Friends, the Real-Life Ones

[DSafetyGuy]

They came up in one of the COVID threads and chedda mentioned starting a separate thread, so I figured I'd do some of the heavy lifting for him, as I also thought about starting a thread when the topic turned.

Friends for me - two from high school, probably 10-12 from college and a couple who I met after graduating. Pretty terrible about staying in contact beyond social media, save for a half dozen from college who all graduated together (and six of the seven of us lived together as seniors) and my trying to help one high school friend get his kid recruited to play college football.

How do you make them in real life as a grown up?

We're closing in on seven years since we moved here. As someone who works from home, I can say I have made one friend since we moved here (our daughters were in the same day care class and my wife and I used the fact that they moved here shortly after we did as a driving factor in pursuing friendship with them) and I get along well with one next door neighbor. I also get along well with most of the guys from my basketball game, but have never seen them outside of a game other than a random run-in.

My wife also works from home and has made a handful of friends mostly through being the assistant leader of our daughter's girl scout troop. Of those who I have met this way, I have a hard time imagining spending time in a one-on-one situation with any of them. I have described it as "if I found four Syracuse basketball tickets on the ground, I would have a hard time using the other three."

It's not a massive deal because I prioritize our kids over my social life (and most social stuff includes the kids because there is a connection between our kids, mostly our daughter, and their kids). But the question still puzzles me.

[bfj]

I made a new friend in 2000. Other than him, it is the same people I've been friends with since HS. I don't know where I would ever have the time in my life to develop a new friendship like those I have with the people mentioned above.

[A_B]

I have what I would call four solid friends. People I do things with and communicate with regularly that aren't due to couples things. One I met in college and he now works in the office across the hall and we've been great friends since 1995. Another was a neighbor that we ended up hanging out with, but isn't strictly a couples thing. We've played rec league basketball and golf and stuff a lot as well as just go out for beers without the ladies.

Another is a co-worker who I have become close with. Talk/text all the time and play golf. Also I drove him to rehab once and he let me crash at his place when the wife and I were having a rough patch once.

Fourth is Sabo, whom I communicate with more than just about anyone as well as get together semi regularly for golf or soccer or whatever (I will also undoubtedly get a text from Mulligan about this, but hey, mulligan you and me just don't chat on the computer during work! It isn't personal, love you too!)

Then I have a group of three volleyball dads that have a pretty constant text string going, but don't hang out with them without the ladies very often.

After that it's a bunch of second degree friend of a friend type of thing where you end up seeing people at cookouts or for big games or tailgating. Not people I'd ask to help move a couch, but I'd say most of them would if I did ask.

Used to have a group of co workers that played poker once a month but that fizzled several years ago. I have no friends from high school that I still hang out with or really have anything to do with anymore.

I've not made a friend that wasn't a neighbor, volleyball related or a co worker in some time.

[sancarlos]

The majority of my friends in my town are people we met because our kids are the same age. Or neighbors, or former co-workers.

My best friends are old friends from decades ago.

[mister d]

HS/NY: Solid sized group I would see if I'm back home and people are available, two I chat with most every work day via hangouts, some more I'm in regular texts with and now a diff group that's mostly a few years older for weekend zoom/poker.

College/Phila: Three close friends with a daily active text chat + a few others in a fantasy football league and maybe every other year meetup.

DE: None I keep in touch with right now.

MA: Facebook, occasional text with a few, christmas cards, but with the weird caveat that this group I've known since college as I had a lot of friends in school in Boston and that group has carried on.

NJ: I have one "dad friend" who (aside from beer/drinking) I have a lot in common with and will text about non-kid things and then the casual parent friends or neighbors I assume everyone has, plus softball teammates, plus maybe a future City watch group based on a random meeting last weekend.

The semi-weird thing is that I probably have someone I would still consider a friend who I haven't seen in person in 5 years without even realizing it. Now that we have families so home hangout visits are less and weddings are mostly done, we can just never be in the same place at the same time.

