The Swamp

DC47 wrote:

DC47 wrote:It's the response to Bronto's girlfriend that I'm pointing to as problematic. I grant that she was most likely behaving immaturely. However, she may have been responding to a lot more than a few comments from the fiancee. Context matters; life is rarely that simple.

If a relationship matters and things are confusing, it's worth leaning over backwards and then leaning some more to draw out what is really going on with another person. There's often far more complexity than appears to be the case. And it's important to recognize that really communicating can take time. Not just a lot of time spent in one get together. But getting together several times, leaving a lot of space for the other person. Not seeking a quick resolution or making it primarily about your concerns (e.g., 'shunning my family.')

OK, here's where the breakdown is -- I'm not going to get the "what is really going on" without jumping back into a relationship that I terminated. And jumping back into a relationship because a person is sick, or to find out if that person is sick, does not seem advisable.

The other person still isn't forthcoming? One hypothesis you have to take seriously is that you are at least part of the problem. You may simply not be seen by at least one person who is close to you as someone with a big enough heart to be genuinely sympathetic. Whatever happens with the relationship, and wherever the causality falls in retrospect, this is something you can learn from, if becoming a better human being is genuinely important to you. That's a much rarer trait than is generally understood.

Well, yes, a successful relationship takes two parties. As I previously said, this is not one vs. the other here.

govmentchedda wrote:Even if what she's saying is true, I'd run like hell.

When I revealed this latest thing to the parents, my dad immediately wondered if it was.

I bet everyone reading the longer post had the same thought.

But you don't even know what news she is waiting for. Let there be no guilt even if it is a horrible bit of news.

You didn't know, and still don't know.

I went to college with a guy who was still tight with his girlfriend back home in Iowa. He was interested in a girl we all knew at school and told several of us that he was going to break it off with the Iowa girlfriend when he went home for Christmas his (our) senior year. When he came back, he said he couldn't break it off because she told him she had cancer. In fact, he got engaged to her! So, he got married the following summer. I went to the bachelor party in Colorado (not close enough friends to go back to Iowa for his wedding.) Found out that she then told him sometime shortly afterward that the doctor said the cancer had disappeared. Everybody thought she had played him, but he never shared his own thoughts on the matter, as far as I know.

Maybe I'm too cynical, but I couldn't help thinking of that story as I read Bronto's post.

Brontoburglar wrote:OK, here's where the breakdown is -- I'm not going to get the "what is really going on" without jumping back into a relationship that I terminated. And jumping back into a relationship because a person is sick, or to find out if that person is sick, does not seem advisable.

Note my comment began with "If a relationship matters ..."

I was referring to the past, when this relationship was apparently important to you and you were trying to figure out what was going on. Not the present, when my impression is that you have thoroughly moved on.

yeah i dont think this can end well.

I have a friend whose story is similar to the one sancarlos told. But instead of cancer it was pregnancy. He was going to break up until she said she was pregnant. So he felt he had to marry her. Shotgun wedding. Turns out she never was pregnant and he still tried to keep the marriage going for a few more years. Then she really had a baby and then she cheated on him.

My advice remains the same- run away.

I need more context for even this, but if you cannot get a straight answer for "Do you have cancer or not?" then this whole thing is fucked up to me. It's fucking cancer. Not a cold or something easily manageable. Cancer.

That's fucked up. She can't guilt you like that.

When I eventually broke it off with my ex (A year too late), she tried to keep me around with a pregnancy scare. When it was revealed she wasn't actually pregnant it was then "What about my son? Aren't you going to be there for him?" Every possible scenario that could keep me around was tried. Nope. I told her to be a woman and handle her shit. It's her kid, not mine. I was cold in the breakup, but she was the one who put me there to begin with.

This is narcissistic behavior and you don't need it. Get the fuck away as far as you can.

Expose her to uranium, give her real cancer and then nobody feels bad about it anymore.

I swear to god at this point I think Bronto must have been dating DC's daughter.

A_B wrote:I swear to god at this point I think Bronto must have been dating DC's daughter.

(Double-checks my Swampcrash matchup...)

degenerasian wrote:yeah i dont think this can end well.

I have a friend whose story is similar to the one sancarlos told. But instead of cancer it was pregnancy. He was going to break up until she said she was pregnant. So he felt he had to marry her. Shotgun wedding. Turns out she never was pregnant and he still tried to keep the marriage going for a few more years. Then she really had a baby and then she cheated on him.

Fuck, I can't imagine jumping into a shotgun wedding with someone you don't want to be with. I have several friends who had girlfriends pull the "I'm pregnant" defense during a breakup conversation. All faked. One fell for it, and stayed with the girl for a few more months. None of us believed her, and she copped to it a few weeks later, and he still stayed with her. This was in college, so it was more of a balance between regular sex and dealing with a psycho. I had this happen to me, except the girl actually was pregnant. I didn't believe her at first, as it felt like a desperate attempt to keep the relationship. What I don't get is why women want to guilt a guy into staying in the relationship because of a lie. A huge lie.

