Friday Discussion: Presidential Royal Rumble

Johnny Carwash · Post by **Johnny Carwash** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 10:10 am

With Brian resurrecting the Friday discussion last week (Most Beloved Athlete) and getting a pretty healthy response, I thought we could make this a regular thing. Apropos of nothing, I'll share an idea that's been kicking around in my head for a while:

If you held a Royal Rumble-style match of all historical U.S. presidents, at their relative physical peaks, who would be the last man remaining?

Here are my top five contenders:
- Washington (father of the country, etc.)
- Jackson (survived a British prison camp during the Revolution; later personally attacked a would-be assassin with his cane)
- Lincoln (was an actual wrestler in his younger years)
- Teddy Roosevelt (self-explanatory)
- LBJ (big guy, tried to intimidate the shit out of anyone who crossed his path)

As for the first man out, you might be tempted to go with James Madison, who weighed less than 100 pounds, but I prefer to see him as a tenacious little fucker who would at least take a few others out first. I might go with someone like James Buchanan, just because he seemed like such a big pussy.

What are your thoughts?

PS: If there's interest, I'll run a detailed scientific simulation (i.e., make shit up) and post updates here.

howard · Post by **howard** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 10:16 am

Taft. He'd just blubber 'em all.

govmentchedda · Post by **govmentchedda** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 10:23 am

Teddy has to be the odds on favorite, no?

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 10:28 am

In a one-v-one tournament you'd like the chances of Teddy, GW, Jackson and Abe for sure.

But you have to take into account the alliances that would inevitably form. You're gonna get some shrewd guys ganging up on the biggest threats.

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 10:29 am

Always bet on black.

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 10:32 am

Teddy was a soft rich kid. Andrew Jackson was mean and violent by nature. Tough enough to stand up to a British officer as a little boy and get a scar on his face from a sword as a result. The guy on the twenty wins it.

Gunpowder · Post by **Gunpowder** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 10:33 am

We did this before and it was awesome. First off, fuck James Buchanan - I immediately accuse people who say "Obama/Bush is the worst president ever!" of being idiots for not realizing that James Buchanan's legacy should be continually face-fucked with dicks. Thanks for the Civil War Buchanan, you cocksucker.

Is Franklin Pierce still grieving over his lost son like he did throughout his Presidency? If Zachary Taylor had not died, I think American history would look radically different during that period.

I still gotta go with Abe or Teddy. Nixon and LBJ leading alliances is intriguing, though.

Gunpowder · Post by **Gunpowder** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 10:33 am

sancarlos wrote:Teddy was a soft rich kid. Andrew Jackson was mean and violent by nature. Tough enough to stand up to a British officer as a little boy and get a scar on his face from a sword as a result. The guy on the twenty wins it.

Teddy was anything but soft, but good call on AJax.

Giff · Post by **Giff** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 10:47 am

Can FDR add any weapons to his wheelchair? Maybe some sort of go-cart engine or something.

Johnny Carwash · Post by **Johnny Carwash** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 10:53 am

AB_skin_test wrote:But you have to take into account the alliances that would inevitably form. You're gonna get some shrewd guys ganging up on the biggest threats.

I thought of including Nixon as a dark horse for this very reason. I could see him building a tag team based on national security and economic prosperity, then switching at the last minute to whichever side hates blacks the most.

The Sybian wrote:Always bet on black.

So...Warren G. Harding?

Gunpowder wrote:First off, fuck James Buchanan - I immediately accuse people who say "Obama/Bush is the worst president ever!" of being idiots for not realizing that James Buchanan's legacy should be continually face-fucked with dicks. Thanks for the Civil War Buchanan, you cocksucker.

Couple more points about Buchanan:
- A shift in political winds during the 1990's could have led to him being only the second-worst president named Buchanan.
- Depending on which historians you believe, calling him a "cocksucker" might be literally correct.

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 11:41 am

Gerald Ford was a pretty good football player. I'd also vote for andrew jackson - sounds like he was a tough son of a bitch.

