The Swamp

I have a problem. More specifically, I am a drug addict. Vicodin mostly, I dabble in other painkillers from time to time, but thats not particularly relevant to this. I was sitting up late monday night, about 530am, wondering why i wasnt asleep since I had to go to work in three hours, and the answer hit me like a ton of bricks...Im not sleeping because Im afraid I wont wake up. Ive been going at this too hard for too long. Physically I am miserable, mentally my brain ia constantly attacking me. I recognize that whatever it is in me that makes me different, I cant quit on my own. I need help. I start at a rehab\detox progrqm this monday, and I see a doc on wednesday to start a suboxone detox under medical supervision, assuming i can figure out the financial logistics between now and then. I say all that to say Im not going to be around for a bit probably, or maybe i will. imdont know. ive never made it this far before. Since 2003 the longest ive been clean is 11 days. I average between 20-30 vicodin a day, and ive had bigger days before. Im tired and scared and hurting and i dont even trust my own brain to tell me ehats real and what isnt anymore. I dont even really know why im typing all of this except to say Im genuinely sorry for being a dick most of the time. Im hoping maybe there is a person inside of me that isnt a piece of shit when i sober up. maybe, maybe not. Anyways, thanks for listening guys

good luck and godspeed dude

TT, good luck with getting clean. The fact you were able to identify you have a problem is a positive first step. If you truly want to get yourself out of your predicament, throw yourself into the rehab process. As long as you truly commit to the process, you'll come out better in the long run.

Seriously, good luck with this. Addiction sucks, but you can defeat it.

Good luck, TT. I'm glad you're taking steps to fight this.

Best of luck, man.

Can't add too much more than echoing what the others here have said. I don't know-know you, but from what I've seen from your Facebook it looks like you have a lot of people that care about you, especially your fiancee. Use them as motivation to take care of yourself. Good luck dude.

Also, I've always thought you were a good guy who just pretended to be a dick. Vastly preferable to the other way around.

The best answer I can give you guys to "why now" is I really dont know. Its like a switch flipped in my head. Im tired. all the fucking time. I can easily blink and realize i havent slwpt in two or three days and eaten for 4. im tired of every dime i make feeding a habit i get nothing out of. im tired of actively hating myself. Im trying to do this. I really am, but no insurance and being a man has been...difficult. There are a lot of resources for women, but if you are a man it pretty much seems to be fuck you. Even with everything i could do its still gonna be 150$ a week for 6 weeks, plus i itial doc visit plus whatever the script for suboxone costs. Right now Im pretty sure I will be able to figure out the 150$, assuming they let me defer some payments but I still have to figure out the doc thing before wednesday. In hindsight i wish i hadnt broke down, and had kept my shit together long enough to have made a plan for this,but i didnt and im here now. I will figure somethingout. I have to. Im just tired and sick and hurting and scared and everything is just a lot right now. I used to tell myself i was waiting so i didnt hurt my parents but jesus i cant fucking wait anymore. If I dont do this right now I might not get another chance. I dont want to burn anymore relationships or bridges. I would like to look in the mirror and not hate what i see.I want a lot of things, whether I deserve them or not is a completely different arguement

mister d wrote: ↑Fri Mar 08, 2019 3:36 pm Best of luck, man.

thanks man. I know we've had our differences but I appreciate you saying that

Prayers way up. Go get better.

Im also being pretty open about this for a specific set of reasons. One, I am tired of lying. I have been lying about drugs for years. Im tired of lying and hiding, and honestly as much as I hate myself right now, Everytime someone posts support for me it makes me feel a bit better, like there is one more person i havent completely ruined a friendship or relationship with, and also the more people i tell, the more people there will be to keep me from going back if i ever get out of this cycle. Im tired of being afraid to die and im tired of usuing people for this habit. I just....it has to stop one way or the other.

Good luck buddy.

May you find the help that you need.

Wishing you all the best and strength to beat this. Remember it's a journey and to just keep moving forward...even if the gains feel small progress is what matters.

Good luck

Good luck my friend. Glad you're choosing this path to follow.

Good luck, TT. You can do it. One of my brothers was a horrible alcoholic like they make movies about, and now he's completely turned his life around and hasn't had a drink in 10 years. So, I've seen it happen. If you don't fix yourself you already know you could end up like my other, late, brother. Seriously.

You probably have reserves of strength you're not even aware of and you WILL get through this. Hang tough and good luck.

GoodKarma wrote: ↑Fri Mar 08, 2019 3:58 pm Wishing you all the best and strength to beat this. Remember it's a journey and to just keep moving forward...even if the gains feel small progress is what matters.

This. I tell people all the time that baby steps are still steps forward.

