The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Okay . . . let's try this again.

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Jerloma
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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by Jerloma » Tue Feb 27, 2018 5:05 pm

Giff wrote:
Sat Feb 24, 2018 9:14 am
bfj wrote:
Sat Feb 24, 2018 12:03 am
Is that the smoke show on FB, J-Lo?
Was wondering that too.
Yeah, no. Infinitely better looking. Also, she just sent me this...
A little disappointed I didn't get a special birthday serenade this year. Jesus, Kyle! After our hot cruise ship rendezvous, I thought for sure I would get one. A little disappointed I must say.
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by sancarlos » Tue Feb 27, 2018 5:18 pm

Get to work!
"What a bunch of pedantic pricks." - sybian

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mister d
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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by mister d » Tue Feb 27, 2018 5:23 pm

She wants to kiss you, J-Lo.
bfj wrote:
Wed Aug 15, 2018 10:07 am
My people call that Kishka.

ETA - we don't call weird dicks Kishka.

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Jerloma
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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by Jerloma » Tue Feb 27, 2018 5:27 pm

sancarlos wrote:
Tue Feb 27, 2018 5:18 pm
Get to work!
You mean writing her a birthday serenade, right?
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by sancarlos » Tue Feb 27, 2018 5:40 pm

Jerloma wrote:
Tue Feb 27, 2018 5:27 pm
sancarlos wrote:
Tue Feb 27, 2018 5:18 pm
Get to work!
You mean writing her a birthday serenade, right?
Well, that's part of it, yeah...
"What a bunch of pedantic pricks." - sybian

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Brontoburglar
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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by Brontoburglar » Wed Feb 28, 2018 9:23 am

this is like me at 20 all over again
"We're not the smartest people in the world. We go down the straightaway and turn left. That's literally what we do." -- Clint Bowyer

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by The Sybian » Wed Feb 28, 2018 11:41 pm

Brontoburglar wrote:
Wed Feb 28, 2018 9:23 am
this is like me at 20 all over again
Right? Once we got you and Johnnie over the lack of confidence, I thought we were done. Fuck.
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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by Jerloma » Sat Mar 31, 2018 6:18 pm

Hey guys, help! A couple of days ago I told hot sex dream girl that I was spending Easter alone doing whatever I felt like. She was going to her dad's with her bf and kids. Two days later, she just tells me that her whole house is going to some water park hotel in New Hampshire from tomorrow morning to Monday afternoon and she's just staying home alone because she has to work Monday morning.

Even to me, this appears like there's a chance it's not just a coincidence.

Ummm...what do I do?
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by A_B » Sat Mar 31, 2018 6:20 pm

Ask if she wants to get together dude.

Wait. She has a bf? That complicates matters.
certainly expansive during tactical areas and specific zones

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by Brontoburglar » Sat Mar 31, 2018 6:41 pm

A_B wrote:
Sat Mar 31, 2018 6:20 pm
Ask if she wants to get together dude.

Wait. She has a bf? That complicates matters.
Ask her to get a drink but.... yeah, the boyfriend thing would send me running
"We're not the smartest people in the world. We go down the straightaway and turn left. That's literally what we do." -- Clint Bowyer

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by A_B » Sat Mar 31, 2018 6:43 pm

Brontoburglar wrote:
Sat Mar 31, 2018 6:41 pm
A_B wrote:
Sat Mar 31, 2018 6:20 pm
Ask if she wants to get together dude.

Wait. She has a bf? That complicates matters.
Ask her to get a drink but.... yeah, the boyfriend thing would send me running
This seems like the best bet. Get a feel for he situation.
certainly expansive during tactical areas and specific zones

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mister d
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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by mister d » Sat Mar 31, 2018 6:44 pm

Fuck the BF to establish full dominance.
bfj wrote:
Wed Aug 15, 2018 10:07 am
My people call that Kishka.

ETA - we don't call weird dicks Kishka.

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Jerloma
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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by Jerloma » Sat Mar 31, 2018 7:34 pm

Yeah, I already told you, she lives with a guy but she can't stand him. Plus, I thought we were in the trust-tree, here.
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by The Sybian » Sat Mar 31, 2018 9:12 pm

mister d wrote:
Sat Mar 31, 2018 6:44 pm
Fuck the BF to establish full dominance.
I wanted to take J-Lo's cry for help seriously, but this fucking killed me. Nice imagery. This is your first step into the post-marriage dating game, you don't want to jump into a relationship with the first woman you talk to. She is clearly giving you enormous signs, and you sure sound like you are attracted to her. Go for it, knowing she is in a relationship, and you aren't trying to win her over. She isn't happy with the guy, so give her a good time, something to look forward to, but don't expect it to turn into a relationship. It's a perfect opportunity to get yourself back out there, without the pressure of a date, and since you know her, you can skip the awkward, annoying first date getting to know you bullshit. This is the perfect opportunity handed to you. Don't overthink it, just do it!
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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by sancarlos » Sat Mar 31, 2018 11:56 pm

A_B wrote:
Sat Mar 31, 2018 6:20 pm
Ask if she wants to get together dude.