[mister d]

Also, I assume we're not the only couple who will meet someone(s) new and later discuss whether they're "normal", as in you could hang out with them comfortably if the situation ever arose. 80% of people being not normal and 80% of normal 20% never turning into someone you hang out with.

[govmentchedda]

Also, I assume we're not the only couple who will meet someone(s) new and later discuss whether they're "normal", as in you could hang out with them comfortably if the situation ever arose. 80% of people being not normal and 80% of normal 20% never turning into someone you hang out with.

I'll add more in a bit, but I remember my wife and I commenting when we started making friends with other parents that often there'd be one in the couple that we'd like, and one in the couple that we wouldn't.

[bfj]

There are also wife’s friends’ husbands who I like at couples dinner but not enough to go to a ball game or ever hang out with. Which always makes it awkward when they invite me and I decline. Plus side is they only ask once!

[mister d]

Yes and yes. The split couples are the worst.

[Pruitt]

Facebook brought me back in touch with a few guys who I was close with in Junior High (aka "Middle School"), and pre-covid, I got together with them once ever couple months.

The guys and gals that I am closest to I have known for a hell of a long time. 7 of us were playing online cards the other night and I did the math - I had known the other 6 people for 249 years.

I do have friendly acquaintances of just a few years, and a 30 year old "kid" I mentored, but the newest real friend I have I've known for 27 years.

Guess that makes me old.

[govmentchedda]

I'm real close with Oiler and two other friends that I've known since preschool and high school respectively, (known Oiler since preschool too). We have two group texts that are used daily, one with the wives and one not.

We're also close with a couple whose daughter was in preschool with my middle son, and we get together with them a lot (they're in our COVID, social distancing bubble).

I've got another group of 6 or so guys that went to my wife's HS (that I met early in college (them mostly at FSU, me at UF)) that are sort of the next layer of onion out.

Grew up, pretty close knit, with two other families that each had two kids (I have one sister), but we don't get together much, plus only my former law partner and I are in Tampa.

I don't talk to anyone that I met in college or law school.

I'm somewhat close with two other attorneys that both practice family law, and feel like I can lean on them for both business and friend issues.

I also feel friendly with most of you guys, even though I've only met DSafety, TT, and Johnnie.

Everyone else is basically an acquantaince.

[rass]

[DSafetyGuy]

I also feel friendly with most of you guys, even though I've only met DSafety...

Can't wait to see what your mask looks like when we drink in a park in January.

And we're hosting a (socially-distanced, mask-wearing, everyone bring their own everything except fire pit and projector) backyard movie Saturday night, including a new (to me) family. My wife thinks I will mesh better with the new family husband than the ones I have met already. This is a low bar to clear, but I don't really believe her.

[brian]

I really only have three friends that I ever hang out with in Vegas:

RamsFanny, though usually centered around some kind of a VGK game or other sporting event -- whether on TV or in person.
John, who I met from watching Lions games at local bars though he's about 10 years younger than me and works crazy hours in his casino job.
Mike, who is the husband of the bartender from the Lions games bar, but who used to travel nonstop for work as well until retiring a couple or three years ago.

During the pandemic have only got a chance to hang out with RamsFanny once before they closed the bars down again though we're going to try to do a day out at the pool together one of these days, though it's hard because he lives on the other side of town ("only" about 30 minutes away, but that's an eternity to anyone who lives in Vegas).

Mike's holed up with his wife at their cabin north of St. George.

I used to feel bad that I didn't really have many friends out here, but I still have a couple best friends I've known since I was 10, but since they live in Michigan and NC I don't get to see them all that much. After awhile, it's not like it was when you were in your 20s and going out every night. You don't need as many friends to help pass the time. But I also like that I get to see a lot of you in Vegas or other parts from time to time, so that's good too.

(Most of the husbands from my wife's friends are horrible. I wouldn't hang out with them even if I was desperate for someone to hang out with.)

[Johnnie]

That's the cool thing about the military. I've made, and kept, friends everywhere. But what stinks is that you have to leave them after a while. So friends fade into acquaintances, but if I ever need a couch to crash on, I know someone somewhere.