One of the bigger issues with this is that im learning vicodin manufactures pain in your brain. Its weird in that im being sincerely honest when I say i hurt all the time, but also factually knowing my brain is chemically lying to me...but it still hurts. I cant trust my brain right now...how do you function in the world when you literally cant tell the difference between reality and fiction anymore? Whats real? Am i even reqlly typing this right now or did i just think i did it? Like...Everything is questionable. Its insane. i might be insane. i dont know anymore

Dammit, I was ready to start my "x number of days TT.2 has been sober" joke.

Seriously man, good luck. It sounds like you have an amazing woman in your life and I bet deep down that's what's triggering this. I hope it wasn't something bad with her that did trigger it. Hope all is well and we'll have to finally catch-up and watch the Rockets take down the Warriors in a couple months.

Good luck TT. Find your road out of where you are now, and keep facing forward once you start down the path.

This is a massive first step. Monday is not the far away.

Are there Narcotics Anonymous types of organizations near you that can help?

Good luck - you have a lot of people pulling for you.

Surround yourself with people who love you because you will need them.

Best of luck!

Just know we are all pulling for you. The fact that you want to get help is the biggest thing. There is no shame in admitting the problem and asking for help, in fact, I think that is the most difficult step. I've read your Facebook posts and your friends' responses, and I see there are lots of people who love you and want to help you. I've always thought you were a good guy with a dark sense of humor, and you make me laugh.

I'm proud of you for taking this step, and owning it. Feel free to reach out if you need to vent. When things get hard, just remember the reasons for wanting to kick the habit, and remind yourself why it's time to move on.

Best of luck man, we're all pulling for you.

Good luck, TT. Detox from Vicodin is pretty brutal I'd imagine.

How the hell do you even have access to 100-150 mgs (assuming they're 5's) a day? That can't be a script, right?

Also, is their actual pain that you still need to manage?

Being able to recognize this and knowing you have to change is quite possibly the biggest hurdle. Stay positive. It's going to be tough, but you can and will get through it. We all believe in you. You're going to get better. Good luck, man.

Jerloma wrote: ↑Mon Mar 11, 2019 9:55 am Good luck, TT. Detox from Vicodin is pretty brutal I'd imagine.

How the hell do you even have access to 100-150 mgs (assuming they're 5's) a day? That can't be a script, right?

Also, is their actual pain that you still need to manage?

To address your questions in order.

First off....they aint five mgs bro. Second, not a script. Always bought street. between 8-10 per pill depending on dealer/color/maker. I dont know how much of pain is real and in my head. The detox is...lets just leave it at its worse than you think. As to the literal logistical how, if your addiction depends on poker, you become goddamn good at poker.

TT2.0 wrote: ↑Mon Mar 11, 2019 10:41 am

Jerloma wrote: ↑Mon Mar 11, 2019 9:55 am Good luck, TT. Detox from Vicodin is pretty brutal I'd imagine.

How the hell do you even have access to 100-150 mgs (assuming they're 5's) a day? That can't be a script, right?

Also, is their actual pain that you still need to manage?

To address your questions in order.

First off....they aint five mgs bro. Second, not a script. Always bought street. between 8-10 per pill depending on dealer/color/maker. I dont know how much of pain is real and in my head. The detox is...lets just leave it at its worse than you think. As to the literal logistical how, if your addiction depends on poker, you become goddamn good at poker.

I'll echo everyone's sentiments here. I hope you take your time and get well. I think it's starting from a good place where you're not so much looking to be high as to feel normal. It's a good place to start from because, and I say this after watching 100s of Opioid and Heroin addicts walk through our doors at a clinic job I worked, this is going to be entirely based on your will and want to get clean. There's no soft detox from this regardless of what anyone tells you. This is going to hurt, but you're exactly right in your assessment that it's your brain lying to you about hurt. Addiction lies and rewires your brain to thing certain things are real. But you're going to need to lean on people. Your friends, your fiancee, your family if you've got it. You're going to need to be broken before then and tell them they need to help you be accountable. To stay with you, to make sure you're not going to say "well I'll just get one or two to take the edge off". You owe this to yourself and if you care about her the way I see you talk, to your future wife. There's no easy fix and no easy days here, but you WILL feel better and you will be normal again. You just need to take the correct amount of time. Stay away from enablers. If that means you need to stay away from the poker club because you have known contacts there, then you need to do that. Alcoholics don't hang out in bars when they're trying to get sober. Start exercising as much as you can. Eat clean. These will help the transition.

We're all pulling for you buddy. You can do this.

Good luck, man.

so i have to say today was the best day ive had for my sanity in awhile. i figured out the financial logistics of living\detoxing\affording rehab for the next few weeks. i can breathe on that. i finally had the conversation with my mother ive dreaded. it went better then i couldve hoped. all of the things that i worried could stop this have fallen into place. i feel like i have a fighting chance now. everyone is good with me using an herbal remedy for the detox, down to my Aa supports. weed isnt my issue. never was, and god forbid i somehow get addicted to pot then ill fucking stop when the grocery bill gets out of hand. most importantly, its the end of another day and i am still sober (by my standard, which is and will continue to be until the detox is over, no pills. period.)

