The Swamp

bfj wrote: In other news, I was told I "was broken" this week by a doctor. She ain't wrong.

I am reminded of one of Olbermann's catchphrases (speaking of broken people, man Keith has really lost it), after reporting an injured athlete's status "is day-to-day…aren't we all'". When it comes to being broken, aren't we all?

howard wrote:

bfj wrote: In other news, I was told I "was broken" this week by a doctor. She ain't wrong.

I am reminded of one of Olbermann's catchphrases (speaking of broken people, man Keith has really lost it), after reporting an injured athlete's status "is day-to-day…aren't we all'". When it comes to being broken, aren't we all?

1) Watched an Olberman rant this week. It's a good thing he shaves and dresses well, because he's two steps away from living in a bus shelter.

2) Perhaps my first comment was a bit crass, but yeah, some days I think that I am this close to losing it once and for all.

Dude stationed at Cannon AFB in Clovis, NM timed his preset his Facebook post to happen after he committed suicide. It's rather chilling.

https://m.imgur.com/rRlyvYU

Jesus.

So. Not sure I can shake this one without Rx - and I don’t want Rx.

I have gotten pulled into some cases involving adult survivors of sexual abuse and rape from when they were kids. That was about eight months ago. I know their stories - have sat with them and had to have them recount it all , and not sure there is anything my firm can do for them legally. So helpless . And, I feel like an asshole for saying this, since I am not the one who was abused, but having to listen to them and watch them open up that pain and relive it with them is killing me, I think. No one else at my firm who is working on these has offered to shoulder some of this work - they are happy to leave it to me for this part - so I have listened to a lot of really heinous things by myself. The last time I spent time with these clients last month I think I had a stress reaction - felt like my hands were burning from pain and itching under the skin - I almost scratched them raw before I managed to stop.

Physical today at the doctor confirmed what I already knew - that my health is suffering - I have put on 50-60 pounds in that timeframe - I have no energy - no focus - and it is hard to complete simple tasks. I am kinda drowning. I don’t have the energy to even walk. I don’t sleep well. The doc was firm that I need to go to a psychiatrist and get on meds but I don’t really have the time and that’s also an added expense etc.

Dunno. I would say it snuck up on me, but I have been slow to connect the two things. And if that is what this is, my reaction to sitting with these people as they relived the worst moments of their lives, than I am pretty much a massive jerk for somehow making this about me and I feel extra bad about that . I am not really a drinker so no drift into the bottle to cope- just eating like shit, not exercising, and barely existing.

For those that know me locally here in the Delmarva and where I work, please just read and forget that part.

Not sure why I am sharing , but in all honesty, you all are more friends to me in the respects that matter than most of the people I guess are friends off the internet.

Also, the reds are bad again. So that doesn’t help.

Wish I had something for you other than platitudes, but I'm really sorry you're going through all this, but you'll feel better soon. I know that's not how depression works -- you can't just bargain with yourself to feel better now because you know it doesn't last forever, but it won't last forever.

I'll ask what is probably a silly question, but won't your firm's insurance cover the psychiatrist?

In any case, you have to find a therapist who deals with PTSD. You owe it to yourself.

And God bless you for helping these people.

Sorry man.

I can understand the reluctance on medication for any number of reasons, but also know from experience that the right one can do wonders.

And I’ll also say that if it helps to talk about and you don’t want to take to a therapist for whatever reasons you can always talk to us if it helps. Here or in person if you want to talk on the phone or something.

brian wrote: ↑Thu Apr 18, 2019 7:45 pm And I’ll also say that if it helps to talk about and you don’t want to take to a therapist for whatever reasons you can always talk to us if it helps. Here or in person if you want to talk on the phone or something.

Seconded. You gotta look out for yourself a bit, and if that means reaching out to someone here, do it.

govmentchedda wrote: ↑Thu Apr 18, 2019 8:42 pm

brian wrote: ↑Thu Apr 18, 2019 7:45 pm And I’ll also say that if it helps to talk about and you don’t want to take to a therapist for whatever reasons you can always talk to us if it helps. Here or in person if you want to talk on the phone or something.

Seconded. You gotta look out for yourself a bit, and if that means reaching out to someone here, do it.

Thirded. Not to far from you either if you need something in person.

TB, please get some help. Whatever you feel/need will help.

