In Which I Tell Every Swamper Why They Suck

mister d · Post by **mister d** » Wed Sep 30, 2015 8:23 am

Or I'm just that charming.

Jerloma · Post by **Jerloma** » Wed Sep 30, 2015 8:57 am

Pruitt

- I don't know. It just seems maniacally important for Pruitt to constantly remind us that he's Canadian and Jewish. These are kind of weird things to take pride in until you realize that he roots for the Bills and the Browns, then I guess it makes sense.

- Seriously, read that again. If the Bills don't work out, he has the fucking Browns to fall back on. Let it soak in. What a clustersuck.

- Thinks anyone cares about Canadian politics.

- Hates Christmas.

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Wed Sep 30, 2015 8:59 am

Is the only Swamper who hates advanced stats. Which is impressive when you consider the number of oldtimers, here.

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Wed Sep 30, 2015 9:06 am

TT2.0 wrote:
also fuck your piece of shit cat.

Roethlisberger beat him to it.

BSF21 · Post by **BSF21** » Wed Sep 30, 2015 9:12 am

sancarlos wrote:Is the only Swamper who hates advanced stats. Which is impressive when you consider the number of oldtimers, here.

I have a love/hate relationship with them. I dislike when they conflict with common sense. I dislike when you take something that humans play and distill it to the point where you take the human element completely out of it. It cheapens it for me.

Times where The Simpsons were right on: "I made baseball as much fun as doing your taxes!"

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Wed Sep 30, 2015 9:16 am

Including Bryan Adams was a filthy low blow.

But advanced stats are unnecessary, I will quote a great thinker here:

I have a love/hate relationship with them. I dislike when they conflict with common sense. I dislike when you take something that humans play and distill it to the point where you take the human element completely out of it. It cheapens it for me.

Furthermore, Canadian politics is interesting and Christmas does suck.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to plug in the space heater in the sukkah. It was cold here last night.

Jerloma · Post by **Jerloma** » Wed Sep 30, 2015 9:23 am

Jerloma wrote:BSF

Where to begin. Let's start here...

Colts Haters - Would you get over it? We are good, we've been good, we are going to continue being good. Peyton is the best thing that has ever happened to my sports life and I don't give a shit if he makes weird faces sometimes. We are a disciplined team that doesn't put up with bullshit from the players or anyone else within the organization. That's why we are good! You don't want to respect it? Keep using the Al Davis model and enjoy your 2-14 seasons from here to eternity for all I care.
Holy fuck. Know how BSF is always interrupting our Deflategate talks, screaming at everyone to get over it and that's not how the Colts won? It should be no surprise that he has a little Patriots apologism in him because reading that sentence, he may as well just buy a Brady jersey now. Insecure football fans crying about respect...every Patriot fan and BSF.

Lives in a place that doesn't have a baseball team so of all the teams to root for he picks the fucking Red Sox, lending even more credence to the earlier theory that he has a special place in his heart for that reprehensible fanbase.

So there's this scientist named LaMarck. Not sure if you've ever heard of him and it shouldn't be surprising because he's half a moron. See, LaMarck published a hypothesis for evolution in the early 19th century which showed that organisms developed and changed over time. This was nothing extremely new but he was the first one to have a mechanism. The mechanism worked like this: Animals will change over their lifetime and as they change they can somehow magically pass these changes onto their offspring. So in other words, you have a giraffe that needs to get leaves at the top of the azalea tree in order to survive. Over the course of their lives, some giraffes will try so hard that they'll actually stretch their fucking necks out and then when they have babies, the babies will already have the outstretched neck. He he had a good idea, but he just really sucked at it. It had no chance of going anywhere with him trying to explain it. Enter Natural Selection and we have the brilliant theory which is the cornerstone of all biological science today. This is what happened with the Random Thoughts thread. Take credit if you must but I am the fucking Darwin to your LaMarck.

I need to add to this...

