Swamp Rimworld 2021: New Poll

[tennbengal]

most mental breakdowns - bengal (7)
most damage taken - bengal (363)

Now do the game

TOO SOON.

[Johnny Carwash]

Also, should we pre-emptively attack the near-by hostile factions or is that a bad idea in this game play?

Raise your hand if you want to go fight the Space Taliban...

[tennbengal]

Yeah, fuck them. Pure aggro. Let's lean into this.

[A_B]

Yeah, fuck them. Pure aggro. Let's lean into this.

Bengals on the red wine again!

[bapo!]

Raise your hand if you want to go fight the Space Taliban...

Been meaning to ask this: Is the Space Taliban a Carwash thing, or is that written into the game? Like, most people probably thought that term was just a remnant of the past until recent events. Seeing that here makes me uneasy. But it also makes me want to see rass take matters into his own hands and dole out justice.

[Johnny Carwash]

So the day after our adventure in the "ancient danger" room, we're hit with another raid from the Iogola Pact tribe. They're back in bigger numbers, and are heading straight for the base without a delay.


We're caught off-guard and rush to meet the attack. We're not in a great defensive position, so the best we can do is fight them from across our fields, Civil War style. A thunderstorm of bullets and arrows erupts across the field. bengal shoots the one named "Condor" in the head so perfectly his whole head explodes. This may be our most intense battle yet, but we prevail. If we'd been facing an enemy with weapons comparable to ours, the results may have been different.


In the midst of the battle bengal has collapsed, riddled with arrows, but will survive. DSafe, meanwhile, took an arrow to the eye socket but remained standing and walked off the battlefield on his own volition.


We celebrate our victory with another Airing of the Grievances, complete with the usual lively conversation:

[Johnny Carwash]

We pass a relatively uneventful rest of the winter and early spring, if "relatively uneventful" includes another insect raid that results in DSafe looking like he got totally fucked up but recovering with just the loss of his right pinky.


Alright, now it's our turn to take the fight to someone else for a change.


We'll send a crack team of bengal, rass, duff, brian, Ryan, and wlu_lax (literally in that last case).

After a day's journey, we arrive at the destination. Doesn't look too bad. One of the Taliban is named "Cohen." At least they're diversifying, I guess.


We take a good defensive position in the distance behind some boulders and open up on the Taliban from afar. Within a minute we've downed four of the five and the last one flees. This turned out easier than we may have thought.


As promised, we receive our reward including the following:
- Painblock - an upgrade for chedda's psychic abilities that will allow him to disable pain on himself or another for a period of time.
- Venom Fangs - bionic implant that gives someone venomous fangs
- Venom Talon - bionic implant that gives someone a venomous talon coming our of their hand

Feel free to call dibs on either of the last two, but preferably they would go to someone who usually fights hand-to-hand.

[Pruitt]

Man, DSafe is one tough dude.

[tennbengal]

Woe to the next attackers when we have the jet packs assembled and operational. Always with the high ground…

[DSafetyGuy]

Man, DSafe is one tough dude.

Further evidence as to why Sabo and I were screwed over when we dropped the SWF tag team belts.

[Johnny Carwash]

In late spring we hold another Swampcrash festival that brings us another new joiner. Hey look, it's Gunpowder!


Hector 'Gunpowder' Cribe was the illegitimate offspring of a nobleman. As an adult he served as a 'fixer' doing behind-the-scenes dirty work for a major energy corporation, a role made easier by his complete lack of empathy. He has good fighting and social skills along with an artistic streak, but not much else of practical value. He is greedy along with being a completely indifferent to human joy or suffering.

A group of ducks spontaneously self-domesticate and decide to join our colony. OK, then. We build them a pen adjacent to our crop fields. Look how big this pen is! This pen is huge! We should call this place Pen Island.

[Johnny Carwash]

Uh oh, the dreaded cannibal pirate gang of The Crossbow Monkeys have announced their return after a long absence, heavily armed and packing explosives. They're heading straight for the base, ready to blast an orifice wherever they please.


