The Swamp

tennbengal wrote: ↑Mon Mar 16, 2020 12:00 pm

bengal losing a billiard game and massaging his wrists while five partridges play nearby

Would buy this.

I know what I’m working on at the office tomorrow.

bfj wrote: ↑Mon Mar 16, 2020 3:54 pm

tennbengal wrote: ↑Mon Mar 16, 2020 12:00 pm

bengal losing a billiard game and massaging his wrists while five partridges play nearby

Would buy this.

I know what I’m working on at the office tomorrow.

Did he lose to a partridge and then some other partridges had quarters on the table for next?

What'd I do to the gardener?

Swampers be fallin' from the sky as yet another transport pod crashes and this time it's duff!


duff was genetically engineered to be a super-soldier, with all social skills sacrificed at the expense of military prowess. He is highly proficient with all types of weapons, and his time spent as an explosives expert makes him good at mining. He likes drugs and is ugly.

Similarly to how we dealt with Gunpowder, we rescue duff and then detain him in an attempt to recruit him to our colony.

Yet another Swamper shows up soon thereafter, and this time it's someone who actually wants to be here. It's rass!


rass was an orphan on an industrial world who never received a proper education and worked odd jobs to survive. His life experience has given him a good range of practical skills including fighting, construction, and taming animals. He is nervous and likes to eat raw meat.

rass had been hiding in the territory of Megumi's Burglars and offers to join our colony permanently in exchange for sheltering him. Unfortunately Megumi's Burglars have gotten wind of his escape and are determined to retaliate.

Instead of sending another raid, Megumi's Burglars decide to fuck with us in an indirect way by installing a "climate adjuster" several miles from our base that will decrease our daily temperatures by another -18F as long as it remains standing. Luckily we have a Canadian with us to help cope.

So what we're going to need to do is send a group to leave the base area and destroy the device. This requires travelling on the world map. Thankfully it's only around a half-days journey. The blue house is our base while the brown box is the climate adjuster.


We pick a group of five with decent fighting skills, pack up some food rations, and they head to the location.

And here's the climate adjuster. Luckily for us it's undefended. Let's blow this thing and go home.

Oh, shit! While the strike group was away, those remaining at the base got overloaded with all the extra work that fell on them, and now it's come back to bite us. The imprisoned Gunpowder hadn't gotten any food for a while and goes berserk, breaking down the door of his prison cell and attacking BFJ who was just arriving with his meal. BFJ stuns Gunpowder with his psychic powers and then P.D.X. incapacitates him with a (non-fatal) stab wound. We put Gunpowder in another cell and re-boot the recruitment process.


Soon our triumphant heroes return from their quest as temperatures return to a balmy 20 degrees.


In time, we successfully convince both Gunpowder and duff to join the colony and now have a healthy complement of 10.

You might remember rass from his days as every shitty Final Fantasy protagonist.

BFJ frightens me.

So if you think about it, the following steps led to the successful recruitment of Gunpowder:

- Appear to be rescuing you for altruistic motives, but then lock you in prison until you agree to join their colony
- Attempt to engage with you by having conversations about pubic hair and vomit
- Forget to feed you until you go insane with hunger and break down the prison door
- Stab you to subdue you after you escape
- Lock you in another cell and resume the recruiting process

Which I think is also how you end up becoming a Scientologist.

Solving so many problems just with a knife. Call me MacGyver.

P.D.X. wrote: ↑Tue Mar 17, 2020 11:33 am Solving so many problems just with a knife. Call me MacGyver.

I'll go with PDX Dundee.

As the winter deepens, our lack of a proper harvest weights on us as we need to rely on hunting to survive. By the late winter months, wild game runs sparse and we're barely able to procure food, with our colonists sometimes eating raw meat out of desperation before we can cook it.

We get a stroke of luck when a herd of elk appears and we send out a couple of hunters. But uh-oh, a shot from Rosy angers the whole herd and they charge her! The lead male elk slams his antlers into her torso, killing her instantly.


