2023 Hallmark Christmas Movie Reviews

[rass]

And "inspired by true events" we have...

Holiday Road

Trailer:


Cable guide synopsis: Nine strangers, stranded at an airport during the holidays, unite for a Christmas road trip to Denver. Misadventures lead to unexpected bonds and heartfelt conversations.

Location: starts in Portland...a group of people trying to get to Denver travel through Idaho, Utah and Wyoming to get there

Realism of location: I've been to the Portland airport but don't remember what it looked like. The interior shots here looked more like a mall (with no stores) or a college student center than an airport.

Seems like lots of sitting in a van within a green screen for the interior driving scenes.

Primary setting: a van

Relationship categorization:
This is going to be another ensemble without a central couple. Road trip movie!
I think I last did one of these back in 2020 and enjoyed it. Except they were going East to West in that one.

New Love or Rekindled Love: N/A

characters, in order of appearance:
-Maya: TikToker, wants to be popular/viral
-Ember: initially cranky lady who just wants the TikToker to film elsewhere, she's a divorced mom who has visitation but not custody, worries about money
-Dusty: old white guy with a beard who stands in the TikToker's shot and just wants to get to Denver (and has a bag full of cash!?!), makes a "triggered" joke at some point
-Lei and Kai: couple from Hong Kong who don't speak great English and seem to have some interpersonal friction - the father and son are fighting,
-Tricia and Ben: mother/son, she seems like she might not be eager to travel to Denver? She seems to have some sort of anxiety issue (not claustrophobia). We learn he's adopted.
-Dana: snowboarder (female), more very cute than traditionally HM-pretty, might be sick? - bad heart, needs medication that she lost in Portland and refused to stop to replace during the trip
-Clay: traditionally HM-handsome dude trying to order something complicated at a cafe and gets in an argument with the snowboarder because she's behind him in line. Sparks! He has a dating app.

How the characters meet: Everyone meets at a packed and beset by delays Portland airport. After their flight is canceled and they realize they're all going to Denver, everyone (but Clay) decides to split a rental and driving duties to drive to Denver*.

Via his platinum status, Clay gets the last rental car at the airport which turns out to be a massive van. Dana convinces Clay to drive them, but he refuses to take her because of the coffee incident. After they load up, everyone shames into asking her, too.

Clay expects the drive to take 18 hours, which seems to match up with Google Maps

*AKA the boybleu pimgrimage?

Interstate/highway talk: I-84 is "backed up all the way to Boise" so they may have to take some sideroads
-somewhere in Idaho, take rt17 to rt23? rt14?
-their phones stop working at some point in Utah (despite going viral on TikTok) and Dusty buys maps

How do they pass the time in the van?: filling out the initial questionnaire for Clay's dating app. Seems awkward.
-also interviews with the TikToker
-karaoke (see below)

interstitals: SOMEWHERE IN IDAHO
LOST IN UTAH
PASSING THROUGH WYOMING

Snow: Not in Portland or through Idaho and Utah (other than on mountains in the distance). Finally snow on the ground once they hit Colorado.

Quality/realism of snow: on the ground in CO looks real, but the falling stuff looks foamy

See someone’s breath?: no! not even on a mountain top

Diversity: The TikToker is Black, there are subtitles for the couple from Hong Kong

Stereotypes: Ignoring the generational wars, they make the Asian couple so into karaoke that they travel with a machine that they use in the van

Precocious child: no (Ben is a HS junior)

Pets: no

Baking: nope

Amnesia?: no

Product placement: nothing so in the face that I noticed

Source of conflict and the resolutions:
-Lei secretly plans on forcing Kai and their son together at Christmas. Despite the ambush, it works.
-We learn that not only is Ben adopted, but they are traveling to Denver to meet his birth mother. When they finally arrive, he becomes very nervous, but Maya gives him a pep talk. The birth mom seems nice.
-After a bad viral moment when some of her followers try to screw over the #vanclan Maya eventually learns her true friends are the real friends she made along the way and not her followers
-Ember's ex calls Christmas morning, and tells her she's a bad mom and that she can't see her daughter. She steals all of Dusty's money and leaves.
-During an interview, Dusty says Christmas doesn't mean as much anymore, and later says he's going to Denver to see his daughter. When we next see him, he is at a grave, and he tells his deceased daughter about the trip and apologizes for caring more about providing money for her than love while she was alive. As this is happening, Ember and her daughter approach him in the cemetary. She returns the money, and he gives it back so she can move to Denver.
-Dana and Clay are the last to separate, somehow he drops her off right at a ski lodge right where her friends are all waiting in their gear.

