BUSINESS HORSE 2023 NFL MOCK DRAFT EXTRAVAGANZA

[tennbengal]

Jack Campbell to the Lions. Another over-drafted player based on most mocks I've read.

Tampa has to take Levis, right?

Watch a "Jack Campbell vs." video on Youtube and wait for him to do anything impressive

He doesn't seem to have any use if the play ends up anywhere other than directly in front of him...

[tennbengal]

Guess not. Kancey to the Bucs.

If the Vikings don't take Levis, I think he slides out of first round unless someone trades back in or the Saints bite at 29.

I guess Seattle could take Levis...

[brian]

I’m gonna give Brad Holmes the benefit of the doubt but I’m a little underwhelmed. Still 3 2nd rounders is awesome and this team needs depth more than anything else at this point.

[Reaper]

Levis to the Vikings now? I don't even know anymore.

And Forbes over Gonzalez, and Banks, and Porter seems crazy. He's listed at 6 foot, 166. Makes DeVonta Smith look swoll.

[tennbengal]

Levis to the Vikings now? I don't even know anymore.

And Forbes over Gonzalez, and Banks, and Porter seems crazy. He's listed at 6 foot, 166. Makes DeVonta Smith look swoll.

His ball skills are absolutely elite tho. Like, crazy crazy good. And he doesn't mind coming up to tackle. Still...never would have thought 2nd corner off board. I really wanted him at 28 to the bengals.

[Gunpowder]

Guess not. Kancey to the Bucs.

If the Vikings don't take Levis, I think he slides out of first round unless someone trades back in or the Saints bite at 29.

I guess Seattle could take Levis...

We already have one Drew Lock.....let's get two Drew Locks!!!

[Gunpowder]

Jack Campbell to the Lions. Another over-drafted player based on most mocks I've read.

Tampa has to take Levis, right?

Watch a "Jack Campbell vs." video on Youtube and wait for him to do anything impressive

He doesn't seem to have any use if the play ends up anywhere other than directly in front of him...

I'm so tired of these hyper-athletic dipshit ILBs.

[tennbengal]

[tennbengal]

[Rush2112]

steelers trade up to 14 and jump ahead of jets to get last good T on board in Broderick Jones (or at least last T without major flags or questions).

I feel like BB knew Gonzalez was going to be there at 17 and wanted to fuck the Jets another time.

[brian]

Feels like we’re going to get some Clay Travis hot takes that Levis slid because he’s white.

[Gunpowder]

Damn Myles Murphy at 28 is kinda decent

[tennbengal]

Damn Myles Murphy at 28 is kinda decent

Woo! A genuine shock that he was still there!

And a Todd McNeigh favorite! This was well worth staying up for.

(the bengals front office has been on a draft heater - a lot of the sins of the past have been receding)

[mister d]

I feel like BB knew Gonzalez was going to be there at 17 and wanted to fuck the Jets another time.

… because, once he’s honed in on a pick, he’s a master at baiting other teams into drafting other players!!!

[tennbengal]

jesus, the eagles just took Nolan Smith. They have Jordan Davis, the LB guy from georgia - Dean? , and drafted Carter and Smith tonite. They have mostly re-assembled the best parts of the last two years of the Georgia defenses.

[L-Jam3]

Athens North.

[mister d]

I don’t understand ESPN right now. Usually when this happens it’s something too young for me to get but now its husky Missourians between age 45-60 dancing uninterrupted for 4 minutes on ESPN.

[Rush2112]

I'm rooting for CJ Stroud

C.J.’s father, Coleridge Bernard Stroud III, is serving a 38-year prison sentence in upstate California. He pleaded guilty in 2015 to charges of carjacking, kidnapping, robbery and misdemeanor sexual battery stemming from a drug-related incident that ended with his evading police by jumping into the San Diego Bay.