Lobbing grenades, they breach one of our main entrances in a matter of minutes. The best we can do is rush all our guys to the scene and hope to win by a sheer volume of firepower as they funnel through. It doesn't help that Sybian, Pruitt, and DSafe are stoned. A ferocious battle erupts just inside the gate.


After the smoke clears, we've managed to finally down them all. Nearly everyone on our side is wounded to some degree, but we fortuitously manage to avoid losing anyone. duff, however, suffers a shattered left radius that effectively leaves him one-armed.

[Johnny Carwash]

We've just managed to catch our breath from the pirate raid when we're hit from the opposite direction by another attack from the tribe of the Alogove Kinship. And this time, their leader "Riesling" is with them to personally direct the battle. We head out to intercept them, taking cover behind rocks and trees.


Despite their primitive weaponry, the tribals put up a tense fight. wlu_lax is hit by a thrown spear that severs his spinal column, leaving him paralyzed. Shortly thereafter, duff takes an arrow in the leg from Riesling's longbow and collapses. Then a few more attackers swarm rass, pounding him into submission.


We finally manage to stabilize our position and inflict enough casualties that the attackers begin to flee. Riesling, the leader, is nearly off the map when bengal decides he can't let the opportunity pass. bengal gets a clear bead, carefully takes aim...and shoots Riesling dead with a single shot! Congratulations, I think this is the first time we've ever killed a faction leader. Riesling's skull is set aside to become a special decoration in bengal's bedroom.


So, back to wlu_lax. Unfortunately, his injury has left him paralyzed and confined to a hospital bed. The good news is that our technology has advanced to a point where we can build him a bionic spine, though gathering the components needed will take some time. Here's DSafe (now one-eyed) trying to cheer up wlu_lax in the meantime:

[Johnny Carwash]

Well, we're not done yet with the Crossbow Monkeys. We receive a distress signal from a mysterious stranger who claims they're being held by the Crossbow Monkeys at a location about a day's travel away. We'll give them the benefit of the doubt and send out our expedition team once again.

And here we are, at the pirate base by the coast. Hey look, the prisoner is famous Swamp nostagiaganzist bapo! bapo at this point is naked but his captors have allowed him to carry some beef jerky and beer. According to bapo, there are 9 pirates in the vicinity, so we should prepare for a tough fight.


bengal gets things started by creeping forward and sniping one pirate, leading the rest to quickly swarm our position. It's a tense fight, but after a while the pirates have had enough and curiously decide to "retreat" in the direction we came, letting us easily mow them down.


Let's take a closer look at bapo...


Francois 'bapo' Miering grew up in a subterranean cave complex where he tended the fungus crops that made up the community's food supply. He later became a construction worker. He can't fight worth shit or do anything really interesting, but is good at the "grunt work" tasks that will make him a valuable addition to the colony. He has a great memory but is susceptible to frequent nervous breakdowns.

Another thing I should mention about bapo is that despite him asking us to rescue him from a gang of vicious cannibal pirates, he is still a cannibal himself. Guess it's just down to certain ideological differences. Now that we've got two cannibals in the colony (with Ryan), we might see about taking some additional steps to see they're "accommodated" from time to time.

[tennbengal]

Feed them the corpse of that Riesling asshole.

[mister d]

Cafeteria Cannibalism. SMDH.

[rass]

"beef" jerky

[DSafetyGuy]

I am enjoying how Carwash is basically making Rimworld versions of certain SWF people in terms of physical attributes.

[Johnny Carwash]

I am enjoying how Carwash is basically making Rimworld versions of certain SWF people in terms of physical attributes.

I don't know what bapo looks like IRL, so I just did something random and it ended up sticking.

[Sabo]

Any chance you can name the ducks? Asking for a friend.

[A_B]

Any chance you can name the ducks? Asking for a friend.

That’s not what I said!

[bapo!]

