My Dad

[Nonlinear FC]

Fuck it, this gets its own thread.

Dad passed away this morning after a short, tough battle with cancer. We had a highly fraught relationship over the years. For reasons never fully explained to me, when I was around 12 he cut off communication. I think it had to do with not liking the custody arrangement?

We reconciled when I was 25, but in a typically passive aggressive kind of way. My grandmother was sick and I hadn't seen that side of the family in many years, so I took my fiance to Highland Park to visit. While there, my dad phoned in and asked to talk to me. (This was all very ham-handed and obviously prearranged.) He asked if I would be willing to come visit him (and his lovely wife) up in Madison. A little shell shocked, I said "sure."

So, he tells me he's a recovering alcoholic and that he'd like to try and reconnect and, you know, I never asked for this whole thing to go down like it did in the first place, so... Sure. I'm never going to really get over him missing a good chunk of my childhood adolescence, but I'm down with trying to work on things. I'm getting married in the not so distant future and it would be lovely to have him and that part of my life/family there.

FFWD to about 10 years later. We see each other occasionally and things are pleasant, but it's hard, you know? How do you make up all that time. He is really jamming me to take a family visit down to his place in North Carolina, but the timing is awful (May - so many sportsball happenings, where I'm the head coach of one team and assistant to another... just a bad bad time.) He goes radio silent... Again.

I'm not chasing after that shit... again. So, we kind of go our separate ways.

But... It really started to bug me about 2 years ago. I'm thinking of reaching out and I ping one of my cousins to get a temperature check. She ghosts me, which is weird. This was in January, and she finally responds in March... With a Holy Shit, how did I miss this! And she says I need to reach out to him ASAP. Well.. fuck. While I'm mulling that over, how to proceed, in the mail comes a postcard sized letter from his wife. He's got Stage 4 cancer, going to try chemo. I text her immediately and she takes days to respond. I want to come see him, but they want to have the chemo get to working and she'll be back in touch.

Weeks later, I get the message that the chemo isn't working. I text him and we start to reconnect a bit. This was all in March/April, he was battling since January, which weirdly/cosmically is right when I first reached out to my cousin .

2 weeks ago, I was on the road down there to see him. (Not that I expect you guys to track my life, but I've been back and forth from Denver 3 times either in flight or car since the end of April.) He's on oxygen, he's laid up in a hospital bed in his living room, and he's not able to use his left arm. He's in pain and on a lot of meds. But he's pretty lucid and he's incredibly happy to see me. I'm happy to see him. We have Chinese food. We catch up. We watch the Canes and the Panthers. I hit the road, but before I leave we have "a moment" and he asks me if I can come back down to him when I'm back from CO. "Sure, dad, of course."

Got back from Denver on Monday and I call, hoping to come down and see him again. Sadly, he's back in hospice, drugged out of gourd, hanging on. They took him off of oxygen and he passed a day later.

I have a lot of shit to mull over. But the main reason I wanted to post all of this: Don't waste time on petty bullshit in your life. I don't have this huge ball of regret and guilt... but it's there, it's definitely there. Such a huge waste and loss of time. Even if you feel like "it's not my fault" just say fuck it and fix things.

Fix shit with your family and/or friends that you value.

[sancarlos]

Great post, NLFC. I’m sorry for your loss. For a lot of us, our relationships with fathers can be complicated.

[A_B]

Sorry for your loss, friend. Can't be easy considering the efforts being made to reconnect.

[Giff]

Man, so sorry for your loss and all that you're going through emotionally about this. I can't imagine how tough that has to be. And I can't echo your last words enough. It's something I had started to latch onto before my Dad died and I think it had to do with COVID. After his passing, it just cemented that. In the years since, I've had issues with my sister that previously would've lingered for years, but we've just let it go and our relationship has never been better.

Will be thinking of you, buddy.

[DaveInSeattle]

Sorry for your loss. And sorry that the relationship was so fraught.

[Steve of phpBB]

I'm so sorry, NLFC.

I'm glad you made contact with him at the end. My dad cut off contact with everyone when I was 26. While my sister reconciled with him and re-established regular contact, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I never talked to him again, and he died last year.

