



12. GREEN BAY PACKERS select Josh Allen, OLB, Kentucky

It’s become clear that I’m one of the few people not buying the Josh Allen hype and that he’s probably going top-5 or even top-3, and Green Bay no longer has an outside pass rush, so I’ll move Allen up a few spots and send him to Southern Canada.



13. NY GIANTS trade with MIAMI for the 13th pick


NY GIANTS select Devin Bush, ILB, Michigan

The Dolphins haven’t stopped blatantly tanking since last month, so I still need to have them trade out of this spot. I also need to have Devin Bush off the board so I don’t have to mock him to the Steelers. So I’ll kill two birds with one stone because I hate birds and like to watch them suffer.

The Giants haven’t had a good middle linebacker in like, 30 years. So they might want to take a chance at getting one if it presents itself to them, much like Robert Kraft did to the lady at that massage parlor.



14. ATLANTA selects Rashan Gary, DT/EDGE, Michigan


I’m just gonna keep this here. Still don’t think Gary is best as an outside rusher, and Atlanta needs help on the interior.



15. DETROIT selects Greedy Williams

Detroit still takes Greedy Williams, but gets him a bit lower this time around.


I’ll buy that Williams is falling, but not that he’s falling into the late 20s or 2nd round or anything like that. DBs this big simply do not move as fluidly as Greedy Williams. He’s like an amoeba. He also has tackling deficiencies that are a concern, and I’ve never seen an amoeba tackle anybody. I understand the run defense flags but I want my corners to first and foremost be able to stop WRs from catching 20 yard passes, and then I’ll worry about an opponent basing their entire gameplan around running toss-sweeps at my cornerback.



16. CAROLINA selects Andre Dillard, OT, Washington State

Still fits, let’s roll with it.



17. BALTIMORE RAVENS trade with MIAMI for the 17th pick

BALTIMORE selects Hakeem Butler, WR, Iowa State


Like a local college student on a pole, the Dolphins continue to slide down. Baltimore needs to finally get a good WR and I’m going to have them go after Hakeem Butler over DK Metcalf, because I think Butler is awesome and DK Metcalf is borderline incapable of running a route. Greedy Williams made him look like a JuCo player.
Butler is like seven feet tall and catches passes over 6 DBs with his fingernails, so I can tolerate the occasional concentration drop.


18. MINNESOTA selects Cody Ford, OT, Oklahoma


See earlier re: Buffalo and their O-Line. At least QB Josh Allen makes a shitty line palatable. Kirk Cousins does not and if they don’t take one here, Rick Spielman should be charged with misdemeanor indecency, which is of course a Vikings off-season tradition.




19. TENNESSEE selects Noah Fant, TE, Iowa

Sure, why not.


20. PITTSBURGH selects Darnell Savage, S, Maryland


Suddenly there’s like 100 reports that the Steelers are taking Rock Ya-Sin with this pick, and I hope they Ya-Don’t. Not that Ya-Sin is a bad prospect or anything, but he ain’t Byron Murphy. And Byron Murphy is available if it all plays out like this.


But….I’m going to give them Darnell Savage. Just to be clear….I don’t give a milligram of a fuck where Happy Dave’s Mock Drafts and Beaver Recipes.com says that a player should be picked. Darnell Savage is a boss and he should go early. He’s fast as shit, aggressive, he’s a ball-hawk – shit, he’s a ball-eagle. Or like a ball-falcon. Combine that with potential concerns about Murphy’s slow 40 time, and I can see this happening. I’m not too concerned with Murphy’s 40 time and would be thrilled if he were the pick too but I like Darnell Savage and I think the Steelers will too. Like a lot. So just take him at 20 because, as Robert Kraft commonly mentioned to an Asian masseuse, he probably ain’t gonna last much longer.



21. SEATTLE selects Nasir Adderley, FS, Delaware


Adderley is like a version of Darnell Savage who went to a school that people didn’t know existed. Unless they were huge Joe Flacco fans or members of Rich Gannon’s immediate family. He might even be better than Savage, and that’s not a slight against Savage. Seattle needs a new Earl Thomas that doesn’t hate the Seattle franchise.


