JOKES

[Pruitt]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

That's great.

I think I am going to use that joke in court. The ambiguity of the phrase "make sure" or "ensure" is at the heart of the big lawsuit I've been dealing with for the past year.

You can open with jokes in court?

So it is like on TV?

[Rush2112]

Why haven't I ever met a full blooded jew?

All of the ones I've met have just been Jew-ish

[Johnny Carwash]

A Scotsman is driving along a remote road in the Highlands. As he approaches a hill, a single car appears coming from the other direction. As the car passes, the female motorist leans her head out the window and shouts to him, "PIG!"

Instinctively, the man leans out his own window and replies, "BITCH!" then settles back into his seat.

A moment later he crests the hill and slams into the pig standing in the middle of the road.

[sancarlos]

At a U2 concert in Newfoundland, Bono asks the audience for some quiet, and then he slowly starts to clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A Newfie in the front yells out, “Then stop clappin' you asshole!"

[Jerloma]

What do me and neutrinos have in common?





















We're both constantly penetrating your mom.

[Pruitt]

Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street when a 7 year old boy walks by.

Priest say,"Boy, I'd like to fuck that."

Rabbi says, "Out of what?"

[howard]

Whats the difference between J-Lo's mom and a washing machine?



The washing machine doesn't follow me around for three weeks after I drop a load into it.

[Jerloma]

SC clearly has a B line at the 2016 Senior Swamper of the year title.

[sancarlos]

Welcome to compulsive liars anonymous. Let me start by saying this is the best looking group we've ever had!

[L-Jam3]

True story.

At the café just now at my work, I was topping my coffee off with a pitcher of milk. A woman next to me asked "soy milk?"

To which I replied "no. Usted humano."

[mister d]

If I were there (and knew spanish without having to put it into the google translator) I would have laughed a lot.

[kranepool]

Yossel the Hassid is in London on business. It's now one hour to shabbos and he's all dressed up in his shabbos clothes ready to go to a local shul.

He takes the lift to the ground floor and walks towards the exit, as he reaches the reception area he sees a stunning British Airways hostess with blond hair and a face and figure you could die for. She has just checked in. As soon as she sees Yossel, she stops in her tracks and walks quickly over to him.

"Hello," she says to him.

"Hello to you too," he says.

"I have a confession to make," she says.

"What is it?" he asks.

"I have a sexual fantasy," she says.

"Nu, so go on," he says.

"I've always wanted to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzis and my fingers through his beard, play with his peyess, eat kichel with him, poke my finger in his puppik, remove his gatkes, play with his shlong and then shtup. So I want you to join me now. I have a room upstairs just waiting for us. What do you say?"

Yossel looks at her thoughtfully and says, "And what's in it for me?"

[Jerloma]

I told God a holocaust joke once. He didn't laugh. So I said, "Well, I guess you had to be there."

[RSmith]

One of my favorites:

The KGB, the GIGN, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA people go in first. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The GIGN goes next. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. Finally, KGB goes in. They come out two hours later, dragging a badly beaten bear yelling "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[mister d]

I told God a holocaust joke once. He didn't laugh. So I said, "Well, I guess you had to be there."

What's white and fucks up superfun drafts for everyone (especially the creator) by disappearing?

[Pruitt]

Woman walks into a hardware store, and the manager asks her if she needs help.

"Yes," she says, "I need a hinge."

"Oh," he says, "do you wanna screw for that hinge?"

She thinks and then says "No. But I'll blow you for that toaster in the corner."

[The Sybian]

I told God a holocaust joke once. He didn't laugh. So I said, "Well, I guess you had to be there."

This might be the greatest joke of all-time. I don't believe in God, and yet I felt pity for him on this burn.

[Jerloma]

I told God a holocaust joke once. He didn't laugh. So I said, "Well, I guess you had to be there."

This might be the greatest joke of all-time. I don't believe in God, and yet I felt pity for him on this burn.