Wait. She has a bf? That complicates matters.
To clarify, is "bf" a boyfriend or best (female) friend?
"What a bunch of pedantic pricks." - sybian

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by Pruitt » Sun Apr 01, 2018 7:06 am

Sex is sex, but considering that there's a boyfriend involved, I'd stay away.

The potential for big time drama is too great to ignore.
"Maybe he shit out his memory." - Mr. D

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by Jerloma » Sun Apr 01, 2018 9:59 am

Well she did me the favor of asking me if I wanted to meet for a drink. Bloodies and brunch it is!

Fuck Kranepool!
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God

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Jerloma
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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by Jerloma » Sun Apr 01, 2018 10:01 am

And no...neither one of us have any interest in a relationship.
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God

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Brontoburglar
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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by Brontoburglar » Sun Apr 01, 2018 10:01 am

Jerloma wrote:
Sun Apr 01, 2018 9:59 am
Well she did me the favor of asking me if I wanted to meet for a drink. Bloodies and brunch it is!

Fuck Kranepool!
brunch?

so basic!
"We're not the smartest people in the world. We go down the straightaway and turn left. That's literally what we do." -- Clint Bowyer

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mister d
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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by mister d » Sun Apr 01, 2018 1:12 pm

Can or would this guy kill you? That would be a very big factor for me.
bfj wrote:
Wed Aug 15, 2018 10:07 am
My people call that Kishka.

ETA - we don't call weird dicks Kishka.

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by HaulCitgo » Sun Apr 01, 2018 5:36 pm

People only triple murder wives and baby mamas. If they're not his kids u good.

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by EnochRoot » Sun Apr 01, 2018 7:15 pm

mister d wrote:
Sun Apr 01, 2018 1:12 pm
Can or would this guy kill you? That would be a very big factor for me.
One of my buddies from HS..We were in our early 20s at the time. We threw a NYE party at his house. Bunch of guys and girls from HS (we were both down from college on break: his parents were out of the country). His older brother popped in for a couple beers to catch up with Ben and a bunch of us. We played some cards, listened to some music, etc. He had a date he had to keep later on. Reservations at some restaurant to ring in the new year. Or something like that.

Turns out that wasn't the story at all.

This is a blurb I found on the internet.
Man Kills Former Girlfriend 3rd Person Hurt
By CHELE CAUGHRON, Staff Writer, January 2, 1993
JUPITER -- An angry ex-boyfriend killed his former girlfriend and wounded her new boyfriend shortly after the new year began, and then killed himself, Jupiter police said on Friday. Dead were Sharon McKee, 31, of Jupiter and Daniel Oliva, 24, of Palm Beach Gardens. John Schneider, 31, of Homestead was in critical condition on Friday at St. Mary`s Hospital in West Palm Beach, a hospital nursing supervisor said. Jupiter police Officer Dan Powers said that at 12:04 a.m. on Friday, police were called to McKee`s home at 147 Moccasin Trail S. There they found McKee wounded with a gunshot wound to her head in the kitchen, Schneider with a shot to his chest in a back bedroom and Oliva with a gunshot wound to his head in the living room.
The guy in critical condition was paralyzed for life. Oof.

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by Nonlinear FC » Mon Apr 02, 2018 9:12 am

Enoch with the cockblock of this young century.
You can lead a horse to fish, but you can't fish out a horse.

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by Pruitt » Mon Apr 02, 2018 9:22 am

Nonlinear FC wrote:
Mon Apr 02, 2018 9:12 am
Enoch with the cockblock of this young century.
That'll be tough to beat.
"Maybe he shit out his memory." - Mr. D

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by Jerloma » Mon Apr 02, 2018 12:20 pm

So I met her at the bar for bloody marys and it went really well. She looked great...black leather pants and halter top. We talked and laughed for a few hours and really just had an awesome time. She didn't say anything when I paid the bill which I figured was also a great sign. Then, she says, "What do you want to do next...I'm down for whatever." For some reason, these are the words that came out of my mouth...

"Do you want to eat a pot cookie and go throw the football around at the beach?"

She thought about it for a few seconds and says "Yes. Yes I do."

Now this is a terrible idea. I don't even know where it came from. We weren't even close to a beach, nor did I have a football in my car so we grabbed a soccer ball out of her car and went to the beach and kicked the soccer ball around. It was kind of cold and windy but still, we had fun.

Also, the pot cookie I thought would be nice for releasing any inhibitions but not in like a creepy way but the thing with these cookies is that if you eat it after you've been drinking, they don't work right. You can drink after you're on it but after like 12 ounces of Greygoose, it ends being more of a weird, sluggish high. So then on the way back to her car, we were both sort of stoned but in an antisocial way. We didn't talk much and I was in no condition to make any other proposals so I just dropped her off and we went home.