In all honesty, I'm not sure if I regret not making contact again - but I am sorry for my kids, because he did end up being a really good grandfather.

[Johnny Carwash]

Condolences Nonlinear and RIP to him.

Your last two paragraphs are good thoughts.

[Reaper]

Had some similar issues, though also vastly different, with my mother. Never talked through any of them really and then poof, cop shows up at my door to tell me she's gone. Issues never resolved and that's just how it is. I feel for you NLFC and I hope you find peace that there were at least some good moments and attempts at reconciliation in your adult life.

[EnochRoot]

I’m sorry for your loss NLFC.

The only family you get to pick is who you marry. Comparably, I’ve been pretty lucky, although my brother is a 52 year old suspended adolescent who goes months to years without even a phone call. I chose to skip calling him on his birthday earlier this week, which as you put it, was rather petty of me.

[Rush2112]

Sorry for your loss. Reminds me of a lot of the shit my siblings and I went through with our dad before he passed. Hopefully you don't have to deal with a bat-shit crazy step-mother in the aftermath.

My thoughts are with you and yours.

[Pruitt IV]

I'm sorry to hear about your father.

And what you wrote is spot on.

[govmentchedda]

I'm sorry for your losses NL. I often think about how inescapable parents fucking up their kids is. The "fucking up" comment is a descriptor of my relationships with both my parents and my children, and not any judgment on you or your dad. Thanks for sharing.

[Nonlinear FC]

Thanks fellas. Still processing, obviously.

And, Rush, thankfully she is an absolute gem and the farthest from bat-shit crazy you could find. My sliver of... not animosity... something else slightly negative is that she kind of enabled or allowed him to cut things off so thoroughly and abruptly.

But.. She has sent Christmas and Birthday cards to my family the entire time (dating back to when I was 12 and received a box with a bunch of cool shit without a return address for bday and xmas. She did that all the way through my college years. I mean, we all knew it was her, but she didn't want to piss off my mom.)

We spoke this morning and I can tell how much it meant to her (and him) that I made the effort to step away from the bullshit and visit. That I've been texting and calling with nothing but love.

(I would also say, in response to those who had a toxic parent/relationship... I'm not saying you should reinsert crazy into your life. That's just not what I was dealing with. He was a bit of a narcisist and we are both stubborn as fuck Irish Protestants. But not toxic.)

[rass]

Sorry NLFC.

[mister d]

Sorry to read that, NLFC.

[wlu_lax6]

Condolences...F' Cancer....and Amen to the bolded point

[degenerasian]

Sorry and condolences. I've been fortunate to be really close to my dad, I'm his only child. A little too close sometimes that it's a bunch of annoying shit. I'm his technology help support for everything!

[cerranoredux]

Sorry NLFC. Terrible news. My condolences to you and your family.

[L-Jam3]

Aw man. You got my deepest condolences. Hearing that you were at least able to reconnect, even later, seems like it ultimately made things a little easier.

[phxgators]

Really sorry to hear this. I realized, when my dad passed, how much he was the glue in our family. Glad you were able to reconnect and spend that time with him.

[Rex]

Sorry for your loss. I think over time, you will be very thankful that you were able to make some peace in the end.

[The Sybian]

Powerful stuff, NL. And great advice. Glad you at least got to reconnect, even if it wasn't to the degree you would have liked. Nice to know he wanted to reconnect as well.

[HaulCitgo]

sorry to hear that. be easy on yourself

[GoodKarma]

I'm sorry for the loss of your father and glad you wrote what you did...your perspective is important advice.

[Nonlinear FC]

I'm sorry for the loss of your father and glad you wrote what you did...your perspective is important advice.

Thanks buddy.

[Nonlinear FC]

Just... Thanks guys. My wife read this thread and her comment was:

"This place is your therapy and safe place."

And, yeah.

TWILTS.

[The Sybian]

Just... Thanks guys. My wife read this thread and her comment was:

"This place is your therapy and safe place."

And, yeah.

TWILTS.