Prior to the military I have exactly one good friend and we keep in touch. I'm Godfather to his daughter. The rest of people from Massachusetts are family.

From my first duty station in Louisiana, I have two good friends. One lives in Alaska and the other in Austin. The friend from Austin is from Vegas originally and I'm friendly with his friends still.

From Arizona, I have two really good friends. One, I'm Godfather to his kid, the other is my fiancee's Maid of Honor, but I WAS FRIENDS WITH HER FIRST, MARIA.

I keep in touch with a few peeps from Korea. I was only there a year, so you party hard and go your separate ways. If you have the same assignment afterward, then you get lucky.

Germany yielded a bunch of friends I made from my gym, but like Korea, none followed to ABQ. Though a couple live in Texas, so I have seen them a few times just because I visited Texas over the last couple years.

Now that I'm here in ABQ, there's a couple friendship groups I'm in. One are a bunch of people I met through my fiancee. Another is my board game friends. And the third are gym friends. Though the last have faded into being acquaintances ever since I stopped going to the gym.

But here's the thing, and it's just kinda dawning on me, when I retire in Arizona next year, it all stops and I'll go down to just a few friends. Kinda depends upon how many people still live there from before I left. We'll see.

[Nonlinear FC]

Dammit, Drugs. This was teed up so nicely for a "Friends... How many of us have them" thread title.

There's not enough Whodini in the world.

[Nonlinear FC]

I kind of covered this in the other thread... But to detail it a bit more:

I left Ann Arbor right before high school. I had a really tight group of friends in elementary school, but when we go to middle school, new kids joined the group and I guess the fact that I didn't have a lot of money got me kicked out of the group. Anyways, I made a city wide all star team as a goalie and the other goalie was a year older so I didn't know him through club ball. We sat on an 8 hour bus ride to Peterborough CAN and instantly became best friends. We still text fairly frequently and his position with UM athletics has him down in MD every other year now and he brings his family down.

High school was a blessing for me. I got in with a group of nerdy soccer friends and made 5 new best friends and we still meet at least once a year. We also gradually merged our group with my GF (future wife) and her friends. I'm still very close with 2 of those women, separate from my wife's interactions.

College, 6-10 guys that would do just about anything for each other, and text regularly. Similar to high school, my GF's group merged with my group and we get together at reunions and one off get togethers with smaller groups.

The one era I totally forgot was my first job in politics at the DLC. I'm still in touch with 6 or 7 of those folks in Facebook and about every 3 or 4 years we have an in person reunion.

Then my co-coach who lives in our 'hood. I am friends, but not best friends, with 5 or 6 other dudes in the hood, especially my across the cul-de-sac neighbor... But not best friend level.

[govmentchedda]

I also feel friendly with most of you guys, even though I've only met DSafety...

Can't wait to see what your mask looks like when we drink in a park in January.

And we're hosting a (socially-distanced, mask-wearing, everyone bring their own everything except fire pit and projector) backyard movie Saturday night, including a new (to me) family. My wife thinks I will mesh better with the new family husband than the ones I have met already. This is a low bar to clear, but I don't really believe her.

Totally forgot I'll get to see you again. Looking forward to it.

[Nonlinear FC]

BTW, another interesting friend exercise is to go through your non-family wedding party to see who you're still in touch with. Then go through when you were in someone else's and do the same.

[govmentchedda]

Tampa has changed a ridiculous amount since you were last here, (assuming that was your last visit).

[Rush2112]

Funny. I have a couple of friends that I always see when I head back home, but of the two closest. one passed away and the other lives in Prague. ao think of both often, but Steve I maybe see once every five years if trips home match up. All the people outside of work here in CO I basically met via a old college roommate, though I hang with one of the new friends more than the old roommate (his wife is horrendous.) There are some semi-cool people in the cul de sac, but no one that I've had a beer outside the cul de sac or some BBQs.

