Jerloma wrote:Mother fucker! This is what they picked for their first reading which comes right after my speech...
I got ya, buddy ...
This is my first time doing this so if anyone has any objections as to why these two should be married, I’m going to have to ask you to keep them to yourself, because I don’t need any curve balls.
I’m not going to stand up here and wax poetic about the existential meaning of marriage, because frankly…I have no idea what it is. Of course, I’m not one to turn away a captive audience either so let me start by saying that I love the word “soulmates.” I have no objections to anyone using it to describe their significant other. It has a nice ring to it and it’s a lovely sentiment, and by definition, I’ve been able to get on board with that being a thing. I realize that may not sound cynical to some people, and I assure you that I’m not here to be cynical
No the reason that I can hop on the soulmate train is far more practical. It’s because of the math. It simply does make sense that we live on a planet where there is one person specifically designed for another person. There aren't too many variables. For one, there isn’t an even number of men and women on the planet and that's fine because there are plenty of alternative lifestyles allowing everyone who chooses to marry to have a soulmate. Beyond that though, you have people dying young leaving their soulmate roaming the planet looking for someone that isn’t here, which doesn’t seem fair until you realize people God decided to have die young never had soulmates assigned to them. You also have people who remain single their entire lives, which is fine but what if their soulmate didn’t want to remain single? Are they stuck marrying their not soulmate because their actual soulmate had commitment issues? Obviously this makes no sense as soulmates are *pairs*, not individuals. How do you even go about looking for your soulmate? In a universe with a soulmate system in place, are the two individuals responsible for finding themselves? What if your soulmate lives in North Korea and you’re not even allowed to go there? What if you go to San Diego to try to find them and by some chance, they happen to knock on your door the next day…while you were away…looking for them! It wouldn't happen, you find them because of destiny, that's how!
So maybe magic is the reason we’re here today, and I want to tell you…that’s the good news. The fact that you were pushed here by some supernatural force intent on bringing some predestined fairy tale to fruition can only mean one thing – that you chose each other, a choice you made because you're soulmates. Not all sparks make a fire. In fact very few do. To get a fire, you need to create as many sparks as you can and that means you have to want it and you have to commit to it. And God knows Amanda created her share of pre-soulmate "sparks". [Pause for laughter] We’re here today because you each made a choice, on your own will, to be together for the rest of your lives, and that is so much better than any fairy tale could ever produce, because it means that you’re only accountable to each other as soulmates. You alone together are the masters of your destiny and that is everything you can ever ask for as soulmates.
You know, we heard that beautiful song just now as Amanda and Hank walked down the aisle. Many of you may have recognized it from a popular movie and it is a wonderful, magical story. Your story however doesn’t have any singing candlesticks or teapots. Your journey didn’t include anyone turning into a frightening beast and then back to a human. No kisses were required to break evil curses. You didn’t get here by way of a pumpkin that turned into a carriage, and when you say I do, it won’t be with a voice that you had to reclaim from an anthropomorphic octopus that stole it from you. It simply does not matter that magic had nothing to do with you standing right here today, because while those stories are all wonderful, they all end right where yours is beginning. All that matters is that you are here. All that matters is now. Soulmates.
So maybe I don’t know the existential meaning of marriage, but I do know one thing with absolute certainty. It’s that you don’t have to be magic to make something magical for your soulmate.
So go and make an amazing life for yourselves. Make a home. Make a purpose. Make time…for each other. Make fun traditions. Make breakfasts in bed and steaks on the grill. Make awesome memories. Make babies [finger in the hole gesture]…or not…it’s up to you! Make all of the things that will make you happy, but above all of that…make it magical. As soulmates.
Johnnie wrote: ↑Sat Sep 10, 2022 8:13 pmOh shit, you just reminded me about toilet paper.
Wow. That's beautiful, man. Thank you. Unfortunately, I've got to scrap the whole thing. I'm not even giving an address. These people told me that the only thing they care about is that it's not religious and then the first thing they pick is overtly religious. Even worse though...it's hokey and vacuous. Yeah...you're the only two balloons going up, you little snowflakes.
Now I have 3 days to get all of this passive-aggression out of me.
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God
Imagine having access to every single piece of recorded literature in history and then going with "You're the key in my motherfucking lock???"
