The Swamp

Posted: **Wed Jun 12, 2013 6:24 pm**

AKA the OFFICIAL Swamp vasectomy thread.

Mine (AKA a rassectomy, h/t AB) is scheduled for next Wednesday at 8AM.

A couple of questions for those of you who are familiar with the nuts and bolts of the procedure:

1. When the instructions say to shave the "lower pubic area", how low do they mean for me to go?

2. I'm planning on just getting a local anesthetic, and the doc said I should be able to drive home. How did that work out for you? Feasible? The office is less than 1/2 hour away in good traffic. (the instructions say someone must accompany me to the procedure, I am going to call and verify that, but my wife does work one town over just in case).

3. Did you eat the day of, prior to the procedure? I guess I should skip breakfast.

4. What kind of items were best at providing comfort in the first couple of days after the procedure? I plan on having plenty of ice and water (to drink) on hand. Probably some in a cooler next to the bed.

5. Do I have to bring my own scrotal supporter? They must just have those laying around, right?

6. The instructions say at least 12 shots before you're in the clear. I thought the doc said 20. Is my hand going to get tired?

7. My parents are coming to town the next day. Is that going to be awkward?

Thanks. I'll hang around and listen.

Posted: **Wed Jun 12, 2013 6:57 pm**

rass wrote:6. The instructions say at least 12 shots before you're in the clear. I thought the doc said 20.

Just make sure it's a high quality bourbon.

Is my hand going to get tired?

You probably ought to quit handling it for a bit. No watching the Dunkin Donuts girl for you.

Posted: **Wed Jun 12, 2013 7:06 pm**

sancarlos wrote:
rass wrote:6. The instructions say at least 12 shots before you're in the clear. I thought the doc said 20.
Just make sure it's a high quality bourbon.

Is my hand going to get tired?
You probably ought to quit handling it for a bit. No watching the Dunkin Donuts girl for you.

You're getting snipped, make her pull the trigger (by whatever means necessary).

Posted: **Wed Jun 12, 2013 7:44 pm**

1. I set my beard trimmer to the lowest setting and went to work, and that seemed to be fine. Neither nurse nor doc commented about my stylings.

2. My wife drove me. I had a local, too. I don't think I would've enjoyed driving home because it was very sensitive, even though there was almost no pain. I'd get a ride if I were you.

3. I don't remember if I ate or not. Your doc might have a rule about not eating for anesthesia reasons, even though it's a local. HINYC would know.

4. A recliner that allows you to spread your legs. Your balls are going to be swollen for a couple of days, so give them space. Avoid walking up or down stairs for the first couple of days. Frozen bags of peas are better than those frozen gel packs because they conform around the area better.

5. I didn't have one, and I don't remember my doc even talking about it.

6. Ask your wife to help.

7. Yes.

Posted: **Wed Jun 12, 2013 8:09 pm**

Why the hell do you need a vasectomy? I thought you were married. Married guys don't have sex; speaking at least from my experience.

Unless your sperm is so potently venomous as to cause a threat to your very life itself, there really is no need to ask a physician to go anywhere near your gear with a razor-sharp blade.

Look at this as an opportunity rather than a reluctance. Your wife doesn't cotton to having you ejaculate in her vagina? Fine. Perfect, in fact. Introduce her to oral reception. Or taking it in the face. Or a good old fashioned boob spurt; forehead decoration can be a mutually enjoyable experience. Better yet, explain to her that her butt can be more than a one-way street.

"I don't want children so you have to have a part of your anatomy ripped out" is simply not a solid stance. After all, you're not asking her to remove her pussy, right?

I sincerely hope this sound advice is of merit to you. And remember this . . . you can only get pregnant in one place but you can shoot off on pretty much anything.

Posted: **Wed Jun 12, 2013 10:35 pm**

What you're neglecting here is the knowledge that women have three very distinct divisions in their lives.

The first, initial, period is the discovery of sexuality and fucking like maniacs. That typically lasts from, say, teenage to college-graduate. Some veil this better than others. From the time they are living in their parents' house until the time they have to move back into their parents' house. Somewhat aware of what they are doing, their little brains are trumped by hormones and the need to be not one of the ugly chicks. Beer gardens, proms, semi-formals, whatever. Although the drive resides in some a few years beyond that. Some hook husbands quickly, a gamble on their part, others either waited for a fictional prince or were simply rejected. They find themselves ovary-raging and unattached. Recently, identifying marks are lower-back tats, bar-hagging, personal ads, smoking, Lululemon, blowing strangers and a sort of bitter cynicism about local political issues, "Save the trending cause" mentality. Trees and meat and such. Odds are they've done far more fucked up things than you would suggest a hooker do. They soon in life are also likely to own cats. Away from home for the first time? Parents can't see what she's up to? A few too many Mike's Hard Lemonades and that inarticulate oaf suddenly looks useful and nobody will ever know. So your average female has already been fucked by more guys than a typical Craigslist escort. Sure, they'll never ever come close to admitting that. But (and this is worth acknowledging) you have done some pretty damn weird things, too, yep.