You do not have to shoulder the burden on your own.

tennbengal wrote: ↑Thu Apr 18, 2019 6:02 pmPhysical today at the doctor confirmed what I already knew - that my health is suffering - I have put on 50-60 pounds in that timeframe - I have no energy - no focus - and it is hard to complete simple tasks. I am kinda drowning. I don’t have the energy to even walk. I don’t sleep well. The doc was firm that I need to go to a psychiatrist and get on meds but I don’t really have the time and that’s also an added expense etc.

The longer you wait to address this, the more expensive the treatment will be. Your physical health is suffering because your mental health is suffering.

Seriously, go seek a therapist. Tell them up front you don't want to go on medications but would prefer to talk it out. It's amazing how much better you will feel when you talk about this to someone. It might suck and be painful at first, but stick with it. Therapists are there to give you good advice, even if that advice is blunt or not an obvious path you would take. When I was seeing my therapist, I had countless "aha" moments. I was so burdened with how I felt that I couldn't find my way out of it. Getting it out in the open made me feel better and it will make you feel better, too.

I echo what Sabo said. I've been through something similar; just admitting there is a problem is a big first step. The next is talking with with a medical professional you trust to figure out how to best address the problem. It worked wonders for me...not only helping me get through the problem but also helping me change my outlook on life which has made operating in this world a lot easier.

Oh man... Yeah, what everyone is saying. My mom has spent decades coping with depression and she's all about therapy... It took her years to work her stuff out, but she's seriously in a really good place now.

Im sorry man. If you need someone to talk to and unload on im here. Im fighting depression hard too and i cant do pills because im an addict. it sucks and i wish i had a better answer for you. I do want to ask you to be a little kinder to yourself mentally. you are only human man. You would be a soulless prick if listening to horrific trauma DIDNT affect you. There is no training for that. Empathy is a motherfucker. Seriously, mentally give yourself a break, and take care of yourself.

TT2.0 wrote: ↑Fri Apr 19, 2019 11:07 am Im sorry man. If you need someone to talk to and unload on im here. Im fighting depression hard too and i cant do pills because im an addict. it sucks and i wish i had a better answer for you. I do want to ask you to be a little kinder to yourself mentally. you are only human man. You would be a soulless prick if listening to horrific trauma DIDNT affect you. There is no training for that. Empathy is a motherfucker. Seriously, mentally give yourself a break, and take care of yourself.

I was almost going to say the bolded part myself because it is a good point. It's cold comfort now, but one day -- maybe after some therapy or even just after some distance -- you'll maybe even appreciate that it did affect you in the way that is has. And you are probably passing down that kind of empathetic thinking down to your children as well.

U good. Judgment free zones in the rehab threads.

Dude. We're all behind you.

I count myself lucky that I haven't had to deal with depression myself, but I can say that medication has been a big help to a number of people in my immediate family.

TB, if your doctor is telling you to get additional help, get additional help. And don’t at all think being affected by what you’ve heard is somehow soft, it’s the opposite if anything. Empathy is a good thing and the people who spoke with you are lucky it was you.

TB, I'm going to echo everyone else here. It is completely normal to internalize the horrors of other people, if you didn't, you'd be a sociopath. Listening to that many stories and having to focus on that for work, most people will have a snapping point. That's why most therapists see a therapist to put into perspective the shit they hear from their clients . They are empathetic people, so they take on the grief of their patients.

I'm not a doctor, but from the brief information in your post, I'd say PTSD is a likely diagnosis, maybe in addition to depression. I would highly recommend therapy, and every psychologist or psychiatrist you see will 100% understand what you are going through, because they have learned to cope with hearing horror stories. They can teach you how to compartmentalize, so you can be empathetic in listening, but not absorb the negative. If nothing else, having someone you can tell the disturbing stories to will help unburden you. For me, ignoring or internalizing stress or negative stuff leads to depressive symptoms. You need an outlet, and therapy will give you that, and a god therapist will teach you coping mechanisms to better handle this going forward.

As for medication, if you don't have a history of cyclical or chronic depression, most people with depression that stems from a specific external cause can use medication for a short time, get help lifting the depression, then get off meds forever. I've been on more than a dozen different antidepressants of the years, and only one (Effexor) had negative side effects, and Drs. rarely prescribe it anymore, as they came up with several drugs that are similar without the side effects. I would suggest NOT reading forums on meds, because people only share the worst case scenarios, and they are rare, but those forums make it seem much scarier. Any decent doctor will gradually increase doses until it works, and minimize side effects. Most side effects are extremely minor and barely noticeable, and way worth the benefits. Antidepressants aren't mind altering, don't change your personality or anything. Different ones do different things, but they basically either slowly elevate your mood, or act as a guardrail, holding your mood stable while you ideally get better through therapy.

