The Swamp

Sounds good. Rooting for you, TB.

mister d wrote: ↑Thu Sep 28, 2023 10:25 am Well then read above your post!

Best of luck, TB. I assume the kids being older makes this a lot easier than it otherwise would be.

Yup. Also, pretty classic point for this too...not the first to have the kids raised and then face the great "now what" after you have centered your joint lives around the children for almost three decades. Drifting forward as companionable roommates might work for some, but isn't workable on my end. Not yet - even at almost 53 I still have life left, I hope.

Sounds like you're getting to a good place, if not already there.

1st step to better mental health is to align your fandom with better teams.

duff wrote: ↑Thu Sep 28, 2023 10:45 am 1st step to better mental health is to align your fandom with better teams.

Tough but fair

I had nothing for one game for the picks column.

Had.

All the best, TB. Hope everything works out.

tennbengal wrote: ↑Thu Sep 28, 2023 10:16 am
Weirdly, I am at peace, I think, for the most part.

Love this last sentence. It sounds like you are both lining this up for as good a situation as possible. I've seen friends handle it this way, and end up improving their friendship after physically separating. If you have grown apart and the kids are gone, I think you are making a smart move and can start a new chapter in your lives. Good luck, looking forward to DiS-style newly single stories.

Incredibly mature and healthy for both of you.

Like Giff, my mind has wandered into the "i wonder what's going on with tb" on more than a few occasions. Good to see things moving in a positive direction.

(I would be completely lost if I had to start dating. I can't even really visualize or imagine it.)

tennbengal wrote: ↑Thu Sep 28, 2023 10:28 am

mister d wrote: ↑Thu Sep 28, 2023 10:25 am Well then read above your post!

Best of luck, TB. I assume the kids being older makes this a lot easier than it otherwise would be.

Yup. Also, pretty classic point for this too...not the first to have the kids raised and then face the great "now what" after you have centered your joint lives around the children for almost three decades.

This concern has hit me lately. Last year I was joking around with the soccer Dads that once the kids are in college, we won't know what to do with ourselves. Then I really started thinking about it and realize my wife and I really don't do much together that isn't somehow revolving around the kids. We've been trying to come up with some sort of activity or hobby to do together, and just haven't had the time to do anything. Sometime it feels like my youngest moving out will leave us at the edge of a cliff. Thinking back to our dating days, we were running around NYC, usually partying, with endless activities and friends who were always around.

The Sybian wrote: ↑Thu Sep 28, 2023 12:23 pm

tennbengal wrote: ↑Thu Sep 28, 2023 10:28 am

mister d wrote: ↑Thu Sep 28, 2023 10:25 am Well then read above your post!

Best of luck, TB. I assume the kids being older makes this a lot easier than it otherwise would be.

Yup. Also, pretty classic point for this too...not the first to have the kids raised and then face the great "now what" after you have centered your joint lives around the children for almost three decades.

This concern has hit me lately. Last year I was joking around with the soccer Dads that once the kids are in college, we won't know what to do with ourselves. Then I really started thinking about it and realize my wife and I really don't do much together that isn't somehow revolving around the kids. We've been trying to come up with some sort of activity or hobby to do together, and just haven't had the time to do anything. Sometime it feels like my youngest moving out will leave us at the edge of a cliff. Thinking back to our dating days, we were running around NYC, usually partying, with endless activities and friends who were always around.

Gets some pets. Good for moving the focus elsewhere once in a while.

The Sybian wrote: ↑Thu Sep 28, 2023 12:23 pm

tennbengal wrote: ↑Thu Sep 28, 2023 10:28 am

mister d wrote: ↑Thu Sep 28, 2023 10:25 am Well then read above your post!

Best of luck, TB. I assume the kids being older makes this a lot easier than it otherwise would be.

Yup. Also, pretty classic point for this too...not the first to have the kids raised and then face the great "now what" after you have centered your joint lives around the children for almost three decades.

This concern has hit me lately. Last year I was joking around with the soccer Dads that once the kids are in college, we won't know what to do with ourselves. Then I really started thinking about it and realize my wife and I really don't do much together that isn't somehow revolving around the kids. We've been trying to come up with some sort of activity or hobby to do together, and just haven't had the time to do anything. Sometime it feels like my youngest moving out will leave us at the edge of a cliff. Thinking back to our dating days, we were running around NYC, usually partying, with endless activities and friends who were always around.

i'll be 71 before #3 goes to college... so have some time to figure it out.. just sayin...

