Rants 2?

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Thu Aug 10, 2023 6:12 am

Johnnie wrote: ↑Wed Aug 09, 2023 10:36 pm

It's so annoying that there's little things like this that I never gave piece of mind to that are suddenly important.

That is a perfect commentary on marriage. And the piece you missed, you should have known that she was expecting you to put away the towels, and thinking she shouldn’t have to tell you. My wife finally came to the realization that it’s not fair for her to expect me to read her mind. She laughed it off, and I was thinking that could have avoided 90% of the arguments we’ve had.

MaxWebster · Post by **MaxWebster** » Thu Aug 10, 2023 6:14 am

I nod my head reading this because i would say it took a good 3-4 years* of marriage before all (not all) of those little things really settled in (meaning...we got better at communicating them and also understanding that on some level we'll probably never stop being annoyed w/ little things we each do. There's a weird form of acceptance.

It really was those little things that drove me - and i know my wife - absolutely nuts about the other person. Like... who gives a fk that this knife went in that holder? or why is it even noticed let alone an issue where the shoes are kept. Stupid shit like that right? It makes me laugh to even type these out but those are real examples

Big stuff is in a different bucket altogether - relationship or behavioural issues, those will get rectified - or not

Actual full 50/50 sharing of everything at every moment in your apartment/house is really difficult and it is the little everyday shit that can be the straw that breaks you some days and has been. We mostly laugh about it now with 2 college aged kids like "...ok i left my shoes here and i am sorry but when was the last year either kid replaced a toilet paper roll"

also my wife is a post-it note (checklist) lunatic and they're everywhere at all times so <internet high-five>

*shockingly the timeline until we had kids. then it was just tired chaos.

DSafetyGuy · Post by **DSafetyGuy** » Thu Aug 10, 2023 8:09 am

MaxWebster wrote: ↑Thu Aug 10, 2023 6:14 amLike... who gives a fk that this knife went in that holder?

I do, because I want the knives to get cleaned as well as possible and I want the dishwasher to be emptied as easily as possible, as the person who empties the dishwasher at least 95% of the time. I do the bulk of the household responsibilities, just give me a little help.

mister d · Post by **mister d** » Thu Aug 10, 2023 8:32 am

And put the knife back where its supposed to go so if I'm cooking and want to grab the fileting knife I don't grab the fucking serrated knife and now we have to wash that one too because I got the handle dirty JFC we've had this block for 18 years how can you not have learned by accident which slot holds which knife there are only seven of them total.

GoodKarma · Post by **GoodKarma** » Thu Aug 10, 2023 8:40 am

Johnnie wrote: ↑Wed Aug 09, 2023 10:36 pm Her: "I feel that since you don't really wash any of the towels when you do laundry, I have no problem washing them. But I feel it's a shared responsibility, so I want you to put them away."

I think this is a bit petty and might warrant a larger conversation about how she feels household duties are or should be shared. This tells me that she's keeping score which, in the long term IMO, isn't a good thing. My wife and I have been married for 25 years and I'm guessing everyone goes through some sort version of scorekeeping but we've been pretty happy by not worrying about things are split evenly or in a certain fashion. If it needs to be done then just do it. I do a significantly larger percentage of things for the household...my wife realized that and started to insist on taking out the trash. I didn't need or even want her to do that but if she insists that's fine...it saves me 2-5 minutes a week I guess.

Funny (to me) story: as part of the church we got married in we had to do a few pre-marital counseling sessions with the pastor (who later got divorced - also funny) and one of the things we reviewed was some questionnaire about how household chores would be split. I grew up with just my Mom and older sister so I was used to women doing most of the chores - even the typically male stuff so I said chores split 50/50 meaning sometimes I mow the lawn and sometimes she does, etc. I was laughed out of the room by both my wife and the pastor. Fast forward literally 18 years later I was out of town all week for work. I get home on Friday around 3pm and my wife immediately hits me with a whiny "can you help me clean?" which meant she just didn't feel like it. I immediately hit her with "remember the splitting chores thing from our pre-marital counseling?" I knew she was home all week alone and did nothing other than read, watch TV etc. (we don't have kids) and hang with our 2 senior dogs who didn't require much care. I would have been fine to help the next day but to hit me with that when I walk in the door I thought was pretty ballsy.

