In Which I Tell Every Swamper Why They Suck

Jerloma · Post by **Jerloma** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 9:37 am

I'll start with Ryan. Everyone else, I'll get to you, when I get to you. Might be in a half hour; might be in mid-November. If you find yourself waiting a long time, just don't think for a second it's because you don't suck. You most certainly do.

Ryan, I like you. You have a subtle sense of humor and quite often make me laugh. The reason that you suck is that you never fucking say anything. I honestly cannot recall one strong take from you, ever. You're a god damn cauldron of complete and utter apathy. You got one god-damned life. Say something remotely controversial. It's emancipating. Cut those chains, man.

Also, you suck at Facebook. Your one-liners would be perfect for that forum. Instead, maybe once every two weeks we get "Hey, here's a picture of one of my children doing a routine thing."

God...you suck.

Ryan · Post by **Ryan** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 9:50 am

Jerloma wrote:I'll start with Ryan.

Ooooh, goodie! (predictable)

Jerloma wrote:Might be in a half hour; might be in mid-November.

Might be when my meme machine breaks and I look up and it's fucking 2027

Jerloma wrote:Ryan, I like you. You have a subtle sense of humor and quite often make me laugh.

So subtle that I've made every funniest Swamper list since Jerome Bettis gained 4 yards that one time in the playoffs

Jerloma wrote:The reason that you suck is that you never fucking say anything. I honestly cannot recall one strong take from you, ever. You're a god damn cauldron of complete and utter apathy. You got one god-damned life. Say something remotely controversial. It's emancipating. Cut those chains, man.

You know who else loved this angle? Costumed Vigilante. He was cool.

Jerloma wrote:Also, you suck at Facebook. Your one-liners would be perfect for that forum.

You meant Twitter. And I'm great on Twitter.

Jerloma wrote:Instead, maybe once every two weeks we get "Hey, here's a picture of one of my children doing a routine thing."

Oh, you did mean Facebook! Nope, I'm using that right too.

Jerloma wrote:God...you suck.

Not a believer myself, but you might be right

Jerloma wrote:

This is terrible music. Fuck this guy.

howard · Post by **howard** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 9:59 am

Did I miss the part of the roast where we all joke on J-Lo? We're already at the end part where he fires back at everyone.

Jerloma · Post by **Jerloma** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 10:06 am

Rush

Dude, the whole shtick is just tiresome. Exhausting even. "Look at me...I'm just a big, scruffy down to earth teddy bear. I know everything about the Beatles even though they broke up like 8 years before I was born. I'm like one of those guys who plays ukelele in a flannel shirt in the back of the van while that hippie-chick with the cool voice sings 80's cover tunes." I think you fancy yourself as some sort of beatnik but the whole thing just reeks of disingenuousness. This is where you tell me that "disingenuousness" isn't a word because you're a fucking librarian which is just another term for "pedantic douchebag."

Down to earth people generally don't like pretentious music, and pretentious alcohol, and pretentious books, and pretentious football teams. You're just hoping nobody will notice but trust me...we fucking notice. Also, I'm pretty sure Tom Brady could rape your wife and you'd congratulate him.

I bet you're a fan of the Dalai Lama too. I'd bet my life on it. Of course you are.

Holy crap, do you suck.

mister d · Post by **mister d** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 10:36 am

This is, by far, the best swamp idea in years. (And will be carried out by the biggest dickhead here, so even better.)

Jerloma · Post by **Jerloma** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 11:37 am

Howard

Hey buddy! How's that slow-motion train wreck working out? Pretty slow? I'd say so. Do you even put a statute of limitations on any of these nonsensical predictions? I'm pretty sure we have a better chance of Jesus coming back on his white horse and blood-soaked robe before one of your doomsday scenarios comes to fruition. By all means though, give us more reasons why the economy is going to collapse. There seems to be a direct correlation between you predicting economic disasters and my 401k doubling.

Oh, and the name dropping. "I like Ben. Ben's a good man. I wouldn't vote for Ben but I'd go to a ballgame with Ben." Just. Fucking. Stop. We don't care that you did an 8-ball with Manny Trillo. We don't care that you shared a cab with Ed Koch. We don't care that you hung out backstage with Gladys Knight. You think you're gonna impress a guy who actually lived with Vijay Armritraj?

