Random Headlines

Ryan · Post by **Ryan** » Wed Jan 27, 2016 12:31 pm

Alternate headline - Woman With Period Finishes 6th in Half-Marathon

rass · Post by **rass** » Wed Jan 27, 2016 12:35 pm

Ryan wrote:Alternate headline - Woman With Period Finishes 6th in Half-Marathon

But the rabbit died?

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Wed Jan 27, 2016 4:04 pm

Man Was Watching Porn While Driving Before Fatal Crash

Luckily a one car accident only.

On Tuesday, FOX 2 was speaking with Michigan State Police troopers about a different story when MSP revealed the man had been watching pornography and masturbating while driving. MSP also said the 58-year-old man was not wearing pants at the time of the crash.

Gold! Comedy gold!

Giff · Post by **Giff** » Thu Jan 28, 2016 11:42 am

I thought Eddie Griffin died a while back!

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Thu Jan 28, 2016 12:02 pm

Giff wrote:I thought Eddie Griffin died a while back!

Shout out to the pioneer!

Giff · Post by **Giff** » Thu Jan 28, 2016 12:06 pm

I did it once, but with an old fashioned magazine dammit!

Post by **brian** » Thu Jan 28, 2016 12:28 pm

Guessing the accident involved mostly trying to watch a video while driving. If you can't email your brother and operate a car at the same time you shouldn't be doing either.

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Thu Jan 28, 2016 5:29 pm

brian wrote:Guessing the accident involved mostly trying to watch a video while driving. If you can't email your brother and operate a car at the same time you shouldn't be doing either.

Guy was in his late 50s. Not really the age when the dick is all that demanding.

You know, death is something that we don't want to think about - it is the dark inevitability that awaits us all. The best that we can hope for is that when it comes, it is when our faculties have just started to decline, after a long life that has left us in a place where, when we do look back during our last days, we can be satisfied that our time on earth was not wasted. That we have made a difference, whether through our actions, or through the fact that we have created generations that will make the world a better place after we drift off (God willing, peacefully) into the final unknown.

The worst thing that could ever happen is to die in such a way that it makes people around the world laugh.

From the New York Daily News:

He should have kept his hands on the wheel.

A distracted Michigan driver was killed in a car wreck he caused by watching porn and masturbating instead of watching the road, Michigan State Police told FOX 2 Detroit.

Clifford Ray Jones, 58, was "beating" on Detroit’s Interstate 75 early Sunday when the skin-flick distraction on his smartphone caused him to roll out of control. Jones wasn't wearing a seatbelt and was ejected from the 1996 Toyota's sunroof.

Cops found the motor-masturbator without any pants on when authorities arrived around 3:30 a.m. at the scene of the crash.

Michigan State Police Lt. Mike Shaw said the porn-induced crash was one of the most bizarre things he had ever heard of.

“We see people putting on makeup, we see people doing different things as far as hygiene, as far as reading books, it’s almost to the fact there’s so much technology out there a lot of people are more paying attention to what they’re doing other than driving their cars,” Shaw told CBS Detroit.

I would pay to hear the eulogy at the "Motor-Masturbator's" funeral.

howard · Post by **howard** » Thu Jan 28, 2016 5:47 pm

A pro is able to do that with the seatbelt on. Safety first!

rass · Post by **rass** » Thu Jan 28, 2016 8:54 pm

howard wrote:A pro is able to do that with the seatbelt on. Safety comes first!

rass · Post by **rass** » Mon Feb 01, 2016 8:49 am

This week in me noticing magazine covers in the checkout line:

P.D.X. · Post by **P.D.X.** » Thu Feb 11, 2016 3:56 pm

You can accidentally get an STD from a koala

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Thu Feb 11, 2016 4:05 pm

P.D.X. wrote:You can accidentally get an STD from a koala

But who is dumb enough to fuck a koala without a condom? Fuck, you don't know where she's been.

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Thu Feb 11, 2016 4:07 pm

Fuckin' koalas ain't hard.

Post by **Shirley** » Thu Feb 11, 2016 4:11 pm

The Sybian wrote:
P.D.X. wrote:You can accidentally get an STD from a koala
But who is dumb enough to fuck a koala without a condom? Fuck, you don't know where she's been.

Hey when are you going to make it back to Australia?

