2022 Hallmark Christmas Movie reviews

rass · Post by **rass** » Fri Oct 21, 2022 7:18 am

Corgis! Chabert! Paevey! HRP! Tia Carrere!

It's too early for this shit, but Hallmark's "Countdown to Christmas" starts tonight with their first new holiday movie of 2022 (if we don't count the handful they premiered during "Christmas in July").

I just scrolled through their countdown list and while I knew there would be some attrition due to the new more conservative-y GAF network (bye Candace!) stealing "talent" I don't see any RLC or BJL joints so it could be a sad season. There does seem to be a pretty diverse lineup this year, with at least 5 or 6 movies headlined by non-white actors (including two movies that seem to be later comers to the Crazy Rich Asians bandwagon), one that sounds like it's primary relationship will be a same-sex couple, and a Hanukkah movie (featuring Lisa Loeb!).

Early guesses at most enjoyable based on the title/photo/cast/summary would be "Three Wise Men and a Baby" (11/19), "A Christmas Cookie Catastrophe" (11/27), and "Christmas Class Reunion" (12/10).

I probably won't do an actual review until sometime next month. Though my wife and I might be without kids for the evening tomorrow, and who knows where the night will take us...

Ryan · Post by **Ryan** » Fri Oct 21, 2022 7:58 am

rass wrote: ↑Fri Oct 21, 2022 7:18 amI just scrolled through their countdown list...

Stunned that the girl in the 3rd one is NOT the quirky one from Saved By the Bell: The College Years

...(who is 57 years old, so nevermind I am not stunned)

rass · Post by **rass** » Fri Oct 21, 2022 8:02 am

Ryan wrote: ↑Fri Oct 21, 2022 7:58 am
rass wrote: ↑Fri Oct 21, 2022 7:18 amI just scrolled through their countdown list...
Stunned that the girl in the 3rd one is NOT the quirky one from Saved By the Bell: The College Years

...(who is 57 years old, so nevermind I am not stunned)

Marilu Henner still getting work though.

Ryan · Post by **Ryan** » Fri Oct 21, 2022 8:20 am

rass wrote: ↑Fri Oct 21, 2022 8:02 am
Ryan wrote: ↑Fri Oct 21, 2022 7:58 am
rass wrote: ↑Fri Oct 21, 2022 7:18 amI just scrolled through their countdown list...
Stunned that the girl in the 3rd one is NOT the quirky one from Saved By the Bell: The College Years

...(who is 57 years old, so nevermind I am not stunned)
Marilu Henner still getting work though.

Big savings on script memorization helpers

mister d · Post by **mister d** » Fri Oct 21, 2022 8:37 am

: image.png (46.06 KiB) Viewed 663 times

VS

: image.png (46.99 KiB) Viewed 663 times

DaveInSeattle · Post by **DaveInSeattle** » Fri Oct 21, 2022 10:31 am

If you are a fan of the Hallmark movies, you need to be listening to the podcast "It's Christmastown" with Jed Lund (@Mobute) and David Roth from Defector. Its great.

rass · Post by **rass** » Fri Oct 21, 2022 10:32 am

Yeah I keep hearing Roth mention that.

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Fri Oct 21, 2022 11:01 am

Rass' reviews need to come with an accompanying acronym list.

Reaper · Post by **Reaper** » Fri Oct 21, 2022 11:05 am

The Sybian wrote: ↑Fri Oct 21, 2022 11:01 am Rass' reviews need to come with an accompanying acronym list.

I got Rachel Leigh Cook, but had to Google to come up with Bethany Joy Lenz (and I still don't know who she is).

rass · Post by **rass** » Fri Oct 21, 2022 11:12 am

And Holly Robinson Peete!

Johnny Carwash · Post by **Johnny Carwash** » Fri Oct 21, 2022 12:33 pm

I think I said it last year, but the appearance of this thread has become my official "the holidays have arrived" event.