The middle period is known as "womanhood" and can typically last for about a generation's worth of years. Twenty? Thirty years? Nothing unusual about that. Driven by biology to create a child? Or two (because maybe it will be better the second time)? Done that; wasn't quite as cool as she thought it would be; most likely regrettable. They've established a husband, inevitably disappointing,; you could be a billionaire with a two-foot dick but they've simply settled for you; you'll never satisfy their insanity. Their days are filled with drama created out of boredom, in which you are Fifth Business, merely a utility possessed of exits and entrances, signifying nothing beyond your use as status. If you can't pay the bills? She's gone.

Third stage? That's where they figure it out. The dilemma? You are pretty much now their only option. "I really really want to have sex tonight. I need it. I need to know I'm a woman and so forth." Well, sure. Thing is, ten, twenty, years ago as a guy you'd have been all over that. Now? It's just compensation compared to that flippy chick that had a few too many Mike's Hard Lemonades and let you do things that you would never admit on the Internet. Remember that chick from a few too many years ago? Sure you do. And you've deleted the photos. Well, most of them. And she's married to a trucker somewhere. Or an accountant or who fucking cares. And now, nightly, this woman who you'd consider to be a grandma when you were a kid but is, as it happens, now your wife, wants some.

Men, on the other hand, have exactly one stage. The Boner Stage. We'd fuck mud if it was warm. Anything out of the ordinary that a female is willing to do is simply icing. And, unless you have some particularness about weight or race, gash is gash. Icelandic pussy tastes exactly the same as Korean pussy. Trust me on that one. But, hey, you're a guy, right? How many times in your life have you ever said "no" to a chick that was willing to get fucked by you? You wouldn't say no to a Martian. If that Martian chick would put out.

So how do men counteract this biological insanity? Well, when your wife suggests you have surgery to deal with her own emotional problems and insecure entitlement, or if that is how you found some terrible common ground, a good start would be to remind her that the super-tight yoga pants wearing 20-something perfectly shaped ass chick that walks by your house every day is seriously attractive and, oh, lately? Lately you've been developing a conversation with her. And she's a flirty type. And you'd fuck her sideways in a heartbeat before you ever had your nads severed.

Posted: **Thu Jun 13, 2013 6:23 am**

Underrated use of cotton.

Posted: **Thu Jun 13, 2013 7:05 am**

Big issue - is it being done with a laser or does your doctor do it old school?

Mine was definitely old school - they did the shaving.

I drove home which was a big mistake. Things start to swell pretty quickly and once the anesthetic wears off, it is pretty tender. It was a very uncomfortable drive,

I spent a few days more or less in bed because walking hurt. You'll be needing some ice packs, frozen peas and as with any medical procedure, make sure they give you the strongest pain killers possible. Not because you'll necessarily be needing them, but because why the hell not?

I pride myself on having a pretty high pain threshold, but I am not ashamed to admit that I milked the situation. After all, I let a guy come at my nuts with a knife. I earned a few days of pampering.

Posted: **Thu Jun 13, 2013 7:18 am**

rass wrote:AKA the OFFICIAL Swamp vasectomy thread.

Mine (AKA a rassectomy, h/t AB) is scheduled for next Wednesday at 8AM.

A couple of questions for those of you who are familiar with the nuts and bolts of the procedure:

1. When the instructions say to shave the "lower pubic area", how low do they mean for me to go?

2. I'm planning on just getting a local anesthetic, and the doc said I should be able to drive home. How did that work out for you? Feasible? The office is less than 1/2 hour away in good traffic. (the instructions say someone must accompany me to the procedure, I am going to call and verify that, but my wife does work one town over just in case).

3. Did you eat the day of, prior to the procedure? I guess I should skip breakfast.

4. What kind of items were best at providing comfort in the first couple of days after the procedure? I plan on having plenty of ice and water (to drink) on hand. Probably some in a cooler next to the bed.

5. Do I have to bring my own scrotal supporter? They must just have those laying around, right?

6. The instructions say at least 12 shots before you're in the clear. I thought the doc said 20. Is my hand going to get tired?

7. My parents are coming to town the next day. Is that going to be awkward?

Thanks. I'll hang around and listen.

1) To the asshole at a minimum, but halfway up the back wouldn't hurt, you big ape.

2) Make sure you turn on the heated seats. Good for the swelling.

3) Yeah, don't eat unless you're a flaming twat. Be a man and get drunk beforehand. Thickens the blood so the doctors don't have too much of a mess on their hands.

