The Swamp

I'm not actually form Big Bone lick, anyway.

Johnny Carwash wrote: ↑Wed Mar 21, 2018 2:38 pm

A_B wrote: ↑Wed Mar 21, 2018 2:31 pm Another thing...us Big Bone Lickers don't like to be said to be from Florence, no matter what the ZIP code says. Big beef.

The game's database of place names is pretty huge, but apparently not big enough to include BBL, so I had to go with the closest place available. Similarly with GoodKarma who wanted to be from Put-in-Bay, OH but the closest was Toledo.

Surprisingly, the game actually had that weird-ass place in the Dutch Antilles that Nonlinear said he was from (is he really?)

It's the capital of that joint. But, no, I'm not from there. But for the purposes of being on the Holland Oats, it seems pretty awesome. If it needs to be more accurate you can plug in Ann Arbor or Tulsa, OK. Do you need access to my Facebook? https://www.facebook.com/jerry.irvine

rass wrote: ↑Wed Mar 21, 2018 7:48 am Shit, never sent a headshot. Feel free to grab something embarrassing off FB if not too late.

So for this, I already have all the initial cards generated, but if you get me a picture I can create a new one whenever and post.

e: If you missed it, there is a utility where I can import your face into the game based on a photo. Example below. Results are mixed. Kind of makes me look like Jimmy Kimmel, which I'm pretty sure I've never gotten in real life:

Yeah I bricked on submitting an image of myself. Because you know, all these pics are of me naked and that's just not going to help anybody sleep at night.

HOLLAND OATS - 2018

Baseball comes to the quiet shores of western Michigan as the Holland Oats replace the Athens Stoners, who went the way of the Seattle Pilots and relocated after a single forgettable season. The Oats embark on their inaugural campaign after a near-complete roster overhaul, bringing on a slew of rejected/disgruntled former members of the champion Burlington Sports Frogs, along with a few other new arrivals from around the league. Whether the Oats can mold this motley crew into a contending team promises to be one of the most compelling stories of the upcoming season.


STARTING LINEUP



2018 Salary: $535 K

Part-time urinal connoisseur rass is now set to be a full-time starting catcher after being dealt to the Oats. Spelling A_B last year against righties and after bourbon benders, rass had a fair season with the bat. He's not much of a power hitter, but will make consistent contact and won't strike out too often. He won't embarrass himself behind the plate, though his arm isn't the greatest.

Head Scout says: "rass is a motor mouth."




2018 Salary: $510K

Rams Fanny had a fine season for Burlington's AAA team, but a lack of opportunities on the major-league squad led him to request a trade to Holland, where he'll enter the season as the Oats' starting first baseman. Not projected as a big home run hitter, he does have good power to the gaps, and his performance in the minors suggests he should be able to hit for a solid average. Though spending most of his time at first, he has a strong enough arm to make an adequate catcher.

Head Scout says: "Rams Fanny is a classic overachiever."




2018 Salary: $7.1M

Along with raiding Burlington's roster, the Oats got a big boost to their lineup by prying Jerloma from his hometown Woonsocket Sealfisters, where he had an outstanding 2017 campaign. One of the league's best offensive second basemen, J-Lo can hit for both average and power and has good bat control, though he could learn to take a few more pitches. He has decent speed and is sure-handed, if not especially rangy, in the field.

Head Scout says: "Jerloma has great knowledge of the game."




2018 Salary: $6.5 M

sancarlos's slick fielding earned him a Gold Glove for the Sports Frogs, though he went unsigned after the season in a shameless act of ageism. After latching on with the Oats, the veteran shortstop is out for revenge, and by "revenge," I mean hitting .220 with 7 homers. sancarlos is a spotty contact hitter without too much power, but where he really shines is in the field, with excellent hands, good range, and a solid arm. Despite his age, he has above-average speed, but is sometimes prone to baserunning errors.

Head Scout (still) says: "sancarlos has no hustle."