The Obama thing…I’m just going to come out and say what everyone else is thinking. As a black person who has had to deal with racial tension and probably some flat-out bigotry and discrimination for a large part of his life, the day that a brother got into the Oval Office should in theory make you elated. I’m sure it did but you’re also a fairly pragmatic dude who knows that the color of one’s skin has no bearing on his politics or ability to govern so you take what you think is an objective approach to Obama, and that’s a good thing. It’s just that, you sort of faked yourself out with this one. In an attempt to not look like some sort of fanboy, your objectivity has turned into rather obvious bias. It’s an incredible phenomenon, actually and really just a shining example of why you suck.

There are other Swampers who do this with other things too, by the way. We’ll get to them.

Gunpowder · Post by **Gunpowder** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 12:06 pm

Yeah, this is great. I'm waiting impatiently to find out why and how much I suck.

howard · Post by **howard** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 12:13 pm

It wasn't Manny Trillo, it was Mel Blount. Just sayin'.

(You are aware I've scrubbed in for surgery with Ben, back when I was applying to med school? Sure, you tell me to quit and Ima gunna quit.)

And much of my biased hatred of Obama is because he is black. Most racist group in the USA is us. Why do you think I got a smart Jew lawyer?

Jerloma · Post by **Jerloma** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 12:33 pm

PDX

"I like where I live so much that I'm going to have people call me it! We're like the only place in the world that has trees and fresh air!"

You are the fucking bastion of creativity, man. Also, I feel like I don't know that much about you. It's very suspicious. What are you hiding?

Oh, and after a night of drinking, my phone woke me up way too early this morning so it could tell me it's your birthday. That made me hate you. Nobody cares. The ones that pretend to care are lying.

mister d · Post by **mister d** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 12:38 pm

He lives in Colorado.

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 12:45 pm

PDX has a cool dog.

rass · Post by **rass** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 12:47 pm

mister d wrote:He lives in Colorado.

He could have changed his name when he moved. (right?)

Though he already changed it (at least once). And a not insignificant portion of the Swamp has had a location related user name over the years. (right?)

Jerloma · Post by **Jerloma** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 12:54 pm

Bronto

Well, I suppose we can start out with the obvious - you write about NASCAR for a living and NASCAR sucks, therefore you suck.

"Hey guys, I got an offer to be on a TV show but it's really top-secret so I can't tell you right now but sit tight and I'll tell you when I can." Get the fuck over yourself, man. Nobody gives a shit and those that pretended to were lying to you.

How about the time that fucking Dierdorf said that Hines Ward did something as the moving pictures on the TV show Hines Ward not doing that thing and because you're a fucking slave to Dierdorf (12 Years a Dierdorf), you fucking bitch about the thing Dierdorf said in the Swamp rather than interpret the moving pictures for yourself, you fucking sheep. Then when I post a picture of Hines Ward not doing the thing that you and Dierdorf said he did, instead of a simple "my bad; you're right; thanks for correcting me; I now know one more true thing than I did a minute ago and I owe it to you"...you fucking pull the "OMG, you care about this so much that you took a picture of your TV!!!" crap. That's insane. That's what an insane person does. It doesn't even so much suck as much as it makes me concerned for your mental health.

Oh, and another time you bitched about officiating in a game where your team was awarded with a 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for Willie Gay taunting Lawrence Timmons, who are on the same football team, not of which is the one you root for. Again...batshit insanity.

Oh but you still suck by proxy for the NASCAR thing.

mister d · Post by **mister d** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 12:55 pm

Only the worst ones.

Brontoburglar · Post by **Brontoburglar** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 1:29 pm

I AM NUMBER 4!

(and I'm proud of the fact that the third-worst thing I've done happened in 2011 at the latest.)

Gunpowder · Post by **Gunpowder** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 1:34 pm

Brontoburglar wrote:I AM NUMBER 4!

(and I'm proud of the fact that the third-worst thing I've done happened in 2011 at the latest.)

Well you used to suck but now you're cool. So yeah, that's something to be proud of.

Jerloma · Post by **Jerloma** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 2:53 pm

TennBengal

Remember when we used to constantly be at each others' throats over football? Remember when you used to think the Bengals were going to stomp the Steelers? Before you realized that Marvin Lewis makes an obscene amount of questionable decisions? When you thought Chad Johnson was just a fun guy and great for the game and Carson Palmer was the 2nd coming? That was fucking fun. You actually gave me a reason to hate the Bengals...to care about them at all. Now you're just beaten the fuck down. I mean I suppose this whole self-deprecating Bengals fan shtick is endearing to some but for fuck's sake man, how about just a tad less cynicism? It really makes you suck and anyone who tells you different is lying to you.