Once a minister and the breadwinner of a family of six, Coleridge’s incarceration (the second of his life) sent the Strouds into financial ruin and destroyed his relationship with his then 13-year-old quarterback of a son. C.J.’s life was rocked by the development. The youngest of four children, his high school years were spent living in a small apartment above a storage facility. At one point, the Strouds nearly went homeless

As C.J. grew into a talented quarterback prospect, there was little money for new cleats (he got blisters wearing old ones); or new contact lenses (he once played a game without a lens in one eye); or a private quarterback coach (he studied videos on YouTube); or, at times, good nutritious food (his high school often sent the Strouds packaged meals). On the football field, things weren’t much better. C.J. entered his junior season of high school having thrown about 50 pass attempts and had received one scholarship offer.

[Gunpowder]

Every year I think, "ok, ignore the news (or at least most of it) and put more dumb shit in your mock", and I never ignore all the news or put nearly enough dumb shit in my mocks.

[Gunpowder]

I'm rooting for CJ Stroud

Wrong! The reason he's a bit distant and aloof is because he doesn't "love ball".

[HaulCitgo]

Kid bought a $200k car. No one ever listens

[rass]

32. PITTSBURGH STEELERS ...

Yeah I know this is the 2nd round but it’s my world and I do what I want. The Bears actually traded this pick for Chase Claypool my goodness

I'm not saying anything new here, just paying extra attention since it's my team, but this is a pretty nice spot to be in. Hopefully multiple players they like, and they have all day to field offers from other teams just in case.

[A_B]

I hate that I was equally skeptical about Levis as apparently every team. By all accounts a good kid, but I never saw first round talent. He's a round 3 guy you hope can be a solid backup for the right type of QB, with a shot of breakout if he learns how to, yo know, play quarterback. So maybe the bills or eagles or someone needs a cheap backup could do it today.

[A_B]

Also a question for the draftheads. After the NOT collusion about Jackson, all these teams that said they were "happy" with their QB situation almost couldn't draft Levis. Like, Atlanta has to keep pretending they like Ridder instead of taking Levis. So is it possible that contributed to Levis's slide (which again, I don't really have much of a problem with)?

[Todd McNeigh]

TODD'S MOCK 2ND YOU LOSERS THINK I'M DONE? I'M NOT DONE

I didn’t include nearly enough dumb shit in my first round mock, but grab your Tums because we’re getting extra spicy here in the 2nd!



32. PITTSBURGH STEELERS - Joey Porter Jr., CB, Penn State

Growing up I remember watching Ike Taylor and thinking, "man, I wish this guy were related to a previous Steeler legend". Well here's the chance to make that dream a reality. JPJ is long - arms + dick of over 40" - strong, and as evidenced by his holding every receiver he faced, down to get the friction on. The Steelers love physical corners who can maybe catch the ball if you throw it right to them.



33. DETROIT TRADES WITH ARIZONA

DETROIT LIONS - Andre Carter II, Edge, Army

The Lions continue to build Integrity Island by moving up a spot and securing the pass rush services of Andre Carter. It may seem like a reach but not if you understand that Carter easily lead the nation in grit last year. This man consumes nothing but kneecaps.



34. ARIZONA CARDINALS - DJ Turner, CB, Michigan

The Cardinals, shellshocked at the Lions fleecing them for Carter, settle for a short, speedy corner to replace the one they last over the offseason when Byron Murphy headed to the arctic. Turner is a blanket of a corner who runs a legit 4.26 and can stick to anybody. The pandemic hasn’t ended for receivers facing Turner, as they remain stuck in a forced lockdown.



35. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS – Will Levis, QB, Kentucky

Mayo Montana’s fall finally ends, as the Colts grab him to turn their quarterback room from a weakness to the weirdest situation in the entire league. Chris Ballard loves competition and the battle between Anthony Richardson and Levis is going to be epic. “You all said I was afraid to draft a quarterback high”, Ballard will probably whine to reporters. “Well why don’t you suck my dick because I just took two of them. Now what? I don’t even listen to the media”, he lies.



36. LOS ANGELES RAMS – Matthew Bergeron, OT, Syracuse

Bergeron seems like the perfect “reasonable reach” for the Rams. He plays with a mean streak, blocks well at the 2nd level, and speaks fluent Quebecois. He did get tossed around by Myles Murphy but provided he doesn’t face any top pass rushers in the NFL he should be fine.



37. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS – Payton Wilgar, LB, BYU

I don’t know who this is and this would be an absolutely nonsensical pick, so yeah the Seahawks will probably do it.



38. LAS VEGAS RAIDERS – Kelee Ringo, CB, Georgia

Ringo is a big, fast corner who seems like he’ll just kinda stick around in the NFL for 8 years being average.



39. CAROLINA PANTHERS – Michael Mayer, TE, Notre Dame

The Panthers end Mayer’s slightly surprising fall and make him their Greg Olsen replacement. Mayer is absolutely nothing like Olsen but they do look similar so I bet if this happens the analysts will absolutely make this comparison.



40. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – Darnell Washington, TE, Georgia

The run on tight ends has begun as New Orleans snags the absolute beast from Georgia. Forced into more of a blocking role at Georgia, Washington finally gets a chance to shine during those random games where Derek Carr decides to throw 20 passes to tight ends. Washington may be the tightest end in the entire draft.



41. DETROIT TRADES WITH TENNESSEE

DETROIT LIONS – Zack Kuntz, TE, Old Dominion

Dan Campbell continues his assault on immorality and moves up for the most athletic tight end by RAS in the history of the draft. Kuntz exploded for over 9 yards/catch at Old Dominion and gives Jared Goff another weapon to throw to when he’s told to do so. You might think this is an odd fit because Campbell implores his tight ends to be fierce blockers and Kuntz blocks like security at a Mexican resort, but I’m sure MCDC can coach him up.



42. GREEN BAY PACKERS – Jalin Hyatt, WR, Tennessee

It’s like Green Bay is a fentanyl addict and drafting receivers in the 2nd round is Narcan. Green Bay adds a Christian Watson-type to pair with uhhh Christian Watson and Matt LaFleur builds a Madden offense in a city where it starts snowing in October.



43. NEW YORK JETS – Dawand Jones, OT, Ohio State

Moving on from the Mehki Bector era, the Jets stuff their gaping hole (at tackle) with a Mehki Becton-type.



44. ATLANTA FALCONS – John Michael Schmitz, OC, Minnesota

I have to throw a few sensible picks in here and this would actually be one. This guy seems pretty damn good.



45. GREEN BAY PACKERS – Sam LaPorta, TE, Iowa

This would also make a ton of sense. LaPorta is the latest model pumped out by the Iowa Tight End Factory and I think he has first round talent.



46. DALLAS TRADES WITH NEW ENGLAND

DALLAS COWBOYS – Joe Tippman, IOL, Wisconsin

Dallas trades 12 future 6th round picks to move up and draft a guy that just looks like someone Dallas would draft. Dallas loves sloppy looking interior linemen from Wisconsin and this mullet is probably still fashionable in parts of the Metroplex.



47. WASHINGTON COMMANDERS – Drew Sanders, ILB, Arkansas

“It’s time to take command”, Ron Rivera awkwardly mumbles on the phone to Drew Sanders. “Are you ready to be a Redskin, I mean a Commodore, sorry, a Commander?”. Sanders is so fired up that he takes a quick nap.



48. TENNESSEE TITANS – Hendon Hooker, QB, Tennessee

Hooker’s somewhat surprising slide comes to an end as the Titans grab fast Brandon Weeden after a trade down. Assuming the NPCs that the Titans are using as receivers can get themselves wide open, Hooker should thrive. He wouldn’t be the first Hooker to thrive in Nashville, that’s for sure.



49. PITTSBURGH STEELERS – Cam Smith, CB, South Carolina

Trying to will this into existence as the Steelers need like 5 corners just to field a secondary.



50. LAS VEGAS TRADES WITH TAMPA

LAS VEGAS RAIDERS – Brian Branch, S, Alabama

Josh McDaniels trades away next year’s first rounder to move back into the 2nd and grab a true leader in the secondary. McD expects the 2024 pick to be in the 30s as Branch’s leadership carries the Raiders back to glory.