Consumption of alcohol: In the final minutes, Clay is shown with two glasses of red wine at his destination in Denver, and a lady on a couch in the background...

Open mouth final kiss:...who he leaves after seeing Maya's heartfelt final #vanclan video so he can catch a chopper to the top of the mountain and tell Dana his feelings and there is not only open mouth kissing but she jumps into his arms and locks her legs around him

Recently deceased relative: Dusty's daughter died three years ago in a car accident

Obviously fake cups/mugs of hot liquid: giant Christmas mugs at a diner, cups of coffee at the Elf Games town

Snowball fight: Yes, Ember's daughter starts one in the cemetery after Ember and Dusty make up.

Ice skating: no

Ugly Christmas sweaters: Yes, on a couple in a diner who recognizes them from the swiftly going viral TikTok logging of their journey #vanclan
-also on the #vanclan while a knockoff "Bad to the Bone" riff plays as they walk in slow motion to take part in the Elf Games
-Ben's birth mom

Notable Christmas music: Cher again!

Does Santa appear: at the Elf Games

Town Christmas tree lighting: After they try to take a shortcut and break something in the van, they end up in Greenfield (not sure what state, seems like it should be Utah but the cab that takes them to the mechanic has an Idaho plate) where the entire town is taking part in the Elf Games, which means no one can go get the part they need from SLC.

Christmas Market: All of Greenfield is decked out for the Elf Games with pop-up shops everywhere. Seems market-y.

Christmas tree shopping: how about a Christmas tree decorating workshop?

Yearbook quote: You should not teach someone to dream, and then not let them dream.

Did my wife stay awake: N/A, I'm still in the covid colony but pretty sure she fell asleep with the dogs upstairs for a bit when she got home from work

Montage: Twice. Once during the Elf Games contest, set to Run Run Rudolph by Cher. The last is when everyone reunites for Christmas dinner at Maya's house (her parents got stuck in NYC).

General Observations:
-Maya constantly switches the orientation of her phone, thought portrait is better for TikTok
-always sad when they start playing the commercials for the New Year films :(
-anyway, there is a golf movie (Love on the Right Course) and a rugby movie (A Scrum-ptious New Year) coming in 2024

[rass]

Navigating Christmas

Trailer:


Cable guide synopsis: Recently divorced Melanie and her son Jason visit a remote island for Christmas, only to find themselves running a real working lighthouse where she connects with the curt but cute owner.

Location: Starts in Seattle, heads to St. Nicholas Island, which is supposed to be in the US because she doesn't have a passport

Realism of location: the overhead establishing shots of the island(s) are pretty cool

Primary setting: the St. Nicholas Island lighthouse

Relationship categorization: adversarial, turns to love

New Love or Rekindled Love: new

How the couple meets: On the boat to St. Nicholas Island. Then she learns that staying at the lighthouse during Christmas means she has to decorate it, seeks out the owner to complain, and it's the guy from the boat.

Female lead physical profile: Melanie. Cute!

Female lead signature look: She wears green a lot, but I have to give this to a sweater dress she wears at a dance

Female lead personality profile: Successful at work, struggling as a divorced mom, where her ex is the "fun" parent.

Female lead confidant(s): A co-worker.

Male lead physical profile: Peter. Permanent five o'clock shadow type of guy.

Male lead signature look: henleys, under flannel type of guy

Male lead personality profile: gruff lighthouse owner who doesn't like the holidays, has been away for 8 years

Male lead confidant(s): Earl, the property manager of the lighthouse. Was also Peter's father's friend.

Admittedly shallow rating of the appropriateness of the relationship based on purely physical terms: Yeah. She seems tall, and he's taller.

Snow: tossed about on the edges of scenes

Quality/realism of snow: Looks like frozen water. Despite snow on the ground, there is a scene where they decided to show fake snow being blasted out over the town square for some reason.

See someone’s breath?: no...