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God
Jerloma wrote:Imagine having access to every single piece of recorded literature in history and then going with "You're the key in my motherfucking lock???"
Pretty sure it's an allusion to fucking.
Johnnie wrote: ↑Sat Sep 10, 2022 8:13 pmOh shit, you just reminded me about toilet paper.
Jerloma wrote:Imagine having access to every single piece of recorded literature in history and then going with "You're the key in my motherfucking lock???"
Pretty sure it's an allusion to fucking.
But with souls
he’s a fixbking cyborg or some shit. The
holy fuckbAllZ, what a ducking nightmare. Holy shot. Just, fuck. The
The worst part about this is that I feel like I've let down Square Rob.
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God
Jerloma wrote:Imagine having access to every single piece of recorded literature in history and then going with "You're the key in my motherfucking lock???"
Pretty sure it's an allusion to fucking.
But with souls
So... you could run with that a bit -
Yes, he is the key to your lock. He's the train to your tunnel, the water in your pipe.
Your souls are intertwined, like wood in your chipper, his basketball in your hoop, and his puck in your net.
May you ever be joined...
So I'm doing my second wedding tomorrow and I finally get to use my original address. It's actually pretty ideal because I got that $ line from the bride. These two are way more secular than the last and there's no fairy tale theme to work off so I had change most of it to get where I need to be. I even got a chance to summon the 11th Doctor. Anyway, I think it works but I'm never averse to a little critique or affirmation, so if you have any feedback, let me know.
Thanks.
Welcome everybody to the wedding of Tom and Sarah, which is definitely not a thing, but since I apparently have a captive audience, I’m going to start by saying some words anyway.
I’m not going to stand here and wax poetic about the existential meaning of marriage because frankly, I have no idea what is, but ultimately there is a reason that we’re here, and it’s just that these two lovely people standing before me, are madly in love with each other and wish to spend the rest of their lives together.
There are lots of theories out there on what brings people together in this fashion. Some say that the universe designs people specifically intended for each other. Others may hypothesize that a flying infant shoots people with his love arrow, or a fairy sprinkles them with pixie dust. Many others may simply call it the will of an omnipotent creator.
Any of these things of course could be true, but I don’t like to play in the realm of certainty. Instead, I’d like to tell you a story. It’s a story that starts billions of years ago.
All the elements in your body were forged from atoms in the heart of a faraway, ancient star that exploded and died. That explosion scattered those elements across the desolations of deep space. After so, so many millions of years, these elements came together to form new stars and new planets. And on and on it went. The elements came together and burst apart forming shoes, and ships, and pythons, and guitar pedals, and cabbages and kings. Until, eventually, they came together to make a Tom and to make a Sarah.
You are unique in the universe. But you’re also a unique couple, and while you had no control over the circumstances of your existence, you did have control over this. So, while the universe may have made a Tom and a Sarah, you made something even better. You made Tom and Sarah.
There’s nothing inherently magical about any of this of course, but that does not make it any less profound. You see, you’re not here because you deserve to be. The Universe doesn’t owe you that. It doesn’t owe you anything, and let me tell you…that’s the good news. You’re here because you want to be. You’re here tonight because you each made a choice, on your own will, to be together for the rest of your lives, and that is so much better than any tale could ever produce, because it means that you’re only accountable to each other. You alone are the masters of your destiny…the proprietors of your purpose, and nobody can ever take that from you.
So maybe magic isn’t the reason we’re here, and maybe I don’t know the existential meaning of marriage, but there is one thing that I do know with absolute certainty. You see, I have this friend…this wonderful friend, who may or may not be present. We were talking once about kids and Christmas, and she said something to me that I’ll never forget, and I think it applies here as well. It’s that you don’t have to be magic to make something magical for somebody else.
So Tom and Sarah…go and make a fulfilling life for yourselves. Make sure your house remains a home. Make time…for each other and for your family. Make fun traditions. Make breakfasts in bed and steaks on the grill. Make all the amazing memories. Simply continue to make all of the things that will make you happy, but above all of that…make it magical.
And the unicorns shall come down with them, and the bullocks with the bulls; and their land shall be soaked with blood, and their dust made fat with fatness. - God