The Swamp

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his damn wife."

Wes Welkah. He's a joke. Beat it, Welkah!

If there's a bad Hardy Astrom joke, I haven't heard it.

Just read in the paper that a man was admitted to hospital last night after accidentally getting six toy plastic horses lodged in his ass. Doctors said that his condition is stable.



/horseplay

Three grown men dressed as Iron Man, Batman and Spider-Man stand in the rain in Times Square.

My son told me this one:

Guy's in a doctor's office. Doctor walks in, guy asks what's wrong.

Doctor says "Mr. Jones, you're going to have to stop masturbating."

Guy is stunned. Asks "why? Why do I have to stop masturbating?"

Doctor says "So I can start the examination."

rass wrote:Three grown men dressed as Iron Man, Batman and Spider-Man stand in the rain in Times Square.

Only one rusts.

Person #1: Knock Knock
#2: Who's there?
#1: George Zimmerman
#2: George Zimmerman who?
#1: Congratulations, you are on the jury.

The Sybian wrote:Person #1: Knock Knock
#2: Who's there?
#1: George Zimmerman
#2: George Zimmerman who?
#1: Congratulations, you are on the jury.

Even worse, Don West followed that with "Nothing? That's funny!"

Hey, hey! What could be more appropriate at a murder trial than a bit of failed amateur comedy? Hey! Any of you jurors ever screwed in a lightbulb? Tight fit! <Rimshot> Take my client. Please!

Probably would have been less controversial if Zimmerman subsequently shot his lawyer. Justifiable solicitorcide.

Can I get a witness? Hey!

I have a friend who has become an addict. Strangely, his substance of choice is brake fluid. He says he can stop any time he wants.

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."



My wife didn't think it was that funny. Oh well, some can tell 'em, and some can't.

Scottie wrote:

The Sybian wrote:Person #1: Knock Knock
#2: Who's there?
#1: George Zimmerman
#2: George Zimmerman who?
#1: Congratulations, you are on the jury.

Even worse, Don West followed that with "Nothing? That's funny!"

Hey, hey! What could be more appropriate at a murder trial than a bit of failed amateur comedy? Hey! Any of you jurors ever screwed in a lightbulb? Tight fit! <Rimshot> Take my client. Please!

Probably would have been less controversial if Zimmerman subsequently shot his lawyer. Justifiable solicitorcide.

Can I get a witness? Hey!

Low point for the legal profession. Nothing like insulting the jury right out of the gate.

The Sybian wrote:

Scottie wrote:

The Sybian wrote:Person #1: Knock Knock
#2: Who's there?
#1: George Zimmerman
#2: George Zimmerman who?
#1: Congratulations, you are on the jury.

Even worse, Don West followed that with "Nothing? That's funny!"

Hey, hey! What could be more appropriate at a murder trial than a bit of failed amateur comedy? Hey! Any of you jurors ever screwed in a lightbulb? Tight fit! <Rimshot> Take my client. Please!

Probably would have been less controversial if Zimmerman subsequently shot his lawyer. Justifiable solicitorcide.

Can I get a witness? Hey!

Low point for the legal profession. Nothing like insulting the jury right out of the gate.

You think that 6 people who have never heard of George Zimmerman would be insulted by having that fact pointed out to them?

cerrano wrote:

The Sybian wrote:

Scottie wrote:Even worse, Don West followed that with "Nothing? That's funny!"

Hey, hey! What could be more appropriate at a murder trial than a bit of failed amateur comedy? Hey! Any of you jurors ever screwed in a lightbulb? Tight fit! <Rimshot> Take my client. Please!

Probably would have been less controversial if Zimmerman subsequently shot his lawyer. Justifiable solicitorcide.

Can I get a witness? Hey!

Low point for the legal profession. Nothing like insulting the jury right out of the gate.

You think that 6 people who have never heard of George Zimmerman would be insulted by having that fact pointed out to them?

None of them heard it, they were busy wondering why the Men's Wearhouse guy wasn't attending his own trial.

Guy is waiting nervously when the doctor comes in.

"Mr. Bloom, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?"

Bloom swallows hard - "Okay, I can take it... give me the bad news first."

"Well, your condition has become a lot worse, and I'm afraid that there's nothing more we can do for you."

"Nothing?! How much time do I have left?"

Doctor says "At the most, maybe six weeks."

"Oh God!" Shouts Bloom. "But what's the good news?"

Doctor points at his nurse. "See that hot nurse? We had the best sex last night."

Q: What does the big N in the centre of the field at Memorial Stadium in Lincoln stand for?


A:Knowledge.

..camaroing...

That's pretty funny, and clean enough to play for my boys. Thanks for posting.

My oldest, 5 minutes ago, "will you turn on that cuckoo guy" again?

From the Reddit discussion on the "Camaro" video:

Something similar happened to me once. I got a call from a worker at McDonalds. Before I can say a word she told me the whole story of what was going on and sounded extremely stressed out. Apparently the machine that cooks the fries caught on fire, the ATM machine stop working and they ran out of cash...LOL...all of this happened at the same time I asked her. She yelled YES!...Thats when I decided to make a executive decision and send everyone home WITH PAY...lmaooo...She said "are you serious?" I can here the joy in her voice. She shouts out to the whole staff "Dave said we can all go home with pay!". You can here the staff cheering in the background. Somewhere in some town a fully staffed McDonalds restaurant emptied out cause of me. A proud moment in my life. Wish I can see the surveillance footage and the looks on the customers face.

