History lesson from Swamp #1

Okay . . . let's try this again.

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HDO45331
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History lesson from Swamp #1

Post by HDO45331 » Mon Jun 16, 2014 11:05 pm

This was a classic. I copied it, and saved it for posterity. I wish I had Jerloma's "Stones Plunge," though I thought it was Springsteen. Whatever.

Hoods Jorts/cabbage rolls

Motivated by Jerloma's classic "Stones Plunge" story in the "most abnormal way you've gotten hurt" thread.

Ok. Back in '95, I'm workin' as an assistant in some big corporate outfit in NYC. One of the secrataries, a pretty fine latin woman (I use "woman" intentionally, her system was bangin', and she had like 7 years on me) apparently dug me. Outta the blue, on a summer Saturday afternoon, she calls me at home -- musta got the number from one of my boys at work -- and invites me to the movies. I'm like sure. One, she's bangin'. Two, and more importantly, I now she likes to booze. Thing is, if she didn't drink I woulds said no. My game was (and is) mad suspect and if there's no alcohol involved all bets are off. Rewind a bit. I'd been trying to get in shape during the summer and was doing this crazy cabbage soup diet. You seriously can lose like 15 pounds in 7 days. The day she called, I was on day 4 which consisted of all the cabbage soup you want, coupled with 8 bananas and 8 glasses of skim milk. For "breakfast", I had 4 bananas and 4 glasses of skim milk. We were catchin' a matinee. Anyways, I throw on my new cross trainers, a G-town tank-top and some white denim shorts (don't ask). I meet her in midtown, at a one movie theater, and she's gonna take me to see Independence Day (shoulda took that as a sign). Anyways, were sitting in the theater and gas in passing through my stomach crazy. For some reason, my knucklehead ass didn't just get up and handle my bizness. Movie ends and I head to the men's room. Both stalls occupied. I had kinda started to let things go, thinkin' that I'd be able to jump right onto the seat. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Still occupied. Try and squeeze out a gaseous. No dice. It's liquid and lots of it. About a full two liters exploded from my backside, streamed down my legs, all over my new cross trainers, my white denims are now white and brown denims and honestly I'm just in a complete state of shock. Hands in head, kneeling, looking for a window so I can escape without having to see her. No dice. Dudes coming in the bathroom, "Jesus Christ, did somebody vomit it in here" "Holy shit it stinks" "What the hell happened in here" "Oh my God, IT STINKS!". Standing in a puddle of my shit, I grab one dude, tell him what the girl looks like and to tell her that a I had an upset stomach and that she should go home (the hope was that she would think I threw up and not that I shit myself). Finally, I get into a stall. Turns out the toilet paper is one of those deals where you basically get one little square every rip. Horrendous times. Some theater folks come in, ask if I've been doing drugs -- like 8 times -- and offer me a pair of pants (I'm a size 34 and they gave me a 42). Anyways, I throw out my shorts and draws. Throw on the 42's. Finish cleaning up. I'm ready to bounce and hear her voice outside the bathroom. I implore some dude to get her to leave. Eventually she does. I walk out, shit stains all up on my cross trainers, size 42 gray tux pants, and about 15 folks are just standing outside waiting to get a look at the dude who shit himself. I just hustle on by with head held very low, hit the first diner I see and get somethin' solid to eat. Call my bro, tell him the story, crackin' the fuck up and just praying that the girl thinks that I threw up. Get home. Check voice mail. "Hi, this is Karla, when you get home wash your booty and give me a call, hope you're feeling better."

Needless to say, I was not looking forward to work on Monday. I seriously almost quit. When I told my mother she almost had a heart attack crackin' up. Same thing with just 'bout everyone I've told the story to since. From horrendous times, to good times. Can not beat that!
It's the sixth version of The Swamp. What could possibly go wrong?

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Ryan
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Re: History lesson from Swamp #1

Post by Ryan » Tue Jun 17, 2014 8:12 am

Still holds up

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mister d
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Re: History lesson from Swamp #1

Post by mister d » Tue Jun 17, 2014 9:00 am

That could get reposted every day and I'd read it every day.
Rush2112 wrote:
Fri Feb 22, 2019 12:46 pm
Dude got a handjob like thousands of old dudes do every day. Big whoop.

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rass
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Re: History lesson from Swamp #1

Post by rass » Fri Jun 14, 2019 2:33 pm

I cropped out the rest of the image for a dumb joke earlier, but I guess I thought this was funny enough to save 13 years ago (and I guess funny or notable enough to share now). So innocent back then.

Image
I felt aswirl with warm secretions.

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brian
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Re: History lesson from Swamp #1

Post by brian » Fri Jun 14, 2019 2:35 pm

The DTP didn't shoot to kill back then.

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mister d
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Re: History lesson from Swamp #1

Post by mister d » Fri Jun 14, 2019 2:43 pm

mister d wrote:
Tue Jun 17, 2014 9:00 am
That could get reposted every day and I'd read it every day.
Still holds true.
Rush2112 wrote:
Fri Feb 22, 2019 12:46 pm
Dude got a handjob like thousands of old dudes do every day. Big whoop.

tennbengal
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Re: History lesson from Swamp #1

Post by tennbengal » Fri Jun 14, 2019 2:47 pm

Agreed.

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bfj
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Re: History lesson from Swamp #1

Post by bfj » Fri Jun 14, 2019 3:10 pm

mister d wrote:
Fri Jun 14, 2019 2:43 pm
mister d wrote:
Tue Jun 17, 2014 9:00 am
That could get reposted every day and I'd read it every day.
Still holds true.
It’s a masterpiece.

I believe Zaz had a shitting himself story video that was amazing as well.
Enjoy every sandwich.

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Ryan
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Re: History lesson from Swamp #1

Post by Ryan » Fri Jun 14, 2019 3:57 pm

It’s now been long enough that the language of the story is just as funny as the content. Bangin’ cross trainers 4eva.

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