2018 Salary: $765K

P.D.X. struggled to find playing time in Burlington with third base held down by durable All-Star Pruitt. After his move to Holland, P.D.X. is eager to show the league what he is made of, i.e. malted hops and bong resin. Scouts are high on P.D.X. as a potential future star, though at the present he struggles to make consistent contact. He has very good speed, though this has not yet translated into efficient basestealing. In the field, he is a fair third baseman with a good arm, who can also catch in a pinch.

Head Scout says: "P.D.X. never shows a lack of effort."




2018 Salary: $4.4 M

Mister D rebounded from an abysmal April and May to have a fair 2017 season overall, though he inexplicably rejected a generous extension offer from Burlington to sign with Holland. Mister D is about an average all-around hitter, with a good batting eye. While not fast, he is a competent outfielder and despite his self-proclaimed "fucked" elbow, has a very good throwing arm.

Head Scout says: "Mister D is thick headed."




2018 Salary: $6.1M

BSF21 was a highly touted prospect heading into last season for the Sports Frogs, but suffered through a frustrating rookie campaign that fittingly ended when he concussed himself diving for a catch in September. After being dealt to the Oats, he'll get a second chance, being penciled in as the starting CF. BSF has great tools, but at this stage of his career is still very raw. Scouts believe he could potentially be a solid power hitter, but needs to harness his swing and learn to make better contact. He is blazingly fast, though his instincts on the basepaths could be better. His great speed makes him a rangy outfielder, and his arm is more than adequate in center.

After characterizing BSF last year as "good-natured with a zest for life," the Head Scout has downgraded his assessment to: "Personable, if a bit dull."




2017 Salary: $6.0 M

Duff had a Jekyll-and-Hyde season last year, raking at an All-Star caliber clip for the first half before seeing his production nosedive in the second. After the Sports Frogs declined to re-sign him, he'll get a chance to show the good folks in Holland which is the "real" duff. The native Hoosier is a strong, aggressive hitter with a quick bat who figures to hit in the middle of the lineup. He has good power to all fields, as well the discipline to draw a good share of walks. He is a solid outfielder with a decent arm, but slow on the basepaths.

Head Scout says: "Duff is well-liked," though rumors circulate that he engages in vicious criticism of his teammates on unnamed message boards.

BENCH / PART-TIME STARTERS



2018 Salary: $510k (Contract Year)

Grizzled veteran Avram arrives from the rough streets of Philly to spell rass at the catcher spot. At bat, Avram will struggle to keep his average above the Mendoza Line, but he earns his paycheck behind the plate, with quick reflexes, solid instincts, and a strong arm.

Head Scout says: "Avram just goes about his business."




2018 Salary: $510k

The Sybian rides into Holland to back up the first base spot and serve as a useful pinch hitter. While not a prodigious slugger, Syb takes an aggressive approach at the plate and will rack up his fair share of extra-base hits. He is surprisingly nimble around the bag at first and can back up the corner outfield positions in a pinch.

Head Scout says: "The Sybian is a Steady Eddie. Shows up, does the job."




2018 Salary: $510k

A dual citizen of Colombia and New Jersey, elflaco gives the Oats depth at the middle infield positions. A fair hitter with occasional power, flaco's downfall is his tendency to chase high pitches out of the zone. With above-average speed and outstanding instincts, he makes an ideal pinch runner. He is an adequate fielder, though with a somewhat weak arm.

Head Scout says: "elflaco is plain vanilla."




2018 Salary: $561k

Square Rob is a classic "jack of all trades, master of none" who can play just about anywhere, if not at an especially high level. Nonetheless, his versatility makes him a useful asset. His compact swing and decent batting eye make him a tough out, though he lacks power. On the bases his speed is average, though he has a curious knack for making terrible decisions. His relatively strong arm makes third his best position.

Head Scout says: "Square Rob likes to fish in his spare time."




2018 Salary: $510k

Dutch Antilles native and free-spirited veteran Nonlinear FC figures to play a sizable role in the outfield, as he can cover all three positions. A slashing hitter, he'll rack up a good number of singles and doubles, though he has a tendency to get overzealous and strike out a little too often. With good speed, he is a heady runner and a competent outfielder. For what it's worth, he can occasionally leg out a hit on a bunt.

Head Scout says: "Nonlinear FC is a genuine goof. Kids love him."