Okay, often someone in the Swamp will make a statement without putting an awful lot of thought into it and then of course someone will correct them because nobody can go 8 seconds while passing up a chance to prove how smart they are. Very rarely, people like me and AB...the few of us with a shred of humility will be all like "My bad...I was wrong. Not sure what I was thinking." Then inevitably there's always the asshole that has to keep trying to prove why it was wrong even after said poster already admitted it was wrong. God...you are the worst.

BSF21 wrote:
A_B wrote:I feel like "interception" and "perfectly thrown ball" are mutually exclusive.
What about when a receiver breaks his route off wrong? QB oftentimes has to throw "a perfect ball" before the WR makes his break and trust that he is going to be at the point the ball is. So in that instance the QB could throw a perfect ball for a pick 6 and it wouldn't be his fault. Same would go for that receiver falling down during the break. The ball is out of the QBs hand at that point, so how can it be his fault if he ran the play that was called?

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Wed Sep 30, 2015 9:25 am

Pruitt wrote:
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to plug in the space heater in the sukkah. It was cold here last night.

Sukkot? That explains the run on lulav and etrog at the supermarket.

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Wed Sep 30, 2015 9:27 am

I can grab you some if you need.

http://sukkahmart.ca/lulavetrog/

BSF21 · Post by **BSF21** » Wed Sep 30, 2015 10:02 am

Jerloma wrote:
Jerloma wrote:BSF

Where to begin. Let's start here...

Colts Haters - Would you get over it? We are good, we've been good, we are going to continue being good. Peyton is the best thing that has ever happened to my sports life and I don't give a shit if he makes weird faces sometimes. We are a disciplined team that doesn't put up with bullshit from the players or anyone else within the organization. That's why we are good! You don't want to respect it? Keep using the Al Davis model and enjoy your 2-14 seasons from here to eternity for all I care.
Holy fuck. Know how BSF is always interrupting our Deflategate talks, screaming at everyone to get over it and that's not how the Colts won? It should be no surprise that he has a little Patriots apologism in him because reading that sentence, he may as well just buy a Brady jersey now. Insecure football fans crying about respect...every Patriot fan and BSF.

Lives in a place that doesn't have a baseball team so of all the teams to root for he picks the fucking Red Sox, lending even more credence to the earlier theory that he has a special place in his heart for that reprehensible fanbase.

So there's this scientist named LaMarck. Not sure if you've ever heard of him and it shouldn't be surprising because he's half a moron. See, LaMarck published a hypothesis for evolution in the early 19th century which showed that organisms developed and changed over time. This was nothing extremely new but he was the first one to have a mechanism. The mechanism worked like this: Animals will change over their lifetime and as they change they can somehow magically pass these changes onto their offspring. So in other words, you have a giraffe that needs to get leaves at the top of the azalea tree in order to survive. Over the course of their lives, some giraffes will try so hard that they'll actually stretch their fucking necks out and then when they have babies, the babies will already have the outstretched neck. He he had a good idea, but he just really sucked at it. It had no chance of going anywhere with him trying to explain it. Enter Natural Selection and we have the brilliant theory which is the cornerstone of all biological science today. This is what happened with the Random Thoughts thread. Take credit if you must but I am the fucking Darwin to your LaMarck.

I need to add to this...

Okay, often someone in the Swamp will make a statement without putting an awful lot of thought into it and then of course someone will correct them because nobody can go 8 seconds while passing up a chance to prove how smart they are. Very rarely, people like me and AB...the few of us with a shred of humility will be all like "My bad...I was wrong. Not sure what I was thinking." Then inevitably there's always the asshole that has to keep trying to prove why it was wrong even after said poster already admitted it was wrong. God...you are the worst.

BSF21 wrote:
A_B wrote:I feel like "interception" and "perfectly thrown ball" are mutually exclusive.
What about when a receiver breaks his route off wrong? QB oftentimes has to throw "a perfect ball" before the WR makes his break and trust that he is going to be at the point the ball is. So in that instance the QB could throw a perfect ball for a pick 6 and it wouldn't be his fault. Same would go for that receiver falling down during the break. The ball is out of the QBs hand at that point, so how can it be his fault if he ran the play that was called?

