Jeeves Is a Reluctant Best Man

[Johnny Carwash]

OK, been planning to post this for a number of months seeking some advice, but it felt so daunting I kept putting it off, and realized I'm running out of time.

Here's the deal: A week from Friday my brother is getting married in Colorado. As his only brother, I've been asked to serve as the best man.

The girl he is marrying is the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to my immediate family. They've been together for ~4 years, and in that time she has completely taken over his life, destroying almost all vestiges of him as an independent person. I'm really too tired to catalog all the specific reasons she, and the overall situation, suck, but I'll try to add some more context as I get feedback here.

So, to try to summarize as a question: How can I fulfill my duties as a best man, including the obligatory speech, as best as possible under the circumstances, without making any signals of my disapproval obvious?

[rass]

Generic speech, drink (or whatever, it's CO) a lot.


Maybe work an acrostic into your printed version of the speech just to make yourself laugh. Good luck.

[degenerasian]

I would make the speech a roast about how terrible a brother he was growing up. Forget about her and whats to come. A funny slide show with pictures of you both as kids would be a hit.

[Johnny Carwash]

Generic speech, drink (or whatever, it's CO) a lot.

I'm probably not going to drink, since their level of narcissism is so high that I'm sure every moment will be recorded and broken down later like Citizen Kane. I can't risk doing anything that would compromise the mask I'll be trying to wear.

Maybe work an acrostic into your printed version of the speech just to make yourself laugh. Good luck.

I literally had this exact same thought. Like, a poem where the first letter of every line spells out "FUCK YOU [her name]" but decided against it due to the risk of being found out.

[Johnny Carwash]

So, was able to organize some more context:

-She has the mental level of around a 12-year old girl (that may be generous) who is in love for the first time. Complete with the stereotypical high-pitched "little girl" voice that signals a state of arrested development. She is incapable of seeing or hearing something even slightly out-of-the ordinary her without shrieking "eh my ga-ha-haaaad!" Beyond all the other effects she's had on the family, she is just insufferable to be around on a personal level.

-She is an only child. Nothing wrong with that in and of itself, but she's a walking stereotype of the worst-case scenario of this.

-She already had one failed marriage under her belt by her mid-20s, yet this managed to have no visible effect on her maturity level as described above. If this were a bigger red flag, Soviet troops would be planting it on the roof of the Reichstag in 1945.

-After they were together for a year or so, they bought a house. Not just any house, but they absolutely had to have their (her) dream house that was beyond their means. My parents (who are retired and on a modest fixed income) refinanced their own house to make this possible. I gave him about half of my cash savings at the time. Despite this, almost immediately after they moved in, their level of contact with us declined dramatically.

-To call her "high-maintenance" is a colossal understatement. She needs constant validation of his commitment to her. Endless streams of texts, calls of "baaaaaaaaaaaabe?" beckoning his attention...he has been rendered effectively incapable of giving anyone else his undivided attention. The only times I can have anything approaching a normal conversation with him anymore are when he "sneaks" a call in during a time when she is logistically incapable of contacting him (usually when either he or she is in transit from work). The last time I visited their home and actually managed to get some time with him, she texted him from another room in the house and he had to go attend to her.

-As mentioned above, since they've been together, my family has been increasingly phased out of his life. From what I can tell, his amount of contact with his own friends (who are not also her friends) has also been reduced. Essentially, he's been maneuvered into a position where everyone in the group of "friends" he interacts with on a regular basis is someone whose first loyalty is to her.

[Ryan]

As the guy who put a Scantron sheet on his dorm room wall with the bubbles filled in so it spelled out FUCKBOB (Bob being the kid on our floor that nobody liked), I support the passive aggressive approach

[govmentchedda]

Sucks. Try and take the high road, or go in there like Benjamin Braddock. BROTHER!!

[BSF21]

Just because I'm curious, how close are you and your brother? And how old is he? Have you had a sit down with him at all regarding this or is he part of the problem?

If you don't want to get into it that's fine, but if it's truly s bad as you say it is, your real best man duty is to have a heart to heart with him about why this is happening.

Just my .02, feel free to tell me to fuck off. This one just hits a little close to home for me.

[The Sybian]

I was wondering about both of their ages, too. Is this your bro's first serious girlfriend? Look up Borderline Personality Disorder, see if she has some of the other diagnostic traits. A big part of it is an intense fear of abandonment, like constantly calling and texting when a significant other is out leaving her home alone. If she fits the profile, there isn't much you can do, because your bro is probably just going to get pissed at you for saying it, but it might help if you understand where her actions are coming from.

I'm with Degen. Go with a roast. Hit your brother a bit, go through the guests, hit the bride until the room is extremely uncomfortable, back to your bro, then your true feelings on how she is horrible for your bro, ruined your family dynamic, and your whole family hates her. Direct quotes about hating her from your parents would be a solid closer. Get drunk first, or fake being drunk so you have an excuse.