22. MIAMI SERIOUSLY TRADES DOWN AGAIN COME ON MAN AT LEAST TRY TO BE REALISTIC HERE

HOUSTON TEXANS trade with them

HOUSTON selects Jonah Williams, OT, Alabama

Houston NEEDS an OL worse than Minnesota or even Buffalo. They HAVE TO DO THIS. Miami could really use Jonah Williams as well and I think they could use that threat to get a mid-rounder out of Houston if this actually happened. Which it won’t. But I can’t not take a top OT with Houston’s pick.


23. MIAMI ACTUALLY SELECTS Byron Murphy, CB, Washington

Murphy is too good to fall much further IMO, and Miami just may trade Xavien Howard before tonight. This is convenient and I like convenient. So does Robert Kraft, if you haven’t heard.


24. OAKLAND selects D.K. Metcalf, WR, Ole Miss


Oakland, like Kevin Costner, suddenly has all their picks back. And taking DK Metcalf seems really Raidery, even if this is a new Raiders who have moved on from their recent history and into the future by paying $100 million to a coach who peaked 15 years ago.


Is DK Metcalf almost physically incapable of running nearly any route more complicated than the Cha-Cha Slide? Yes. He is. Does just running far in a straight line generally work for NFL receivers? No. But could it work with Metcalf, in Oakland after the Antonio Brown trade? Yeah, it could. If anybody is close enough to Calvin Johnson to pull it off, it’s Metcalf. As a generally 1a or 2nd option taken in the late first, is it palatable? Yeah, I think it is. So let’s do it.


25. PHILADELPHIA selects Chauncey Gardner-Johnson, FS, Florida

I had Philly taking Ed Oliver, and that ain’t gonna happen.

They do need help on the back end, and CGJ is just chillin’, so he can move to Philly.


26. INDIANAPOLIS selects Jerry Tillery, DT, Notre Dame

I’m gonna keep this one here.


27. GREEN BAY trades with OAKLAND for the 27th pick

GREEN BAY selects Marquise Brown, WR, Oklahoma


Haven’t had a trade in awhile, so here’s one. Cool.

I had N’Keal Harry in the first round last time but I don’t think he’s a first round talent and a lot of NFL receivers are looking like Marquise Brown these days. He’s like DeSean Jackson, and Aaron Rodgers may postpone his mutiny if they new braintrust gives him a weapon like this.

Plus, the Green Bay GM was all like “hey ladies, I’m the new guy in town, I’m gonna be all splashy and make moves and such” so here he is making a move.


28. LOS ANGELES CHARGERS select Dalton Risner, OT, Kansas State

Yes, they do. They do select Dalton Risner.


29. ARIZONA CARDINALS trade with SEATTLE for the 29th pick

ARIZONA selects N’Keal Harry, WR, Arizona State


Seattle has made like 2 first round picks in the past 10 years, so I can’t let them use both of them.

I know I just said Harry isn’t a first round talent in my opinion, but at the back end of round 1 it’s basically round 2 anyway depending on the year. And Arizona’s offense is intergalactically shitty, so they could use a big WR who has already proven that he can live in Arizona without developing a meth addiction.



30. OAKLAND selects Trayvon Mullen


I mentioned the first time that I like Trayvon Mullen as potentially the 3rd best corner in this year’s draft, so I’m going to make him the 3rd corner taken in this year’s draft.


31. LOS ANGELES RAMS select Mack Wilson, ILB, Alabama

They still need a linebacker, and I’m still going to give them Mack Wilson, even though he’s probably not going to be taken in the first round.



32. CAROLINA PANTHERS trade with NEW ENGLAND for the 32nd pick

CAROLINA selects Chase Winovich, Edge, Michigan

New England is not going to make this pick. They never make this pick, and they don’t have a hands-on owner who is going to influence them to do so. Actually they do have a hands-on owner hahahaahahaha lol.

I’ll just move Carolina’s trade for Winovich down, even though Winovich is 32 years old or something like that.

Ok see ya

[Rex]

Here's what I want to know--if somebody drafts Josh Allen, how can we be sure that this is not the same guy that is already on Buffalo?

[tennbengal]

Laird - fwiw - I don’t think the bengals are remotely in on Haskins - murmurs from the bldg that they think he should have spent another year in college.

[A_B]

Scouting is hard.

[Gunpowder]

Laird - fwiw - I don’t think the bengals are remotely in on Haskins - murmurs from the bldg that they think he should have spent another year in college.

Hmm. I hadn't read that. He probably should have but if I can get a guy like that at the fringe of the top 10 I probably take it.

What are you seeing? Murray or Lock? Or an offensive lineman or four?

