Proud Parental Unit Crowing Thread

DC47 · Post by **DC47** » Mon Dec 21, 2015 5:49 pm

Whether or not the young woman will admit this to you, I suspect she thought there was a non-zero chance that the Hawaii venture wouldn't work for long. You might find it interesting to ask about what she's learned or how she's changed.

Heading off to New Zealand doesn't necessarily sound like a disaster to me. The problems you mentioned are soluble ones. Dealing with the challenges might be an excellent experience.

From my point of view, most college students are largely wasting their time and someone's money. Most college campuses aren't very challenging environments. Most classes don't teach much that will matter after the final exam is turned in. There are life experiences that cost far less and teach far more.

Many college grads are fond of declaiming about how much they grew during their college years. Some even claim that their particular college was uniquely suited to advance their development. I can never hear this without a gag reflex being engaged.

This summer I spent a couple hours at an alumni event for a university that is typically ranked among the top five. I thought I would need medical attention (the gag reflex is rough when repeatedly triggered) until I met a Phillipino immigrant in his 60s who was working as a nurse. He cut cane and shined shoes back home. He was there with his son, who was the one attached to the elite university. We had a great time off to the side, away from the astonishing displays of lack of insight that surrounded us. It's a testament to how little they learned in college that so many college attendees and especially alums fail to give much credence to the notion that teen-agers who live away from their parents for the first time are highly likely to grow a great deal in multiple ways during the next few years. Most would probably develop personally and perhaps intellectually just as much if they were in a prison for four years.

mister d · Post by **mister d** » Tue Dec 29, 2015 8:20 pm

My 4 year old's current favorite song is "Break My Stride", which I fear will be a high water point for a decade or more.

rass · Post by **rass** » Wed Dec 30, 2015 9:32 am

mister d wrote:My 4 year old's current favorite song is "Break My Stride", which I fear will be a high water point for a decade or more.

Well, she got to keep on movin'.

Giff · Post by **Giff** » Wed Dec 30, 2015 10:18 am

mister d wrote:My 4 year old's current favorite song is "Break My Stride", which I fear will be a high water point for a decade or more.

That was my wife's favorite song when she was 6.

bfj · Post by **bfj** » Sat Jan 23, 2016 12:25 pm

My boy on trumpet (he's next to the sax player).

howard · Post by **howard** » Sat Jan 23, 2016 12:31 pm

He's pretty good. Man, trumpet is a hard instrument for young people to play, takes a lot of patience and sticktoitness.

bfj · Post by **bfj** » Sat Jan 23, 2016 1:06 pm

howard wrote:He's pretty good. Man, trumpet is a hard instrument for young people to play, takes a lot of patience and sticktoitness.

Thanks Doc. He plays a lot at school and not at all at home. So I am always blown away (punny) when I get to hear him play live. He was offered a solo, but has a bit of stage fright he needs to overcome.

howard · Post by **howard** » Sat Jan 23, 2016 1:47 pm

Yeah, he looks a little nervous when he is waiting out solos. He might try listening closely to the solos, and not just count bars until it is time for him to play again. If he can lose himself in the other solos, that can distract from his own nerves. Even moving, like tap-ing his foot to the beat, w/o counting, during other solos might help.

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Sat Jan 23, 2016 2:16 pm

howard wrote:He's pretty good. Man, trumpet is a hard instrument for young people to play, takes a lot of patience and sticktoitness.

100% on both comments.

Crow away!

rass · Post by **rass** » Sat Jan 23, 2016 3:33 pm

Should have talked him into the trombone.*

That was great anyway.

*yeah right. I couldn't talk my own kids into it. One played violin and quit and the other wants to play drums.

DC47 · Post by **DC47** » Sat Jan 23, 2016 4:32 pm

Looks like great fun. What grade level are these kids?

bfj · Post by **bfj** » Sat Jan 23, 2016 5:08 pm

DC47 wrote:Looks like great fun. What grade level are these kids?

