Random Headlines

Ryan · Post by **Ryan** » Thu Apr 02, 2015 1:31 pm

Giff wrote:My wife is a writer/editor for one of the biggest hospitals here. Here's the headline she was given for an article that was submitted for their monthly magazine:

Hemodynamic Changes Associated with Manual and Automated Lateral Turning in Mechanically Ventilated Intensive Care Unit Patients

Catchy!

How long are months down there?

howard · Post by **howard** » Thu Apr 02, 2015 1:52 pm

A machine that turns patients? Does the machine reconnect the ventilator tubing when it comes loose (as it often does when turning a patient?)

I'm hooked.

ETA: she can try this instead: Cardiovascular Impact of Manual and Automated Turns in ICU

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Thu Apr 02, 2015 2:21 pm

Giff wrote:My wife is a writer/editor for one of the biggest hospitals here. Here's the headline she was given for an article that was submitted for their monthly magazine:

Hemodynamic Changes Associated with Manual and Automated Lateral Turning in Mechanically Ventilated Intensive Care Unit Patients

Catchy!

And thus the inspiration for my Bulwer-Lytton submission.

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Thu Apr 02, 2015 4:56 pm

howard wrote:A machine that turns patients? Does the machine reconnect the ventilator tubing when it comes loose (as it often does when turning a patient?)

I'm hooked.

ETA: she can try this instead: Cardiovascular Impact of Manual and Automated Turns in ICU

Hey Howard, just a note... - it fucks up the joke a bit when you take it too seriously...

DC47 · Post by **DC47** » Thu Apr 02, 2015 4:58 pm

Nothing a few hyphens wouldn't straighten out.

Post by **Sabo** » Mon May 11, 2015 10:08 am

Alex Rodriguez's taint by numbers

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Wed May 13, 2015 8:40 am

Swedish Peace Group Launches Gay Sonar Against Russian Subs

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Fri May 15, 2015 11:06 am

I didn't know where else to put this. FoxNews contributor doesn't blames Amtrak derailment on the fact that the conductor is gay. BUT, it does have to be considered, and she is sure it will be glossed over. When someone is confused, they may find it difficult to concentrate. Bitch, the guy wasn't confused. He knew he was gay.

Post by **brian** » Fri May 15, 2015 11:10 am

I don't know how anyone with even a modicum of intelligence can take Fox News seriously. Or pretty much any cable news for that matter.

rass · Post by **rass** » Tue May 19, 2015 1:13 pm

Bear Terrorizes Scituate Jr High School

Johnny Carwash · Post by **Johnny Carwash** » Thu May 28, 2015 2:33 pm

I enjoy living in a place where this is the top story:

Van carrying 55-60 puppies, cats overturns on 1-95
Police say 1 person injured, animals appear OK

rass · Post by **rass** » Fri May 29, 2015 11:10 am

Johnny Carwash · Post by **Johnny Carwash** » Mon Jun 29, 2015 7:08 pm

Not what I thought:

St. Bernard to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples

Brontoburglar · Post by **Brontoburglar** » Wed Jul 01, 2015 8:14 am

Maryland swampers, what the hell? http://news.yahoo.com/death-maryland-bo ... 05331.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

rass · Post by **rass** » Wed Jul 01, 2015 8:23 am

Brontoburglar wrote:Maryland swampers, what the hell? http://news.yahoo.com/death-maryland-bo ... 05331.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Oh man. That story took a turn from impossibly sad and really creepy to impossibly horrible and really sad.

Brontoburglar · Post by **Brontoburglar** » Wed Jul 01, 2015 8:25 am

rass wrote:
Brontoburglar wrote:Maryland swampers, what the hell? http://news.yahoo.com/death-maryland-bo ... 05331.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
Oh man. That story took a turn from impossibly sad and really creepy to impossibly horrible and really sad.

I may have 100 questions. Just insane.

tennbengal · Post by **tennbengal** » Wed Jul 01, 2015 8:27 am

rass wrote:
Brontoburglar wrote:Maryland swampers, what the hell? http://news.yahoo.com/death-maryland-bo ... 05331.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
Oh man. That story took a turn from impossibly sad and really creepy to impossibly horrible and really sad.

The boy was alive Wednesday when he was placed in the swing where he stayed until police found him, Richardson said.

Police did not give a time of death, but Thursday's temperatures were unseasonably cold, Richardson said.

For fuckssake, it wasn't THAT cold.

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Wed Jul 01, 2015 8:38 am

Some more details.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/she ... story.html

Just weeks before sheriff’s deputies found Romechia Simms pushing her dead preschooler on a park swing in Southern Maryland, she argued in D.C. Superior Court documents obtained by The Washington Post that she was a better, more capable parent than her former boyfriend, James “Donnell” Lee, who’d filed for full custody of Ji’Aire.

Lee, 29, told the court he was concerned about Simms’s mental stability after episodes of erratic behavior, including jumping from a moving cab, led to her hospitalization.

“I do not believe she can safely care for our son,” he wrote in his March custody petition. “I am concerned about my child’s safety and well being. I want to make sure that our son is safe.”

