The Swamp

rass wrote:Let Me Explain Why MIley Cyrus' VMA Performance Was Our Top Story This Morning

Shirley wrote:

rass wrote:Let Me Explain Why MIley Cyrus' VMA Performance Was Our Top Story This Morning

Sometimes The Onion is depressing.

sancarlos wrote:

Shirley wrote:

rass wrote:Let Me Explain Why MIley Cyrus' VMA Performance Was Our Top Story This Morning

Sometimes The Onion is depressing.

But certainly a rifleshot on point. At least, in this case.

• Over 30 new running moves that you’ll never figure out how to use
  Four-player cooperative mode lets each user control one of quarterback’s limbs
  Comes preloaded with 15 NFL franchises; other 17 available for purchase at just $4.99 per team
  Controller rumbles every time a player thinks about suicide
  Credits featuring full bios of entire software development team are displayed before every game
  Gorier finishing moves
  More realistic goatee on Carolina Panthers assistant strength and conditioning coach Jason Benguche
  Injured players can now be seen on the sidelines denying that they’re experiencing concussion-like symptoms
  All your favorite Jacksonville Jaguars
  Return of highly popular feature from last year’s game that allows players to punch and kick Jay Cutler repeatedly after a sack
  Expanded Create-A-Player features 10 post-career seasons where players must navigate the pitfalls of poor investment opportunities, chronic injuries, and the NFL pension system
  Gamers now fined $50,000 for particularly vicious hits
  Unlimited footballs

Johnnie wrote:What I didn't realize until after reading that is Meredith Artley is actually the CNN.com managing editor.

She had to go on Twitter and tell everyone she didn't write it.

Basically, The Onion actually put her on blast. It wasn't satire so much as a shotgun to the face of so-called "journalism."

Prince Fielder Promises To Hit Home Run For Terminally Ill Detroit

DETROIT—Pledging to do all he can for the sickly metropolis, Tigers first baseman Prince Fielder reportedly promised Detroit, a city with a debilitating terminal condition, that the next home run he hits will be for the brave Michigan town, sources confirmed Thursday. “You’ve been a real champ these last few months, little bud, so I’m gonna hit one out of the ballpark just for you,” said Fielder, who admitted that it broke his heart to know the ailing city didn’t have much time left. “You keep watching me up there on the TV screen, okay? You’re so strong. I just need you to hold on a little bit longer.” At press time, sources confirmed Detroit was eagerly watching Fielder and cheering for the five-time All-Star even as its vital infrastructure started to give out.

sancarlos wrote:Washington Redskins to Change Name.

“It was kind of a rip-off at the end, though,” Zaffino added. “I thought they’d give us Kit Kats or Snickers or something, but the lady who lives there was just handing out apples.”

howard wrote:Cancer Diagnosed With Skip Bayless
‘It’s Stage IV Skip Bayless, The Loudest, Most Aggressive Kind,’ Say Doctors

Sabo wrote:19 Tweets From the Audubon Society/Barack Obama Twitter Feud

U.S. senator John McCain pushed for a military presence of “no less than 20,000 troops” in Brazil for the remainder of the World Cup to “help the U.S. soccer team finish the job.”

At press time, someone had reportedly fixed everything for the goddamn imbecile.

rass wrote:Area Facebook User Incredibly Stupid

At press time, someone had reportedly fixed everything for the goddamn imbecile.

ha

Let’s face it: Every now and then, you catch a bad break for the entire month of August and most of September.

TUCSON, AZ—Citing an ideal absence of obstructive cloud cover, scientists at the National Solar Observatory announced that today will be one of the best times for people to look directly at the sun. “From approximately 1:45 p.m. to 3:45 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, people living in the Northern Hemisphere will have a magnificent opportunity to look straight into our closest star,” said NSO director Valentin Pillet, adding that everyone in the United States should be able to enjoy the astronomical event just by looking up at the sky and directing their gaze to the most intensely bright object they can find. “The best way to take advantage of today’s sun is to keep your eyes wide open—squinting, or even blinking, can compromise the view—and to avoid unnecessary filters such as sunglasses, which diminish some of the most impressive features of the solar surface.” For those who miss the sun today, Pillet said scientists were optimistic that it would make another appearance within most Americans’ lifetimes.