Temporary (Still?) Onion Thread

Steve of phpBB · Post by **Steve of phpBB** » Thu Mar 14, 2013 5:27 pm

Company Immediately Calls Job Applicant Upon Seeing 'B.A. In Communications' On Résumé

Johnny Hotcakes · Post by **Johnny Hotcakes** » Fri Mar 15, 2013 1:14 pm

A buddy of mine parlayed his BA in Communications into a career as a pilot. Rest assured, he is the best damn communicator Arik Air passengers have ever seen.

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Fri Mar 15, 2013 4:39 pm

Surely.

Scottie · Post by **Scottie** » Fri Mar 15, 2013 5:49 pm

It's pretty much universal except instead of Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta, it is Asante, Bongo, Cambaybolongo, Dengue.

howard · Post by **howard** » Wed Mar 20, 2013 4:50 pm

Obama Sarcastically Asks How Israel Afforded Such A Great Missile Defense System

JERUSALEM—While touring Israel’s “Iron Dome” all-weather missile defense system Wednesday, President Barack Obama sarcastically asked Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu where he got all the money to build such technologically advanced equipment.

“Boy, you’ve gotta have some pretty deep pockets to afford something like this—how much did you say this ran you guys?” asked Obama, who later added that the cutting-edge system designed to intercept both short and long-range missiles must have “cost Israel an arm and a leg.” “I mean, wow. I didn’t know you guys had this much in the old war chest, but apparently you do. Really, really impressive stuff. No wonder you’re so independent.”

Sources say Obama’s sarcastic comments came after facetiously asking how much money Israel’s warplanes set them back, at which point Obama cut Netanyahu off and said, “I know exactly how much.”

Shrew · Post by **Shrew** » Wed Mar 20, 2013 7:19 pm

Value Of U.S. Dollar Plummets After Joe Flacco Signs NFL's Richest Contract.

How Are We Disciplining Our Pets?

ZMan · Post by **ZMan** » Thu Mar 21, 2013 12:41 am

Shrew wrote:Value Of U.S. Dollar Plummets After Joe Flacco Signs NFL's Richest Contract.

At press time, the Green Bay Packers were reportedly finalizing a six-year, $989 trillion deal with quarterback Aaron Rodgers.

Johnny Hotcakes · Post by **Johnny Hotcakes** » Fri Mar 22, 2013 11:00 am

Worth remembering, six years on

howard · Post by **howard** » Fri Mar 22, 2013 11:04 am

You cynic

rass · Post by **rass** » Fri Mar 22, 2013 11:06 am

howard wrote:You cynic

Wrong horse (not to mention wrong Canadian (I think), but you knew that).

I made this for some Swamp related reason years ago:

howard · Post by **howard** » Fri Mar 22, 2013 11:10 am

rass wrote:
howard wrote:You cynic
Wrong horse

They all look alike to me.

(not to mention wrong Canadian

even moreso.

Johnny Hotcakes · Post by **Johnny Hotcakes** » Fri Mar 22, 2013 11:15 am

Barbaro brought America together, but cost us a Swamper.

What a remarkable creature.

Shrew · Post by **Shrew** » Wed Mar 27, 2013 4:11 pm

Quite possibly the funniest most demented article I've read in The Onion
Robert Mapplethorpe Children's Museum Celebrates Grand Opening

“Robert always wanted his work to affect the broadest possible audience, and by introducing children to the wonders of the human form and hardcore homoeroticism at a young age, we hope to instill a lifelong appreciation for his art,” said head curator Eileen Greco, dressed in the standard leather bondage harness worn by all Mapplethorpe Children’s Museum guides. “This museum is a celebration of everything Robert loved—from muscular male thighs to nylon cords wrapped tightly around one’s own scrotum—and our interactive exhibits make it fun for even the youngest child to explore and enjoy these themes.”

“Our live stage recreations of classic Mapplethorpe pieces are sure to appeal to teens and adults, while younger kids just love our two-story vulva slide,” Greco continued. “There’s really something here for children of all ages.”