9th-12th grades.

cerrano · Post by **cerrano** » Sat Jan 23, 2016 6:24 pm

rass wrote:Should have talked him into the trombone.*

That was great anyway.

*yeah right. I couldn't talk my own kids into it. One played violin and quit and the other wants to play drums.

even if you hadn't used that particular order, it's pretty easy to assume which of your daughters wants to be keith moon.

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Sun Jan 24, 2016 1:54 pm

rass wrote:Should have talked him into the trombone.*

That was great anyway.

*yeah right. I couldn't talk my own kids into it. One played violin and quit and the other wants to play drums.

I failed at talking mine out of the trombone. Damn thing is as big as him, and the case is going to put a hole in my wall when he carries it around. I won't torture you with the off key monstrosity that was the 4th grade band concert. The orchestra left many an ear bleeding. I have to say, the 5th grade band was pretty good. They played the Star Wars theme, Indiana Jones and one other cool song I can't remember. At the end of the show, the 4th and 5th grade percussionist came out marching drumming buckets. That was legitimately cool.

I'll have to find a picture of the orchestra teacher. I'm guessing there was a bad acid trip at some point. One of the mothers told me she refused to let him in the building the first time she saw him.

rass · Post by **rass** » Sun Jan 24, 2016 1:56 pm

Nice! Your kid is going places.

govmentchedda · Post by **govmentchedda** » Sun Jan 24, 2016 3:54 pm

Very cool, bfj.

bfj · Post by **bfj** » Tue Jan 26, 2016 9:40 pm

Older son submitting this for an English essay assignment. Got a little dusty at the office today.

All spelling errors are cleaned up now. Very little editing done by me.

About 5 years ago, I was asked to be a part of a panel of people who also had siblings with autism. The point of the panel was to speak to parents about what it is like to live with a sibling with autism and how it affects my life. This event was called Honestly Autism Day. Honestly Autism Day is a day where parents who have children with autism can get resources to help them learn to deal with children with autism. The people on the panel ranged from 6-35 years old. I remember sitting in front of about 100 people, with my mom in the middle of the crowd. I was nervous at first, but I kept looking at her and I felt better. We introduced ourselves, and we instantly began receiving questions. Questions about how hard my life is, who mainly takes care of my brother, what do I do to help?
A question was asked that really made me think about the future, something I really haven’t thought about. A parent asked “What worries you most?” I just looked at my mom. My lips started to quiver, my eyes started to tear up and I started to sweat on my forehead. My mother mouthed the words “just breathe, take a drink of water”. I was already tearing up, so I did what mom told me to do. I drank some water, I took a deep breath. When the question came to me, my response was, “that is something I really haven’t thought about much. What I do worry about is what will happen to my brother Max? I mean, what will happen when my parents are gone, and who will take care of him? That is something I am mainly worried about.”
After the first session was over, I went with my friend Campbell to the cafeteria area. The cafeteria was a large area of tables and people, sitting and enjoying lunch and talking to each other. There were larges row tables full of salads, subs and sandwiches to choose from. There were also freezers full of Diet Coke, Coca Cola, Sprite, water, and other refreshments. I sat down at a table with my mom, and I fell into her arms crying, trying to calm down, but the question kept swirling around in my mind, ‘Who will take care of Max when Mom and Dad are gone?’
Lunch ended and I had to get back to the conference room for the second Q&A session with a whole new audience. We introduced ourselves, like last time, then the questions started pouring in, “Is it difficult to live with your brother/ sister?”, “Does going on vacation with a sibling with autism affect what you do during the vacation?” Thankfully, I didn’t hear the question that nearly made me cry, but I did hear another question that made me think more deeply: “Do you hate your sibling when you get into a fight or argument?”
When that question came to me, I didn’t answer right away, but I made it visible that I was thinking about the answer. When I had my answer thought out, I said, “I can’t hate him, because he is my world. I have to stand by him through everything, and I can’t leave him behind. When people see me and Max arguing over something dumb, like a toy, people think that Max is just abnormal or annoying. There is something in him deeper than just ‘an autistic kid’. He is a human being, intelligent, amazing, loveable, and joyful. So, the answer would be no, I don’t hate him when we have an argument.”
Some people clapped, some were brought to tears, and some were so surprised at my answer that they just sat there, looking at me. I looked at my mom, who was nearly in tears at my answer, and I just mouthed “Did I do a good job” and she mouthed back “Jack, that was really amazing what you said.” I high-fived my friend Campbell, and felt really pleased with myself.
It was finally time to end the session, and I shook hands with the people who were leaving the room. They said different things to me, like “amazing job” and “thank you for being so honest”. After everyone left, the director wanted everyone to gather at the table. She congratulated and thanked everyone of us, and she gave each of us a $20 gift card to Barnes and Noble. I was so excited to buy something new, I was just smiling at the gift card. After we left, my mom and I were talking about the event, and if I could go to Barnes and Noble and spend my gift card. She said yes, and we were off to Barnes and Noble. Honestly Autism Day was something I was never going to forget.