51. MIAMI DOLPHINS – Julius Brents, CB, Kansas State

Brents is a rare athlete for his size and he showed it while being absolutely and unequivocally owned by Quintin Johnston twice last season.



52. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS – Noah Ruggles, Kicker, Ohio State

Seattle knows that special teams are 1/3rd of the game and solidify their kicker room with this guy I’ve never heard of.




53. CHICAGO BEARS – Byron Young, Edge, Tennessee

The Bears grab their defensive version of Velus Jones. Byron Young is a tremendous athlete with an explosive burst that reminds scouts of Peter North.



54. LOS ANGELES CHARGERS – Isaiah Foskey, Edge, Notre Dame

Defensive coach Brandon Staley adds to his defense that allowed like 90 points per game last season as the Chargers charge ahead towards another disappointing season.




55. DETROIT LIONS – Riley Moss, CB, Iowa

The Lions add a gritty, hard-working cornerback who plays the game the right way. Athletically limited, he only put up an RAS of…..wait 9.91 wtf, he’s still gritty tho




56. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS – Adetomiwa Adebawore, IDL/Edge, Northwestern

The Jags need to get less shitty on defense and the best way to do so is to draft defenders. Here they take Adetomiwa Adebawore, a 285-pound chess piece with absurd explosiveness for his size. The downside is that he can only move two squares forward and one square sideways per turn.




57. NEW YORK GIANTS – Josh Downs, WR, UNC

The Giants only have about 6 mythical sprite slot receivers on their roster and they add another one here in Josh “First” Downs.



58. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS – Michael Turk, Punter, Oklahoma

Belichick trades down and snags 12 additional future conditional 6th round picks and still gets to draft the punter of his wettest dreams in Michael Turk. I don’t know how good Turk is at punting but his uncles are former NFL punter Matt Turk and former long snapper Dan Turk, so you know this guy eats, drinks, breathes and shits pure sashimi-grade special teams. Laugh all you want until your team is playing the Patriots and, clinging to a 21-point fourth quarter lead, gets pinned at their own 7 yard line.



59. BUFFALO BILLS – Jonathan Mingo, WR, Ole Miss

Jonny Mingo is big and fast and reminds me of Eric Moulds but without any of the WR skills that made Eric Moulds special.



60. CINCINNATI BENGALS – Tyrique Stevenson, CB, Miami

The Bengals lead the NFL in “taking Mel Kiper’s Best Available player”.



61. CHICAGO FAILS TO MAKE THEIR PICK IN THE ALLOTTED TIME

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES – BJ Ojulari, Edge, LSU

It is absolute bedlam here in Kansas City as the Bears fail to get their pick in and Philadelphia jumps out of their seats to hand in this card. BJ Ojulari gives the Eagles another SEC guy that people have heard of and therefore is the best pick in the draft.



62. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS – Marvin Mims Jr., WR, Oklahoma

Kansas City hands the card to Isaiah Pacheco and has him sprint it up to the podium as the shellshocked Bears scramble to gather themselves and make a selection. Mims heads to KC on a mission to fill the size 5 shoes left by Mecole Hardman.



63. CHICAGO BEARS – Mac Hippenhammer, WR, Miami (OH)

The Bears finally get their shit together and get their pick to the podium. Mac Hippenhammer was third in the MAC in receiving TDs and gives the Bears a wide receiver whoooo uhh lines out wide and catches passes. His ability to line up and run a route should play well in Chicago. A native of Fort Wayne, Indiana, Hippenhammer grew up a mere 3 hour drive from Chicago, making this truly the return of the Mac.

[Gunpowder]

Also a question for the draftheads. After the NOT collusion about Jackson, all these teams that said they were "happy" with their QB situation almost couldn't draft Levis. Like, Atlanta has to keep pretending they like Ridder instead of taking Levis. So is it possible that contributed to Levis's slide (which again, I don't really have much of a problem with)?

They definitely wouldn't give enough of a shit to go to that length to hide it. And I mean, Anthony Richardson went 4th.