Right? You have no idea how many people either don't get it or don't think it's funny. I told one of the most intelligent people I know that joke, and he smiles and says, "Can I hear the holocaust joke?"

Although, in his defense, he is 80.

[tennbengal]

I told God a holocaust joke once. He didn't laugh. So I said, "Well, I guess you had to be there."

Yeah. This is tremendous.

[L-Jam3]

Q: Why do Republicans like to fuck doggystyle?

A: So they both can watch Birth of a Nation.




Just a little workshoppin'.

[mister d]

"Because dogs hate laying on their backs."

[bfj]

My wife got mad at me because I didn't appreciate the new marble counter tops she had installed. I'll admit, I took them for granite.

[BSF21]

My wife keeps asking me to bang her on the hood of her Honda Civic.

I said absolutely not. If we're going to do that shit, it's going to be on my own Accord.

[rass]

But it's HR-V.

[Pruitt]

Q: Why do Republicans like to fuck doggystyle?

A: So they both can watch Birth of a Nation.




Just a little workshoppin'.

I heard that joke about French Canadians.

A: So they can both watch the hockey game.

[Shirley]

Q: Why do Republicans like to fuck doggystyle?

A: So they both can watch Birth of a Nation.




Just a little workshoppin'.

I heard that joke about French Canadians.

A: So they can both watch the hockey game.

[TT2.0]

There was an asian waitress who was getting yelled at by her boss for showing up late during my set and i said the phrase

"Leave her alone, she was probably stuck in sex traffic..ing"

I'm kinda proud but also really ashamed of myself

[EnochRoot]

There was an asian waitress who was getting yelled at by her boss for showing up late during my set and i said the phrase

"Leave her alone, she was probably stuck in sex traffic..ing"

I'm kinda proud but also really ashamed of myself

I think you should relapse to work on your comedy.

[duff]

There was an asian waitress who was getting yelled at by her boss for showing up late during my set and i said the phrase

"Leave her alone, she was probably stuck in sex traffic..ing"

I'm kinda proud but also really ashamed of myself

I think you should relapse to work on your comedy.

Both the traffic and sex trafficking work.

[EnochRoot]

There was an asian waitress who was getting yelled at by her boss for showing up late during my set and i said the phrase

"Leave her alone, she was probably stuck in sex traffic..ing"

I'm kinda proud but also really ashamed of myself

I think you should relapse to work on your comedy.

Both the traffic and sex trafficking work.

It works even better when the waitress was there to see him make fun of her being yelled at by her boss to a roomful of people. That's the stuff.

[bfj]

There was an asian waitress who was getting yelled at by her boss for showing up late during my set and i said the phrase

"Leave her alone, she was probably stuck in sex traffic..ing"

I'm kinda proud but also really ashamed of myself

I think you should relapse to work on your comedy.

Both the traffic and sex trafficking work.

It works even better when the waitress was there to see him make fun of her being yelled at by her boss to a roomful of people. That's the stuff.

You mean the waitress who works in the comedy club, where comedians work and make jokes? That waitress? Wishing someone would relapse is a good one though.

[EnochRoot]

There was an asian waitress who was getting yelled at by her boss for showing up late during my set and i said the phrase

"Leave her alone, she was probably stuck in sex traffic..ing"

I'm kinda proud but also really ashamed of myself

I think you should relapse to work on your comedy.

Both the traffic and sex trafficking work.

It works even better when the waitress was there to see him make fun of her being yelled at by her boss to a roomful of people. That's the stuff.

You mean the waitress who works in the comedy club, where comedians work and make jokes? That waitress? Wishing someone would relapse is a good one though.

He made it about her race and ethnicity. Thanks, I thought so too.

[Ryan]

There was an asian waitress who was getting yelled at by her boss for showing up late during my set and i said the phrase

"Leave her alone, she was probably stuck in sex traffic..ing"

I'm kinda proud but also really ashamed of myself

The "...ing" doesn't do anything there unless you left "sex" out.