Post by **Shirley** » Tue Jan 26, 2016 10:13 pm

Now I'm choked up too!

DC47 · Post by **DC47** » Tue Jan 26, 2016 10:15 pm

Lovely story and essay. Tremendous insight.

My autistic daughter has an older sister. Before she went off to college last fall, we discussed what life would be like when my wife and I were gone. Or disabled ourselves.

Daughter#1 faces life with a challenge that most of her peers do not. She's one accident away from being the responsible adult in the family.

Every day my thoughts run to the future of Daughter#2. It's an unanswerable puzzle. One that terrifies me.

bfj · Post by **bfj** » Tue Jan 26, 2016 10:38 pm

DC47 wrote:Lovely story and essay. Tremendous insight.

My autistic daughter has an older sister. Before she went off to college last fall, we discussed what life would be like when my wife and I were gone. Or disabled ourselves.

Daughter#1 faces life with a challenge that most of her peers do not. She's one accident away from being the responsible adult in the family.

Every day my thoughts run to the future of Daughter#2. It's an unanswerable puzzle. One that terrifies me.

I've told my son he needs to live his life no matter what. My youngest is not his responsibility, he says he'll never let him live in a "home or hospital".

Terrifying is right.

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Tue Jan 26, 2016 10:48 pm

Damn, it is getting dusty in here...

DC47 · Post by **DC47** » Tue Jan 26, 2016 11:20 pm

Last spring it was time for daughter#1 to choose what to do next. She narrowed her choices down to a highly-regarded university that is 2,000 miles away, or the highly-regarded university near our home.

While in high school, she had enjoyed taking classes at the hometown school, and had a strong relationship with a scientist there. On a net basis, the hometown school would cost only about 15% of the price of the distant school. If she went to the hometown school, she would be in daughter#2's life almost every day. That would certainly be a continued blessing to daughter#2, and to us. But the more distant school had better faculty in the area she was already studying at a high level. The faculty at the hometown school that she would want to work with generally didn't teach their specialty areas to undergrads. They did at the other school.

She asked us for advice. We told her it was entirely her call (as we had been saying for many months). These were two great options, though you can never tell how things will turn out. We were behind her either way.

Naturally, she didn't buy that. She wanted to know what we would do if we were her.

I considered remaining neutral. Helping her to be a highly independent person is one of our highest parenting values. I well recall strict neutrality while baking in a hot car at a soccer field as she spent two agonizing hours unable to decide which of two high-level soccer teams to join. At one point I relented, and said that if she insisted, I would make the call (which would have been a first in this domain). I picked a quarter out of the ash tray and tossed it ... she said she'd make the soccer team decision after all.

Breaking cover in the college discussion, after months of laughing off the idea that I could even add value to her process by discussing the topic, I told her that I'd choose the distant school. While recognizing that this could change, she was highly committed to her course of study, and would benefit from being around the best in her field at an early age. But moreover, it would be much more challenging. Most likely academically, and certainly personally. Not living in the town you grew up in and having your parents a few minutes away would pose far greater personal challenges and foster independence. Further, if she spent some time at the distant school and didn't think it was worth the extra money and distance from her sister, she could transfer and come home.