Hard to miss that grand canyon magnitude cliff coming but life has an ebb and flow that keeps us going despite...you know, hatred. Based on last night's 2am phone call with the mother in law wandering aimlessly and returning with a damaged car... id say we'll trade child care for parental care then spousal care then the dirt nap.

sancarlos wrote: ↑Thu Sep 28, 2023 12:31 pm

The Sybian wrote: ↑Thu Sep 28, 2023 12:23 pm

tennbengal wrote: ↑Thu Sep 28, 2023 10:28 am

mister d wrote: ↑Thu Sep 28, 2023 10:25 am Well then read above your post!

Best of luck, TB. I assume the kids being older makes this a lot easier than it otherwise would be.

Yup. Also, pretty classic point for this too...not the first to have the kids raised and then face the great "now what" after you have centered your joint lives around the children for almost three decades.

This concern has hit me lately. Last year I was joking around with the soccer Dads that once the kids are in college, we won't know what to do with ourselves. Then I really started thinking about it and realize my wife and I really don't do much together that isn't somehow revolving around the kids. We've been trying to come up with some sort of activity or hobby to do together, and just haven't had the time to do anything. Sometime it feels like my youngest moving out will leave us at the edge of a cliff. Thinking back to our dating days, we were running around NYC, usually partying, with endless activities and friends who were always around.

Gets some pets. Good for moving the focus elsewhere once in a while.

Tried that (the second pup in particular) lol. ymmv. On the upside, I have two wonderful companions who think I am the fucking best, so I got that going for me.

HaulCitgo wrote: ↑Thu Sep 28, 2023 1:30 pm id say we'll trade child care for parental care then spousal care then the dirt nap.

A guy I play tennis with is about 10 years older. I made a comment about looking forward to the kids going to college and finally living for me. He laughed and said "you just trade taking care of your kids for taking care of your parents." Less than a week later, my mom called to tell me about my father's cancer.

tennbengal wrote: ↑Thu Sep 28, 2023 10:16 am Weirdly, I am at peace, I think, for the most part.

I don't envy you, but I admire your courage. There sure are times when life feels like a test that only the strong survive. Sounds like you are one of the strong ones.

Thanks for posting the update, TB. And best of luck to you.

Regarding life after the kids move out, I think my wife and I have benefited from the fact that we've always been boring, stay-at-home-and-watch-TV-together people.

Steve of phpBB wrote: ↑Thu Sep 28, 2023 4:41 pm Thanks for posting the update, TB. And best of luck to you.

For sure...thanks for post TB. I hope things work out for everyone.

(You've got a lawyer, right?)

Regarding life after the kids move out, I think my wife and I have benefited from the fact that we've always been boring, stay-at-home-and-watch-TV-together people.

That's my GF and I. Before COVID, we were pretty good about getting out, seeing live music, etc. But we definitely lost that muscle memory and are now usually going to bed at 9:30.

Thanks for the update TB. If you ever want to chat or pick my brain about diabetic stuff, please reach out. Mounjaro has been a huge help in my weight loss and A1C control.

bfj wrote: ↑Thu Sep 28, 2023 7:09 pm Thanks for the update TB. If you ever want to CB at or pick my brain about diabetic stuff, please reach out. Mounjaro has been a huge help in my weight loss and A1C control.

Fascinating and good to hear, really, feeling optimistic about the ozempic. and, yeah, we are overdue to catch up. Will shoot you a text.

tennbengal wrote: ↑Thu Sep 28, 2023 10:16 am PS - a glance at "liberal dating site" has Match at the top. When the time comes, I am pretty sure I will have to dip my toe into on-line waters, no idea how I will run across available middle aged women otherwise, my life is pretty insular between home and work and the dogs take priority in terms of being home in evening etc. And, again, when the time comes, the awkwardness potential for me in this world is hilariously off the chart.

Weirdly, I am at peace, I think, for the most part.

This article popped up in the WaPost today (gift link):

The new rules of dating after 50: Less pressure and more picky

Dating over 50 certainly has its challenges — the pool of potential dates is smaller than in our younger years, and many older adults struggle to find connection. But relationship experts and over-50 daters say there are surprising benefits.

Just read it and ...eh.

DaveInSeattle wrote: ↑Thu Sep 28, 2023 6:48 pm

Steve of phpBB wrote: ↑Thu Sep 28, 2023 4:41 pm Thanks for posting the update, TB. And best of luck to you.