I didn't read on, just saw the first post and hit the "quote" button.

How irresponsible of me to give an opinion before scrolling all the way down to the bottom of a page.

I'll continue to be the worst. You can still get bent.

SportsDoc · Post by **SportsDoc** » Wed Sep 30, 2015 10:04 am

sancarlos wrote:Is the only Swamper who hates advanced stats. Which is impressive when you consider the number of oldtimers, here.

Well, I probably would too ... if I knew what they were!

P.D.X. · Post by **P.D.X.** » Wed Sep 30, 2015 10:09 am

TT2.0 wrote: jerloma... you ... fuck ... painfully ... and it hurts my eyes.

Left "my eyes" in there to keep it in good taste.

rass · Post by **rass** » Wed Sep 30, 2015 11:07 am

Jerloma wrote:- Hates Christmas.

Shit, really? I wondered about that a couple of times.

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Wed Sep 30, 2015 12:51 pm

rass wrote:
Jerloma wrote:- Hates Christmas.
Shit, really? I wondered about that a couple of times.

Actually - used to hate Christmas when I had to take part in the festivities. Now I'm back to enjoying the holiday as it's a wonderful time of the year for sports on TV.

Jerloma · Post by **Jerloma** » Wed Sep 30, 2015 1:34 pm

Pruitt wrote:
rass wrote:
Jerloma wrote:- Hates Christmas.
Shit, really? I wondered about that a couple of times.
Actually - used to hate Christmas when I had to take part in the festivities. Now I'm back to enjoying the holiday as it's a wonderful time of the year for sports on TV.

I think he's referring to your former alias.

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Wed Sep 30, 2015 2:25 pm

Pruitt wrote:
rass wrote:
Jerloma wrote:- Hates Christmas.
Shit, really? I wondered about that a couple of times.
Actually - used to hate Christmas when I had to take part in the festivities. Now I'm back to enjoying the holiday as it's a wonderful time of the year for sports on TV.

I'm really confused, is Uncle Rick related to the GF's mother or father? Why was he at the celebration of both sides of her family? My theory is Uncle Rick is her father's brother, and he was banging the GF's mother. This tryst led to her parents' divorce and is the root of Rick's marital difficulties. Aunt Wendy has been a royal cunt since learning of the affair, but refuses to divorce Rick because she wasn't smart enough to get a prenup when they married to shield her family's wealth, and doesn't want Rick getting a cut of her substantial inheritance from her Great Aunt Gladys.

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Wed Sep 30, 2015 3:47 pm

The Sybian wrote:
Pruitt wrote:
rass wrote:
Jerloma wrote:- Hates Christmas.
Shit, really? I wondered about that a couple of times.
Actually - used to hate Christmas when I had to take part in the festivities. Now I'm back to enjoying the holiday as it's a wonderful time of the year for sports on TV.

I'm really confused, is Uncle Rick related to the GF's mother or father? Why was he at the celebration of both sides of her family? My theory is Uncle Rick is her father's brother, and he was banging the GF's mother. This tryst led to her parents' divorce and is the root of Rick's marital difficulties. Aunt Wendy has been a royal cunt since learning of the affair, but refuses to divorce Rick because she wasn't smart enough to get a prenup when they married to shield her family's wealth, and doesn't want Rick getting a cut of her substantial inheritance from her Great Aunt Gladys.

Uncle Rick was on the Mother's side but friendly with the father's side.

The story there took place in 1985.

Since then father left second wife for a woman his daughter's age. He died this year leaving children and grandchildren of the same age and oceans of bitterness.

All the grandparents have died, as has Rick.

As for the former alias, yes, that was me.

howard · Post by **howard** » Wed Sep 30, 2015 4:50 pm

Canadian and Jewish are "weird things to be proud of"? Damn, J-Lo. Cold, cold.

bfj · Post by **bfj** » Wed Sep 30, 2015 6:09 pm

That was the worst kept secret in this place.

