The Swamp

For those of us who have lost close family members. Do you visit the cemetery where your loved ones are buried? How often?

I ask this because I visited my father's grave for the first time in probably a dozen years the other day. My wife, who lost her mom a year ago, visited her mom's grave and I accompanied her and held her as she cried. I felt a little jealous. I've never had an emotional reaction at my father's grave, except when he was being buried (naturally). I've visited the stone at random points, like after other funerals or when I was in the neighborhood and...nothing. It is just a rock to me. The memories of him make me sad/happy/depressed, but I don't need to be standing on a hill in the middle of Rosedale, MD to feel those memories. Does anyone else here visit their loved ones on a regular basis? I feel like a bad son when I don't go, because I know my father would go visit his parents' graves multiple times/year.

These are the things I think of while sitting next to my son during "school".

I go visit my mom's grave a few times a year. Mother's Day, her birthday, during the high holidays (hebrew calendar day of her death was yesterday - right between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur). Once in a while, I'll drive the half hour just to hang out and walk through the cemetery.

It's a huge, beautiful place in the country, and she's a couple of rows away from a friend of mine, my father in law is close by, and there are a lot of other people I knew in there, so I tend to make the rounds and say hi.

Sometimes I tear up, sometimes I don't. But I find it kind of therapeutic to tell her what's going on in my life and the lives of her grandchildren.

But to each their own. My Toronto based siblings never visit unless they're up there for a funeral. And they were a great son and a great daughter and they miss her terribly.

We honour our deceased loved ones with how we live our lives. Putting a rock on a tombstone is nice, but not significant. I wouldn't feel bad about it if I were you..

I have only my two grandparents to consider visiting - my mother was cremated. It's in my hometown and I don't end up there very often. I did stop once a few years ago when I was dealing with my mom's house sale, but I couldn't even find their places anymore. My mom never got actual headstones put up, so it's just foot markers and I couldn't find either of them even though they are side by side and I am 98% positive I was in the right spot.

Mrs. Sabo and I occasionally visit her parents' grave sites, but we don't do it on a particular day like birthdays, anniversaries or such. Usually we only stay a few minutes before Mrs. Sabo starts to tear up and wants to leave.

Mrs. Sabo also is into genealogy, and we've been going to other cemeteries to find older ancestors. We visited one last month and found her maternal grandparents' grave, two other immediate family members and a handful of cousins. She wants to visit a couple of others in the area as well as a couple in New York City.

Pruitt wrote: ↑Wed Sep 23, 2020 10:41 amBut to each their own.

Agreed.

I don't visit where my dad's parents are buried, even though it's not far away. We spread my maternal grandfather's ashes at the beach, and I've been back there a ton, but couldn't tell you the exact spot where we spread his ashes. My maternal grandmother just turned 101 a few months ago.

My parents are alive but I was close with my grandparents and I visit their graves when I can when I'm back in OH so it ends up being once every few years or so. I don't feel much in terms of emotion (but I don't feel much of anything about anything because that's just who I am) but I do take a minute to kind center myself and think about the time I got spend with them. I also stop for logic reason...to make sure the grave stones/area are clean and/or to see what has changed in the area because I like doing that kind of stuff. I also drive by their old houses.

My FIL who was what I call small-town religious died about 13 years ago...he told us not to stop by his grave...he said he wouldn't be there.

I'm fortunate to have not lost a parent, child, or sibling yet, so I haven't really felt a need. I don't even know where my grandparents are buried.

But the whole idea of cemeteries kind of bothers me. I mean, not really the "idea." I like the idea of a place and a monument for the dead. But the physical manifestation of that just seems like a bad solution. It's probably the programmer in me, but this is an unbounded problem. We never really get rid of graveyards - it's a problem for a lot of new construction - people are gonna keep dying, and our population continues to grow. We can't keep putting everyone in the ground for perpetuity.

Shirley wrote: ↑Wed Sep 23, 2020 11:27 am I'm fortunate to have not lost a parent, child, or sibling yet, so I haven't really felt a need. I don't even know where my grandparents are buried.

But the whole idea of cemeteries kind of bothers me. I mean, not really the "idea." I like the idea of a place and a monument for the dead. But the physical manifestation of that just seems like a bad solution. It's probably the programmer in me, but this is an unbounded problem. We never really get rid of graveyards - it's a problem for a lot of new construction - people are gonna keep dying, and our population continues to grow. We can't keep putting everyone in the ground for perpetuity.

Carlin used to say graveyards and cemeteries are the biggest wastes of land in this world. He suggested combining them.

Quick calculation says you could divide North Dakota into 12x10 plots and bury the entire living population of America 50 times over.

bfj wrote: ↑Wed Sep 23, 2020 11:31 am

Shirley wrote: ↑Wed Sep 23, 2020 11:27 am I'm fortunate to have not lost a parent, child, or sibling yet, so I haven't really felt a need. I don't even know where my grandparents are buried.