Precocious child: Jason is too old to qualify, and more brat (at first) than precocious, upset when his dad cancels their Christmas skiing trip at the last minute, and blaming his mom for the divorce

Pets: no

Baking: yes, she burns cookies (appeared the reindeer shaped)

Amnesia?: no

Product placement: not that I saw

Source of conflict/break-up after the leads fall for each other: Peter's dad had fallen into debt, and Peter made plans to sell the lighthouse, to a developer who might knock it down (I guess it isn't in service?), and he regrets this after falling back in love with the island, the holidays, and with Melanie. Melanie hasn't told her son that she knows his dad is expecting a new baby with his new wife.

When Melanie finds out about the developer when he shows up for a final inspection on Christmas Eve (played by Lochlyn Munro, a "that guy"), she and Peter get into a fight, she accuses him of lying, and he accuses her of lying to her son. Which is low since that's totally on the dad to share.

How the break-up is quickly resolved: Her son takes (steals?) the mayor's boat, (he was upset when he overheard Peter mention the new baby), and floods the engine or something and gets stuck. He's able to use Morse code (which he learned from Peter) to signal for help. Peter sees him from the lighthouse.

Melanie agrees to help him keep the lighthouse (she's a business person!).

Open mouth final kiss: very intense smushing together of mouths, but no

Recently deceased relative: Peter's dad died 7 years ago, they had been fighting at the time

Consumption of alcohol: Champagne right at the beginning at a company holiday party

Obviously fake cups/mugs of hot liquid: diner scene(s), coffee cups outside, even some fake whipped cream

Snowball fight: no

Ice skating: no

Ugly Christmas sweaters: The mayor of St. Nicholas Island (Jason has a crush on her daughter) is wearing one, the mayor throws multiple parties where many guests are wearing them

Notable Christmas music: nothing stood out

Does Santa appear: can't believe he wasn't in one of the party or town celebration scenes, but nothing jumped out

Town Christmas tree lighting: Lighthouse lighting ceremony!

Christmas Market: yes, in the town square

Christmas tree shopping: decorating yes, but no shopping

Did my wife stay awake: N/A, going solo, she's probably asleep upstairs again

Montage: decorating the lighthouse montage!
mayor's Christmas party reindeer games contest montage!
town square decorating contest montage!

General Observations:
-guide dog trainer falls for her client, "My Christmas Guide" coming 12/24!
-two in one night Bronto!

[DSafetyGuy]

Rass, what do you think about the one where the protagonist plays the violin?

[rass]

Rass, what do you think about the one where the protagonist plays the violin?

Didn't watch that one. Are you sure that's a 2023er? I think I remember one like that at some point but if we're thinking about the same one it was (A) definitely a year or two ago (B) my wife doesn't think the dude is attractive and wouldn't watch and (C) it was relegated to HM Movies & Mysteries.

[rass]

Shit, don't you have a friend that works on these things? Don't tell that guy is her husband or something...

[DSafetyGuy]

Shit, don't you have a friend that works on these things? Don't tell that guy is her husband or something...

My friend's wife did not write that one (he's not an actor, so all clear there). Pretty sure it's from last year, but it's been recycled on Hallmark a bunch in the last couple weeks (wife's new job starts on the 4th, so there's been more daytime exposure recently).

Dude is meh (he's an author who is a pain in the ass).

[rass]

Probs gonna watch this one tonight with my wife (via facetime if necessary):



Sorry HM.

[P.D.X.]

Oh shit it's the dude from Jeeper's Creepers

[DSafetyGuy]

Justin Long killing it.

[rass]

Justin Long killing it.

Upsettingly aged.

[rass]

Probs gonna watch this one tonight with my wife (via facetime if necessary):



Sorry HM.

Quickie review since none of my work friends are in today and I'm bored:

-As noted, I don't like Justin Long showing his age. PDX is right, he's still Jeepers Creepers dude or the kid from Ed or the kid from Galaxy Quest. This was like noticing a huge new wrinkle on my own face.

-A lot more poop jokes and sex talk than a HM movie. The latter was sort of amusing as it was the female lead's mom and brother making jokes about the two leads fucking.