[rass]

58. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS – Michael Turk, Punter, Oklahoma

Belichick trades down and snags 12 additional future conditional 6th round picks and still gets to draft the punter of his wettest dreams in Michael Turk. I don’t know how good Turk is at punting but his uncles are former NFL punter Matt Turk and former long snapper Dan Turk, so you know this guy eats, drinks, breathes and shits pure sashimi-grade special teams. Laugh all you want until your team is playing the Patriots and, clinging to a 21-point fourth quarter lead, gets pinned at their own 7 yard line.

I like the idea here, but when the reigning Ray Guy winner is from Rutgers I think you might have taken the wrong punter.

[DSafetyGuy]

32. PITTSBURGH STEELERS ...
Yeah I know this is the 2nd round but it’s my world and I do what I want. The Bears actually traded this pick for Chase Claypool my goodness

My brain always circles back to how they made this trade with a 3-5 record like they didn't think it was going to be a top-40 pick. Fields had been sacked 31 times at that point and they had traded away Roquan Smith the day before (and Robert Quinn the prior week).

[Gunpowder]

58. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS – Michael Turk, Punter, Oklahoma

Belichick trades down and snags 12 additional future conditional 6th round picks and still gets to draft the punter of his wettest dreams in Michael Turk. I don’t know how good Turk is at punting but his uncles are former NFL punter Matt Turk and former long snapper Dan Turk, so you know this guy eats, drinks, breathes and shits pure sashimi-grade special teams. Laugh all you want until your team is playing the Patriots and, clinging to a 21-point fourth quarter lead, gets pinned at their own 7 yard line.

I like the idea here, but when the reigning Ray Guy winner is from Rutgers I think you might have taken the wrong punter.

Has he gang-raped anybody?

[Gunpowder]

32. PITTSBURGH STEELERS ...
Yeah I know this is the 2nd round but it’s my world and I do what I want. The Bears actually traded this pick for Chase Claypool my goodness

My brain always circles back to how they made this trade with a 3-5 record like they didn't think it was going to be a top-40 pick. Fields had been sacked 31 times at that point and they had traded away Roquan Smith the day before (and Robert Quinn the prior week).

Fair, I just don't think Claypool is worth a pick at any point in the 2nd round.

[mister d]

BJ Ojulari gives the Eagles another SEC guy that people have heard of and therefore is the best pick in the draft.

Feels like someone was spying on my college group chat.

[Gunpowder]

BJ Ojulari gives the Eagles another SEC guy that people have heard of and therefore is the best pick in the draft.

Feels like someone was spying on my college group chat.

These guys are all self-proclaimed "draftniks" (draft guys, not Eagles fans specifically) and every year they watch 50+% of these guys be complete busts, and then it's like they completely forget it when the next draft season starts.

I'll joke about the Lions but really, until they actually play there's a chance Gibbs and Campbell are both Hall of Famers.

[mister d]

I get that there are examples like Sapp and the weed gas mask guy, but I have to assume that way more often than not when a name falls through atleast 3-4 teams that logically should take them, there's a valid reason.

[DSafetyGuy]

32. PITTSBURGH STEELERS ...
Yeah I know this is the 2nd round but it’s my world and I do what I want. The Bears actually traded this pick for Chase Claypool my goodness

My brain always circles back to how they made this trade with a 3-5 record like they didn't think it was going to be a top-40 pick. Fields had been sacked 31 times at that point and they had traded away Roquan Smith the day before (and Robert Quinn the prior week).

Fair, I just don't think Claypool is worth a pick at any point in the 2nd round.

I understood at the time what the CHI front office was trying to do (get Fields help at WR for the future while headed toward an offseason with a weak WR free agent class) while allegedly having to outbid Green Bay, who reportedly also offered a second-rounder. But, they had to know it was going to be a high second-rounder they were giving up.

Just dumb.

[Gunpowder]

Reddit took my second round mock down because I guess people really hated their team's picks and assume a mock draft actually matters?

[Johnnie]

Rules:

[mister d]

First time Levis dropping down isn't a good thing!!!!!!!

[Rex]

[Gunpowder]

LOLZ JAHJAJAJAJAJJAAJJAJAJA

[Rex]

Maybe that's why Reddit pulled the mock?