DaveInSeattle · Post by **DaveInSeattle** » Fri Oct 21, 2022 12:52 pm

Johnny Carwash wrote: ↑Fri Oct 21, 2022 12:33 pm I think I said it last year, but the appearance of this thread has become my official "the holidays have arrived" event.

And it keeps happening earlier every year!

Nonlinear FC · Post by **Nonlinear FC** » Fri Oct 21, 2022 1:27 pm

We keep meaning to cancel our FRNDLY subscription, but The Wife likes to have the movies on while she's puttering, so...

The "problem" is that most of the streamers are now putting out their own raft of these... It can get a bit overwhelming...

I also tend to heckle the shit out of the TV while their on, which... I'm self-aware enough to know it's probably fucking annoying, but I really can't help myself. I can't stop throwing in really salty "additional dialogue" that cracks me up and would get me in a lot of trouble in mixed-company. To sum this approach up, I'm constantly encouraging whoever is on the screen (not kids) to fornicate.

bapo! · Post by **bapo!** » Mon Oct 24, 2022 1:37 pm

Copy/pasted from Carwash's thread: Oh hell yes.

These two threads* will get me thru the long, dark winter. Thanks, rass.

*And mozzarella sticks.**

**And Lacey Chabert.

Nonlinear FC · Post by **Nonlinear FC** » Mon Oct 24, 2022 1:49 pm

Lacey Chabert has developed an outsized rear end at some point over the last few years. She was in a surfing/cooking Hallmark show that my wife had on the last week or so. They tried hiding it, somewhat, but there were certain scenes where "it" was inescapable. Kind of surprised she agreed to the role, which at a minimum was going to see her in a wetsuit.

Giff · Post by **Giff** » Mon Oct 24, 2022 2:00 pm

Nonlinear FC wrote: ↑Mon Oct 24, 2022 1:49 pm Lacey Chabert has developed an outsized rear end at some point over the last few years. She was in a surfing/cooking Hallmark show that my wife had on the last week or so. They tried hiding it, somewhat, but there were certain scenes where "it" was inescapable. Kind of surprised she agreed to the role, which at a minimum was going to see her in a wetsuit.

For the first time ever, I'm interested in watching something on Hallmark.

Nonlinear FC · Post by **Nonlinear FC** » Mon Oct 24, 2022 2:06 pm

Just to be crystal, her butt is built by Krystal... It's not like she got implants or started a glute routine.

Giff · Post by **Giff** » Mon Oct 24, 2022 2:07 pm

That's how I prefer them!

Nonlinear FC · Post by **Nonlinear FC** » Mon Oct 24, 2022 2:12 pm

Cool. Just don't want to falsely advertise.

(Me too, btw. It just looks a little weird on her because she's a tiny little thing.)

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Mon Oct 24, 2022 2:22 pm

Nonlinear FC wrote: ↑Mon Oct 24, 2022 2:06 pm Just to be crystal, her butt is built by Krystal... It's not like she got implants or started a glute routine.

Bill Krystal?

Nonlinear FC · Post by **Nonlinear FC** » Mon Oct 24, 2022 2:34 pm

Ryan · Post by **Ryan** » Mon Oct 24, 2022 4:14 pm

“Lacey, Party of Five” (it’s just her)

rass · Post by **rass** » Mon Oct 24, 2022 4:42 pm

Discerning students of my reviews are well aware that Chabert is not on my short list of favorite HM stars, even though she’s an important talent for them and with her involvement usually follows higher production values in terms of on-location shoots (or actual water-based snow).

But she can definitely carry a movie. And maybe that solid base is what gives her the ability to do so.

Nonlinear FC · Post by **Nonlinear FC** » Mon Oct 24, 2022 9:32 pm

I love you guys, man. Consistent chortling for well over a decade.

govmentchedda · Post by **govmentchedda** » Mon Nov 07, 2022 9:12 pm

EnochRoot · Post by **EnochRoot** » Mon Nov 07, 2022 9:37 pm

Nonlinear FC wrote: ↑Fri Oct 21, 2022 1:27 pm We keep meaning to cancel our FRNDLY subscription, but The Wife likes to have the movies on while she's puttering, so...