Bronto, the fact she is being vague and won't tell you what the scare is or the diagnosis strongly suggests she is playing on your sympathies and guilt. Saying she won't tell you what she is alluding to unless you are back in BF status is crazy. You should feel absolutely no guilt. If she wants to tell you, tell you. What are the possibilities here? She tells you it is cancer or something horrible, then you really feel guilty for breaking it off, or worse, stay with her because of that. You get back with her and it is nothing, what then, immediately end things again? Run the fuck away, don't let yourself feel guilty because she is clearly playing for sympathy and guilt to get you back. Fucked up. If there is this much drama this early, and she refuses to see your family, end it.

Side note, a friend fell into this situation recently. He started dating a close childhood and HS friend, never dated her before. After a year or so, he decided to end the relationship, but before he actually did, she was diagnosed with cervical cancer. He felt he couldn't break up with her then, and as her BF and longtime friend, he went through the whole treatment process with her, which was more than a year of roller coaster swings in prognosis. He has known her family since he was a kid, so he is that much more tied in with her family at hospital stays, chemo treatments and the like. I'm a lot closer with this friend's brother, so I have all of this second hand. Last time I saw the brother, the GF was in the hospital with no expectation of making it out. He was spending pretty much all of his time in the hospital with this girl, keeping up the BF front. He bought an engagement ring and was planning on proposing, knowing she had maybe a week left, because he felt so guilty wanted her to die thinking was in a relationship leading to marriage. Going through this for more than a year had to destroy his psyche, and it doesn't help that he is diagnosed as schizophrenic. Meds supposedly stabilized his condition, but that still can't be good.

Moral of the story, don't get suckered in out of guilt. Hell, if she doesn't even tell you what is going on, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Between the "trying to get you to pick her over your family" and "trying to draw you back in with cancer", I just wonder when she would stop trying to control you.

DSafetyGuy wrote:Between the "trying to get you to pick her over your family" and "trying to draw you back in with cancer", I just wonder when she would stop trying to control you.

Maybe when both cancers were gone.

mister d wrote:

DSafetyGuy wrote:Between the "trying to get you to pick her over your family" and "trying to draw you back in with cancer", I just wonder when she would stop trying to control you.

Maybe when both cancers were gone.

Ryan wrote:

A_B wrote:I swear to god at this point I think Bronto must have been dating DC's daughter.

(Double-checks my Swampcrash matchup...)

You've got an easier match than that.

DSafetyGuy wrote:Between the "trying to get you to pick her over your family" and "trying to draw you back in with cancer", I just wonder when she would stop trying to control you.

maybe never! I am expecting a "are you going to respond?" message in the next couple days.

So im off to 'Nam.

There is a joke somewhere there for Howard

degenerasian wrote:So im off to 'Nam.

There is a joke somewhere there for Howard

God luck my man! I'd say hope you're back for the Cup playoffs, but alas no Canadian teams.

Enjoy it Peter!

Hope it's a fantastic trip.

Good luck degen.

Congrats.

Congrats degen.

Congratulations and good luck!

What's going to happen with this thread with guys starting to settle down?

I refer you to Tammy Wynette

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Mazel Tov Degen! I had no idea this was happening since I'm rarely in this thread (I've been with my wife since I was 15, I don't know from dating). A long happy life for you and your bride to be.

Nah. Get out while there's still time.

We'll always have Bronto and Johnnie. (Not together. That would be weird.)

Ha. Yea, I'm never getting married. Congrats, Degen!

I just got here. 22 hours travel time.

And its 95 degrees.

Further commentary from marital experts Tammy and George.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9KniULwvjE

degenerasian wrote:I just got here. 22 hours travel time.

And its 95 degrees.

Please live blog this Cousins Dangereaux experience. Millions at home watching with bated breath.

BSF21 wrote:

degenerasian wrote:I just got here. 22 hours travel time.

And its 95 degrees.

Please live blog this Cousins Dangereaux experience. Millions at home wacking with bated breath.

FTFY.

brian wrote:We'll always have Bronto and Johnnie. (Not together. That would be weird.)

Yeah, bronto never had an affinity for the dark meat, as far as I know.

Eta: good luck Degen!

So, asking for a friend...

If, let's say, a friend of yours has this fantasy of a girl doing a rail of coke off his dick. But the friend has a job where he's piss tested randomly, what's the likelihood he can pop hot after he fulfills his fantasy?

I've already told him, via Google, that powdered cocaine is absorbed through mucus membranes and he shouldn't have to worry, but still. He's a bit worried.

What can I tell him?

Johnnie wrote:So, asking for a friend...

If, let's say, a friend of yours has this fantasy of a girl doing a rail of coke off his dick. But the friend has a job where he's piss tested randomly, what's the likelihood he can pop hot after he fulfills his fantasy?

I've already told him, via Google, that powdered cocaine is absorbed through mucus membranes and he shouldn't have to worry, but still. He's a bit worried.

What can I tell him?

I don't have experience with coke, but I did randomly drug screen people for about 18 months. All the scuttle I heard was that coke gets pushed out of the system in 3-4 days, in contrast to something like weed, which can pop you positive for up to a month or so depending on how much you're smoking.

Take it with a grain of salt (or coke), just what I heard when working at a rehab clinic.

Yeah, my brother who was a pharmacist told me the same thing about the amount of time coke and weed stay in one's system.

So, you should be good, Johnnie, as long as your test isn't right away. I'd worry more about keeping the stiffy level for her, so the coke doesn't spill.

I guess Johnnie can hold it for his "friend" Sancarlos.