I do have nights "out" with my best bud from college who's still back east which usually revolve around MST3K like viewing of movies or gaming via hangouts. We did meet a great gay couple through some volunteer work that I did, but sadly only texts since the Covid shit went down. We need to get together and drink whiskey.

Of you fuckers, I think of Shrew and MaxWebser as IRL friends, and probably would say the same of more of you, if we were in closer proximity.

[DSafetyGuy]

Tampa has changed a ridiculous amount since you were last here, (assuming that was your last visit).

It was.

We'll have to see if the biggest professional sports league in America can push themselves through a full season. It would be weird if the "fill-in" Super Bowl was the first one that had to be canceled.

[bfj]

BTW, another interesting friend exercise is to go through your non-family wedding party to see who you're still in touch with. Then go through when you were in someone else's and do the same.

Just did this recently and was able to track down a long ago friend I hadn’t talked to in 16 years.

[TT2.0]

A year ago, not too many. spent most of my time with a few other poker dealers/players. now that i started doing standup, pretty much all of my time is spent hanging with various comics, or fans of comedy. Became kind of a consuming part of my life. I barely have enough time to see and check on all the people i feel close to, much less the people seperated by a degree or 2. Its unusual if I don't talk to 40-50 people a day on messenger or by text

[sancarlos]

One thing I learned after I retired. I had a public-facing job, interacted with dozens of people on a daily basis. As I retired, I thought I would maintain relationships with lots of those folks. I was wrong. In some cases it was my own fault. But, I've found that a lot of folks are happy to keep in touch or hang out as long as you've got work in common - otherwise, not so much. So, now I only maintain relationships with a small number of that crowd.

I'm not really complaining. I've got some great old friends, and lots of friendly acquaintances. But, it was an eye-opener.

[GoodKarma]

To answer the original question I've been successful with two routes: work and neighborhood. I've always "forced" interactions to start...going to lunch with co-workers and taking the time to bs throughout the day; for neighbors I take the time to chat at the fence or in the front yard and offering to help with things like yard work or moving something. Things have tended to grow organically from there. Nowadays with the work-from-home stuff that has gotten much more difficult but I do attend social Zooms and my company does have an office in Denver that I will go into on occasion and play in the annual golf tournament, etc even though none of the people in that office work on the same stuff that I do. For the neighbors it took me 15 years and four houses to find a neighborhood where people wanted to be social. It started with the conversations which turned into beers in the yard which turned into doing favors like feeding the cats or watering flowers and continues to grow from there. The wife and I are are away from home for just over a month and we have one neighbor mowing the front yard; his wife watering front yard flowers; another neighbor mowing the backyard and that neighbors wife watering back yard flowers; different neighbors down at the end of the street getting our mail and yet another couple down at the other end of the street supervising a shade installation we had done last week. We have a keypad on the front door so those that we need to get in have a code. Yes, I'm a very trusting person. Since we've been gone there have been three gatherings between the neighbors on my back patio...that's how tight of a group we've become. I think the overall lesson has been little things add up and lead to bigger things.

All this being said I have two friends from college I still talk with (usually text) on a regular basis and see them 1-2 times a year when I'm back in OH or they come to CO and one friend from high school I see once every year or 2 but that's helped because her in-laws live in CO so I catch her when she's visiting them.

[Giff]

I feel like I have more than normal. I have 11 really good friends.

4 - met anywhere from pre-K to 5th grade
2 - met from junior high to high school, but didn't become good friends until after high school
1 - met through my college girlfriedn
1 - met through the law firm I worked at in college
1 - met 15 years ago on the first day of my job at my current employer
1 - met 14 years ago through one of my friends from elementary
1 - met 14 years ago playing poker at the bar in hung out at during the last several years of the 00s.

The rest in real-life are either through my wife, neighbors, or on my daughter's soccer team. We have a lot of what most people would consider friends and I consider myself very lucky.

[GoodKarma]

This is also acceptable:

[DSafetyGuy]

Many moons ago, on a freelance job in an office, I explained that I was not going to an after-work event by saying, "I got enough friends." One person laughed, clearly missing that I was not joking.