The "problem" is that most of the streamers are now putting out their own raft of these... It can get a bit overwhelming...

I also tend to heckle the shit out of the TV while their on, which... I'm self-aware enough to know it's probably fucking annoying, but I really can't help myself. I can't stop throwing in really salty "additional dialogue" that cracks me up and would get me in a lot of trouble in mixed-company. To sum this approach up, I'm constantly encouraging whoever is on the screen (not kids) to fornicate.

I can most definitely relate. My wife would watch "This is Us," which as you perhaps know was this extreme melodrama, like an hourlong ballad that kept reaching further into your heart to reveal an even more endearing stanza. I could not help myself from ad-libbing lines like I was one of the robots on MST3K.

DaveInSeattle · Post by **DaveInSeattle** » Tue Nov 08, 2022 12:45 am

EnochRoot wrote: ↑Mon Nov 07, 2022 9:37 pm
Nonlinear FC wrote: ↑Fri Oct 21, 2022 1:27 pm We keep meaning to cancel our FRNDLY subscription, but The Wife likes to have the movies on while she's puttering, so...

The "problem" is that most of the streamers are now putting out their own raft of these... It can get a bit overwhelming...

I also tend to heckle the shit out of the TV while their on, which... I'm self-aware enough to know it's probably fucking annoying, but I really can't help myself. I can't stop throwing in really salty "additional dialogue" that cracks me up and would get me in a lot of trouble in mixed-company. To sum this approach up, I'm constantly encouraging whoever is on the screen (not kids) to fornicate.
I can most definitely relate. My wife would watch "This is Us," which as you perhaps know was this extreme melodrama, like an hourlong ballad that kept reaching further into your heart to reveal an even more endearing stanza. I could not help myself from ad-libbing lines like I was one of the robots on MST3K.

I used to do the same thing with Dowton Abbey. Especially calling out Lady Mary as being a terrible person. And hoping Anna and Mr Bates fell down a well somewhere.

Nonlinear FC · Post by **Nonlinear FC** » Tue Nov 08, 2022 10:28 am

Familiar with both shows, but kept my trap shut for "serious" stuff like that.

Thanks be to Yahweh, even my wife grew exhausted with This Is Us... Good lord, that show became insufferable.

I can watch me some Downton. For whatever reason.

govmentchedda · Post by **govmentchedda** » Sun Nov 20, 2022 11:20 am

rass · Post by **rass** » Sun Nov 20, 2022 11:37 am

^^^^*
Yeah!

Recorded the first one I intend to watch, Three Wise Men and a Baby.

Steve of phpBB · Post by **Steve of phpBB** » Sun Nov 20, 2022 6:56 pm

rass wrote: ↑Sun Nov 20, 2022 11:37 am ^^^^*
Yeah!

Recorded the first one I intend to watch, Three Wise Men and a Baby.

If that has a scene where a terrified dude buys five kinds of formula in a store and then freaks out when he's told the kid needs a diaper change, my mother-in-law was just watching it.

rass · Post by **rass** » Sun Nov 20, 2022 7:13 pm

Your MIL sounds like a fine lady who I’m sure would know how to find the spoiler tags.

rass · Post by **rass** » Sun Nov 27, 2022 3:37 pm

The first Hallmark Christmas movie is going to be Three Wise Men and a Baby, despite being spoiled by steve up above.

This is not a traditional HM romcom, but more of a straightforward comedy. Therefore, my traditional format is largely not applicable.

Trailer:

Cable guide synopsis:
Three brothers get the surprise of their lives when they are forced to work together and care for a baby over the holidays.

Location: Spruce Grove, WA (seems to be a neighborhood in Seattle)

Realism of location: Not sure, there are some establishing shots of Seattle, I guess.