MaxWebster · Post by **MaxWebster** » Thu Aug 10, 2023 9:09 am

see this is why i'm not married to you guys, jeez.

misterd wrote:put the knife back <screeching>[/misterd]
DSafetyGuy wrote: ↑Thu Aug 10, 2023 8:09 am
MaxWebster wrote: ↑Thu Aug 10, 2023 6:14 amLike... who gives a fk that this knife went in that holder?
I do, because I want the knives to get cleaned as well as possible and I want the dishwasher to be emptied as easily as possible, as the person who empties the dishwasher at least 95% of the time. I do the bulk of the household responsibilities, just give me a little help.

MaxWebster · Post by **MaxWebster** » Thu Aug 10, 2023 9:10 am

(you know i'm obviously jk i would totally marry each or both of you)

((but to clarify - the "little thing" was that the matching *dinner (dull/spreading/whatdoyoucallthem) knives* were being placed in the wrong slot in the silverware drawer. this led to some things. we're over it now))

(((mostly)))

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Thu Aug 10, 2023 9:19 am

To echo GK, get ahead of the scorekeeping. It only breeds resentment if one or the other feels like they are doing more. Come to an understanding, knowing that there will be weeks where you slack off for whatever reason and weeks where she does. You both tow the same line in a relationship, sometimes you just have to brace it against your back a little more.

bfj · Post by **bfj** » Thu Aug 10, 2023 9:28 am

For me, not a battle worth fighting. Got it, I'll put away the towels.
But make sure to only put away the dishes you use when you empty the dishwasher.

Disclaimer: This is not meant to be taken seriously. BFJ, Inc. takes no responsibility for marriages outside of his own.

Johnnie · Post by **Johnnie** » Thu Aug 10, 2023 9:39 am

The Sybian wrote: ↑Thu Aug 10, 2023 6:12 amThat is a perfect commentary on marriage. And the piece you missed, you should have known that she was expecting you to put away the towels, and thinking she shouldn’t have to tell you. My wife finally came to the realization that it’s not fair for her to expect me to read her mind. She laughed it off, and I was thinking that could have avoided 90% of the arguments we’ve had.

I think in marriage counseling (or maybe in arguments) early on I flat out said "I cannot read your mind. When you get mad at me in real life it seems like you already told me to do something in your head...and you expect me to, what, divine that information? Tell me what I need to do out loud. I don't know what I don't know."

Hence the checklist stuff. We also have a shared calendar so whenever anything is planned it's immediately on there too.

GoodKarma wrote: ↑Thu Aug 10, 2023 8:40 amI think this is a bit petty and might warrant a larger conversation about how she feels household duties are or should be shared.

It probably does. I know we've talked passionately (read: bickered) about how often cleaning should happen. I'm the type where I see a certain level of gunk in an area and then clean. She feels, because she was raised this way, that you need to deep clean -- without any consideration given to current cleaning level -- bathrooms and kitchens once a month. That's probably a good practice, honestly.

But 1) I don't agree and 2) we've already established that my level of clean is a far lower threshold. So I'll never reach your approved level of "deep clean" anyway. I feel like I'm being set up.

Reminds me too much of the military, honestly.

"Hey, I need you to do this thing." ... "Yes, sir. On it."

"Hey sir, finished the thing." ... "No, you're supposed to do it this way." ... "Well, you told me to get it done, and so it is." ... "Sure, but the way you did it was wrong." ... ::blank stare, anxiety engaged for next time I have to do something::

And then the cleaning discussion is also hilarious when you see what the kitchen looks like after she's done cooking. She's absolutely not a "clean as you go" type. I just find it all amusing at this point.