Absolutely. I’m trying to figure out why I don’t talk to my lifelong friends the way I share here. My group text with my HS friends has been pretty active, and I never mentioned my father’s cancer. Every guy in that group knows my dad very well. One guy still lives in town and my parents go out to dinner with his parents every week, so I know he knows. Neither of us discussed. Hell, another guy in that group recently discussed his father having a terminal illness and dying. Asked us all to share memories he could bring to his father.

Haven’t mentioned to any of my friends. Just my boss, because I took time off to drive them home and for the surgery. I don’t really discuss deeper personal stuff with anyone except for here. It’s strange. Maybe the partial anonymity, but I’ve met a lot of you in person.

[Shirley]

I'm sorry for your loss NLFC, but this thread is otherwise good stuff. Not fun, but good.

My relationship with my parents has been strained for a long time. I'm the youngest of 3 and the only boy and I always got along with them growing up. My sisters not so much. There was always, and I guess has always, been some drama between at least one sister and them. Somewhere along the line, they pissed my wife off one too many times as well, so she just wrote them off. She'll talk with them a bit if they're right there, but no hugs, no initiation, never. It's made things tough.

All we can hope for is that we learn from our parents' mistakes and do better with our kids.

[Johnnie]

I'm sorry to hear that, NLFC. Losing a parent sucks. Your post is excellent.

My dad died back in 2004 after so many setbacks with diabetes and its complications. I feel like he could've lived longer, but just didn't care to take care of himself. It's going to sting that he's no longer around for a bit. But you'll have the good memories to carry you forward.

[The Sybian]

Up thread I mentioned my friend whose father died… just got a text that his mother died. Life fucking sucks sometimes.

[sancarlos]

Up thread I mentioned my friend whose father died… just got a text that his mother died. Life fucking sucks sometimes.

Damn. Sorry, bud.

[Steve of phpBB]

Man. Rough times, Syb. I’m sorry.

[TankFarm2023]

Please accept my deepest condolences, NLFC



Funny thing about aging- I can say that I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have been, and no longer at war with my foibles. Or, okay, rarely at war with myself. But I've become keenly aware that I'm now in line for an obit, and sooner than I realize, people will reckon with my passing as I'm doing more frequently these days with friends and family members.




Here's a toast to your father, and all those we grieve/mourn/etc!

[EnochRoot]

Please accept my deepest condolences, NLFC



Funny thing about aging- I can say that I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have been, and no longer at war with my foibles. Or, okay, rarely at war with myself. But I've become keenly aware that I'm now in line for an obit, and sooner than I realize, people will reckon with my passing as I'm doing more frequently these days with friends and family members.




Here's a toast to your father, and all those we grieve/mourn/etc!

Hear hear!

[P.D.X.]

Shit man. Thanks for sharing.

[Pruitt IV]

My father is nearing the end, and last week was the first time that the two of us had been together without one of my siblings in maybe 5 years.

I am very glad I visited him.

[MaxWebster]

oy. NLFC i'm truly sorry to hear this.


I'm not sure quite how to word this but I not only appreciated your post but in a way really loved reading this - I like making those small connections with you swampers; real life is fking hard and weird and goddammit too short.

Sincerely - thank you.

[Nonlinear FC]

Thanks again guys.

One final note from me: My wife read this, as I mentioned, and beyond the therapy thing...

She thinks I'm taking on too much of the blame for things, at least in the way I wrote this up. She's not exactly wrong... He was the parent and really, if I didn't make it clear, he's the one that cut off communication both times. (Going our separate ways is a bit watered down, looking at it with fresh eyes.)

I think the overall point I wanted to make, and I stressed it with her (she's a mama bear, and I'm included in that fold), is that there comes a point where that stuff just falls off a cliff. It doesn't matter. As many of you have said and know all too well from your life experiences, life is way too fucking short.

Unfortunately for me, that cliff moment happened a couple of years too late. But, man, I would be so fucked up right now if I hadn't made the effort.

But the words of support in here help. I know you guys know that, but wanted to just say it plainly.

[Pruitt IV]

You did the right thing.

[bfj]

Just reading this and wanted to add my condolences. Sorry for your loss, but I’m glad you made the effort and things went well, although way too short.