Primary setting: Family house, firehouse where one of the leads works, software company where one of the leads work(ed)

Relationship categorization: n/a

New Love or Rekindled Love: n/a

How the couple meets: n/a

Female lead physical profile: n/a

Female lead signature look: n/a

Female lead personality profile: n/a

Female lead confidant(s): n/a

Male lead physical profile:
Luke - The oldest brother, he is a fireman and a gym rat and apparently the biggest draw at a charity auction to win a date with a fireman
Stephan (pronounced "steffen") - The middle brother, tallest. He's a pet therapist who is afraid of crowds.
Taylor - The youngest brother, and definitely the shortest. I think I described the actor as "slight" in the first review I ever did for one of his movies, and while he's won be over the last few years I think that still fits. He is a video game designer (and player)

Male lead signature look:
Luke - most often he's in a t-shirt with the FD badge or gym clothes
Stephan - Fastidious dresser, usually in dress shirts and/or solid sweaters and slacks. Wears head-to-toe matching PJs
Taylor - From my notes:
-great example of a messy haircut/style that probably takes a lot of work to maintain
-wears a lot of bracelets and short-sleeved henleys to show off the bracelets
-Grey cardigan!
-White cardigan!
-Another grey cardigan?

Male lead personality profile:
Luke - As the oldest when their dad left (see below) he had to step up and be the "man" of the family. Says he looks out for everyone but himself (to the point that he can't complete work on his custom built home). Seems to have some resentment towards his brothers, especially the youngest
Stephan - His daddy issues led him to just run and hide from anything that makes him uncomfortable, including crowds (and love?). He lives (works?) from a separate domicile on his mom's property, while the other two brothers are still in the actual house.
Taylor - He self-sabotages anytime he finds himself in a good situation, be it a relationship or a job. He's a dick at a holiday party at his game company (where his once and future girlfriend still works) near the beginning and gets himself immediately fired just weeks before the release of the game that he designed the main UI for. He unsuccessfully tries a Jerry McGuire on the way out the door but no one likes him (and they say as much).

Male lead confidant(s): n/a

Admittedly shallow rating of the appropriateness of the relationship based on purely physical terms: n/a

Snow: Plenty

Quality/realism of snow: Definitely water-based, and pretty much always present for outdoor scenes. Does it snow that much in Seattle?

Diversity: Not lily-white but with essentially three (white male) leads there isn't a lot of space for any other large roles.

Precocious child: The baby is very cute but I don't think he counts for this category. At one point one of the brothers somehow brings the wrong baby home and for the reveal they went over the top making sure the "wrong" baby looked nothing like the "real" baby. Like a wig on a cross-eyed baby over the top. I laughed.

Pets: Stephan is a pet therapist who ends up falling for his (only?) client, so we see a lot of her little dog. He also owns an underutilized Corgi named Arthur.

Baking: Yes, both Stephan and Luke make cookies while watching the baby solo. The former burns his.

Source of conflict/break-up after the leads fall for each other: n/a

How the break-up is quickly resolved: n/a

Open mouth final kiss: n/a

Recently deceased relative: No. Dad was an asshole and ran out on the family when the boys were very young. Their aunt falls and has a concussion and when the mom leaves the brothers (and the baby) for a night to care for her she gets snowed in leaving the boys to fend for themselves with the baby (and learn to love each other again) over the course of multiple days.

Consumption of alcohol: The bad boy younger brother has some empty beer bottles in his (mom's) basement bachelor pad (which along with the foosball table, gaming chairs and Chinese takeout containers completes someone's checklist of "bachelor pad"). He also pours a glass of white wine at some point while standing next to the middle brother, who thought it was for him, and then drinks it himself.

Obviously fake cups/mugs of hot liquid: Nothing stood out, certainly no visits to a coffee shop (despite the location)

Snowball fight: No

Ugly Christmas sweaters: There are some at the ill-fated holiday party at Funnen Games. The brothers do dress in matching elf costumes for a picture with

[+] spoiler: Santa

Christmas music: Throughout. The one standout is a modernized version of the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy that the three brothers have a dance routine that they still remember from when they were kids.