She posed the question about the consequences for daughter#2. I told her that the day would most likely come when she might choose to view her personal choices through this lens. It might be her highest priority. I might mean the difference between daughter#2 having to live in some kind of institutional setting or not. But this didn't have to be that day, as my wife and I were still around to care for daughter#2 and help her develop. And daughter#1 wouldn't be fully disappearing if she moved away. They could stay in touch far more than siblings in my era, simply by texting and using skype and facetime.

Not many kids would have framed the college choice as in large part about whether they were fulfilling their responsibilities to their younger siblings. I was proud that daughter#1 did. And glad she caught an out-of-town flight.

There is certainly an immediate downside to her choice. Daughter#2 is heavily influenced, for the better, by her sister. Especially regarding social issues, of which there are a constant stream for a high-school aged kid who still believes in Santa Claus despite being repeatedly told he is a fiction. As I expected, daughter#1 is not returning home for the majority of her school breaks. So her personal presence is going to be rare. Her positive influence on the development of daughter#2 wanes quite a bit when it is entirely electronic.

But who's to say if this is not for the better in the long run? Daughter#1 is able to pursue her passions and dreams without being fettered. Perhaps one side-effect will be that at some point in the (hopefully distant) future, she may find it easier to incorporate her sister into her life decisions. There are many other positive angles for daughter#2's ultimate fate that may be in play. Ultimately, who can see around enough corners to really know how a decision taken by a 17 year-old will affect -- for better or for worse -- the life course of her autistic sister? We have great respect for daughter#1's attitude, and are grateful that we haven't done anything to spoil it.

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Wed Jan 27, 2016 6:23 am

That essay is amazing.

And man, it sounds like you guys are doing great parenting work.

BSF21 · Post by **BSF21** » Wed Jan 27, 2016 7:58 am

DC -- That's some quality work there and someday daughter #1 is going to look back upon that decision and realize it was the best thing to do. Of that, I'm convinced.

BFJ -- Dig that you've got a little rock star in training. Have you had him listen to any old jazz records/does he enjoy that music in general?

You guys do a great job of letting me live the parent life vicariously, because kids are expensive and I like beer and hockey too much to make one.

govmentchedda · Post by **govmentchedda** » Wed Jan 27, 2016 9:59 am

Kudos, Jack!

mister d · Post by **mister d** » Wed Jan 27, 2016 10:13 am

That's awesome, BFJ. Sounds like one of those "if every kid were like _______" kids.

Giff · Post by **Giff** » Wed Jan 27, 2016 10:55 am

Wow, BFJ. That's tremendous.

bfj · Post by **bfj** » Wed Jan 27, 2016 9:03 pm

BSF21 wrote:DC -- That's some quality work there and someday daughter #1 is going to look back upon that decision and realize it was the best thing to do. Of that, I'm convinced.

BFJ -- Dig that you've got a little rock star in training. Have you had him listen to any old jazz records/does he enjoy that music in general?

You guys do a great job of letting me live the parent life vicariously, because kids are expensive and I like beer and hockey too much to make one.

You're young. Don't breed until you get tired of the vicarious.

He doesn't love jazz. Too long and aimless to him. He has been exposed to Dizzy and Miles and Wynton.

bfj · Post by **bfj** » Wed Jan 27, 2016 9:04 pm

mister d wrote:That's awesome, BFJ. Sounds like one of those "if every kid were like _______" kids.

He can be a TREMENDOUS douche bag! Moody teenager trying to figure out puberty and girls and growing up.

Post by **Sabo** » Wed Jan 27, 2016 10:03 pm

bfj wrote:
BSF21 wrote:DC -- That's some quality work there and someday daughter #1 is going to look back upon that decision and realize it was the best thing to do. Of that, I'm convinced.