[Gunpowder]

Scouting is hard.

GPJ in 2011, trouncing the SI scouts:

ONE. CAROLINA PANTHERS – CAM NEWTON, QB

I have to type one because Microsoft Word is stupid and no matter how many times I tell it not to go into numbered list mode it does it anyway. But we aren’t here to debate with the paperclip. We’re here to predict who goes number one in the draft…and my sources say Cam Newton. My sources on this one were Google and ESPN.

Newton looks like a black Tebow, which is good minus the black part, and he is far ahead of Tebow as a throwing quarterback. However, I continually read accounts of his fake smile and that is something that I will NOT tolerate out of my starting quarterback. You have to smile like you fucking mean it, man! I’m supposed to watch my QB throw touchdowns while fake smiling like he’s laughing at one of Dennis Miller’s jokes? Not on my watch. However, I’m not the Panther GM and I cannot speak for him. Newton is also very versatile as numerous sources say he’ll help the Panthers sell tickets, however, I think that position would best be filled by minimum wage employees while Cam focuses on football and emotion.

4. CINCINNATI BENGALS – BLAINE GABBERT, QB

Most sites have the Bengals taking AJ Green, but he’s not criminal enough! Jk, that joke is so played out that Jeff George won’t even sign with it. Remember when the Bengals were criminals? That was also coincidentally (or ironically if you’re dumb) when they were good at football. Then they cleaned themselves up and charactered their way to a 4-11-1 finish. Then they started acquiring criminals like Ced Benson and Rey Maualuga and they were good again. Then they signed the thallium cocktail that is Terrell Owens and they sucked. Whatever.

Back on subject here, my source is the Bengals depth chart behind Carson Palmer. All that they have are little brother Jordan Palmer and Dan LeFevour. If you were fortunate enough to witness LeFevour’s play for the preseason Bears, you wouldn’t have recognized what you were watching, mainly because you were expecting to see an NFL player at QB. I don’t think Carson Palmer is coming back and no way in hell are the Bengals gonna roll with that at QB. With no free agency (well…kind of at this point although it would make huge sense for the Bengals to try and snatch a veteran on the cheap or make a quick trade of Palmer before the draft…COLLUSION!) , the striped douchebags may be stuck.

Blaine Gabbert is going high because it’s 2011 and he’s kinda fast. That’s it. Any other year and he goes 12th round.

8. TENNESSEE TITANS – JAKE LOCKER, “QB”

Jake Locksucker, QB. Jake Locker does not play like an NFL QB. He’s Tim Tebow redux, maybe with a tad more athleticism. But Tebow may have been more accurate, which is awful to have to type about a human being that has feelings. Locker is a sick athlete but NFL teams don’t employ “athletes” at QB, they use QBs that happen to be athletic. Vince Young is probably a far more polished passer than Locker (but I’d say less athletic). I don’t think Locker will justify this selection, but what do I know.

(Answer: Not very much but I try)

Apparently I thought everyone was some shade of Tim Tebow.

The Bengals part still stands, I fear the criminal Bengals and love the clean, respectful 4-12 Bengals.

[GoodKarma]

Laird - fwiw - I don’t think the bengals are remotely in on Haskins - murmurs from the bldg that they think he should have spent another year in college.

I hope this is correct...since the Bengals have sooo many needs the only worse pick they could make would be TE. I'd be fine with literally any other position.

I also agree Haskins needs another year...I'd rather see the Bengals take Lock or Jones if they are going to take a QB.

[tennbengal]

Laird - fwiw - I don’t think the bengals are remotely in on Haskins - murmurs from the bldg that they think he should have spent another year in college.

Hmm. I hadn't read that. He probably should have but if I can get a guy like that at the fringe of the top 10 I probably take it.

What are you seeing? Murray or Lock? Or an offensive lineman or four?

If they can’t get either of the Devins - then Jonah Williams or Lillard. If all four gone, then it gets dicey. Maybe edge - and I keep hearing Rashan Gary in that scenario and I hope it doesn’t go down like that.

[Pruitt]

Here's what I want to know--if somebody drafts Josh Allen, how can we be sure that this is not the same guy that is already on Buffalo?

If he can hit a receiver on a sideline route, than it's not the same guy who's in Buffalo.

[mister d]

LOL our “expert” didn’t have the #4 overall pick in his entire first round.

[Pruitt]

LOL our “expert” didn’t have the #4 overall pick in his entire first round.