4) Drink recipe: Take half a bottle of chilled icelandic water. Freeze half into cubes. Once frozen, take a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle (The cheap stuff) and pour five ounces into a tall glass. Take the ice and the water, throw them away and drink the bourbon.

5) You can borrow mine.

6) One good afternoon's work oughta do it.

7) Only if they ask to see the scar.

Posted: **Thu Jun 13, 2013 9:14 am**

My appointment is 11:30 today. They specifically told me not to shave (unless I normally did, he added) and I can drive to and from.

Local anesthetic and there are two small incisions to pull the tubes out. Snip, cauterize and I'm on my way in 15 or 20 minutes or so I'm told.

The instructions also said to definitely eat and I bought some briefs for support. The instructions said either an athletic supporter or briefs.

I'm hoping the US Open isn't washed out so I have somthing to do this afternoon and tomorrow.

Posted: **Thu Jun 13, 2013 9:32 am**

Good luck vandwagon. If you get a chance to share how the procedure and recovery goes, please do.

Posted: **Thu Jun 13, 2013 9:53 am**

Ah. A VANsectomy.

Posted: **Thu Jun 13, 2013 10:05 am**

The surgical coordinator confirmed that I should be able to drive home, and that I need to bring my own support.

Pruitt, I don't know what he's using to do the procedure, but I will be asking for drugs.

Posted: **Thu Jun 13, 2013 10:12 am**

rass wrote:The surgical coordinator confirmed that I should be able to drive home . . .

In a Prius.

Posted: **Thu Jun 13, 2013 11:02 am**

Are you busting my balls?

Posted: **Thu Jun 13, 2013 2:55 pm**

rass wrote:The surgical coordinator confirmed that I should be able to drive home, and that I need to bring my own support.

Pruitt, I don't know what he's using to do the procedure, but I will be asking for drugs.

By the way - good luck. And remember, a condom-free future is worth it.

Posted: **Thu Jun 13, 2013 2:57 pm**

The idea of being married and using a condom blows my mind.

Posted: **Thu Jun 13, 2013 3:08 pm**

rass wrote:AKA the OFFICIAL Swamp vasectomy thread.

2. My wife drove, and I was glad she did. The pain until the tylenol (they said nothing stronger because it thins the blood) kicked in was kind of intense. Overall the pain wasn't too bad after the first hour or so.

3. I don't remember doing anything special, maybe no breakfast.

4. A couple of bags of peas that you can rotate in and out of the freezer. Whiskey.

5. My doc said non-boxer underwear was fine, jock works too.

6. Mine said 20 with two tests a month apart to verify the pipes were clean.

7. Probably, but not as awkward as having your MIL around.

Posted: **Thu Jun 13, 2013 6:55 pm**

Be vigilant.

Posted: **Fri Jun 14, 2013 7:16 am**

So far so good. The most painful part was the beginning of the surgery when the doc was trying to locate the tubes to be snipped. A little digging around. The first injection of anesthetic was just a pinch and didn't feel the second.

Got home and iced down most of the rest of the day. Got a good night's sleep and feel good this morning.

Worst part for me so far? Wearing briefs. I'm a boxers guy so the snugness is getting on my nerves.

Like other's have said, a condom free future is worth the little bit of discomfort.

Posted: **Fri Jun 14, 2013 10:48 am**

yep, just going keep sticking with the nuva ring. i haven't worn a condom in like eight years. the thought sounds awful.

Posted: **Fri Jun 14, 2013 11:09 am**

Are you guys really unaware that there are circumstances under which female contraception is (at best) unadvised, or does the dick just always come first no matter what?

Glad to here things are well vandwagon.

Posted: **Fri Jun 14, 2013 6:38 pm**

rass wrote:Are you guys really unaware that there are circumstances under which female contraception is (at best) unadvised, or does the dick just always come first no matter what?

Glad to here things are well vandwagon.

I was and am aware in the general sense, but assume any such circumstances would be relatively rare. My understanding of female contraception is that for most women, it actually has beneficial side effects like fewer periods or at minimum at least consistent periods. If it came down to a choice between getting snipped or wearing condoms, it's an absolute no-brainer.

Posted: **Fri Jun 14, 2013 8:58 pm**

1. When the instructions say to shave the "lower pubic area", how low do they mean for me to go?

I erred on the side of aggression. In the words of Slolz, "Balls Nair".

2. I'm planning on just getting a local anesthetic, and the doc said I should be able to drive home. How did that work out for you? Feasible? The office is less than 1/2 hour away in good traffic. (the instructions say someone must accompany me to the procedure, I am going to call and verify that, but my wife does work one town over just in case).

Wife drove me home. I was in no position to drive, but then again, HEMATOMA.

3. Did you eat the day of, prior to the procedure? I guess I should skip breakfast.

Yes. No dietary restrictions.