-My wife and I saw a Christmas show last week, a traveling production called Christmas in Killarney. It was put on in the theater at a local university and even if it was just a loose plot draped with Christmas songs performed in a traditional Irish folk-style, we love Christmas music and Irish folk music and it was well done and we had fun.

The loose plot of that show could be summarized as "Irish girl brings her new American fiancee to Ireland in the 1920s at Christmas time to meet her family and the fiancee awkwardly engages in traditional Irish activities like dancing and awkwardly interacts with various family members and friends including an ex-boyfriend who now owns a pub in town before finally correctly pronouncing 'Happy Christmas' in Gaelic to the joy of everyone"

The loose plot of this movie could be summarized as "Irish girl brings her American husband to Ireland in the 2020s at Christmas time to spend time with her family and the husband awkwardly engages in traditional Irish activities like Gaelic football and awkwardly interacts with various family members and friends including an ex-boyfriend who now owns a pub in town before finally correctly pronouncing 'Happy Christmas' in Gaelic to the joy of everyone"

The main differences are the 1920s show was a musical, and that already being married and living in a time when air travel is available means the 2020s guy is already well acquainted and generally liked by the folks in Ireland, and the main plot driver of the latter is really a whole "is the main couple ready to have kids" question.

-They seemed to run out of money at the end or something and cheaped out on the kits for the climactic Gaelic football game. Look at that screencap on the video! The weird green, felt patch to cover up something is bad enough, but the sponsor (Reilley's is the female lead's family's pub) is like ironed onto the jersey and seems to cause some bunching and is the wrong color yellow and just looks bad.

Also, Justin Long's character feigns injury at some point so his niece (who loves football but hasn't been allowed to play because she's a girl) can get into a game and he takes off his #8 jersey and gives it to her but later on she's wearing #6.

-I set the DVR recording via an app on my phone and I guess picked the SD Fox channel instead of HD and that sucked.

[Nonlinear FC]

We'll be watching that tonight. Thanks Swamp. And this is what I'm talking about in terms of "if I have to watch corny rom-coms, at least let them not be cringeworthily bad."

I understand and respect the thread, but my wife has these HM movies on all day this time of year and I've hit a wall.

[The Sybian]

We'll be watching that tonight. Thanks Swamp. And this is what I'm talking about in terms of "if I have to watch corny rom-coms, at least let them not be cringeworthily bad."

I understand and respect the thread, but my wife has these HM movies on all day this time of year and I've hit a wall.

Fortunately my wife joined the kids in the practice of watching everything on her phone or iPad, so I'm not subjected to this stuff. She refuses to wear her glasses, ever, and complains she can't see the 75 inch screen, so she watches on her phone.

[sancarlos]

We'll be watching that tonight. Thanks Swamp. And this is what I'm talking about in terms of "if I have to watch corny rom-coms, at least let them not be cringeworthily bad."

I understand and respect the thread, but my wife has these HM movies on all day this time of year and I've hit a wall.

Fortunately my wife joined the kids in the practice of watching everything on her phone or iPad, so I'm not subjected to this stuff. She refuses to wear her glasses, ever, and complains she can't see the 75 inch screen, so she watches on her phone.

Funny, my wife is mostly the opposite. Wears glasses except when there’s other people around. Only watches on the big tv. If we want to watch different things at the same time, I generally use my laptop.

[brian]

The paper of record chimes in.

[rass]

Catch Me if You Claus

Trailer:


Cable guide synopsis: On the verge of her big break, aspiring news anchor Avery Quinn catches a home intruder wearing a red suit claiming to be Santa's son, Chris.

Location: Dayton, Ohio

Realism of location: No idea, man. I assume those are shots of downtown Dayton.

Primary setting(s): a newsroom, Avery's house, a theater (The Rainbow) where the actors and crew are throwing a wrap party

Relationship categorization: we're an hour in before there is any indication (other than the fact that they're the leads in a HM movie) that there might be a spark between the two of them

New Love or Rekindled Love: new

How the couple meets: He appears to break into her house, and there is a known "Santa Crook" on the loose. She goes to bed early because she's supposed to be on air at 5AM, but hears him and catches him and scares him because she's wearing some sort of infrared skin care mask, and he falls and knocks himself out. And 911 isn't available so they end up talking and he says he's Santa and she doesn't believe him.