2018 Salary: Minor League Contract

Longtime farmhand cerrano gets a chance to carve out a role for himself on a big-league club, backing up the outfield spots as well as first base. He is a so-so all-around hitter, though he does have a notable knack for drawing walks. His decent full-stride speed is undermined by a slow first step.

Head Scout says: "cerrano has good leadership skills."




2018 Salary: Minor League Contract

Another recent promotion to the roster, DaveInSeattle gives the Oats one more useful bat off the bench. Dave holds his own at the plate enough to see regular pinch-hitting duty, and should be able to occasionally knock one out. He can field the corner outfield spots adequately and is a fair runner.

Head Scout says: "DaveinSeattle likes to hear himself talk."

STARTING ROTATION



2018 Salary: $10.5 M

Days after celebrating the Sports Frogs' World Series victory, degenerasian shockingly elected to void the option year of his contract and become a free agent. The slick lefty will get a chance to prove his mettle as a staff ace after signing a hefty multi-year deal with the Oats. Not overpowering, degen has good all-around stuff, with a good changeup as his out pitch. His stamina, once questionable, showed improvement last year.

Head Scout says: "degenerasian has great knowledge of the game."




2018 Salary: $800k

Rush2112 did solid work last year bouncing around Burlington's bullpen, but frustration with a lack of a clear role led him to request a trade to Holland, where he'll take a regular spot in the rotation. Rush boasts a mid-90s fastball, with a good curveball and changeup, though he can be plagued by inconsistent command. He busts his ass keeping himself in shape, but has a low sense of loyalty.

Head Scout says: "His mind is not for rent, but don't put him down as arrogant."




2018 Salary: $24.2 M (Contract Year)

The Oats continued to bolster their starting rotation by acquiring crafty, if high-priced, veteran "Doc" howard, formerly of Fresno. The Doctor is an extreme groundball pitcher, relying on a mix of sinkers, forkballs, and sliders to bait hitters into banging balls into the dirt, though he'll rack up his fair share of K's as well. howard also wields the bat fairly well for a pitcher, with a .247 average last year.

Head Scout says: "howard is to the team as 'pop' is to the champagne."




2018 Salary: $4.4 M (Contract Year)

Another hardy veteran arm, steve should eat up a good share of innings for the Oats with solid if unspectacular results. steve keeps hitters on their toes with a sneaky delivery and an expansive arsenal of pitches, topped by a fastball that still hits the mid-90s. His control is just so-so, however. He's one of the best in the business at laying down a sac bunt.

Head Scout says: "steve is a model of hard work and effort."




2018 Salary: $510k

blundercrush was a capable starter for Burlington's AAA team last year, but responded to his September call-up by audaciously demanding a spot in the starting rotation, which likely accelerated his way out of town. blundercrush tosses a wide variety of pitches, though only his slider can be called above average at this point. His control is inconsistent and he'll need to improve his stamina if he wants to stay in the rotation.

Head Scout says: "blundercrush is diplomatic."

BULLPEN



2018 Salary: $535k

The pride of Revere, Johnnie couldn't stop gloating about the few weeks he spent as the Sports Frogs' temporary closer, though the results were mixed. After being shipped off to Holland, he'll get the chance to back up his bluster on a full-time basis. Johnnie doesn't have overpowering stuff, but has good movement and uses his changeup and sinker to induce more ground balls than a pair of sandpaper boxer shorts.

Head Scout says, "Johnnie puts in long hours."




2018 Salary: $561k

teeteebee put in a good showing as the closer for Burlington's AAA team last year, and now figures to play an important role in the Oats' bullpen. He has a good cut fastball and slider, along with a changeup that's recently been upgraded from "shitty" to "league average." His stuff and movement are solid, but he sometimes struggles with command.

Head Scout says: "teeteebee never gets caught up in the hype."




2018 Salary: $510k

Shattering the league's gender barrier is Moreta, who will no doubt be the subject of multiple Barstool columns the first time she has a subpar outing. Moreta's limited but potent arsenal features a blistering fastball that nears 100 MPH, along with a solid splitfinger as a change of pace. She gets good movement on both pitches, but her control is just about average.