They then turn on bengal, trampling him into a pulp, but he survives. The rest of us scramble out and unload in desperation, finally bringing down all of the herd.

On the plus side, we now have a shitload of elk meat that should keep us fed until crops kick in.

And in case you were wondering whether Rosy's death would cause Pruitt to finally lose the shit-eating grin he has at all times, here's your answer:

Here's how our base is shaping up as the warmer months arrive and we are able to get a steady stream of crops going. I'm planning to fully enclose the base and set up defensive positions outside the entrances so we can hopefully more efficiently fend off any attacks.


Oh, hey, P.D.X. "spoke badly of rass's hardiness" and this was apparently enough for rass to start throwing hands!


It's back and forth for a while, but rass gets the upper hand thanks to his penchant for biting.

Still questioning his hardiness.

The only thing thinner than my skin is your blood.

P.D.X. wrote: ↑Wed Mar 18, 2020 11:50 am Still questioning his hardiness.

By the way, you permanently lost your left thumb as a result of that fight.

Thankfully not my knifing hand.

So there's this structure to the south of our base I've been keeping my eye on for a while. If you remember from one of our previous games, these places are usually full of dangerous shit, but also offer some good loot if you can handle the fight. Anyway, partly out of my increased confidence in our group's fighting skills but more out of boredom, we're going to assault this bitch. Everyone gathers to create as strong of a field of fire as we can when we open a breach. Also, we have a bear that wandered into our base and self-domesticated and has been trained up to fight for us. He's now familiar enough to be considered a proper pet, who we have named Dmitry.


And here we go. We knock down a wall and out swarms a group of mechanoid killing machines. Funneling out of the narrow entrance helps us concentrate fire before they can spread out, letting us take them down one by one. Dmitry the bear rushes forward to draw their attention away from us.


The plan works and we eventually mow down all the mechanoids in a hail of gunfire. Ryan gets his right ring finger cut off and Pruitt is shot in the leg, but both are survivable. Dmitry the bear takes a huge amount of punishment but surprisingly pulls through.


Inside the structure are a bunch of cryptosleep caskets from which several awakened ancient colonists emerge, but then run away or die. We scavenge a number of useful items.

The faction of The Confederacy of Too, who hate our guts, have offered us a deal. They want us to protect one of their caravans from the pirates of Megumi's Burglars by drawing the attention toward our base instead. In exchange we'll receive a couple of high-value items. We accept.

Here come the pirates. This time, instead of assaulting our base directly, they're going to set up a defensive position and bombard us from afar with a mortar. Our best course of action is to launch a pre-emptie attack before they can get fully set up.


The whole crew rushes out for the ambush and opens fire...


Uh-oh, looks like I sent bengal and Gunpowder into too far forward of a position, and a bunch of dudes with knives rush forward to stab the shit out of them. Fortunately only a couple of pirates have guns, so we're eventually able to mow them down with our superior firepower. As brutal as this scene looks, amazingly everyone survives, including Dmitry the bear.

There's a lot to clean up after the battle, and as the stresses pile up, duff, who had his right fourth toe shot off, decides he's had enough of our shit and is going to peace out:


He's too valuable of a member to lose, though, so we intercept duff before he can leave the base and drag him back to our jail for re-recruitment.

Alright, so to fulfill their end of the bargain, the Confederacy of Too sends their promised items:

- an "orbital power beam targeter," which is a powerful single-use weapon that sends down a massive blast from space on a targeted area
- a bonic "power claw" that replaces a person's hand to give them enhanced melee fighting abilities

I love Dmitry so much!

What would a "power claw" do to BFJ's creative process?

When we last left off, duff had attempted to quit and leave the colony, and had to be arrested and dragged off to jail for re-recruitment. duff responds by vomiting all over his jail cell, then going berserk because we didn't clean up his vomit and also because he hasn't had drugs in a while. He kicks down the door and tries to make his escape again.


rass attempts to "subdue" duff by straight-up shooting him. Fortunately, duff's wounds are non-fatal, and we imprison him yet again. Finally, he comes around and agrees to re-join us...for now.