4. What kind of items were best at providing comfort in the first couple of days after the procedure? I plan on having plenty of ice and water (to drink) on hand. Probably some in a cooler next to the bed.

My two best friends were 1) the 5-lb bag of frozen peas on my juevos, and 2) the 5-lb of frozen peas in the freezer. Rotate accordingly.

5. Do I have to bring my own scrotal supporter? They must just have those laying around, right?

Yes. I recommend Under Armour. I have one, but it's used. And blood-stained.

6. The instructions say at least 12 shots before you're in the clear. I thought the doc said 20. Is my hand going to get tired?

My doctor did not give me a number, but 12 was not enough. Given my situation - which is "1%", mind you - I was in no position to polish the bishop for some time. I was checked at 30 days and 60 days. I passed the test at 60 days.

7. My parents are coming to town the next day. Is that going to be awkward?

Fuck yeah.

Posted: **Sun Jun 16, 2013 12:56 pm**

brian wrote:The idea of being married and using a condom blows my mind.

The idea of having another child makes me nauseous.

Posted: **Sun Jun 16, 2013 2:22 pm**

bfj wrote:
brian wrote:The idea of being married and using a condom blows my mind.
The idea of having another child makes me nauseous.

Well, like I said above if the decision is wearing a condom for the long term or getting a vasectomy, it's a no-brainer.

Posted: **Sun Jun 16, 2013 4:06 pm**

brian wrote:
bfj wrote:
brian wrote:The idea of being married and using a condom blows my mind.
The idea of having another child makes me nauseous.
Well, like I said above if the decision is wearing a condom for the long term or getting a vasectomy, it's a no-brainer.

Well, it has only been in the past few years that I/we decided that we weren't having any more kids. I put off the snip for that reason. I wouldn't ask her to go on the pill or nuva ring, so it was glove up or get none. The snip is next up on my "surgeries to have" list.

Posted: **Sun Jun 16, 2013 5:19 pm**

Sex w/o a condom. Those were the days, my friend.

Posted: **Tue Jun 18, 2013 7:46 am**

When they say to wear briefs for 7 days, wear them for 7 days. I tried wearing boxers to bed last night and woke up at 3AM and switched to the briefs. Needed the support.

Just another tip.

Posted: **Tue Jun 18, 2013 3:01 pm**

vandwagon wrote:The most painful part was the beginning of the surgery when the doc was trying to locate the tubes to be snipped. A little digging around.

This made me squirm. It took a few shots to numb all the right places. I had a post in a prior swamp that described my experience. In summary. Don't have a stomach flu at the same time. You will leak everywhere.

So how did it go?

Van: It took me a few months to learn how to operate with my new hanging profile. I'd occasionally move the wrong way and tweak things.

Posted: **Tue Jun 18, 2013 9:29 pm**

Just shaved. Only one nick, but I'm mildly uncomfortable anyway.

Posted: **Wed Jun 19, 2013 6:18 am**

Good luck today, Rass.

Posted: **Wed Jun 19, 2013 9:05 am**

Hope it goes smoothly (so to speak). I'm still a little sore, but hoping that will clear up in a few more days.

Posted: **Wed Jun 19, 2013 10:02 am**

About an hour and a half out from the surgery, and so far so good. The procedure itself couldn't have gone better. I got percs if I need them, and I'm going to spend the rest of the day in bed.

Posted: **Wed Jun 19, 2013 11:18 am**

rass wrote:About an hour and a half out from the surgery, and so far so good. The procedure itself couldn't have gone better. I got percs if I need them, and I'm going to spend the rest of the day in bed.

Glad to hear it.

Posted: **Wed Jun 19, 2013 11:43 am**

brian wrote:
rass wrote:About an hour and a half out from the surgery, and so far so good. The procedure itself couldn't have gone better. I got percs if I need them, and I'm going to spend the rest of the day in bed.
Glad to hear it.

Yep, percs are a good score.

Posted: **Wed Jun 19, 2013 11:46 am**

rass wrote:I got percs if I need them...

And if you don't need them, I'll gladly take them off your hands.

Posted: **Wed Jun 19, 2013 1:19 pm**

Still just feel like I got kicked in the nuts 15 minutes ago. Dull ache.

I turned on the radio right in the middle of Cat's in the Cradle when leaving home for my appointment this morning. My wife didn't think it was funny when I later told her it must have been a message from my never-to-be-born son.

Posted: **Wed Jun 19, 2013 2:54 pm**

You'll probably want to cut down your squat-thrust routine until at least Friday.

Posted: **Wed Jun 19, 2013 7:02 pm**

Vasectomy wrote:You'll probably want to cut down your squat-thrust routine until at least Friday.

Haven't you done enough already?

The Swamp

SACK TRICK!!!

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