Head Scout says: "Moreta is seen as a leader in the clubhouse."




2018 Salary: $510k

Hailing from Ffucjonellwygh, Wales, Tom 1860 brings another capable arm to the middle of the bullpen. Tom has good command of superior if raw stuff, using his animated delivery to challenge hitters with his cut fastball and sweeping breaking ball. He possesses the stamina to be a potential starter, though it would likely be best for him to expand his repertoire first.

Head Scout says: "Tom 1860 cherishes his privacy and can't wait to leave after a game."




2018 Salary: $510k

Lefty specialist TheHumanComa will draw from his experience of Quebec bar fights to prepare himself for the trials and tribulations of being a middle reliever. THC uses a cutter-and-curve combo and good control to garner a decent amount of strikeouts, though his pitches sometimes have a tendency to flatten out and leave him susceptible to serving up HRs.

Head Scout says: "TheHumanComa is slow to learn from experience."

Square Rob rules

Head Scout says: "His mind is not for rent, but don't put him down as arrogant."

Don't pretend like we aren't paying attention. +1

A female MLB pitcher with a 100 mph fastball would be one of the most famous athletes on Earth. Go Moreta!

I only criticize 3B fucktards from Toronto.

duff wrote: ↑Thu Mar 22, 2018 8:03 am I only criticize 3B fucktards from Toronto.

And think every player from Japan is amazing.

Well, this has quickly rocketed to the top of the "weird things I am totally in to that I can't really explain to my wife" list.

Nonlinear FC wrote: ↑Thu Mar 22, 2018 9:14 am Well, this has quickly rocketed to the top of the "weird things I am totally in to that I can't really explain to my wife" list.

Yeah but at least it knocks stepmom porn down a notch

Sabo wrote: ↑Thu Mar 22, 2018 7:47 am A female MLB pitcher with a 100 mph fastball would be one of the most famous athletes on Earth. Go Moreta!

or a short lived Fox TV series with Zach Morris as a catcher long in the tooth.

So the new version of the game came out today and one of the new features is that pitchers now have specific arm angles for delivery (over the top/three quarter/sidearm/submarine). This has a minor effect on gameplay.

If you are a pitcher and want a specific arm angle, let me know and I'll put it in the game.

Over the top, please. Goes perfectly with my drop-and-drive delivery.

I swing submarine

That's not a Shape of Water joke

I'd ask for a Luis Tiant - Mark Fidrych type of deal.

over the top for me as well

Wanted to thank Johnny for the insane amount of work this takes. I got a lot of amusement reading all the profiles.

"Bird Killer" please

Rush2112 wrote: ↑Thu Mar 22, 2018 4:11 pm "Bird Killer" please

Should I interpret this to mean over-the-top, or Randy Johnson-style sidearm?

The latter.

Standard arm slot here.

So I'm running some quick simulated seasons to make sure the settings are optimized and won't result in too many wonky numbers. I got an instance where BSF stole 22 bases but was caught stealing 25 times.

Also, after importing into the new game, a number of players' personality summaries got updated:

- govmentchedda is a barrel of laughs.
- tennbengal has been called humdrum.
- Shirley has a knack for doing impersonations.
- Giff is born to be a captain of men.
- Pruitt is an outstanding representative of the team. The fans love him.
- Ryan is comfortable in front of a camera.
- DSafetyGuy knows how to fit in.
- Sabo is exceptionally unexceptional.
- TT2.0 is mild-mannered on and off the field.

- steve is Mr. Hustle.
- teeteebee walks the talk.
- Avram is often told he looks familiar.
- rass enjoys playing the devil's advocate.
- The Sybian is always up for a good came of cards with teammates.
- Square Rob likes to do crossword puzzles in his square time.
- There is nothing ever uncommon about BSF21.
- Nonlinear FC is usually at the center of whatever hijinks are going on.
- DaveInSeattle is too cocksure for his own good.
- blundercrush either internalizes or is too impersonal.

Johnny Carwash wrote: ↑Thu Mar 22, 2018 2:19 pm So the new version of the game came out today and one of the new features is that pitchers now have specific arm angles for delivery (over the top/three quarter/sidearm/submarine). This has a minor effect on gameplay.