As for time and money, the hour a week you spend in therapy will lead to much more productive time at work and home. Hopefully your insurance covers mental health, and you'll just have to pay a copay. If you do go on meds, there are countless generic options that won't cost much, and newer meds with no generic options often give discount cards to new patients, so you just pay $5 a month. Psychiatrists always have tons of free samples, and they usually give you a stack of samples when you start a new medication. Don't let your depression talk you out of getting help. I can't describe it, but sometimes I feel like a depression is a living creature inside you that knows when you are killing it, and it fights back, and one way is preventing you from getting help. It took me 5 years to overcome that and finally get help.

TB, go talk to someone. I can't stress enough how great it was when I needed it. If your doctor is telling you this, I'd definitely take their advice.

Tomorrow. I was able to find someone to start the process of sorting through all this tomorrow. Beat the other places I called who were all "six weeks before an appt". Even if this guy sucks, at least I am not doing nothing while waiting.

Thanks for the words, all.

tennbengal wrote: ↑Tue Apr 23, 2019 10:33 am Tomorrow. I was able to find someone to start the process of sorting through all this tomorrow. Beat the other places I called who were all "six weeks before an appt". Even if this guy sucks, at least I am not doing nothing while waiting.

Thanks for the words, all.

Good for you, TB. The first step is the hardest one.

tennbengal wrote: ↑Tue Apr 23, 2019 10:33 am Tomorrow. I was able to find someone to start the process of sorting through all this tomorrow. Beat the other places I called who were all "six weeks before an appt". Even if this guy sucks, at least I am not doing nothing while waiting.

Thanks for the words, all.

Can I make the suggestion that you continue searching for people who have appointments in the relatively near future? When my wife was looking for a therapist, she ran into a lot of the same thing with availability and when she finally got an appointment with someone who could see her soon, it went so poorly, I think it only exacerbated her situation. If it turns out the guy you're going to see doesn't suck, you just have to cancel a different appointment.

To sort of echo what DSafe is saying, don't let a minor setback stop you from finding someone. When I started, I took a friend's advice and saw his therapist. That was great and all, but she was out of network, and not cheap. I quickly realized that if work/money was part of my stress, that paying her nearly $200/hour wasn't going to do anything except exacerbate my problem. I found another therapist in network, and that has been great. It took a lot for me to just make the call in the first place, I'm glad I didn't let an external situation (and the barriers to finding the right person) keep me from getting the help I needed.

DSafetyGuy wrote: ↑Tue Apr 23, 2019 2:35 pm

tennbengal wrote: ↑Tue Apr 23, 2019 10:33 am Tomorrow. I was able to find someone to start the process of sorting through all this tomorrow. Beat the other places I called who were all "six weeks before an appt". Even if this guy sucks, at least I am not doing nothing while waiting.

Thanks for the words, all.

Can I make the suggestion that you continue searching for people who have appointments in the relatively near future? When my wife was looking for a therapist, she ran into a lot of the same thing with availability and when she finally got an appointment with someone who could see her soon, it went so poorly, I think it only exacerbated her situation. If it turns out the guy you're going to see doesn't suck, you just have to cancel a different appointment.

Very true, and important. I've wasted lots of time on therapists that weren't a good fit, because it seemed overwhelming to change and find someone new. Make an appointment 6 weeks out, and cancel if this guy works. And if you quit a therapist, they don't take it personally. Different styles work for different people. My therapist is phenomenal, but man does she have some shitty reviews. She is blunt and calls bullshit if you are lying to yourself. I've answered questions, thought I was honestly answering, but when she calls BS and makes me truly think, I realized I was protecting myself. Hard to explain, and can't think of a specific, but some people want a silent, sympathetic ear, and this woman isn't going to do that, she pushes patients to dig deeper and actually understand their subconscious motivations and causes for their learned behaviors.

I wanted to update my recent absence. Decided to roll this all into one thread.

1. Work is super busy and disorganized. There have always been factions and no accountability. The fakers just skate by and I slowly move into the fakers category because what's the point. A new Business Analyst was hired to clean shit up, cause the last one did dick all and got promoted (the job I applied for) so its his new hire to clean his old shit up. The new BA is really gung ho and in the long run it'll be good but it's a lot of stress and growing pains right now.