And there's a subplot where the mayor is fighting a corruption case and it seems the real Santa Crook(s) broke into his house and stole proof of the corruption and a bunch of bad guys start chasing Avery and Chris looking for the stolen data. It's even more convoluted than that. But right around the time the bad guys start chasing them, Chris convinces Avery that he is Santa. Or at least convinces her to untie him.

And we see a guy who might be an elf who is trying to find Chris while in contact with someone else talking about reporting to the "big guy". They try to contact Chris but Avery breaks his phone before she trusts him.

Female lead physical profile: Avery, brunette, long hair, very cute

Female lead signature look: This all takes place over one day (mostly one night) so she's wearing the same outfit almost the entire time.

Female lead personality profile: An aspiring news anchor on the verge of her big break, who seems to be nepo-baby who wants to make it on her own and not based on her mom's work.

Female lead confidant(s): a coworker at the beginning who allows for some exposition

Male lead physical profile: He's Luke Macfarlane! One of the HM male stalwarts with one of the biggest crossover careers into "mainstream" (as if HM isn't) media (at least among those who weren't "mainstream" famous pre-HM). He's gay, but plays HM-straight, but had a lead role in Billy Eichner's Bros last year where his character was gay. *Very* on-screen gay and it hasn't seemed to affect his HM output, so point to HM? He also had a major supporting role in the Seth Rogan/Rose Byrne Apple+ show Platonic where he plays Byrne's husband. He's good at this stuff, very likable. Deep voice.

His character is named Chris.

Male lead signature look: a Santa suit

Male lead personality profile: Either a thief or Santa's son blowing his first chance to deliver presents

Male lead confidant(s): N/A

Admittedly shallow rating of the appropriateness of the relationship based on purely physical terms: A+

Snow: Lots. A Christmas Eve snowstorm is what I assume very conveniently knocks out 911? Maybe the rest of Dayton is burning?

Quality/realism of snow: The falling stuff looks foamy. They lean on a camera trick where there is "snow" falling out of focus in the foreground while the camera is focused on something beyond that. Makes it look like the snow is coming down hard without having to dump it all over the set?

See someone’s breath?: nope

Precocious child: Becca, a young neighbor. Chris thought Avery's house was Becca's.

Pets: no

Baking: no

Amnesia?: I was hoping, but no.

Product placement: no

Source of conflict/break-up after the leads fall for each other: Nothing interpersonally, just bad guys and a disappointed Santa dad

How the break-up is quickly resolved: The sled doesn’t travel through time linearly so Avery makes it to work in time to get on air and Chris can complete his deliveries and Santa dad realizes Chris is taking everything seriously.

Open mouth final kiss: Yes. There was also a makeout earlier in the movie involving a pickup truck and Avery in a backward trucker hat straddling Chris in the front seat. About as steamy as HM gets.

Recently deceased relative: no

Consumption of alcohol: Avery drinks a glass of red wine by herself before going to bed on Christmas Eve. There is a bar in the theater.

Obviously fake cups/mugs of hot liquid: Almost immediately, Avery and her coworker share empty cups of coffee as they watch Avery's rivals report the news

Snowball fight: no

Ice skating: no

Ugly Christmas sweaters: not as a plot point at least

Notable Christmas music: I guess not

Does Santa appear: well, yeah! And a sleigh and reindeer.

Town Christmas tree lighting: no

Christmas Market: no

Christmas tree shopping: no

Did my wife stay awake: N/A, one last night on my own

Yearbook quote: There are no second takes on the news.

or!

It's not what's on the inside that counts, but what's on the outside.

Montage: no!

General Observations:
-They went for the Catch Me If You Can comp with the opening credits, doing a brief homage to these:


like so:


-Unusual that there were actual unrepentant "bad" guys. No actual violence beyond some light kidnapping.
-The name of one of the rival anchors (who already has the position Avery wants) is Bink Binkerson
-This might be the last one of 2023, we'll see. I do want to watch the RLC flick.

[mister d]

No actual violence beyond some light kidnapping.

Might put this in my signature line a few months from now.

[rass]

Flipped past a 2023 movie this morning set at a Santa convention.

You can actually see their breath in the outdoor scenes, and given the number of extras wandering around dressed as Santa I’m guessing they filmed last Nov/Dec at an actual Santa con.