Johnnie · Post by **Johnnie** » Thu Aug 10, 2023 9:58 am

A_B wrote: ↑Thu Aug 10, 2023 9:19 am To echo GK, get ahead of the scorekeeping.

For sure. I can definitely see where something like that takes a relationship.

bfj wrote: ↑Thu Aug 10, 2023 9:28 am For me, not a battle worth fighting. Got it, I'll put away the towels.
But make sure to only put away the dishes you use when you empty the dishwasher.

Disclaimer: This is not meant to be taken seriously. BFJ, Inc. takes no responsibility for marriages outside of his own.

As the guy that takes the dishes out and has to rearrange the dishes already in there, I get this.

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Thu Aug 10, 2023 10:43 am

I’m a little bit ocd and I like to fifo the dishes and silverware. My wife doesn’t care or even notice, so we both agreed that putting the cleaned ones away is always my job.

mister d · Post by **mister d** » Thu Aug 10, 2023 10:52 am

Oh hell yeah. I do this with my underwear too. For real.

Nonlinear FC · Post by **Nonlinear FC** » Thu Aug 10, 2023 11:31 am

So, Johnnie... That "reading her mind" thing can also be flipped around: Why do I need to tell you to do this stuff, it should be obvious to you. I'm not saying you are in the wrong, but that idea of you being proactive and getting in front of her having to "nag" you is a real emotion for her. Again, not siding with her, I'm just saying I dealt with that a LOT early in my relationship

I've had decades of practice (training

) and I am now pretty proactive about doing things without being told to do so. It's just understood that we need to spend some amount of time on the weekend doing a general cleaning. We get up on Saturday, have a nice breakfast, and we just chat about the day. And that includes whatever chores we're gonna tackle. Usually Sat is for outside stuff and Sunday is for indoor stuff (bathrooms, vacuuming, etc.) Or I'll have a bigger to do, like repair something, and it's understood that's my time spent on chores.

But we always mix into that conversation the fun stuff we've got on top, or we brainstorm about it... Might be as simple as looking forward to our steak dinner and movie on Netflix. It just balances things out and makes the chore stuff less of a bummer. (Though, truthfully, I don't really mind the chores.. time to listen to podcast and kind of turn off my brain for a couple hours.)

P.D.X. · Post by **P.D.X.** » Fri Aug 11, 2023 9:25 am

There's endless fuckery to be performed if one can quit a task right in the middle in the name of "sharing".

Post by **Shirley** » Fri Aug 11, 2023 12:04 pm

One of the great uses of money to relieve marital and home stress is hire a housecleaner to come every couple of weeks. It's money very well spent.

Speaking of wives and communicating, mine has always had some sort of aversion to directly asking me (or the kids) to do some mundane thing (put this away, clean this, etc.). Instead, she complains indirectly about it not getting done. And well, I know she isn't complaining about herself, so I know she's talking about me (or less often, the kids). In the end, it's really the same message - put that thing away - but I find the passive-aggressive way of asking super annoying. But ... I live with it instead of picking a fight. Usually.

L-Jam3 · Post by **L-Jam3** » Fri Aug 11, 2023 12:43 pm

I'm not trying to give advice, because I understand every situation is different. But I think passive-aggressive behavior, especially in a marriage, is particularly toxic.

I think little arguments where people bitch about things, assuming that both sides are confident to move past them, are beneficial as they at least get things out in the open and releases some steam. Clear out the bad blood, as Clemenza would say. Silence and resentment is in my eyes much worse. If something is off, just say so. If they love you they'll understand, if they don't then that's a deeper issue that it's more important to deal with.

The corollary here is to know which hills are worth dying on. If leaving the dish towels out for you to put away, for example, is that hill for her but not for you, biting the bullet seems to be the way to go.