2. Internet is not super restricted at work. All sites, including the Swamp, google docs, and even the swamp baseball simulation site are all blocked.
Pretty much everything except the social media sites that the company needs (facebook, twitter etc..) is now blocked. When we do research on the net, we need to clear websites with IT, pain in the ass.

3. And most importantly, and why the post is in the thread, my wife is very depressed. She cannot adapt to life here. It doesn't help that she's a shy, low self-esteem person and not the go-getter needed to be successful here. She took English classes the first year she was here and has done very well but she doesn't think so and it stresses her out. We speak English to each other now but she's used to my English. I put her in conversation clubs at different levels and she just finds them boring. She can't start conversations, even in her own native language let alone in English. The second year she took English High School Equivalency and again got stressed out. Got great marks so now she has Grade 12 English which will get her into nursing, but she doesn't feel she can speak. Needs practice, can't get up the courage to practice. Next is volunteering, she volunteers a lot at nursing homes and talks to seniors. But still can't seem to get past that barrier. Next she got a part time job working events at the Calgary Stampede but standing all day is tough on her and she doesn't really talk to anyone. Just understands her tasks and gets the job done.

More crucial is that we're been trying to have a child and cannot. Gone for testing and analysis, in Canada it's slow because it's free.
Finally we got referred to fertility and did more testing. Her tubes are blocked so they're going to try and unblocked them in late July.
So now she feels worse because doesn't feel healthy. She doesn't have a lot of energy, even though we try to go to the gym. Now she can get pregnant which is a big psychological blow. She went back to Vietnam earlier this year and her family wants to resolve everything there and even though it's slow in Canada, it's much better and safer. Over there they will push her body to the limit with no standards and she's already weak.
She's been accepted to Nursing this September and I tell her I'm very proud of her. But she's scared that her English is not good enough for regular school (not english classes) and she'll fail, although I know she'll do fine. However, if the July surgery is unsuccessful, we might so straight to IVF which will delay her schooling further.

So a lot of days, it feels like I'm talking her off the ledge. She's pretty miserable right now and there doesn't seem to be a solution.
I'm trying to keep it together but it's wearing me down as well.

I hate that you are having to deal with that and that she is going through it as well. I know you're not looking for advice, but I'd offer up a small tidbit that having a kid almost never makes things better unless your situation is "everything is perfect in our lives and this is the absolute perfect time to have a kid." It eventually may work out, of course, but I am just saying it's a potential trap young couples fall when "people say it's time for a kid and maybe that's the missing piece". It usually is not.

That is a terrible situation. Sorry you have to go through it.

A_B wrote: ↑Fri Jun 07, 2019 3:29 pm I hate that you are having to deal with that and that she is going through it as well. I know you're not looking for advice, but I'd offer up a small tidbit that having a kid almost never makes things better unless your situation is "everything is perfect in our lives and this is the absolute perfect time to have a kid." It eventually may work out, of course, but I am just saying it's a potential trap young couples fall when "people say it's time for a kid and maybe that's the missing piece". It usually is not.

We're not young anymore. She's 36 in December. I'm 43.
And she wants one more than me, so i think the pressure is getting to her. She's depressed that her body is like this.

I mean, I'd like a kid if it works out, but not if she has to go through all that.

Really pulling for you, Degen. Hope it all works out. Keep your chin up, buddy!

degenerasian wrote: ↑Fri Jun 07, 2019 3:49 pm

A_B wrote: ↑Fri Jun 07, 2019 3:29 pm I hate that you are having to deal with that and that she is going through it as well. I know you're not looking for advice, but I'd offer up a small tidbit that having a kid almost never makes things better unless your situation is "everything is perfect in our lives and this is the absolute perfect time to have a kid." It eventually may work out, of course, but I am just saying it's a potential trap young couples fall when "people say it's time for a kid and maybe that's the missing piece". It usually is not.

We're not young anymore. She's 36 in December. I'm 43.
And she wants one more than me, so i think the pressure is getting to her. She's depressed that her body is like this.

I mean, I'd like a kid if it works out, but not if she has to go through all that.

Still a youn. Couple is what I meant. Not age wise but length of relationship. It wasn’t clear my bad.

Damn, Degen, you got a lot on your plate right now... Is there much of a Vietnamese community in Calgary? I would think a lot of immigrants go through similar issues, and meeting people going through the same thing, or those who have successfully adapted could be a huge help.