Giff · Post by **Giff** » Thu Feb 11, 2016 4:31 pm

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Thu Feb 11, 2016 5:40 pm

The Sybian wrote:
P.D.X. wrote:You can accidentally get an STD from a koala
But who is dumb enough to fuck a koala without a condom? Fuck, you don't know where she's been.

But, the guys figured, "I'm never going back to Australia, so what do I care if she's pregnant!"

Post by **brian** » Wed Feb 17, 2016 2:44 pm

Garfield porn drives God off Twitter.

Frontrunner for headline of the year, 2016.

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Mon Mar 14, 2016 6:35 am

Blue Jays fan threatens to toss Ted Rogers statue into harbour, prompting police response

Rogers was the much loathed owner of a media/cable empire who bought the Jays a while ago. He's dead, and in his honour, there's a laregr than life statue outside the stadium.

A hilarious overreaction, but not sure how safe I feel when it took the police 3 weeks to respond to this threat.

Johnny Carwash · Post by **Johnny Carwash** » Thu Mar 17, 2016 4:09 pm

FDA investigating video that purportedly shows Kellogg's employee urinating on Rice Krispies Treats

govmentchedda · Post by **govmentchedda** » Thu Mar 17, 2016 4:56 pm

Dictionary getting bigger

Post by **brian** » Thu Mar 17, 2016 5:00 pm

Johnny Carwash wrote:FDA investigating video that purportedly shows Kellogg's employee urinating on Rice Krispies Treats

Never would have happened if they left the factory in Battle Creek. Just desserts (pun intended).

Johnny Carwash · Post by **Johnny Carwash** » Thu Mar 17, 2016 5:04 pm

If you find out you've had one of the tainted treats, make sure to wash it down with a nice Corona.

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Fri Mar 18, 2016 5:07 am

govmentchedda wrote:Dictionary getting bigger

Can't wait for my next scrabble game!

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Fri Mar 25, 2016 11:11 pm

Doc says there's a reason his semen could be on a patient's face

rass · Post by **rass** » Wed Mar 30, 2016 9:28 am

Police: Report of body in car trunk turns out to be Dora the Explorer

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Wed Mar 30, 2016 10:02 am

rass wrote:Police: Report of body in car trunk turns out to be Dora the Explorer

Did they check her papers?

BSF21 · Post by **BSF21** » Wed Mar 30, 2016 10:16 am

sancarlos wrote:Doc says there's a reason his semen could be on a patient's face

Wrong thread.

Ryan · Post by **Ryan** » Wed Mar 30, 2016 10:17 am

Ryan wrote:Alternate headline - Woman With Period Finishes 6th in Half-Marathon

I really liked this one.

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Wed Mar 30, 2016 10:52 am

Ryan wrote:
Ryan wrote:Alternate headline - Woman With Period Finishes 6th in Half-Marathon
I really liked this one.

Yeah, that was a gold star comment for sure.

Post by **brian** » Wed Mar 30, 2016 3:29 pm

Nurse gives up license after taking photos of patient's penis.

Guessing it was either ridiculously huge or ridiculously small.

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Wed Mar 30, 2016 4:39 pm

brian wrote:Nurse gives up license after taking photos of patient's penis.

Guessing it was either ridiculously huge or ridiculously small.

I'd let her take my picture,

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Fri Apr 01, 2016 12:39 am

15 diarrhea horror stories that'll make you feel better about yourself

mister d · Post by **mister d** » Fri Apr 01, 2016 8:31 am

(... unless you're lurking, Hood.)

Post by **Shirley** » Sat Apr 02, 2016 11:34 pm

sancarlos wrote:15 diarrhea horror stories that'll make you feel better about yourself

I'm always amazed at just how many people have violently shat themselves.

rass · Post by **rass** » Fri Apr 29, 2016 6:38 am

I don't think it gets much more random than this:

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Fri Apr 29, 2016 9:37 am

Shirley wrote:
sancarlos wrote:15 diarrhea horror stories that'll make you feel better about yourself
I'm always amazed at just how many people have violently shat themselves.

I had to pull off the interstate and hop a fence and shit in a cow field not 20 feet from a heifer one time. Came back missing a sock.

Rex · Post by **Rex** » Wed May 04, 2016 11:18 am

They rejected my idea: Horse Good At Sex

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Wed May 11, 2016 8:00 pm

FDA: Frosted Flakes Healthier Than an Avocado

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Sun Jun 05, 2016 5:32 pm

Somebody's watched some Monty Python.