Camro J put in his two weeks yesterday.

A muslim, a socialist and an illegal immigrant walk into a bar.

Bartender says: "What'll it be, Mr. President?"

Rush2112 wrote:Q: What does the big N in the centre of the field at Memorial Stadium in Lincoln stand for?


A:Knowledge.

A) What does the "CH" in the face off circle at the Bell Centre (Where the Canadiens play) stand for?

B: "Centre Hice"

For the kids:

Q: Why did Tigger look in the bathroom?


A: To find Pooh!


My daughter is bringing Winnie the Pooh to show and tell tomorrow (teddy bear day). I suggested she tell that joke.

rass wrote:For the kids:

Q: Why did Tigger look in the bathroom?


A: To find Pooh!


My daughter is bringing Winnie the Pooh to show and tell tomorrow (teddy bear day). I suggested she tell that joke.

good thing its not tomato day.

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you,Dicky?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well,Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'

'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Brown?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Margaret Doyle?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Anne O' Neil?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'4 Months holiday and five good leads'.

Hilarious!

Here's dating tips from another faith...

Rabbi's giving his sermon and looks out into the congregation and he notices that one of his congregants (Gerald Schwartz) is sitting there with his head in his hands looking miserable. After the service, the Rabbi goes up to the guy and asks what's wrong.

"Rabbi, I'm 29 years old, and no matter which woman I'm dating, whenever I bring her home, my mother doesn't like her. She doesn't like the way they dress, the way they talk, the way they look or even the way they cook."

Rabbi thinks and then tells Gerald "Listen - here's what you do. You need to find a woman who looks like your mother. Who cooks like your mother, who talks like your mother and who dresses like your mother."

Gerald thinks for a moment and smiles. Finally, he has hope! "Rabbi, you're a genius! I'm going to try it."

A few months later, the Rabbi is giving his sermon and he looks out at the congregation and sees Gerald who looks more miserable than ever. So after the service, the Rabbi goes over to speak to him.

"Gerald. What happened?"

"Rabbi, I did exactly what you said: I found a wonderful woman who looks like my mother, who talks like my mother. She cooks like my mother and even dresses like my mother."

Rabbi says "so what's wrong?"

"My father don't like her."

Day at the Races.

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a Sydney casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman.

They got on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Randwick that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.

In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs.

The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front

In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch. He backed nothing.

After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4.

'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune?’

'Shit', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favorite was scratched!'

Oldie but a goodie.

Obviously a fictional story, because it is about success for the Raiders...

They had put together the perfect Oakland Raiders team. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. The GM had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka-boom!
"I've got to get this guy!" the GM said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Oakland Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in ages.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when the media asks him what he wants to do now that he has won the Super Bowl, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl."

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was kidnapped in broad daylight."

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says "...No... I'll never forgive you... for making us move to OAKLAND!"

We did Raider jokes earlier this season.\

howard wrote:

rass wrote:How many Raiders fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, we've gotten used to living in the Chargers' shadow?

What do you call a Raider with a Super Bowl Ring?

A thief.

ETA: I was looking for more online, and I noticed the Raiders don't even have a website. I thought that was odd, but then realized that requires stringing three Ws together.

You know why Sacramento doesn't have a professional football team? Because then the City of Oakland would want one.

I went to the funeral of a friend who drowned at sea last week. I took a lot of shit from his family about my floral tribute shaped like a life preserver, but like I said at the service, it's what he would have wanted...

60 short dumb-assed jokes

my faves:

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.

Why was the letter C afraid of the other letters?
They were Not-Cs.

Why can’t asian parents have white babies? Two wongs don’t make a white.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.

Loving that site, aren't you

I need a lesson to understand #13

I laughed way too hard at #4. And at #19 (which illustrates my dad to a t.) I need some help on #3, I don't get it.

Syb, Heisenberg is noted for an uncertainty principle, so he is uncertain if it is funny. Godel is known for incompleteness theorems, part of which says that the consistency of axioms cannot be proved from within the system, so he is unsure because he is in the joke. Chomsky is a linguist, so he's saying that the language used is the problem, not the joke itself.

At least that's my reading.

Edit: I had seen that one before and needed a refresher on Godel, so my reading is cheating a bit.

All right...#3...they're all logicians and the bartender asks if they "all want a beer"...the first cannot of course be certain that the other two want one, which must be true for the bartender's statement to be logically correct. But by answering "I don't know" he excludes the possibility that he does NOT want one, because he would have said "No" in that case as if he didn't want one, then they wouldn't have "all wanted a beer." Thus he must want one.

The second one goes through the same process, not knowing what the third wants, but since he also didn't answer "No" he must as well want one.

The third one, knowing that all the other iterations do want a beer based on their logical answers based on the information they had at the time, and that he also does, answers "Yes" because he has the most information available.