For sure...thanks for post TB. I hope things work out for everyone.

(You've got a lawyer, right?)

Regarding life after the kids move out, I think my wife and I have benefited from the fact that we've always been boring, stay-at-home-and-watch-TV-together people.

That's my GF and I. Before COVID, we were pretty good about getting out, seeing live music, etc. But we definitely lost that muscle memory and are now usually going to bed at 9:30.

We still go out, but it’s different things. I used to be part of a Sharks’ hockey season ticket group, and my wife used to get partial season tickets to the Symphony (and we had a deal we’d accompany each other.) when Covid hit, we gave those up. But, in the past couple years we’ve gone out again, but now it’s live music or comedy instead of what we did in the past. TB, when you start dating, a night at the comedy club is a great date idea, imho.

Maybe on the comedy club - that's something I def did a ton with Jen, and it can be a lot of fun but gotta be careful with what comedian especially if in early dating stages I suspect...

A quick weird comedy club story - took Jen to NYC for a surprise overnight centered around the comedy cellar - caught a show with like 8 comedians on one after the other. The host that night was comedian Ardie Fuqua. Jen and I were seated literally right by the stage where the comedians came on and off so...interaction was more likely than I tend to want. In any event, at one point Fuqua did the "where's everyone from" and heard me say Baltimore. He looked at me and said "the county, right?" and I said, no, the city and then he had a delightful field day and ended up having me on stage to show off my baltimore pimp walk and it was, as you might expect, horrifying for me but everyone else seemed to be amused. In any event, he was super cool afterwards, thanked me for playing along, pic etc, really great guy.

Few months later realized he was one of the passengers in the Tracy Morgan/Walmart truck bus crash. I think initially he had to stop performing and saw a post on TBI but a google search looks like he is working again.

In any event, m a y b e on comedy shows when I start dating again...

Comedy shows or movies is like a 5th date thing. You want to talk first. Coffee, lunch, walks, festivals, night markets etc...

Says the guy who went to a different continent to get his wife.

(I joke, Degen!)

sancarlos wrote: ↑Mon Oct 02, 2023 10:47 am Says the guy who went to a different continent to get his wife.

(I joke, Degen!)

Ha! That's why it worked. We talked for 6 months. It's easier in your 30s, both are ready to commit.

Small update - looks like we will start the physical separation portion of the festivities in January as opposed to next summer. She found a great place in our old neighborhood in the city (basically a whole first floor apartment in a cool old house and we went and looked at it and it would be ideal). She signed the lease for 1/1 but we can move her in over a few weeks after the new year I guess as we figure out her furniture etc. No massive rush still. We are still doing really well, in fact, still better than it has been in a long time, but that is probably related to our decision to separate, paradoxically enough. I think. Dunno. There are still no rules for this.

Sorry, man. I’m sure it’s tough on you. What kind of feedback are you getting from your son, brother, parents, in-laws, etc?

sancarlos wrote: ↑Tue Nov 07, 2023 1:03 pm Sorry, man. I’m sure it’s tough on you. What kind of feedback are you getting from your son, brother, parents, in-laws, etc?

All supportive. Not sure they understand, but they all seem to trust that Jen and I seem to understand.

tennbengal wrote: ↑Tue Nov 07, 2023 12:42 pm Small update - looks like we will start the physical separation portion of the festivities in January as opposed to next summer. She found a great place in our old neighborhood in the city (basically a whole first floor apartment in a cool old house and we went and looked at it and it would be ideal). She signed the lease for 1/1 but we can move her in over a few weeks after the new year I guess as we figure out her furniture etc. No massive rush still. We are still doing really well, in fact, still better than it has been in a long time, but that is probably related to our decision to separate, paradoxically enough. I think. Dunno. There are still no rules for this.

And this isn't something you really want, is it? In other words, if your wife changed her mind and said she wanted to stay together, you'd be excited about that, right?

Shirley wrote: ↑Tue Nov 07, 2023 2:42 pm

tennbengal wrote: ↑Tue Nov 07, 2023 12:42 pm Small update - looks like we will start the physical separation portion of the festivities in January as opposed to next summer. She found a great place in our old neighborhood in the city (basically a whole first floor apartment in a cool old house and we went and looked at it and it would be ideal). She signed the lease for 1/1 but we can move her in over a few weeks after the new year I guess as we figure out her furniture etc. No massive rush still. We are still doing really well, in fact, still better than it has been in a long time, but that is probably related to our decision to separate, paradoxically enough. I think. Dunno. There are still no rules for this.