[rass]

But how are they supposed to know you well enough to get your sense of humor if you don't let them in???

[DSafetyGuy]

But how are they supposed to know you well enough to get your sense of humor if you don't let them in???

Who wants them in?

ETA: When I asked "how do you make them as a grown-up" in the first post, it was for the masses.

[sancarlos]

Many moons ago, on a freelance job in an office, I explained that I was not going to an after-work event by saying, "I got enough friends." One person laughed, clearly missing that I was not joking.

I imagine DSafe's avatar giving a dismissive side-eye as he tells the office co-worker to take a hike.

[The Sybian]

In a weird way, I think this place has replaced my need for keeping in touch with friends. It could be the timing, as I joined here just before getting married and then had a kid a year later. I used to email a group of HS friends frequently, and that died out around that time. Could be coincidental. One guy from that crew lives 10-15 minutes away. I ran into him at an open house for the county specialized HS. His daughter is my son's age. We used to do stuff together occasionally, and when the kids were young our families did stuff, but we realized its been 7 years since we got together. Have a close college friend also 10-15 minutes away. He'll call when he is bored at work, but talked to him twice in the last year, haven't seen him in 2 years. With all of these people, it's like no time has passed when I see them, but I just don't ever feel the need to reach out. I'm always happy when I do, make plans to get together, then it dies out.

Just had a childhood friend reach out on FB Messenger. He moved in 6th grade. We'd visit once or twice a year through HS. He spent 3 years traveling the world and posting on FB, so I'd respond to his posts. He is living in Germany now, but he did make a trip to NYC so I brought the family into the City to spend a few hours. Again, like no time has passed, but we will go years without writing. Hell, I don't think we have ever had a phone call post-HS. We messaged several times a day for a week, now we'll probably go 2 or 3 years with no contact.

We have a few groups of families we do stuff with, kids friends that we like the parents. I'm not particularly close with any of them, but I could count on them if I needed something. I feel like I could be friends with most of them, but who has the time to invest in that? Not just the time, but it feels like a huge effort. There are a bunch of parents I always talk to at kids' sports events. Some I even grab a beer with on occasion, but I wouldn't really call them friends. I feel like I was actually starting to cross the friend line with the guy across the street at the old house. He moved in maybe 7 or 8 years ago. Always friendly, and talked, even had their family over for dinner once. Their oldest is a boy a year younger than my daughter, and they would play sports together when one was out. Really bonded when we found out we were both into beer. Started buy extra for each other and just dropping them off. He got a mail order beer service, so he gets stuff from around the country, so we still trade, but since we won't run into each other a couple times a week, I doubt I'll ever call him.

My daughter really clicked with a girl on her soccer team, but they live 45 min - hour away. They text on the drive to and from practices, plotting a way to get the parents to become friends. It's funny hearing their ideas. The other girl is planning a backyard BBQ at their house, trying to convince her parents. I have no desire, but whatever. They just got the cutest German Shepherd puppy, and I just want to play with the puppy.

[The Sybian]

As for the wedding party, my wife didn't want bridesmaids, so we just had her sister and my college friend/law school roommate. We go years without seeing each other, but I still consider him a close friend. I was close with about 5 people from law school who moved to NYC. We hung out for several years, but everyone got married and moved to Miami, Charlotte, LA, and Brooklyn. Haven't kept in touch since. Just my law school fantasy league, and I was only close with one guy who is still in that league, friendly with 2, and didn't even know a couple who joined later.

ETA: 20 year reunion coming up next year (how the fuck?!?!), no desire to go.

[DSafetyGuy]

And we're hosting a (socially-distanced, mask-wearing, everyone bring their own everything except fire pit and projector) backyard movie Saturday night, including a new (to me) family. My wife thinks I will mesh better with the new family husband than the ones I have met already. This is a low bar to clear, but I don't really believe her.

The new-to-me family ended up not coming. Their daughter (age nine) had a stomachache, so they canceled. She's been having anxiety issues since schools were closed.