I am enjoying how Carwash is basically making Rimworld versions of certain SWF people in terms of physical attributes.

That purple hair is a huge part of my gimmick. Without that and my spinebuster, I'm nothing. Also, the eyebrows are on-point.

So, becoming a cannibal is quite the lifestyle change. I'm assuming that I still don't eat, like, regular meat, tho, right? I think I'm one of those cannibals. You know, the kind you dread getting cornered by at a party.

[mister d]

I bet you could get a truly staunch vegan to admit eating an adult human is more moral than an animal in under five minutes.

[tennbengal]

I bet you could get a truly staunch vegan to admit eating an adult human is more moral than an animal in under five minutes.

100% .

[Pruitt]

I bet you could get a truly staunch vegan to admit eating an adult human is more moral than an animal in under five minutes.

From "iamgoingvegan.com" - piece entitled "The “Human Meat” Question: Is Cannibalism Vegan?"

If veganism is about consent, then consensual cannibalism would arguably be vegan. That is, if I give you permission to eat my body after I die, then it’d be vegan to eat my body after I die—even though I’m an animal.

I think most ethical vegans would agree with this conclusion.

[Johnny Carwash]

Any chance you can name the ducks? Asking for a friend.

What did you have in mind? I'll have to check if "Fuck-a" is taken.

[Sabo]

Any chance you can name the ducks? Asking for a friend.

What did you have in mind? I'll have to check if "Fuck-a" is taken.

Mortimer and Ethel

[Johnny Carwash]

Any chance you can name the ducks? Asking for a friend.

What did you have in mind? I'll have to check if "Fuck-a" is taken.

Mortimer and Ethel

So, "hypothetically speaking," if you cared enough about these ducks to name them, and the base was currently under siege by a pack of maddened gorillas, would you: 1. Emerge from safety and risk your life to defend the ducks, and 2: Expect the others inside to assist you? Asking for a friend.

[Sabo]

Any chance you can name the ducks? Asking for a friend.

What did you have in mind? I'll have to check if "Fuck-a" is taken.

Mortimer and Ethel

So, "hypothetically speaking," if you cared enough about these ducks to name them, and the base was currently under siege by a pack of maddened gorillas, would you: 1. Emerge from safety and risk your life to defend the ducks, and 2: Expect the others inside to assist you? Asking for a friend.

No and no.

[Johnny Carwash]

[bfj]

Can I sculpt him a new one. Or give him that clawfinger thing we were given.

[Johnny Carwash]

A couple days after we rescue bapo, we learn that an unidentified group of pirates has set up a climate adjuster device nearby that will raise our local temperatures by 20 degrees until we destroy it. There are supposedly 11 pirates defending the site, so we send a larger expedition group this time—bengal, rass, wlu_lax, Pruitt, duff, Ryan, and Gunpowder. The site is about a day's journey away along a main road, so hopefully this won't take too long.

So, this is a first. Along the road our group is intercepted by another group of raiders, but luckily it's just these two assholes, who we quickly dispatch.


After the delay, we arrive at the climate adjuster site. Let's take a look. It turns out that the unidentified enemy is our old nemesis the Space Taliban. Their numbers will make this a tough fight to begin with, and they have a gun turret covering the center of the base, so our best bet is probably to lure them out to the perimeter.


We take up positions behind a maze of wrecked military vehicles and boulders and start sniping at the raiders in the base. Soon enough they rush to meet us in force and a ferocious battle ensues.


Casualties begin to pile up. The Taliban named "Roady" lobs a grenade at our position and Pruitt collapses, riddled with shrapnel. From the center of the base, a sniper named "Ewing" is wreaking havoc. First, Ewing blows off bengal's left leg, and then hits Gunpowder with a direct shot that obliterates his liver, killing him instantly. RIP GPJ, we hardly knew you (this time). Also, rass lost his right pinky toe.


Eventually we take the upper hand and the base is silenced, strewn with Taliban bodies. Once again, Ewing falls short in the finals. Aside from Gunpowder, all of our group will survive, though bengal and Pruitt are grievously wounded. We destroy the climate device and begin the difficult trek home with Gunpowder's corpse in tow.

