Brontoburglar wrote:Brontoburglar wrote:Update!
So after attempting to figure things out -- and at times feeling like there was some progress made -- it's apparent there was none.
I won't get into the details, but it was evident that there was not going to be a change in how she felt regarding my family or my brother's fiance. She was invited to Christmas Eve dinner at my parents' house and she declined. She subsequently invited me to dinner at her friend's house (who I have never met) and then wasn't receptive when I attempted to explain that if she was uncomfortable at my parents' on Christmas Eve, how was I supposed to be comfortable at the house of a group of people I've never met while my parents are having dinner without me because she doesn't want to be with them?
That ended in an argument and her storming off to work on the morning of the 23rd. I haven't seen her since. I think she's with her family (I certainly hope so). I don't see this advancing any further and yeah, the timing royally sucks. But as far as I'm concerned, the Christmas issue (I tried to explain that we didn't have to spend Christmas together given that we've only been dating since September, but alas... she was hell-bent on trying to do that) and the ones with my family were symptoms of problems that would have flared up at some point anyway. It's better this happened now, even if it was at the holidays, than as we got further down the road.
This is just a weird situation.
Because of the holidays and my traveling, we didn't talk in person until Jan. 2. I expressed how I couldn't move forward because of what had been going on and how we couldn't resolve disputes, etc. It was not the answer she wanted and at the time she said she had "pushed me away." It was a bit perplexing, and there was no explanation for why she had when I had asked.
Over that past month she had been in a different spot. I figured it was because of the tension that started on Thanksgiving and her unhappiness with my attempts to resolve the situation. I asked repeatedly how she was doing when I noticed things were different, etc, and was always given the same response.
After we talked that day and I said I couldn't proceed, she said she wanted to hang out soon. That to me was odd, but I said OK because she wanted to use a gift card she had to a place in KC. OK, sure, we can go have a fun evening (we did it in the middle of the week) even if this is a little odd.
She tells me that night that she had gone to the doc early in December and got some potentially bad news (the big C was a possibility). She had a follow up appt the next day to do further tests. She was understandably scared, and I comforted her the best I could. However, I didn't understand why she didn't say anything about it. It was because she didn't want to ruin the holidays. Which kind of ended up happening anyway but that is beside the point. And the pushed away comment had more context.
It was fairly clear that the desire was the news would sway my feelings into reconsidering. I was taken aback, not by that desire, but by the news and said I'd be there but not in the former capacity. Because the whole thing felt odd to me -- not only did I not find out about this while we were dating, I didn't find out about it during our explicitly set up conversation to see where we stood.
That last sentence has haunted me this entire time. I can't get over the timing.
Anyway, she was set to find out at the end of this week. She sent me an email five days ago to get some things "off her chest." And again, it was clear that she was disappointed it didn't change anything.
We exchanged emails twice over the course of the last five days. In my last response yesterday, I flat out asked her what the diagnosis was. The big C had been mentioned twice in the previous email, but in a roundabout way. There was no "this is it," rather references to it being bigger than our arguments. She responded back tonight and ignored the question (making no references to anything) and accused me of overcomplicating the situation after I had told her I didn't agree with not being told earlier and I had made my decision based off the fact that I couldn't figure out an extenuating reason why things had changed.
At this point, I'm done responding. It's apparent I'm not going to find out the answer to the good news/bad news question unless I jump back into things, and it's something I simply can't do.
I'm willing to be there (again, not in that capacity), but at the same time, not when I'm being blamed for my handling of a situation that I didn't know about. I feel crappy about the whole thing because this looming possibility was clearly the reason for why all the sudden everything turned into a disagreement.
I'll feel even crappier about the situation if she got bad news. The guilt in that possibility makes it feel like I'm the guy who broke up with a girl who had you-know-what. And it's brutal. But at the same time... I didn't know. It had no bearing on the decision that I made because I had no earthly idea that this was going on. That's what I have to keep reminding myself, no matter how many more emails or texts I'll get. Shutting myself off feels extremely callous and cold.
But it also feels that way to read that I'm the one who's been the bad person. And to be clear, I don't view this as a good/bad or me vs. her scenario. I have no hard feelings and I truly wish the best for her. It just had become clear we weren't going to work.
Anyway... thanks for reading, even if this is a little vague. I appreciate it. I simply needed to vent because this is something I certainly have never dealt with before.