That is really encouraging news.

Thanks for the update.

Get after it TT...lots of care and support here...use it.
Looking forward to celebrating some more positive milestones with you.

TT2.0 wrote: ↑Tue Mar 12, 2019 12:49 amand god forbid i somehow get addicted to pot then ill fucking stop when the grocery bill gets out of hand.

If it gets this far, let us know. Pruitt and Ljam were on Jeopardy.

Ryan wrote: ↑Tue Mar 12, 2019 7:16 am

TT2.0 wrote: ↑Tue Mar 12, 2019 12:49 amand god forbid i somehow get addicted to pot then ill fucking stop when the grocery bill gets out of hand.

If it gets this far, let us know. Pruitt and Ljam were on Jeopardy.

Ive forgotton many things, but im pretty sure i will always remember DTW.

Hey TT, saw your Facebook post and glad to see it's going well for you. Stick with it.

Johnny Carwash wrote: ↑Wed Mar 13, 2019 10:46 am Hey TT, saw your Facebook post and glad to see it's going well for you. Stick with it.

Wow. Just now seeing this. I saw a picture you posted on Facebook where you look very unhealthy. I didn't realize the reason why.

As others have said, I'm extremely glad you're working to fix this.

You have help on this board if you need it. Don't be afraid to ask.

I appreciate all of you sincerely. Im going to speak candidly for a bit, because i can here and nobody from home will read it.

On the personal side, i got into the doctor today, with my blood pressure and testosterone levels where they are, and the amount of pain and symptoms im having, he doesnt think a cold turkey detox is medically safe, and wants me to do an 8 day Suboxone taper. I have mixed emotions about using a detox crutch, but reality is im out of money, as of tomorrow im out of weed and my pain right now even stoned on weed and on suboxone is a solid 7.5...but im not puking as much, the suboxone does help take a bit of the edge off. I have no complaints about whether or not it helps, and im also proud that i have a drug in my house that i am actually taking as prescribed by a doc and on a schedule that he prescribed and not only have i not abused it, i havent even wanted to.

A lot of people are offering me "help".I honestly dont know what that means to people. I dont know if they mean sporitually, financially, time, friendship...like how do you ask for help without feeling like you are taking advantage of peoples love. I dont want to fucking hurt and use people. Ive hurt enough people with this habit. Unfortunately, the reality of my life right now is in addition to the strain ive put on my physical and mental health, this habit has been destructive as fuck financially. My mom bought me a hundred bucks worth of groceries and said as long as im working the program she will make sure we dont go hungry.So in that aspect of the detox, we are okay. We live in a home that we only pay property tax on. We will not go homeless. Unfortunately for the next few days I physically cannot go work. I cant even help dig us out of the hole. My treatment costs 150$ a week. I have to pay that friday to stay in the program for this week, and 150$ next week on monday. The light bill disconnection letter should be in the mail any day now. Thats 180$. I do not know where I am going to get that money. I do not know how Im going to pay the internet bill. Thats 70$ I dont know where im going to find. Ashley has 2 more weeks of class for her job training program, and realistically maybe two weeks after that til she gets hired, if we are lucky. My car has some kind of check engine light oil leak situation going on. i paid 150$ two weeks ago to have it "fixed" and it worked perfect until yesterday and its fucking doing it again which means i cant afford to fix it but i cant afford to not drive to therspy but at some point very soon I am going to be without a car and this means I am fucked to go back to work even when i physically can so the money hole is going to get worse. I picked the worst fucking time logistically to try this. If i could have held my shit together a few more days I could have started planning for this. I did not. Please understand Im not writing this asking for money. I really am not. I dont know the how exactly yet, but I will find a way. I am writing this because everybody keeps fucking asking me if Im okay and Im fucking not and these are the things in my life that are scaring and stressing me and i just fucking needed to talk about it for a minute. Im sorry Im trying to justnsay what i mean and i keep reading what im writing and i cant get any of it to sound right. I just needed to say it i guess. Thank you for listening\reading. it sincerely helps

Also I do realize, as it was so eloquently pointed out to me by a friend of mine, all i seem to do lately is talk about rehab and sobriety, and that can irritate people. I guess its just kind of a weird consequence of the internet era that a sports forum gets ringside seats to a realtime broadcast of my own personal rock bottom. There are people in my life who care enough about me that they want to know what is going on, and im just tired of lying about how I feel everyday. The unfortunate consequence of that is I end up saying things to you guys that i realize i really shouldnt just dump onto other people, but this place is a rare place where i have real, genuine friendships with people but also I dont have to see you guys everyday and look you in the eyes everyday. None of you are going to go gossip to my family, so it feels like I can just write here when I need to get shit out of my head. I do realize its probably uncomfortable to read some of this stuff and Im sorry for that, and if I start to irritate the shit out of you guys with sobriety talk and personal mental health issues then just tell me. I promise not to go all Scottie on you guys and delete the Swamp.