Silver Fox: No

Does Santa appear: Yes

Town Christmas tree lighting: No. They do decorate a nicer tree for their mom at home

Montage: Shockingly, no! There is a massive effort to decorate the outside of their (mom/s) house for the holidays that I thought was teed up for a montage but nope.

General Observations: There actually are two romantic relationships that are subplots. Stephan ends up with the obviously horny for him owner of his client, and Taylor eventually ends up with his ex (and back at Funnen Games, after apologizing). We learn the mother of the baby is an overwhelmed single mom, like their own mom was. Luke was a first responder when she went into labor, so she somehow felt OK leaving the baby for him at the firehouse. In the "one year later" capper it's quickly established that Luke and the mom are together (he calls her "Soph" instead of Sophia and if that wasn't enough they share a quick kiss). None of the women has the look of a traditional HM female protagonist, though the crazy red-head dog lady is closest. Taylor's GF is definitely best friend of a HM female protagonist material.

They have a competition with their neighbor, Mark LeClark, who bullied the youngest when they were in HS. Mostly just jock, bro jokes, but of course they end up as friends at the end (Mark shows up at the "one year later" party).

This was a light and breezy and intermittently funny movie, carried largely by the competent main cast, especially T-Hines (Taylor) who was in the male protagonist in my favorite HM movie from 2021. I genuinely laughed quite out loud at one of the (many) dirty diaper scenes when T-Hines gagged and said "I can taste it!". Sidelining the rom part of the romcom formula perhaps risks turning off some of the core audience but with dozens of movies being produced I thought it was nice to see them zag a little bit. I enjoyed that 100 minutes or so, and I was totally sober. Nice way to kickoff the holiday season.

Nonlinear FC · Post by **Nonlinear FC** » Sun Nov 27, 2022 3:54 pm

rass wrote: ↑Sun Nov 27, 2022 3:37 pm The first Hallmark Christmas movie is going to be Three Wise Men and a Baby, despite being spoiled by steve up above.

This is not a traditional HM romcom, but more of a straightforward comedy. Therefore, my traditional format is largely not applicable.

If you want another one that is not the typical Son/Daughter comes home to quaint town to rescue the tree farm/inn/restaurant that some variety of oldster relative can no longer manage... The Royal Nanny is actually pretty darn entertaining.

rass · Post by **rass** » Wed Nov 30, 2022 9:09 pm

Moira Kelly and Bruce Campbell??

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Wed Nov 30, 2022 9:15 pm

I used to think this thread was tongue-in-cheek, but you guys are actually into this pablum!

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Wed Nov 30, 2022 10:07 pm

sancarlos wrote: ↑Wed Nov 30, 2022 9:15 pm I used to think this thread was tongue-in-cheek, but you guys are actually into this pablum!

Brother, I am right there with you.

rass · Post by **rass** » Thu Dec 01, 2022 7:07 am

Look, if you can look at these threads and not realize that I (at least) crossed that line sometime in December 2020 then you have your heads up your ass more than some big city ad executive who is about to lose his fiancee to her high school boyfriend on Christmas Eve.

Anyway AB, you just continue pwaying your widdle video games. And we all know we've made a silent agreement to look the other way and not think too much about the shit SC has admitted he's into and I'm not going to be baited into breaking that pact here.

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Thu Dec 01, 2022 7:29 am

I’m not kink shaming. I just don’t get it. You do you boss!

I’m benching you though.

Ryan · Post by **Ryan** » Thu Dec 01, 2022 7:30 am

rass wrote: ↑Thu Dec 01, 2022 7:07 am Look, if you can look at these threads and not realize that I (at least) crossed that line sometime in December 2020 then you have your heads up your ass more than some big city ad executive who is about to lose his fiancee to her high school boyfriend on Christmas Eve.

Ooh the girl from Step By Step would be great for this!