Regarding the boyfriend, they are selling their house and then going separate ways so I don't see me getting murdered. That's good, I guess.
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by mister d » Mon Apr 02, 2018 12:22 pm

“Meet me Wednesday night to arm-wrestle?”
bfj wrote:
Wed Aug 15, 2018 10:07 am
My people call that Kishka.

ETA - we don't call weird dicks Kishka.

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by The Sybian » Mon Apr 02, 2018 12:28 pm

Ugh. Netflix and Chill. The kids created the perfect line to propose sex in a non-creepy way. Use it.
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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by Moreta » Mon Apr 02, 2018 12:42 pm

“I have a collection of worthless old baseball cards at my place. Want to see them?”

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by Pruitt » Mon Apr 02, 2018 12:47 pm

Moreta wrote:
Mon Apr 02, 2018 12:42 pm
“I have a collection of worthless old baseball cards at my place. Want to see them?”
Who could resist?
"Maybe he shit out his memory." - Mr. D

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by Jerloma » Mon Apr 02, 2018 1:00 pm

Seriously...I'm the worst.
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by Brontoburglar » Mon Apr 02, 2018 2:18 pm

you make me sad

me!

me!

ME!
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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by Nonlinear FC » Mon Apr 02, 2018 2:38 pm

Jerloma wrote:
Mon Apr 02, 2018 1:00 pm
Seriously...I'm the worst.
Nah, man... The worst would've been doing some kind of Meet the Fockers where you got all worked up and volleyed the ball of her domepiece and busted up her lip or something.

Or barfed on or near her.

Or got pulled over for driving 14 MPH on the highway.

Oh, or if you hit a dog on the drive home.

Or maybe the pot made you think you were in England where the use of the C word is much more acceptable.

(I could do this all day.)
You can lead a horse to fish, but you can't fish out a horse.

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mister d
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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by mister d » Mon Apr 02, 2018 3:01 pm

Keep going until you get to "Or hopped over a guardrail, fell 20 feet down then got taken back to her place to contract a sex-less venereal disease" and call it a day.
bfj wrote:
Wed Aug 15, 2018 10:07 am
My people call that Kishka.

ETA - we don't call weird dicks Kishka.

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by TT2.0 » Tue Apr 03, 2018 2:13 am

could always just text her and ask her to meet you in a seedy motel in 30 minutes to fuck...isnt that how still legally married people do it in the movies?
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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by Jerloma » Mon Aug 06, 2018 3:10 pm

I went to Block Island for the day with the smokeshow last week. I regret to inform you that I'm a massive disappointment once again.

Here's the thing though...she knows I have a crush on her. She definitely knows I'm available. If she wanted to hook up, there's nothing holding her back. She's the one who lives with someone and in making a move on her, I'd be taking the position that she'd willingly cheat, which seems presumptuous and kind of dickish.

The whole nothing to lose thing is kind of out the door too now because I genuinely enjoy talking and hanging out with her. She's intelligent, sarcastic, and unoffendable. I don't want to take the risk of making it weird. So it looks like unless she makes a move, I'm resigned to the friend zone.
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by A_B » Mon Aug 06, 2018 3:18 pm

I'm not saying I'm good with this stuff, but the longer you hold out hope for her, the more time you lose finding someone else.
certainly expansive during tactical areas and specific zones

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by sancarlos » Mon Aug 06, 2018 3:21 pm

A_B wrote:
Mon Aug 06, 2018 3:18 pm
I'm not saying I'm good with this stuff, but the longer you hold out hope for her, the more time you lose finding someone else.
A_B the Logical
"What a bunch of pedantic pricks." - sybian

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by Jerloma » Mon Aug 06, 2018 3:23 pm

A_B wrote:
Mon Aug 06, 2018 3:18 pm
I'm not saying I'm good with this stuff, but the longer you hold out hope for her, the more time you lose finding someone else.
But what if she's my soulmate?
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by A_B » Mon Aug 06, 2018 3:25 pm

Jerloma wrote:
Mon Aug 06, 2018 3:23 pm
A_B wrote:
Mon Aug 06, 2018 3:18 pm
I'm not saying I'm good with this stuff, but the longer you hold out hope for her, the more time you lose finding someone else.
But what if she's my soulmate?
Then fucking tell her explicitly you want to give it a shot and try to find out!

And honestly, I know she seems cool, and you're probably thinking...hey I already know her and it's easy, but the chances that the first person you're into after a divorce is the one are slim. You just wanna get some stinky on your hangdown, and I get it, but you would probably be better off doing some more fishing.
certainly expansive during tactical areas and specific zones

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Re: The Official Swamp Dating Thread

Post by rass » Mon Aug 06, 2018 4:03 pm

A_B wrote:
Mon Aug 06, 2018 3:25 pm
You just wanna get some stinky on your hangdown, and I get it, but you would probably be better off doing some more fishing.
A_B the guy who talks like the cool dad in jr high
I felt aswirl with warm secretions.

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