Goes on to be a horrible, depressing story.

I understand that the courts and the child welfare system must be overburdened, but man. This poor kid.

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Wed Jul 01, 2015 8:41 am

Can he sue the shit out of them? I obviously don't know him, and he may not be fit either, but so many of these agencies default to the mother and the father has to pass some incredible burden to get primary caregiving responsibilities, no?

Brontoburglar · Post by **Brontoburglar** » Wed Jul 01, 2015 9:11 am

tennbengal wrote:
rass wrote:
Brontoburglar wrote:Maryland swampers, what the hell? http://news.yahoo.com/death-maryland-bo ... 05331.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
Oh man. That story took a turn from impossibly sad and really creepy to impossibly horrible and really sad.

The boy was alive Wednesday when he was placed in the swing where he stayed until police found him, Richardson said.

Police did not give a time of death, but Thursday's temperatures were unseasonably cold, Richardson said.
For fuckssake, it wasn't THAT cold.

According to Accuweather, the low for La Plata was 62 on Thursday. So... yeah.

rass · Post by **rass** » Fri Jul 31, 2015 1:28 pm

Drea De Matteo Got Engaged At A Whitesnake Concert To The Band’s Bassist

In NJ, no less.

Browsing her wiki page, this apparently the second time she has been engaged. To a musician (first guy was Waylon Jenning's kid). Who proposed to her on stage during a concert.

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Thu Aug 06, 2015 5:55 am

Not a headline, but a correction from The Toronto Star.

Correction – July 30, 2015: This article was edited from a previous version that mistakenly said Al Haymon is the subject of a $100 lawsuit.

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Wed Aug 19, 2015 9:47 am

The perfect Oklahoma headline

Man accidentally shoots self while guarding 'Muslim-free' gun store

Johnny Carwash · Post by **Johnny Carwash** » Thu Aug 20, 2015 4:44 pm

Actual headline on the NYT front page right now:

Abandoning the Work I Hated
By ROBERT MARKOWITZ
When I gave up law and started being a clown, I knew what it meant to be happy.

Insert random How is that actually a career change? joke here.

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Tue Aug 25, 2015 6:28 am

Johnny Carwash wrote:Actual headline on the NYT front page right now:

Abandoning the Work I Hated
By ROBERT MARKOWITZ
When I gave up law and started being a clown, I knew what it meant to be happy.
Insert random How is that actually a career change? joke here.

And just how long after the career change did his parents commit suicide?

rass · Post by **rass** » Tue Aug 25, 2015 6:29 am

Man dies after being run over by WWII tank on Jelly Belly chairman's property

Johnny Carwash · Post by **Johnny Carwash** » Wed Sep 23, 2015 8:34 am

The song "Happy Birthday" was finally ruled to be in the public domain, likely meaning the end of the fake alternate birthday songs you hear in movies/TV/chain restaurants.

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Tue Sep 29, 2015 4:29 am

Ottawa cheerleader-turned teen pimp arrested in crack bust months after she was released from jail.

http://news.nationalpost.com/news/canad ... -from-jail

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Tue Oct 13, 2015 6:39 am

Jerusalem Man With Nunchucks Subdues Terrorist.

http://www.tabletmag.com/scroll/194145/ ... gn=oct2015

Post by **Shirley** » Tue Oct 13, 2015 8:37 am

Ninjew!

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Tue Oct 13, 2015 8:58 am

See! Guns aren't the answer!

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Tue Oct 13, 2015 10:03 am

Shirley wrote:Ninjew!

Bruce Leebowitz!

Rush2112 · Post by **Rush2112** » Tue Oct 13, 2015 10:27 am

So we know what SuperJew has been up to.

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Tue Oct 13, 2015 10:28 am

For Jelusarem!

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Tue Oct 13, 2015 11:09 am

Chow Yun-Schmaltz!

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Tue Oct 13, 2015 1:23 pm

Pruitt wrote:Chow Yun-Schmaltz!

Crackerjack!

Johnny Carwash · Post by **Johnny Carwash** » Wed Oct 14, 2015 1:19 pm

Here's a lede: A former meerkat expert at London Zoo has been ordered to pay compensation to a monkey handler she attacked with a wine glass in a love spat over a llama-keeper.

Johnny Carwash · Post by **Johnny Carwash** » Fri Oct 23, 2015 10:20 pm

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Fri Oct 23, 2015 11:34 pm

REALLY hate to do it.

http://www.snopes.com/woman-arrested-sausage-walmart/

From snopes:

Now8News is a fake news site camouflaged as a local television news outlet and publishes nothing but fictitious clickbait articles. Now8News has previously posted made-up stories about a woman being arrested for "trying on" tampons, an obese woman starving her children, and a man being arrested for having sex with a pig.

howard · Post by **howard** » Fri Oct 23, 2015 11:36 pm

Pruitt wrote: From snopes:
Now8News is a fake news site camouflaged as a local television news outlet and publishes nothing but fictitious clickbait articles. Now8News has previously posted made-up stories about…a man being arrested for having sex with a pig.

Well duh. David Cameron didn't get arrested.