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Wed Sep 30, 2015 9:10 pm

Pruitt wrote:
The Sybian wrote:
Pruitt wrote:
rass wrote:
Jerloma wrote:- Hates Christmas.
Shit, really? I wondered about that a couple of times.
Actually - used to hate Christmas when I had to take part in the festivities. Now I'm back to enjoying the holiday as it's a wonderful time of the year for sports on TV.

I'm really confused, is Uncle Rick related to the GF's mother or father? Why was he at the celebration of both sides of her family? My theory is Uncle Rick is her father's brother, and he was banging the GF's mother. This tryst led to her parents' divorce and is the root of Rick's marital difficulties. Aunt Wendy has been a royal cunt since learning of the affair, but refuses to divorce Rick because she wasn't smart enough to get a prenup when they married to shield her family's wealth, and doesn't want Rick getting a cut of her substantial inheritance from her Great Aunt Gladys.
Uncle Rick was on the Mother's side but friendly with the father's side.

But Uncle Rick still banged the mother, right?

Jerloma · Post by **Jerloma** » Thu Oct 01, 2015 12:04 pm

Rass

Just one thing, really. A few times now, I've wanted to mention that someone sucks because they're always asking for advice on how to run their FFB teams. Like, what's the fucking point of managing an FFB team if you're just going to have other people make your decisions? Whatever happened to some good old-fashioned accountability? It's a fair grievance. The reason I can't bring that up though is because if I do, you know without a shadow of a doubt that if I've ever posted one things even remotely alluding to FFB advice, Rass is going to track it down. Granted his insane search skills are impressive but also a little but stalkery, amirite? He's like the fucking neighborhood watch guy. Thinks he's goddamned George Zimmerman.

Besides that, Rass is awesome. That sucks though. Watch...I bet he's already scouring my posts anyway.

ETA: I also feel like Rass doesn't like Shakira as much as he should.

Johnny Carwash · Post by **Johnny Carwash** » Tue Nov 03, 2015 11:54 am

So I guess you like all the rest of us?

Jerloma · Post by **Jerloma** » Tue Nov 03, 2015 3:59 pm

I have some catching up to do but as it turns out, I don't really know anything about a lot of people. Like Joe K...does anyone know even one semi-personal thing about him other than he's probably a lawyer? I can't even make up a reason as to why he would suck.

Brontoburglar · Post by **Brontoburglar** » Tue Nov 03, 2015 4:34 pm

that he'd be a lawyer?

Rush2112 · Post by **Rush2112** » Tue Nov 03, 2015 10:22 pm

Didn't he go to Duke?

DC47 · Post by **DC47** » Tue Nov 03, 2015 11:47 pm

That was CoachK.

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Wed Nov 04, 2015 6:45 am

Rush2112 wrote:Didn't he go to Duke?

Doesn't seem right but is possible

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Wed Nov 04, 2015 9:52 am

Jerloma wrote:I have some catching up to do but as it turns out, I don't really know anything about a lot of people. Like Joe K...does anyone know even one semi-personal thing about him other than he's probably a lawyer? I can't even make up a reason as to why he would suck.

He lives in Boston, and vaguely seems like he might be a Pats fan? His political views are always on point, so you can't hit him there.

Jerloma · Post by **Jerloma** » Wed Nov 04, 2015 10:03 am

You must not have seen any of his work in the Deflategate thread if you think he's a Pats fan.

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Wed Nov 04, 2015 10:15 am

Rerun is the Dukie, isn't he?

Jerloma · Post by **Jerloma** » Wed Nov 04, 2015 10:17 am

No, just a massive Duke apologist.

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Wed Nov 04, 2015 10:21 am

Jerloma wrote:No, just a massive Duke apologist.

He did get his MBA there, so that probably qualifies him as a Dukie.