But the whole idea of cemeteries kind of bothers me. I mean, not really the "idea." I like the idea of a place and a monument for the dead. But the physical manifestation of that just seems like a bad solution. It's probably the programmer in me, but this is an unbounded problem. We never really get rid of graveyards - it's a problem for a lot of new construction - people are gonna keep dying, and our population continues to grow. We can't keep putting everyone in the ground for perpetuity.

Carlin used to say graveyards and cemeteries are the biggest wastes of land in this world. He suggested combining them.

Golf courses, isn't it?

Ha ha one you're trying to get in the holes and the other you're trying to avoid them ha ha ha!!!

Yea, it's golf courses. I remember that joke because it started my hate for golf at like 7 years old or whatever.

I only have a few loved ones/family members buried in cemeteries, but they are all in states I plan to only visit -- and I'll be visiting the living when I go to there.

Mother's Day and Father's Day for me to visit my grandparent's grave. The Chinese have a Tomb-Sweeping Day. My parents don't observe this but I have extended family who do. And when I go I get to burn fake money.

A_B wrote: ↑Wed Sep 23, 2020 11:36 am

bfj wrote: ↑Wed Sep 23, 2020 11:31 am

Shirley wrote: ↑Wed Sep 23, 2020 11:27 am I'm fortunate to have not lost a parent, child, or sibling yet, so I haven't really felt a need. I don't even know where my grandparents are buried.

But the whole idea of cemeteries kind of bothers me. I mean, not really the "idea." I like the idea of a place and a monument for the dead. But the physical manifestation of that just seems like a bad solution. It's probably the programmer in me, but this is an unbounded problem. We never really get rid of graveyards - it's a problem for a lot of new construction - people are gonna keep dying, and our population continues to grow. We can't keep putting everyone in the ground for perpetuity.

Carlin used to say graveyards and cemeteries are the biggest wastes of land in this world. He suggested combining them.

Golf courses, isn't it?

Yes of course. I suck at typing and thinking.

I was worried that Carlin would have been proven to be full of it...but nope
https://www.sentinelsource.com/news/loc ... 95d0b.html

mister d wrote: ↑Wed Sep 23, 2020 11:39 am Ha ha one you're trying to get in the holes and the other you're trying to avoid them ha ha ha!!!

In Soviet Russia, golf ball puts YOU into hole in ground!

Shirley wrote: ↑Wed Sep 23, 2020 11:27 am I'm fortunate to have not lost a parent, child, or sibling yet, so I haven't really felt a need.

This was exactly my first thought, then I realized my parents have parents buried that they never visit. When going to a funeral, we have looked for the headstones of other relatives buried in the same cemetery. There are a couple enormous Jewish cemeteries in Eastern Long Island and I think most of my relatives on both sides are buried there. In the past few years went to an aunt and then an uncle's funerals, but I didn't even think to ask my parents if other relatives were in those cemeteries. Other than their spouses, who were buried in the adjacent plots. I put a small rock on the headstones, which is what Jews do, though I really don't even understand the symbolism, if there is any beyond just paying respects and showing someone stopped by.

I'm not a big sentimental person or big on symbolism, so I don't think I would visit cemeteries, but I completely understand why people would. If my parents died when I was younger, I could see it. Actually been talking to my parents a lot lately about their estate planning and gaming through situations of if one died first, would the other want to stay in the house as it's not near any family. Bizarre as it may seem, I don't really feel any weirdness or emotion talking it through with them. Maybe it's because we were discussing issues of putting their house in an irrevocable trust first, and the pros and cons, so it was more a legal strategy session, but when it got to personal stuff... no emotions. I realize they are getting older and feel incredibly lucky that neither of them have had any major health issues. My paternal grandfather died of a heart attack at 55, and my father, now 74, always "knew" he would die around the same age, so I feel like he already got an extra 20 years, so he if he goes now, he lived long into bonus time. Anyways, my father is super practical about this shit. He doesn't want to be in a cemetery because its a waste of money and space and he doesn't want anyone wasting time to stare at a rock with his name on it. He is also adamant that we should pull the plug at the first moment it's an option and he vows to die before setting foot in a nursing home, and if he doesn't to get his gun and make sure.

Your dad is my mom almost word for word there.

mister d wrote: ↑Wed Sep 23, 2020 12:42 pm Your dad is my mom almost word for word there.

Did she tell you where she keeps the gun?

In your dad's safe ; P

mister d wrote: ↑Wed Sep 23, 2020 12:57 pm In your dad's safe ; P

Holy shit!

My GF's family spread her mom's, and her brother's, ashes at Whalers Cove in Pt Lobos State Park by Carmel (totally illegally, of course). She tries to get there every couple of years, and its always a nice 're-connection' for her.

mister d wrote: ↑Wed Sep 23, 2020 12:42 pm Your dad is my mom almost word for word there.

My parents, too. (Minus the gun bit.)