DSafetyGuy · Post by **DSafetyGuy** » Fri Aug 11, 2023 1:23 pm

Shirley wrote: ↑Fri Aug 11, 2023 12:04 pmOne of the great uses of money to relieve marital and home stress is hire a housecleaner to come every couple of weeks. It's money very well spent.

Especially when it takes the overwhelming majority of the housework off the plate of your partner (everything else) while not affecting your workload (dishes and laundry).

phxgators · Post by **phxgators** » Fri Aug 11, 2023 2:44 pm

Shirley wrote: ↑Fri Aug 11, 2023 12:04 pm One of the great uses of money to relieve marital and home stress is hire a housecleaner to come every couple of weeks. It's money very well spent.

100%. It frees up so much time too. And it prevents that we'll-get-to-it-next-weekend approach from spiraling out of control.

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Fri Aug 11, 2023 2:50 pm

We have a lady come for 5 hours, once every other week. Works her ass off and does the stuff we really don’t want to do. Worth the money.

GoodKarma · Post by **GoodKarma** » Fri Aug 11, 2023 3:01 pm

Same here (although ours is here for 2-2.5 hours)…what the cleaning lady is able to do on the stove and master bathroom is worth the price alone. Even though we have more than enough time/capacity to clean its money well spent. There has been a definite improvement in our relationship which I never realized until just now.

Post by **brian** » Sun Aug 13, 2023 7:30 pm

Not a rant per se but not worthy of a new thread and this seems as good as any but your boy just went to the eye doc for the first time in 35 years and will now be wearing bifocals.

Post by **brian** » Sun Aug 13, 2023 7:31 pm

Pouring one out for Ben Franklin tonight.

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Sun Aug 13, 2023 8:05 pm

brian wrote: ↑Sun Aug 13, 2023 7:31 pm Pouring one out for Ben Franklin tonight.

That’s why you shouldn’t go to the doctor

Post by **brian** » Sun Aug 13, 2023 8:31 pm

The Sybian wrote: ↑Sun Aug 13, 2023 8:05 pm
brian wrote: ↑Sun Aug 13, 2023 7:31 pm Pouring one out for Ben Franklin tonight.
That’s why you shouldn’t go to the doctor

I know you’re joking but I was well aware my eyes were fucked before the doctor. Honestly kinda lucky it’s just normal aging stuff.

degenerasian · Post by **degenerasian** » Mon Aug 14, 2023 11:52 am

How are you guys with birthdays? Last night one of my coworkers had a 40th birthday party as a bar. I popped in briefly for a bite to eat and a couple of shots before leaving, can't go out too long now with the babies at home.

This morning, I find out he's in hospital. I don't know some of his friends, but another co-worker says he was completely done by the end of the night after something like 22-26 shots in 2-3 hours. Must have passed out.

I caught the beginning of this and I'm not even going to go into the concept of sending shots to someone and not partaking yourself, because I grew up being told that's a party faux-pas. Are people actually celebrating birthdays? Or is it just a free for all for covertly mocking the person celebrating a birthday? And does the receiver feel pressure to have to take every shot? I think after a certain age (about 20) birthday celebrations are just ridiculous.

mister d · Post by **mister d** » Mon Aug 14, 2023 12:20 pm

I can't speak for everywhere, but in the US northeast doing 25 shots to celebrate your 40th birthday is definitely not a thing.

Ryan · Post by **Ryan** » Mon Aug 14, 2023 12:55 pm

yeah, that would put pickleball immediate care visits to shame

bfj · Post by **bfj** » Mon Aug 14, 2023 1:17 pm

I don't think I've done 26 shots combined in the last 5 years.

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Mon Aug 14, 2023 1:21 pm

bfj wrote: ↑Mon Aug 14, 2023 1:17 pm I don't think I've done 26 shots combined in the last 5 years.

Not even close for me. I think after 21, birthday shot-fests came to an end.