Scottie · Post by **Scottie** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 11:44 am

Pruitt wrote:Gerald Ford was a pretty good football player. I'd also vote for andrew jackson - sounds like he was a tough son of a bitch.

Can we vote for a Canadian Prime Minister?

Pruitt, imagine the screeching from the media party if Harper did anything remotely close to that.

Rush2112 · Post by **Rush2112** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 11:48 am

Giff wrote:Can FDR add any weapons to his wheelchair? Maybe some sort of go-cart engine or something.

Well if it was "at his peak" he was a strapping young lad before he was stricken with polio.

and his wheelchair he used was typically one that he designed that used a kitchen chair so don't know how well it would stand up.

rass · Post by **rass** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 11:56 am

This is just because I haven't done this in awhile, and should in no way be considered a complaint about the existence of this thread.

Gunpowder · Post by **Gunpowder** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 12:34 pm

Johnny Carwash wrote: - Depending on which historians you believe, calling him a "cocksucker" might be literally correct.

Wonder if he ever fucked Lincoln

Gunpowder · Post by **Gunpowder** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 12:36 pm

Rush2112 wrote: Well if it was "at his peak" he was a strapping young lad before he was stricken with polio.

Guillan-Barre!

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 1:07 pm

Eisenhower was not only a war hero, but he had a tattoo on his ass. Don't sleep on Ike.

I was going to give this to SL as a Gold Star trivia question, but while we are talking Presidential tattoos, who are the other two US Presidents that purportedly had tats?

devilfluff · Post by **devilfluff** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 1:18 pm

Nobody thinks Dwight D Eisenhower?

Not real big at 5'11, 185lbs, but:
Farm boy, middle child of 8 boys, college football player, fencer, gymnast, soldier.

He's got a pretty solid resume.

Sybian got to him as I was typing....

Gunpowder · Post by **Gunpowder** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 1:59 pm

Eisenhower would certainly be closer to the top than the bottom. Ford was the greatest natural athlete to ascend to the Presidency, that's gotta mean something. Presidential history makes me hard.

Was gonna make a Prime Minister thread but Scottie beat me to it. Who's the beastliest Prime Minister ever? Diefenbaker or some obscure dude like that?

Gunpowder · Post by **Gunpowder** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 1:59 pm

Great question Syb - I've read it but forgot. Looked it up and one is guessable, the other is basically one of the last guesses you'd make if you had the aid of a list of Prezzes.

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 2:28 pm

Gunpowder wrote:Great question Syb - I've read it but forgot. Looked it up and one is guessable, the other is basically one of the last guesses you'd make if you had the aid of a list of Prezzes.

Yeah, the surprise value in the last one is what made we post the question. That, and I was really curious to see if you'd know. Judging from your series of Presidential bios, you know tons of facts about Presidents that nobody else knows.

howard · Post by **howard** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 3:06 pm

Carter? (Navy)

Gunpowder · Post by **Gunpowder** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 3:06 pm

The Sybian wrote:
Gunpowder wrote:Great question Syb - I've read it but forgot. Looked it up and one is guessable, the other is basically one of the last guesses you'd make if you had the aid of a list of Prezzes.
Yeah, the surprise value in the last one is what made we post the question. That, and I was really curious to see if you'd know. Judging from your series of Presidential bios, you know tons of facts about Presidents that nobody else knows.

I'm President, sports and geography guy during trivia night....but still didn't know that one.

Gunpowder · Post by **Gunpowder** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 3:07 pm

howard wrote:Carter? (Navy)

Carter has an undeserved puss rep but this raises a question - are they all in their prime, or is it 42 year old JFK v. 70 year old Reagan?

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 3:10 pm

To be fair it should be their constitution while they were president, IMO.

Gunpowder · Post by **Gunpowder** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 3:11 pm

Teddy was a bad ass and 43 when elected.

howard · Post by **howard** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 3:11 pm

I was proposing James Earl as a tattoo-having ensign.

Gunpowder · Post by **Gunpowder** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 3:12 pm

He wasn't on the list.