BFJ -- Dig that you've got a little rock star in training. Have you had him listen to any old jazz records/does he enjoy that music in general?

You guys do a great job of letting me live the parent life vicariously, because kids are expensive and I like beer and hockey too much to make one.
You're young. Don't breed until you get tired of the vicarious.

He doesn't love jazz. Too long and aimless to him. He has been exposed to Dizzy and Miles and Wynton.

Introduce him to Pat Metheny. He'll learn his lesson.

DaveInSeattle · Post by **DaveInSeattle** » Thu Jan 28, 2016 12:31 pm

Great stories from both DC and BFJ. As I'm learning, Autism really does effect the whole family, including siblings.

My GF has had many talks with her older daughter about how, at some point down the road, she will have to be responsible for Kelsey (the younger, autistic daughter) and have to be ready to jump through all the hoops for long-term care and assistance. The GF has admitted that this doesn't seem fair, but the older daughter has accepted this responsibility quite willingly.

Now...about the older daughter. As you may remember, she moved to Maui with her boyfriend and one of his mates, and they were living in a shed, with no electricity. Well, that experiment has come to an end, and she came back yesterday. The shed where they were living (rent free) was at a mountain bike park, where the two guys were working is going on the market, so the rent-free place is going away, along with the jobs that the guys had. Add in the fact that the Friend decided he really wasn't as into surfing as he thought he would be, so he's going home. And the car that the guys bought for getting around, and getting the surfboards to the beach, was a total junker and blew out the headgasket.

So she's back, and the tentative plan is to go to Bend, OR (which is where the bf is from), and live with his parents while they try to find jobs and a place to live.

But I think that the daughter is wavering on that...she emailed last week, asking how much an entry level position here at the Institute would pay (I've told her I could get her an interview for any of the Research Assistant positions that are open). When I told her that an RA1 paid about 40-50K, and an RA2 was about 50-60K, she wrote back saying "wow...that's a lot".

My GF thinks, and I agree with her, that what they should do is live in Seattle, with us. The GF has talked about doing some remodel work to her home to let the daughter (and the BF, if he's here) have a separate entrance into the house, and some private space. So they could live with us, rent-free, while they get settled, and the Daughter could work here at the lab, and her boyfriend could work at someplace like REI (he wants to get into the sportsgear Rep field).

We'll see....I'm just keeping my mouth shut, as usual...

DC47 · Post by **DC47** » Fri Jan 29, 2016 9:06 pm

To further your goals, I suggest sending her video clips of New Zealand in February. Tell her about your epic mid-life walkabout down-under.

rass · Post by **rass** » Thu Apr 14, 2016 11:46 am

My oldest has been running sub-7 minute miles during speed/agility training for soccer. Yesterday, her coach used her as a rabbit for his older daughter (16 or 17, plays on her HS and local travel teams), who was there to run with the U-10 team. The girls who were running lined up on the track staggered, as they were each going to stay in their lanes. My daughter was inside, so the farthest back to start. She passed everyone before the first turn, stopped to tie her shoes, passed everyone again, stopped at the 1/4 mile mark to tie her shoes again, and then passed the 16/17 year old one more time (who was the only one close to her at that point,and the only one who finished near her). Her next time around the track, she looked at me and said she was going to have some candy. I assumed she just had something in her pockets from home, but when she finished up she told me she had picked a starburst up off the track, unwrapped it and ate it.

I punished her by telling her mom what she did so she would mom-freak out on her. My wife is much better at that sort of thing anyway.

wlu_lax6 · Post by **wlu_lax6** » Thu Apr 14, 2016 12:24 pm

rass wrote:My oldest has been running sub-7 minute miles during speed/agility training for soccer. Yesterday, her coach used her as a rabbit for his older daughter (16 or 17, plays on her HS and local travel teams), who was there to run with the U-10 team. The girls who were running lined up on the track staggered, as they were each going to stay in their lanes. My daughter was inside, so the farthest back to start. She passed everyone before the first turn, stopped to tie her shoes, passed everyone again, stopped at the 1/4 mile mark to tie her shoes again, and then passed the 16/17 year old one more time (who was the only one close to her at that point,and the only one who finished near her). Her next time around the track, she looked at me and said she was going to have some candy. I assumed she just had something in her pockets from home, but when she finished up she told me she had picked a starburst up off the track, unwrapped it and ate it.