We get an interesting quest from the Red Empire. A prisoner named Ryan "Legend" Michael was caught having an affair with a noblewoman. The Empire wants to hold him in a low-profile location to avoid scandal, and so has turned to us. If we can successfully hold Legend for 20 days, we can gain a good amount of favor with the Empire.

We accept and the prisoner is brought into our compound. Here's a look at Legend, seducer of noblewomen, who as it turns out is a 67-year-old "tortured artist" with a pink beard and a history of drug abuse.

So remember the Confederacy of Too, who recently asked us to defend their caravan from a group of pirates? Apparently that wasn't enough to actually make them our friends, as they are now sending a raiding party of their own against us.


Though the attackers are armed with primitive weaponry, the fight is tense. A raider named Gubia fires an arrow that strikes bengal in the torso, killing him instantly!


Another arrow from Gubia strikes BFJ, who was just hanging around in the background, wounding him badly. Fuck you, Gubia. Eventually the battle turns in our favor and we kill a number of the attackers, including Gubia, and the rest flee.

Well, this is unfortunate. Apparently Dmitry the bear was hungry, and eats bengal's head while we are preparing his burial.


Meanwhile, P.D.X. is happy that bengal died for some reason:

WHAT THE FUCK

What Dmitry takes, Dmitry gives, eh Pruitt?

rass wrote: ↑Mon Mar 23, 2020 6:56 am What Dmitry takes, Dmitry gives, eh Pruitt?

I trained him to kill anything in a Kijana Carter shirt.

You: I just died and a bear ate my head
Tortured Artist: Gonna just say I'm a regular artist now

this is a really good season. sad im not in this one.

#TeamDmitry

tennbengal wrote: ↑Mon Mar 23, 2020 6:52 am WHAT THE FUCK

Saves on buying Purina Bear Chow

Johnny Carwash wrote: ↑Mon Mar 23, 2020 6:38 am Meanwhile, P.D.X. is happy that bengal died for some reason:

Oh, there's a reason.

The stress of the recent battle has really gotten to BFJ, who decides to take it out by walking over and punching P.D.X.'s wife Belle while she is asleep in her hospital bed. Belle awakens and proceeds to kick BFJ's ass, sending him fleeing. Nice work, tough guy.


We don't get much respite, as just four days later we are attacked again, this time by the People of Lerlourbar.


We're able to mow down the first wave of attackers pretty easily from afar, but the second wave is getting pretty close, so Pruitt goes on a flanking run to get in range of his shotgun. This backfires, though, as they quickly swarm Pruitt and pummel the shit out of him with clubs and spears. This doesn't look pretty.


With a few minutes, we beat back the attack and the raiders flee, and it's now a rush to get Pruitt to the medical bay. Unfortunately it's too late and he dies of blood loss.

Our manpower shortage is alleviated somewhat by another crash-landing refugee a few days later. It's brian!


brian grew up on a low-technology planet where he excelled as the village weaver, and has high skills in all crafting activities. He is a psychopath devoid of normal human sentiment, which is probably a bonus right now as it keeps his mental state unaffected by the misfortunes of others. Like seemingly half our colonists, he also is into drugs.

By the way, brian's character name before I edited him was "Martin Furr" which he should definitely use for his porn career.

Johnny Carwash wrote: ↑Tue Mar 24, 2020 6:55 am The stress of the recent battle has really gotten to BFJ, who decides to take it out by walking over and punching P.D.X.'s wife Belle while she is asleep in her hospital bed. Belle awakens and proceeds to kick BFJ's ass, sending him fleeing. Nice work, tough guy.

Available now on Disney+

Weep not for me comrades, for I am finally reunited with my Rosy.

chekov's bear strikes tennbengal

Hey, remember that time when you guys successfully built a ship to leave the world and voted to eat your pet bear before departing? Dmitry does.