Post by **brian** » Mon Aug 14, 2023 1:33 pm

bfj wrote: ↑Mon Aug 14, 2023 1:17 pm I don't think I've done 26 shots combined in the last 5 years.

Same. And honestly if not being friends with Rams Fanny it would be even less.

Johnnie · Post by **Johnnie** » Mon Aug 14, 2023 2:08 pm

My 40th is next month and by coincidence a friend planned his wedding on that day, so since a party is already happening, I'll be going to that.

I did ask about holding a birthday cake with a hat and "wandering" into a wedding photo of his and he thought it would be funny.

Also, I'll maybe have a cocktail or 2. I don't really drink much anymore (completely lost any positive taste for beer - it's all very, very gross to me now) so 25 shots is not happening.

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Mon Aug 14, 2023 2:11 pm

Johnnie wrote: ↑Mon Aug 14, 2023 2:08 pm My 40th is next month and by coincidence a friend planned his wedding on that day, so since a party is already happening, I'll be going to that.

I did ask about holding a birthday cake with a hat and "wandering" into a wedding photo of his and he thought it would be funny.

Also, I'll maybe have a cocktail or 2. I don't really drink much anymore (completely lost any positive taste for beer - it's all very, very gross to me now) so 25 shots is not happening.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do this. Do not consult the bride, you have the groom's ok!

mister d · Post by **mister d** » Mon Aug 14, 2023 2:24 pm

If you were born in the evening maybe they can set it up where it goes mother + groom dance -> Johnnie's last dance as a 39 year old -> father + bride dance -> Johnnie's first dance as a 40 year old -> bridge and groom's first dance together or something like that.

degenerasian · Post by **degenerasian** » Mon Aug 14, 2023 2:44 pm

mister d wrote: ↑Mon Aug 14, 2023 2:24 pm If you were born in the evening maybe they can set it up where it goes mother + groom dance -> Johnnie's last dance as a 39 year old -> father + bride dance -> Johnnie's first dance as a 40 year old -> bridge and groom's first dance together or something like that.

Who does Johnny dance with?

Nonlinear FC · Post by **Nonlinear FC** » Mon Aug 14, 2023 3:20 pm

I've been to a few tailgates where shots are still a thing, but... Not really my deal anymore.

As for B day celebrations... My hood celebrates them, especially the women. Men get that treatment mostly for milestones.

Johnnie · Post by **Johnnie** » Mon Aug 14, 2023 3:21 pm

A_B wrote: ↑Mon Aug 14, 2023 2:11 pmPLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do this. Do not consult the bride, you have the groom's ok!

I can tell you're being facetious, but I'm pretty awesome at weddings.

: PSX_20230814_132009.jpg (54.74 KiB) Viewed 220 times

Edit:

And just for context, it's not THE wedding photo, but a wedding photo of the thousands of wedding photos taken that night.

Maybe like one during the reception where we're just hanging around or whatever and all the pomp and circumstance is over.

bfj · Post by **bfj** » Mon Aug 14, 2023 3:52 pm

When they wheel out the wedding cake just walk over, put candles in it, and wait for everyone to start singing.

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Mon Aug 14, 2023 4:05 pm

Nonlinear FC wrote: ↑Mon Aug 14, 2023 3:20 pm As for B day celebrations... My hood celebrates them, especially the women. Men get that treatment mostly for milestones.

My wife’s friends group of women all go out to dinner for each other’s birthdays. A couple of drinks, but nothing much. Guys birthdays are rarely any big deal - certainly not rounds of shots.

Johnnie · Post by **Johnnie** » Mon Aug 14, 2023 4:14 pm

bfj wrote: ↑Mon Aug 14, 2023 3:52 pm When they wheel out the wedding cake just walk over, put candles in it, and wait for everyone to start singing.

I said to my wife "Wouldn't it be funny if they had everyone sing happy birthday to me randomly?"

And she, not sensing that I was joking at all, said "It's their wedding why would they even do that?"

I just shook my head and felt like putting the towels away.