Ive been having kind of a bad couple days. the 90 day mark of sobriety was today, and all ive been able to think about is the fact that its been 3 months and i still crave the shit every day and im locked in this cycle where i hate myself for not being able to move on and i feel tired of fucking to have to fight this shit every day and i know it sounds like self pity but fuck i would just like one single fucking day where my brain doesnt remind me of how badly i still want the fucking pills. i dont need them. i have clarity in knowing this. I just wish i could have a day where i didnt have to spend time thinking about them. Unfortunately I get it now when they say its an everyday fight til you die, but fuck i just get so goddamn tired of it all sometimes and now i kind of regret ever admitting I had a problem at all because I feel like I cant be as open about the depression because my friends, whom i love dearly, are well meaning but fuck if im anything less than optimistic its like Im on suicide watch. Unfortunately a network of people who care is a mixed blessing. Its frustrating. At least I have threads here. this helped a little.

TT2.0 wrote: ↑Fri Jun 07, 2019 11:18 pm Ive been having kind of a bad couple days. the 90 day mark of sobriety was today, and all ive been able to think about is the fact that its been 3 months and i still crave the shit every day and im locked in this cycle where i hate myself for not being able to move on and i feel tired of fucking to have to fight this shit every day and i know it sounds like self pity but fuck i would just like one single fucking day where my brain doesnt remind me of how badly i still want the fucking pills. i dont need them. i have clarity in knowing this. I just wish i could have a day where i didnt have to spend time thinking about them. Unfortunately I get it now when they say its an everyday fight til you die, but fuck i just get so goddamn tired of it all sometimes and now i kind of regret ever admitting I had a problem at all because I feel like I cant be as open about the depression because my friends, whom i love dearly, are well meaning but fuck if im anything less than optimistic its like Im on suicide watch. Unfortunately a network of people who care is a mixed blessing. Its frustrating. At least I have threads here. this helped a little.

Hang in there TT...think about how far you've come. You've got people who care about you, including us here. You are not alone.

The Sybian wrote: ↑Fri Jun 07, 2019 8:58 pm Damn, Degen, you got a lot on your plate right now... Is there much of a Vietnamese community in Calgary? I would think a lot of immigrants go through similar issues, and meeting people going through the same thing, or those who have successfully adapted could be a huge help.

The Vietnamese community here is garbage. They're still fighting the Vietnam War 50 years on. My parents and I have been stabbed in the back many times and my wife would not be welcomed. Shes a commie.

That said, there are Vietnamese social workers in mainstream immigrant and employment services that have been helpful, she got her volunteer work and part time job through them.

She had made some Vietnamese friends in English upgrading class but they just befriended her for her assignments. They are no longer in contact.

That side of things is ok. But for support on health and fertillity issues. Were on our own. I read about an integrated medicine clinic. Homeopathy, acupuncture, herbs etc.. anyone ever tried that?

Note: Hang in there TT. You're doing great!

degenerasian wrote: ↑Sat Jun 08, 2019 10:14 am

The Sybian wrote: ↑Fri Jun 07, 2019 8:58 pm Damn, Degen, you got a lot on your plate right now... Is there much of a Vietnamese community in Calgary? I would think a lot of immigrants go through similar issues, and meeting people going through the same thing, or those who have successfully adapted could be a huge help.

The Vietnamese community here is garbage. They're still fighting the Vietnam War 50 years on. My parents and I have been stabbed in the back many times and my wife would not be welcomed. Shes a commie.

That said, there are Vietnamese social workers in mainstream immigrant and employment services that have been helpful, she got her volunteer work and part time job through them.

She had made some Vietnamese friends in English upgrading class but they just befriended her for her assignments. They are no longer in contact.

That side of things is ok. But for support on health and fertillity issues. Were on our own. I read about an integrated medicine clinic. Homeopathy, acupuncture, herbs etc.. anyone ever tried that?

Note: Hang in there TT. You're doing great!

Likewise. Thats some heavy shit you are dealing with.

90 days sober is an amazing accomplishment. Absolutely incredible.

So, Degen, my wife had a really hard time getting pregnant. Tried for three years, took fertility shots, etc. Nothing seemed to work. They checked me out and determined I had live bullets, and they assumed the only thing wrong with her was that she wasn't young. But then she got a complete physical exam, and because she had bad cramps, they thought she might have something called endometriosis and she had a procedure called a laparoscopy done to correct it. Shortly after that, got her knocked up - even without fertility aids. My point to this story being - has your wife had a complete physical exam to ensure there isn't a medical reason she hasn't gotten pregnant?

Both TT and Degen - I'm really pulling for you guys and sending good vibes to you.