I think that says more about the Gruden/Mayock house of genius than Mr. Gunpowder.

The Bills fan sites are over the moon that Oliver fell to them.

[tennbengal]

Thanks to the weirdness in the top 10 - Jonah Williams! So happy bengals did the right thing.

[mister d]

LOL our “expert” didn’t have the #4 overall pick in his entire first round.

I think that says more about the Gruden/Mayock house of genius than Mr. Gunpowder.

C’mon. We’ve been doing this over a decade.

[tennbengal]

The Giants GM is doing...things.

[Johnnie]

The Giants GM is doing...things.

[A_B]

[Rex]

[Brontoburglar]

I'd like to know how many of them paid $300 for hotel rooms in a city like Nashville and didn't wonder why the laws of supply and demand would make the prices so high

[DSafetyGuy]

I'm amused by the Vegas phone holder thing.

[Brontoburglar]

I'm amused by the Vegas phone holder thing.

she's a local TV person in Vegas and has enjoyed her viral fame

she also, in a longer video on the station's website, vowed retribution on her husband(?) for the bachelorette party being in Nashville on the weekend of the draft

[Rex]

That makes it seem a little bit more like it was staged. Local Fox affiliate reporter gets randomly interviewed by other local fox affiliate and the story goes viral after being on Fox News. Wake up sheeple!

[Brontoburglar]

there's also a joke, I think, gofundme for a boob job for the woman getting married

[Rex]

Is this real news about fake tits or fake news about real tits?

[brian]

Honestly, it sounds like fake news about fake tits.

[Pruitt]

I've never seen him play, so I can't really judge this new Giants QB. But the writer in the Guardian had this to say...

Yet the numbers are still alarming. Fifty-eight quarterbacks have been selected in the first round of the draft in the past 20 years. Want to know when Jones ranks among them in average yards per attempt? Fifty-fourth. His 6.2 AY/A is equal or better than just Kyle Boller, Patrick Ramsey and Jake Locker. Yikes.

[Gunpowder]

The Giants drafted Blaine Gabbert 6th overall. He's Josh Allen without the arm.

[Gunpowder]

Fuckin' Browns roster is so good. Just like the large, large majority o people just simply don't move like Denzel Ward, they don't move like Greedy Williams either.

[tennbengal]

Bengals now have six 6th round picks after trading down in two...that’s ...weird.

[Gunpowder]

They should just keep them and draft 6 offensive linemen.

[Gunpowder]

Maybe not roll 84 year old Jim Brown out there next year?

[Johnnie]

Ok, I didn't follow any of this but through social media and push notifications. I was out running errands last night and didn't feel like watching this when I got home.

I've just now turned it on.

Holy shit. The overproduction. The shutting down of a downtown of a city. Every God damn body coming out to announce picks for their respective team.

The NFL is king, man. They've turned the most mediocre shit into prime time television.

Edit:

Also, I haven't seen commercials in a very, very long time. This is jarring.

[Sabo]

Maybe not roll 84 year old Jim Brown out there next year?

Yeah, that wasn't a good look.

[Johnnie]

In honor of Josh Rosen getting traded to the Dolphins, this tweet from a couple months ago....

[A_B]

Ok, I didn't follow any of this but through social media and push notifications. I was out running errands last night and didn't feel like watching this when I got home.

I've just now turned it on.

Holy shit. The overproduction. The shutting down of a downtown of a city. Every God damn body coming out to announce picks for their respective team.

The NFL is king, man. They've turned the most mediocre shit into prime time television.

Edit:

Also, I haven't seen commercials in a very, very long time. This is jarring.

You really haven’t watched any live sports to see commercials?

[Johnnie]

I'm typically streaming the channels, they show the same handful of boring commercials and will have literal dead air "this program will resume momentarily" screens.

I watched the Super Bowl, obviously, and left the room when commercials came on.

Also, they just paraded military folks to the stage and played Lee Greenwood. Ugh.

[Johnnie]

[EnochRoot]

Well Trump tweeted congrats to the MAGA Chud / White Nationalist prize of the NFL draft, Joey Bosa.

So Joey's got that going for him.

What a time to be an American.

[A_B]

A punter just went in 4th round. Three time all American but still.

[Johnnie]

[brian]

Would love to see Lions draft Tyree Jackson here soon. Kid is gonna be a stud though he needs some coaching. (Which he won’t get on the Lions so forget I said anything.)