If you are a pitcher and want a specific arm angle, let me know and I'll put it in the game.

Hoping none of the frogs use the inverted W but all of the Oats do...
http://www.chrisoleary.com/projects/pit ... rtedW.html

..and yes I know this is considered b.s. by some.

Johnny Carwash wrote: ↑Fri Mar 23, 2018 7:18 am So I'm running some quick simulated seasons to make sure the settings are optimized and won't result in too many wonky numbers. I got an instance where BSF stole 22 bases but was caught stealing 25 times.

Also, after importing into the new game, a number of players' personality summaries got updated:

- Nonlinear FC is usually at the center of whatever hijinks are going on.

Fairly accurate description IRL, particularly the two summers I played Legion ball. SO MUCH IDLE TIME. That team was stacked, so everyone platooned and we almost always played double headers.

We were so obnoxious with our razzing. Like, making fun of people's numbers for no reason. "OH, look at MR. BIGSHOT... 'I'm number 7, I must be the coaches son to get that number.' You're SPOILED #7! You're soft!"

We had one guy that was just legendary with his one liners. My favorite thing he did was sing circus/calliope music when the other team started throwing the ball away. Derivative of "pitch a tent over this circus" he would do it right as the other team had finished with all the "shake it off, get the next one" clap-trap.

Then someone start with the "step right up, folks!"

It would usually devolve into us picking the ugliest guy and moving into a "freak show" riff.




And now I kind of feel bad.

Just want to pop in and say "fuck Burlington".

mister d wrote: ↑Fri Mar 23, 2018 11:10 am Just want to pop in and say "fuck Burlington's backup catcher's wife".

Dude, she HATES The National.

I weirdly don't begrudge anyone who hates them. I obviously disagree, but I get it.

Here are some names of players from around our league. Have fun:

Hugo "Ape" Carandini
Jamie "Bananas" Williamson
Jeff "Barracuda" Jones
Jon "Beefsteak" Walters
Hector "Big Kahuna" Valenzuela
Dobbe "Bootleg" Hendriks
Joe "The Brick" Stelmaszek
Bobby "Bug Eyes" Sotelo
Dustin "Busboy" Van Winkle
Edwin "Cabfare" Vidal
Brad "Chuckwagon" Barger
Brendan "Coyote" Nogowski
Steve "Dump Truck" Campos
Manny "Gigolo" Pizano
Jose "Hamburger" Martinez
Ozzie "Ice Box" Herrera
Julio "Moby Dick" Pena
Pedro "Mushy" Castillo
Cody "Neanderthal" DeSantis
Chia-Liang "Pasta" Qiao
Dashawn "Pickles" Walker
Isaiah "Puke" Thomas
Katsunari "Slippery" Aoki
Dave "Tadpole" Donelson
Bill "Toucan" Jinenez
Gil "Tumbleweed" Dix
Tony "Twinkletoes" Quinones
Felipe "Vermin" Brito
C.J. "Weed" Clegg

Seems like we need more nicknames on the Sportsfrogs and the Oats. (But, I guess that are all already nicknames.)

Gun "Flavor Cannon" Powder

Nonlinear FC wrote: ↑Fri Mar 23, 2018 10:55 am
We were so obnoxious with our razzing. Like, making fun of people's numbers for no reason. "OH, look at MR. BIGSHOT... 'I'm number 7, I must be the coaches son to get that number.' You're SPOILED #7! You're soft!"

Johnny Carwash wrote: ↑Fri Mar 23, 2018 11:32 am
Chia-Liang "Pasta" Qiao

So many questions...

Isaiah "Puke" Thomas


That's... unfortunate.

Nonlinear FC wrote: ↑Fri Mar 23, 2018 1:00 pm Isaiah "Puke" Thomas


That's... unfortunate.

He hangs out with his friends, Ape, Bug Eyes, and Vermin.

Johnny Carwash wrote: ↑Thu Mar 22, 2018 6:58 amHailing from Ffucjonellwygh, Wales, Tom 1860...

I'm sad that nobody got this.