Also, you willingly chose to move to Baltimore and Baltimore sucks like nothing else has ever sucked before. Everything in Baltimore sucks except perhaps Camden yards which probably isn't even in Baltimore but you're in Baltimore and therefore you have no choice but to suck. Like...bad.

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 2:58 pm

Holy fuck, that was 10 years ago? And Chris Henry!

tennbengal · Post by **tennbengal** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 3:04 pm

I predicted Bengals over Cowboys in Super Bowl and Dalton MVP for this year in the predictions thread. Course, I am depressed, so they are probably related.

Also, Marvin Lewis has beaten down a lot of us. I might be assimilating. He is the borg.

Ryan · Post by **Ryan** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 3:43 pm

You're running out of steam already and you've promised every swamper. Or maybe they're still funny, I don't really care.

Jerloma · Post by **Jerloma** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 3:45 pm

Ryan wrote:You're running out of steam already and you've promised every swamper. Or maybe they're still funny, I don't really care.

Dude, I'm giving myself at least until the economy collapses.

P.D.X. · Post by **P.D.X.** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 3:50 pm

Jerloma wrote:Oh, and after a night of drinking, my phone woke me up way too early this morning so it could tell me it's your birthday. That made me hate you. Nobody cares. The ones that pretend to care are lying.

That explains why none of my booty calls are responding to my mid-week ping texts. Sigh.

Brontoburglar · Post by **Brontoburglar** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 4:22 pm

Gunpowder wrote:
Brontoburglar wrote:I AM NUMBER 4!

(and I'm proud of the fact that the third-worst thing I've done happened in 2011 at the latest.)

Well you used to suck but now you're cool. So yeah, that's something to be proud of.

Like a swamp butterfly

Jerloma · Post by **Jerloma** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 4:25 pm

An Echidna

What the fuck even are you? You're like some sort of mutant platypus as far as I can tell which is crazy because platypi are already mutant in their own right. Of course, dudes aren't supposed to lay eggs and there's a reason that evolution gave you all of those spines, yet when you feel threatened you dig a hole and hide in it like a giant pussy. You're so insignificant in the animal kingdom tnat spell-check doesn't even recognize you! According to my keyboard, you cease to fucking exist which according to my calculations should be happening in reality any time now. Also, everyone knows an echidna is a snake-woman. You have no right to sully that name with your nonsense. You really do suck, An Echidna.

>

Brontoburglar · Post by **Brontoburglar** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 4:27 pm

No. 4 doesn't seem so good when No. 6 is a swamper's alias.

Jerloma · Post by **Jerloma** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 4:40 pm

Brontoburglar wrote:No. 4 doesn't seem so good when No. 6 is a swamper's alias.

The order is completely arbitrary. You all suck pretty much equally. Except BSF...that guy's the worst.

Johnny Carwash · Post by **Johnny Carwash** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 4:42 pm

Watch out, Ham Sandwich.

bfj · Post by **bfj** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 5:43 pm

Jerloma wrote: How about the time that fucking Dierdorf said that Hines Ward did something as the moving pictures on the TV show Hines Ward not doing that thing and because you're a fucking slave to Dierdorf (12 Years a Dierdorf)

He's right that's Dierdorf thing isn't funny.

howard · Post by **howard** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 5:54 pm

Jerloma wrote:
Ryan wrote:You're running out of steam already and you've promised every swamper. Or maybe they're still funny, I don't really care.
Dude, I'm giving myself at least until the economy collapses.

Um, you better pick up the pace

TT2.0 · Post by **TT2.0** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 6:21 pm

Im really hoping i make this list

Gunpowder · Post by **Gunpowder** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 6:51 pm

Well the list is "every" swamper, so you should be good.

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 6:59 pm

Oh, man. I can't wait to see J-Lo nail Ojo. This is going to be great!

Brontoburglar · Post by **Brontoburglar** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 10:24 pm

The Sybian wrote:Oh, man. I can't wait to see J-Lo nail Ojo. This is going to be great!

Dave in NYC too.