And this isn't something you really want, is it? In other words, if your wife changed her mind and said she wanted to stay together, you'd be excited about that, right?

No.

Some personal stuff so quasi-hidden.

[+] spoiler

We both want/need this time apart. It is important for me for a number of reasons that I can't get into here. She has her own reasons. Goes back 30+ years, frankly, on my end. As for her, we met when she and i were 19, she's never known herself apart from "us" really, and, I want her to have that space. As for me, it is something else, but that's what therapy is for and I finally have a good therapist and some decent work is getting done - long, long, long overdue. In a strange way, us deciding to separate is going to help with that. It's a literal PTSD thing on my end (not from an abuse situation) but from something else traumatic when I was 16 and I was WAY too close to that still when we met and I defined myself in those moments and it carried into our marriage and the seeds of this were planted frankly from when we first met and that's not great, really. And she's lived with and loved a person with pretty awful ptsd issues and that has been a lonely place for her for a lot of years and I am really happy for her to get some space. Even if I am now finally getting to a better place. Like I said, a paradox in a lot of ways.

It is weird for everyone who is not us because we are good friends and good together and so it is puzzling as fuck from the outside but from where we are, it makes sense.

It sounds like you have your head on straight, TB. I'm hopeful that it will work out for you.

Yeah, yeah... just make sure to come back with the creepily descriptive Zaz level sexcapades.

HaulCitgo wrote: ↑Tue Nov 07, 2023 3:16 pm Yeah, yeah... just make sure to come back with the creepily descriptive Zaz level sexcapades.

I mean, I truly think this will be an all-time lowered bar on that front. Genuinely hilariously unfit and unready for...whatevs might arise along those lines. It's not that I am out of the game, it is that I have never ever been in that game.

So youre saying there's a chance... We also accept video just make sure the angle and lighting are right

HaulCitgo wrote: ↑Tue Nov 07, 2023 5:22 pm So youre saying there's a chance... We also accept video just make sure the angle and lighting are right

I’ll pass on the video, maybe post your sex tapes with a spoiler tab so we can decide whether or it we want to watch.

Yeah right. Post a (fake) vid and see who watches. If you get more than 10 that should be enough confidence to find the real thing.

tennbengal wrote: ↑Tue Nov 07, 2023 3:12 pm

Shirley wrote: ↑Tue Nov 07, 2023 2:42 pm

tennbengal wrote: ↑Tue Nov 07, 2023 12:42 pm Small update - looks like we will start the physical separation portion of the festivities in January as opposed to next summer. She found a great place in our old neighborhood in the city (basically a whole first floor apartment in a cool old house and we went and looked at it and it would be ideal). She signed the lease for 1/1 but we can move her in over a few weeks after the new year I guess as we figure out her furniture etc. No massive rush still. We are still doing really well, in fact, still better than it has been in a long time, but that is probably related to our decision to separate, paradoxically enough. I think. Dunno. There are still no rules for this.

And this isn't something you really want, is it? In other words, if your wife changed her mind and said she wanted to stay together, you'd be excited about that, right?

No.

Some personal stuff so quasi-hidden.

[+] spoiler

We both want/need this time apart. It is important for me for a number of reasons that I can't get into here. She has her own reasons. Goes back 30+ years, frankly, on my end. As for her, we met when she and i were 19, she's never known herself apart from "us" really, and, I want her to have that space. As for me, it is something else, but that's what therapy is for and I finally have a good therapist and some decent work is getting done - long, long, long overdue. In a strange way, us deciding to separate is going to help with that. It's a literal PTSD thing on my end (not from an abuse situation) but from something else traumatic when I was 16 and I was WAY too close to that still when we met and I defined myself in those moments and it carried into our marriage and the seeds of this were planted frankly from when we first met and that's not great, really. And she's lived with and loved a person with pretty awful ptsd issues and that has been a lonely place for her for a lot of years and I am really happy for her to get some space. Even if I am now finally getting to a better place. Like I said, a paradox in a lot of ways.

It is weird for everyone who is not us because we are good friends and good together and so it is puzzling as fuck from the outside but from where we are, it makes sense.

That all makes sense and I think that's great progress for you. I was just worried that it was more her idea AND she was dragging you along to pick out her new home. That was gonna piss me off ... but it's not that so I'm happy for both of you.