[Johnny Carwash]

Welp, this has been a busy day. During the battle with the Taliban, we receive a distress signal from someone asking refuge at our base, claiming he's being pursued by a gang of man-hunting gorillas. Our good samaritan instincts kick in and we offer to take him in. Hey look, it's mister d!


Cameron 'mister d' Mankin was grown in a vat in a laboratory, genetically engineered to be a soldier without any concern for development of his social skills. Surprisingly, he left his military career to become a celebrated chef for the royal family. In addition to instantly becoming our best cook, he retains some of his combat skills, but not much else. He is greedy and likes to pig out on his own food from time to time.

Sure enough, mister d is followed by a troop* of angry gorillas. Since our best combat guys are still away, the remaining crew at the base decides to lock down the doors and bear down for a gorilla-siege until help arrives.


Things are complicated, however, when a transport pod crashes nearby, revealing a wounded passenger writhing on the ground outside with the gorillas still on the prowl. Hey look, it's AB!


Sabo decides he can't leave his old friend** stranded, and so decides to go on a rescue run when the coast appears clear. However, Sabo encounters a stray gorilla along the way who rushes him and bites his ear. Our pet badger Smoocher lunges to the rescue and attacks the gorilla, allowing Sabo to break away and successfully rescue AB. Smoocher is pummelled mercilessly, but will survive.


Let's take a closer look at AB...


Lukas 'AB' Pabosge grew up in a gang of street thieves before becoming an explosives engineer in the mines. He has good skills in mining and cooking, in addition to fighting with melee weapons, but refuses to do menial labor. His hobbies are eating and controlled substances.

As it turns out, AB is working for the Empire of Karens, so we'll need to imprison him and recruit him to our side if we want him to join.

*I looked this up.
**Confirmed.

[Johnny Carwash]

While we continue to wait for the rest to return, BFJ mans the mortar we got from the earlier group of raiders and takes some pot-shots at the gorillas, successfully setting a couple of them on fire.


Finally the expedition crew arrives, and carefully sneaks through an entrance out of sight of the gorillas. bengal, by the way, is hopping on one leg while carrying Gunpowder's body, because apparently the others couldn't bother. He promptly dumps Gunpowder by the door once inside.


The tribulations of the battle have gotten to some of us, however, and several mental breakdowns ensue. Pruitt decides to take out his stresses by slaughtering some of our ducks and heads back outside, disregarding the threat from the gorillas, who quickly swarm and beat the shit out of him.


Eventually we're able to use hit-and-run tactics to pick off most of the gorillas and the last few finally wander away. Pruitt staggers back inside. Should note that at this point, Pruitt has survived:
- being on fire for half an hour
- being butchered by scythe-wielding robots
- having his body shredded by grenade shrapnel
- getting beaten within an inch of his life by a gang of gorillas

Just saying, Gunpowder...

[Pruitt]

It's the beta blockers.

[rass]

Time for some GPJerky

[tennbengal]

Not the ducks. C'mon Pruitt. Be better.

[A_B]

Thanks, Sabes.

[Johnny Carwash]

By the way, we got bengal a second prosthetic leg now. Hope you can recognize your wife's voice through the bathroom door.

[Johnny Carwash]

Lots going on the last few days in RimWorld, so here's another update...

We're not done with rampaging animals, however. A few days later a mass of 49(!) crazed house cats appears on the horizon.


We gear up for battle and look for a good defensive position, but on second thought, it might be better to just wait this one out as well. We'll head back inside...

...but oh no! wlu_lax had taken the long way around and gets isolated from the group, and runs headlong into the cats. One of his eyes is torn out and the other is bitten out, and he falls covered in bleeding wounds.


The rest of us hurry back out and throw our whole mass into shooting and bashing the rest of the cats to death. It's too late, however, and wlu_lax dies from his wounds.