Gunpowder · Post by **Gunpowder** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 3:13 pm

And really, up until Reagan, weren't basically all of them in the military?

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 3:17 pm

Obama, Clinton, FDR, Hoover, Coolidge, harding, Wilson, Taft, Cleveland, Van Buren, and Both Adams were not in the military at all.

So basically 25%

Rush2112 · Post by **Rush2112** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 3:59 pm

AB_skin_test wrote:Obama, Clinton, FDR, Hoover, Coolidge, harding, Wilson, Taft, Cleveland, Van Buren, and Both Adams were not in the military at all.

So basically 25%

But he was Assistant Secretary of the Navy, close enough right?

(and you forgot GW...not like he was really in the military.)

Giff · Post by **Giff** » Fri Feb 21, 2014 4:11 pm

Underrated guy to go sooner than expected? Jefferson.

cerrano · Post by **cerrano** » Sat Feb 22, 2014 12:08 am

Giff wrote:Underrated guy to go sooner than expected? Jefferson.

Going soon for jefferspin would be expected.

And the only answer to this query, hands down, is old hickory.

Via history.com

On May 30, 1806, Jackson and Dickinson met at Harrison's Mills on the Red River in Logan, Kentucky. At the first signal from their seconds, Dickinson fired. Jackson received Dickinson's first bullet in the chest next to his heart. Jackson put his hand over the wound to staunch the flow of blood and stayed standing long enough to fire his gun. Dickinson's seconds claimed Jackson's first shot misfired, which would have meant the duel was over, but, in a breach of etiquette, Jackson re-cocked the gun and shot again, this time killing his opponent. Although Jackson recovered, he suffered chronic pain from the wound for the remainder of his life.

'Nuff said.

DaveInSeattle · Post by **DaveInSeattle** » Sat Feb 22, 2014 1:14 am

Johnny Carwash wrote: - LBJ (big guy, tried to intimidate the shit out of anyone who crossed his path)

According to Caro's biography (at least the first part) LBJ was a puss. Despite his size and his intimidating style, the moment a fight started he would start screaming and crying and would lay down and kick his legs like a little girl.

And I don't know why, but Truman seems to me like he'd be a tough out. I bet he would fight dirty.

Scottie · Post by **Scottie** » Sat Feb 22, 2014 1:16 am

Gunpowder wrote:Eisenhower would certainly be closer to the top than the bottom. Ford was the greatest natural athlete to ascend to the Presidency, that's gotta mean something. Presidential history makes me hard.

Was gonna make a Prime Minister thread but Scottie beat me to it. Who's the beastliest Prime Minister ever? Diefenbaker or some obscure dude like that?

"Tough" in Canada means "someone who can read Canadian history without falling asleep". You have to be seriously badass to do so.

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Mon Dec 15, 2014 7:06 pm

I guess this is as good a place to put this as any.

I saw this at the store today. I don't intend to buy Gunpowder Jones a Christmas present, but if I did, it would be this! Who wouldn't want their own Grover Cleveland Pez dispenser? Or, Franklin Pierce? Or... Rutherford B. Hayes!!! (I got way too excited about this...)

Johnny Carwash · Post by **Johnny Carwash** » Mon Dec 15, 2014 7:19 pm

sancarlos wrote:

The head of the fourth one not only tilts back, but also to the left. (sorry)

sancarlos wrote:Who wouldn't want their own Grover Cleveland Pez dispenser? Or, Franklin Pierce? Or... Rutherford B. Hayes!!! (I got way too excited about this...)

That reminds me, I have been meaning to get the Franklin Pierce set, and then throw the other chumps out.

Ryan · Post by **Ryan** » Mon Dec 15, 2014 7:25 pm

The Buchanan one should be empty

howard · Post by **howard** » Mon Dec 15, 2014 8:31 pm

OK, I gave it an hour. I claim the Kennedy joke.

rass · Post by **rass** » Mon Aug 17, 2015 7:58 am

Harding perseveres.