Jerloma · Post by **Jerloma** » Wed Nov 04, 2015 10:41 am

Oh, I didn't know that.

Joe K · Post by **Joe K** » Thu Nov 05, 2015 10:45 pm

I was really busy with work the last few days (yes, as a lawyer), so I missed these posts. No, I am not a Dukie. I went to Yale, an equally elitist school that is much, much worse at basketball and football but at least is good at hockey. Traditionally, I was a Duke basketball hater, although I found myself rooting for them to beat Wisconsin in the Final last year because I liked their freshmen.

I lived in Boston from 2008-2014, before moving to St. Louis last year because my girlfriend (who I met when we both lived in Boston) is in med school here now. I am definitely not a Patriots fan. I'm a 49ers fan (Steve Young was my favorite athlete when I was growing up), and have been anti-Patriots since 2002. I liked Drew Bledsoe back in the day, but started rooting against them after Bob Kraft said, "We're all Patriots" when they beat the Rams. I thought his attempt to tie in 9/11 to his football team was ridiculous, so I started rooting against them then. Of course, the cheating didn't help matters.

I would say that my most dislikable sports-related trait is that I root against players and teams more than I actually root for teams (in addition to Duke and the Patriots I've been pretty anti-Cowboys, anti-Elway, anti-Lakers, etc.). This probably makes me a bad fan, but it's just hard for me to be passionate about a team I like if I don't think they have any hope of actually contending for a league or conference championship in the foreseeable future. But I can, and will, always muster up the energy to cheer against teams and players I hate.

The best example of this is my NBA fandom. The Knicks were, by far, the pro team that I was the most emotionally invested in growing up. I used to get really, really upset when they inevitably lost to the Bulls and also was really bummed by the Rockets loss. But I can't remember being excited about anything Knicks-related for the last 15 years. Even when they won 50 games and made the second round a few years back, I didn't get that into their season because I thought they had no chance of beating the Heat in the playoffs. In contrast to my relative apathy towards the Knicks, I have passionately rooted against the Lakers for every playoff game of Kobe's career, and was the same way for the LeBron/Bosh/Wade Heat teams. Now that Kobe is a shell of his former self and the Heat probably aren't a true contender (Wade was my least favorite of the Big 3), I feel like there is a void in how I watch the playoffs. I enjoyed watching last year's playoffs but found that without a team to hate I just didn't care the same way I had in years previously.

rass · Post by **rass** » Fri Nov 06, 2015 6:43 am

Well, if anyone can turn being completely reasonable and well written into a negative, I guess it's 'loma? Get 'im!

Giff · Post by **Giff** » Fri Nov 06, 2015 9:42 am

Joe K wrote: also was really bummed by the Rockets loss.

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Fri Nov 06, 2015 10:34 am

Joe K wrote:No, I am not a Dukie. I went to Yale, an equally elitist school

Don't sell yourself short, Yale is way more elitist than Duke.

Steve of phpBB · Post by **Steve of phpBB** » Fri Nov 06, 2015 11:12 am

Joe K wrote:I would say that my most dislikable sports-related trait is that I root against players and teams more than I actually root for teams (in addition to Duke and the Patriots I've been pretty anti-Cowboys, anti-Elway, anti-Lakers, etc.). This probably makes me a bad fan, but it's just hard for me to be passionate about a team I like if I don't think they have any hope of actually contending for a league or conference championship in the foreseeable future. But I can, and will, always muster up the energy to cheer against teams and players I hate.

If this is dislikable then we are all in trouble.

howard · Post by **howard** » Fri Nov 06, 2015 11:16 am

Joe K wrote:I can, and will, always muster up the energy to cheer against teams and players I hate.

That should be the Swamp Oath.

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Fri Nov 06, 2015 11:54 am

howard wrote:
Joe K wrote:I can, and will, always muster up the energy to cheer against teams and players I hate.
That should be the Swamp Oath.

I wish we had that classic thread debating the Swamp slogan. Rass?