[bfj]

There was an asian waitress who was getting yelled at by her boss for showing up late during my set and i said the phrase

"Leave her alone, she was probably stuck in sex traffic..ing"

I'm kinda proud but also really ashamed of myself

I think you should relapse to work on your comedy.

Both the traffic and sex trafficking work.

It works even better when the waitress was there to see him make fun of her being yelled at by her boss to a roomful of people. That's the stuff.

You mean the waitress who works in the comedy club, where comedians work and make jokes? That waitress? Wishing someone would relapse is a good one though.

He made it about her race and ethnicity. Thanks, I thought so too.

As a part of a joke. In a comedy club. While on stage. Where you make jokes. To try and make people laugh.

[A_B]

She didn't expect nor ask to be a part of the act, though. She was already in a bad spot and the joke made it worse, IMO, by drawing attention.

[EnochRoot]

I think you should relapse to work on your comedy.

Both the traffic and sex trafficking work.

It works even better when the waitress was there to see him make fun of her being yelled at by her boss to a roomful of people. That's the stuff.

You mean the waitress who works in the comedy club, where comedians work and make jokes? That waitress? Wishing someone would relapse is a good one though.

He made it about her race and ethnicity. Thanks, I thought so too.

As a part of a joke. In a comedy club. While on stage. Where you make jokes. To try and make people laugh.

Willfully obtuse or just plain ignorant.

He piled on by using a racist trope to get a room of people to laugh at her expense. Yeah. That's some sweet-ass Medieval Times level of interactivity.

"The waitress almost looked like a real Asian!"

[bfj]

Both the traffic and sex trafficking work.

It works even better when the waitress was there to see him make fun of her being yelled at by her boss to a roomful of people. That's the stuff.

You mean the waitress who works in the comedy club, where comedians work and make jokes? That waitress? Wishing someone would relapse is a good one though.

He made it about her race and ethnicity. Thanks, I thought so too.

As a part of a joke. In a comedy club. While on stage. Where you make jokes. To try and make people laugh.

Willfully obtuse or just plain ignorant.

He piled on by using a racist trope to get a room of people to laugh at her expense. Yeah. That's some sweet-ass Medieval Times level of interactivity.

"The waitress almost looked like a real Asian!"

At a comedy club? How dare he?
I hope she’s ok.

[Ryan]

I'm torn here because I don't think the waitress (SERVER!) signs up for all that a comedy club might imply just because she works there but on the other hand I don't care get over it.

[A_B]

Here's a hypothetical: Imagine a person is an employee where they interact with clientele. Maybe it's not a serving position, but maybe it's something similar, where said person is in charge of distributing something, anything, to a table. Who knows what it could be.

Anyway, this person works for the establishment and serves rounds to the patrons. What if, for whatever reason, that person's boss got unreasonably mad at the, um, distributor, and took it out on the person in front of the patrons. The person is likely to already be feeling pretty bad about themselves and maybe even a bit embarrassed.

Now let's also assume that this person is of a certain persuasion that is sometimes made fun of for being associated with a bad thing. I dunno, for this hypothetical, let's say that people who are, shit, unusually tall, I dunno - I'm workshopping here - are stereotyped as people who might be some kind of cheats.

So the boss has yelled at the person, and then let's then say that one of these patrons made a joke about the person, who again, is trying to do their job, at direct expense of the person. Maybe they say "Cut him (or her!) some slack, he's probably just tired from distributing shitty rounds to me while all these other patrons at the table are getting distributed to very well!"

That person might feel pretty bad because on top of already having been yelled at by the boss, now someone is joking that they're bad at their job just because a class they're a part of -- again in this hypothetical it's just being tall and tall people have a reputation as cheaters.

Well, that person might not care for that joke at all and, hypothetically speaking of course, they might think twice about acting like the patron in the future. Maybe they won't, but they definitely should.

[bfj]

I'm torn here because I don't think the waitress (SERVER!) signs up for all that a comedy club might imply just because she works there but on the other hand I don't care get over it.

If it happens at a diner, that’s horrible and out of line. From a comic on stage at an open mic? Get over it.