[Jerloma]

I'm in the same boat next year but it's my friend; not my brother. Think he's making a huge mistake and I really have nothing good to say about her at all. Also, her 15 year old son is going to be the one standing up there during the ceremony because "How could we not?"

Certainly...but then just have him be best man. I couldn't care less. "Yeah but he doesn't know how to give a speech or throw a bachelor party." So, she's managed to find a way to have her son be her husband's best man while having someone else give a toast and throw a bachelor party.

Thing is...I'd do it anyway. I'll toast the fucking shit out him and throw him a bachelor party but don't fucking appease me. Hell, I'll even help the kid write something and it would be far more eloquent because it would at least be honest.

[degenerasian]

i think bachelor parties and best man are stupid antiquated ideas. I didn't have either.

Especially since hes marrying someone with a 15 year old, what does a bachelor party prove?

[sancarlos]

I'd take the high road in your speech, but slightly passive aggressive. By only focusing on your brother in the speech, not her. Give examples that all occurred before he knew her, of what a great brother he "is". Tell how proud you and your parents were to selflessly bind yourself financially, to help them acquire their dream home.

[Keg]

I agree with sancarlos, take the high road and get it over with.

[The Sybian]

i think bachelor parties and best man are stupid antiquated ideas. I didn't have either.

Didn't you get married in Vietnam?

I agree with San Carlos, but if you are taking the high road, don't make it obvious that you are excluding her and focusing solely on your brother pre-bride. That's going to go over with her about as well as insulting her. If you go the passive aggressive route, "accidentally" say you see this more as losing a brother than gaining a sister.

[Nonlinear FC]

i think bachelor parties and best man are stupid antiquated ideas. I didn't have either.

Especially since hes marrying someone with a 15 year old, what does a bachelor party prove?

My best friend couldn't decide on a best man, so he picked three of us. Which was fine, because I had no interest in throwing a bachelor party, and those two guys can't give a speech for shit. Worked out brilliantly - great party, and I made people cry with my speech (in a good way.)

[degenerasian]

i think bachelor parties and best man are stupid antiquated ideas. I didn't have either.

Didn't you get married in Vietnam?

They have bachelor parties and best man there! They asked me but I don't like it.

[HaulCitgo]

Write him up a prenup to ensure that the down payment moneys are separate so you can get your funds back when the house sells.

[Giff]

Just because I'm curious, how close are you and your brother? And how old is he? Have you had a sit down with him at all regarding this or is he part of the problem?

If you don't want to get into it that's fine, but if it's truly s bad as you say it is, your real best man duty is to have a heart to heart with him about why this is happening.

Just my .02, feel free to tell me to fuck off. This one just hits a little close to home for me.

I wish my sister had done that. I understood the rest of the family hated my first wife, but I think the sister I"m very close to didn't want to upset me by sharing her true feelings. I feel like that would've given me pause.

Of course, I look back on it all with what I learned from my mistakes from that time and the timing of it all, and I probably wouldn't be with my wife or have my kids now. So it was kinda worth it.

[Johnny Carwash]

Appreciate your feedback everyone, lots of good comments and questions so far. I'll try to consolidate my responses here:

Just because I'm curious, how close are you and your brother? And how old is he? Have you had a sit down with him at all regarding this or is he part of the problem?

I wouldn't say my brother and I were exceptionally close, but we got along well and enjoyed spending time together. Since he's been with her, though, almost everything we used to have in common has fallen by the wayside since they're not things she's "into." When we try to have a casual conversation with me like before, it comes off really forced and awkward. He is 32 (5 years younger than me).

I haven't really been able to do a sit-down with him, partly because I live far away, and partly because of the extreme difficulties in getting his undivided attention as described above. My parents have done multiple sit-downs with them, but he still doesn't "get it." He refuses to consider that any of the difficulties that have transpired are her fault, and simply tries to spin things as misunderstandings on our part.

A few other things to give you an idea of the dynamic:
-The officiant of the wedding is a friend of hers since childhood.
-There was a "bachelor party," but I excused myself since it was a joint bachelor-bachelorette thing.

I was wondering about both of their ages, too. Is this your bro's first serious girlfriend? Look up Borderline Personality Disorder, see if she has some of the other diagnostic traits. A big part of it is an intense fear of abandonment, like constantly calling and texting when a significant other is out leaving her home alone. If she fits the profile, there isn't much you can do, because your bro is probably just going to get pissed at you for saying it, but it might help if you understand where her actions are coming from.

He's always had (unlike me) a good way with women, and always had a bunch of girls proactively wanting to spend time with him, but this is the first one he's been this far with.

A while back I had seriously considered going "nuclear" and telling him bluntly how I feel, but decided against it because 1) there's a 99% chance he would just reactively, uncompromisingly take her side and lock me out of his life, and 2) I want to give him a lifeline in case he eventually wisens up and needs someone who will unequivocally be on his side.