I punished her by telling her mom what she did so she would mom-freak out on her. My wife is much better at that sort of thing anyway.

So does she play striker and they kick over the top to her? Was listening to a podcast that pointed to this type of soccer as the U.S. youth style and it hurts their development as they get older (that and the fact they take the biggest kids and put them at center back).

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Thu Apr 14, 2016 12:40 pm

rass wrote:My oldest has been running sub-7 minute miles during speed/agility training for soccer. Yesterday, her coach used her as a rabbit for his older daughter (16 or 17, plays on her HS and local travel teams), who was there to run with the U-10 team. The girls who were running lined up on the track staggered, as they were each going to stay in their lanes. My daughter was inside, so the farthest back to start. She passed everyone before the first turn, stopped to tie her shoes, passed everyone again, stopped at the 1/4 mile mark to tie her shoes again, and then passed the 16/17 year old one more time (who was the only one close to her at that point,and the only one who finished near her). Her next time around the track, she looked at me and said she was going to have some candy. I assumed she just had something in her pockets from home, but when she finished up she told me she had picked a starburst up off the track, unwrapped it and ate it.

I punished her by telling her mom what she did so she would mom-freak out on her. My wife is much better at that sort of thing anyway.

Cool story (the running story, not the candy bit.) And, maybe when she's a bit older - you can tighten the bond with your daughter by telling her that this time it will be your shared secret, but if she does it again, you'll rat her out to Mum, and she knows what hell that will bring her.

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Thu Apr 14, 2016 12:43 pm

I tried that trick, SC, and my daughter ended up telling on herself, and in turn, me.

rass · Post by **rass** » Thu Apr 14, 2016 12:47 pm

wlu_lax6 wrote:
rass wrote:My oldest has been running sub-7 minute miles during speed/agility training for soccer. Yesterday, her coach used her as a rabbit for his older daughter (16 or 17, plays on her HS and local travel teams), who was there to run with the U-10 team. The girls who were running lined up on the track staggered, as they were each going to stay in their lanes. My daughter was inside, so the farthest back to start. She passed everyone before the first turn, stopped to tie her shoes, passed everyone again, stopped at the 1/4 mile mark to tie her shoes again, and then passed the 16/17 year old one more time (who was the only one close to her at that point,and the only one who finished near her). Her next time around the track, she looked at me and said she was going to have some candy. I assumed she just had something in her pockets from home, but when she finished up she told me she had picked a starburst up off the track, unwrapped it and ate it.

I punished her by telling her mom what she did so she would mom-freak out on her. My wife is much better at that sort of thing anyway.
So does she play striker and they kick over the top to her? Was listening to a podcast that pointed to this type of soccer as the U.S. youth style and it hurts their development as they get older (that and the fact they take the biggest kids and put them at center back).

No. Sordid details in the youth soccer thread, but she's pretty much been playing defense for the bulk of her year and a half at this level. She really wants to play mid-field so she can run more. I think she'll have her opportunity under the new regime.

mister d · Post by **mister d** » Thu Apr 14, 2016 12:51 pm

Keep it up and she might have a $6 per hour contract from USA Soccer waiting for her.

rass · Post by **rass** » Thu Apr 14, 2016 12:52 pm

A_B wrote:I tried that trick, SC, and my daughter ended up telling on herself, and in turn, me.

Yeah. In this case I was legitimately pissed at her for not knowing any better, or even worse knowing better but eating it anyway.

rass · Post by **rass** » Thu Apr 14, 2016 12:52 pm

mister d wrote:Keep it up and she might have a $6 per hour contract from USA Soccer waiting for her.

Woo