Jerloma · Post by **Jerloma** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 10:30 pm

Who was that abrasive Asian dude who always posted pictures of himself? Is that Ojo?

cerrano · Post by **cerrano** » Thu Sep 17, 2015 10:41 pm

Jerloma wrote:Who was that abrasive Asian dude who always posted pictures of himself? Is that Ojo?

Brooshkin?

BSF21 · Post by **BSF21** » Fri Sep 18, 2015 12:04 am

Ryan

Fuck you in general. For beating me to the goddamn top of the hill only thing I've ever dreamed about goal. Fuck you for being intelligent. Fuck you for some east coast bullshit. Fuck you for associating with a team I shouldn't care about but because it gave me a reason to visit my pops when him and my mum were separated, fuck you.

Fuck Howard for being so goddamn accessible. Fuck hdo and duff and all other fake and real Hoosiers.

Fuck AB, in general.

Fuck Rush, most of all. Above all else. Fuck Rush and his too hot for him wife and his perfect little spawn.

Miss you kids. It's nice to remember why I hate you fucks. I'm fucking, a dude, ok???

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Fri Sep 18, 2015 2:05 pm

cerrano wrote:
Jerloma wrote:Who was that abrasive Asian dude who always posted pictures of himself? Is that Ojo?
Brooshkin?

Yep

Jerloma · Post by **Jerloma** » Mon Sep 21, 2015 11:27 am

L-Jam

L-Jam has this habit of making really ambiguous statements/questions that aren't necessarily jabs but come off as things just thrown out there to make other people nod their heads in agreement while really saying nothing of substance at all. Then when you ask him about it, he just ignores you because he was never interested in discourse anyway. This is trolling. L-Jam is a troll. He sucks for that.

What the fuck is it with Italian-Americans that makes them so hellbent on identifying with the country of their grandparents or beyond than the country by which they are a citizen? No other nationality does this quite like the Italians. The deification of the mafia has to stop too. Look at this picture on the Atwells Ave off ramp leading into Federal Hill in Providence. Those are all criminals. Thugs! Murderers! Yet they fucking honor them! That's insane. What do they have in common though? You can bet your ass that their name ends in a vowel. Now, did L-Jam paint that mural? No. But do you ever see him condemning it? No. Therefore, he's part of the problem.

Looks like a douche in a bowtie.

Gunpowder · Post by **Gunpowder** » Mon Sep 21, 2015 11:51 am

Bo Dietl seems a litttttttle bit more lax on the mob than on, say, teenagers who don't follow police instructions to his liking.

Jerloma · Post by **Jerloma** » Mon Sep 21, 2015 12:06 pm

BSF

Where to begin. Let's start here...

Colts Haters - Would you get over it? We are good, we've been good, we are going to continue being good. Peyton is the best thing that has ever happened to my sports life and I don't give a shit if he makes weird faces sometimes. We are a disciplined team that doesn't put up with bullshit from the players or anyone else within the organization. That's why we are good! You don't want to respect it? Keep using the Al Davis model and enjoy your 2-14 seasons from here to eternity for all I care.

Holy fuck. Know how BSF is always interrupting our Deflategate talks, screaming at everyone to get over it and that's not how the Colts won? It should be no surprise that he has a little Patriots apologism in him because reading that sentence, he may as well just buy a Brady jersey now. Insecure football fans crying about respect...every Patriot fan and BSF.

Lives in a place that doesn't have a baseball team so of all the teams to root for he picks the fucking Red Sox, lending even more credence to the earlier theory that he has a special place in his heart for that reprehensible fanbase.

So there's this scientist named LaMarck. Not sure if you've ever heard of him and it shouldn't be surprising because he's half a moron. See, LaMarck published a hypothesis for evolution in the early 19th century which showed that organisms developed and changed over time. This was nothing extremely new but he was the first one to have a mechanism. The mechanism worked like this: Animals will change over their lifetime and as they change they can somehow magically pass these changes onto their offspring. So in other words, you have a giraffe that needs to get leaves at the top of the azalea tree in order to survive. Over the course of their lives, some giraffes will try so hard that they'll actually stretch their fucking necks out and then when they have babies, the babies will already have the outstretched neck. He he had a good idea, but he just really sucked at it. It had no chance of going anywhere with him trying to explain it. Enter Natural Selection and we have the brilliant theory which is the cornerstone of all biological science today. This is what happened with the Random Thoughts thread. Take credit if you must but I am the fucking Darwin to your LaMarck.