Greco hailed the grand opening event as a success, noting that the sound of children laughing and playing could be heard throughout the day, from the museum’s Penetration Wing to the Hall Of Pubic Hair. Indeed, many young visitors appeared visibly delighted upon simply entering the building’s spacious atrium, which houses a climbable 20-foot-tall erect penis that employees said was thronged with small children until closing.

Additionally, sources noted that many patrons waited in line for 40 minutes for a chance to meet the museum’s mascot, Leather Daddy, a large costumed character who poses for pictures with children and allows them to playfully yank on his slave leash.

“The great thing is that these kids are receiving an education about art and photographic composition, but they’re just having so much fun putting each other in wrist and ankle restraints or inserting their forearms up a replica human anus that they don’t even realize they’re learning,” said third-grade teacher Lynnette Fuller, one of a number of educators who have brought their students to the museum as a field trip. “Each one of the domination fetish exhibits really engages and stimulates students’ imaginations.”

rass · Post by **rass** » Wed Mar 27, 2013 5:23 pm

I wonder how much back and forth there was before they decided to play it safe with "slave leash"?

Post by **brian** » Thu Mar 28, 2013 3:38 pm

I don't know if this is the real or Onion thread, but is this story real....or Onion

WalMart mulls letting customers deliver purchases to online shoppers

Johnnie · Post by **Johnnie** » Thu Mar 28, 2013 6:24 pm

Confused O-3 Celebrates Rank By Changing Profile Photo To Red Equal Sign

I know Duffel Blog isn't 'The Onion,' but it's the military version and it's awesome. How awesome? This awesome:

Scottie · Post by **Scottie** » Sun Mar 31, 2013 3:21 pm

Guy With 10,000 Tweets, 15 Followers About Ready To Hang It Up

howard · Post by **howard** » Tue Apr 02, 2013 5:08 pm

How long until some right-wingnut blogs this as a real story.

President Personally Performs First Obamacare Euthanization

howard · Post by **howard** » Thu Apr 11, 2013 3:49 pm

Onion is particularly strong today. Or I am high from all the antihistamines in my system.

D Battery Elected To Philadelphia Sports Hall Of Fame

and several others.

Hodor · Post by **Hodor** » Fri Apr 12, 2013 6:56 am

Hodor

Joe K · Post by **Joe K** » Sat Apr 20, 2013 9:39 pm

http://www.theonion.com/articles/rae-ca ... s-s,32125/

CHARLOTTE, NC—A district judge granted former Carolina Panther and convicted murderer Rae Carruth a one-day release from his 24-year prison sentence Thursday to allow him to participate in the filming of a new “This Is SportsCenter” commercial in Bristol, CT. “I was fully prepared to dismiss the request sight unseen, but I allowed the counsel to explain the commercial and it actually sounds really funny,” said 9th district judge Harold Joyner, explaining the unprecedented release of Carruth, who arranged the murder of his pregnant girlfriend in 1999. “In the commercial, two SportsCenter anchors will be walking through the office and see Rae Carruth wearing an orange jumpsuit and picking up trash. They look confusedly at Rae, and he will shrug and say, ‘ESPN’s work-release program.’ See, pretty good, right?” This marks the second controversy surrounding an ESPN commercial in as many months, as earlier in March the network pulled an ad featuring Scott Van Pelt advising Mr. and Mrs. Met to consider an abortion.

howard · Post by **howard** » Sat Apr 20, 2013 10:08 pm

The finisher killed me. (As well as Met Jr.)

Johnny Hotcakes · Post by **Johnny Hotcakes** » Wed Apr 24, 2013 10:58 am

I've Been Having some Pretty Fucked Up Bread Thoughts Lately

Love it.

Shrew · Post by **Shrew** » Tue Apr 30, 2013 8:43 am

This one kills me

Sparrow Thinks It Might Have Caught Bird Flu After Puking Seeds All Morning

P.D.X. · Post by **P.D.X.** » Wed May 01, 2013 11:53 am

New Study Finds Nothing That Will Actually Convince You To Change Your Lifestyle So Just Forget It

DSafetyGuy · Post by **DSafetyGuy** » Wed May 15, 2013 12:35 pm

Victorious Tiger Woods: 'I Hit The Ball Well, My Life Is A Dark And Twisted Struggle, And I Made Some Good Putts'

Post by **Sabo** » Thu May 16, 2013 10:30 am

Post by **Sabo** » Fri May 17, 2013 2:11 pm

Cleveland Browns Gearing Up to Punt Ball Down Opponent's Throats

howard · Post by **howard** » Mon May 20, 2013 10:50 pm

Yahoo Back On Top After Purchasing Millions Of 13-Year-Old Girls’ Blogs

howard · Post by **howard** » Tue May 28, 2013 10:59 pm

Tecmo Bowl–Winning Bulldogs Visit White House

kranepool · Post by **kranepool** » Fri Jun 07, 2013 4:09 pm

John Tortorella Pacing Around Penn Station Screaming At Total Strangers To Clear Puck Into Neutral Zone

UPDATE: Reports just confirmed that Tortorella is shouting at a New Jersey Transit employee for missing a blatant cross-checking penalty on the boards.

howard · Post by **howard** » Fri Jun 07, 2013 4:20 pm

Hey, I think I saw him. Brush!

howard · Post by **howard** » Tue Jun 11, 2013 6:48 pm

Hillary Clinton Joins Twitter

American Voices • Opinion • ISSUE 49•24 • Jun 11, 2013

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who is considered the frontrunner for the 2016 presidential election, joined Twitter yesterday under the handle @HillaryClinton. What do you think?

“I’m not sure if America’s ready to retweet a woman.”
Ned Shaw –
Shellfish Processor

“Joining Twitter is the sign of a true leader.”
Ernie Longo –
Unemployed

“See, a smart candidate like her knows to hop on board the hottest social networking site within seven years of its existence.”
Joy Jones –
Dictating Machine Servicer

howard · Post by **howard** » Mon Jun 24, 2013 5:32 pm

Edward Snowden Seeks Asylum In Ecuador
American Voices • Opinion • ISSUE 49•26 • Jun 24, 2013

After fleeing Hong Kong, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden arrived in Moscow, where he is seeking asylum from the government of Ecuador, the same nation that has sheltered Wikileaks founder Julian Assange in its London embassy for over a year. What do you think?

“What about Roman Polanski’s house? Couldn’t the dude go there?”
Sid Campbell –
Systems Analyst

“He should take a tour of the Galápagos Islands—spectacular!”
Mario Henriques –
Urban Planner

“Assange will totally be the Felix to Snowden’s Oscar.”
Laura O’Quinn –
Elephant Keeper

rass · Post by **rass** » Fri Jul 05, 2013 1:54 pm

Farmer Who Cleared Out Crops To Build Baseball Field Goes Bankrupt, Loses Family, Arrested For Tax Evasion

howard · Post by **howard** » Fri Jul 05, 2013 1:58 pm

…Doesn't Go the Distance

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Wed Jul 17, 2013 4:01 pm

CHORGES, FRANCE—With the grueling mountain stages now finished, excitement surrounding the Tour de France reached a fever pitch on Wednesday as cyclists began the eighteenth leg of the race, also known as the doping-officials-begin-gathering-evidence-to-prove-that-the-eventual-champion-used-performance-enhancing-drugs stage. “Chris Froome’s strong showing during the time trial stages has given him a commanding lead, but will that prepare him for the very tricky steroid-allegation phase of the race?”...

linky

Post by **Sabo** » Thu Jul 25, 2013 2:22 pm

Tony Romo Practicing for First Time Since Surgery to Remove Ovarian Cyst

rass · Post by **rass** » Tue Aug 27, 2013 6:32 am

Let Me Explain Why MIley Cyrus' VMA Performance Was Our Top Story This Morning

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Tue Aug 27, 2013 7:52 am

Nation Feel Fucking Awful For Woman Who Sits Between Steven Smith and Skip Bayless.

At press time, Bayless and Smith were screaming about whether Tim Tebow would fit into the Patriots offense along with Tom Brady while the woman was silently cutting herself.