JOKES

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Wed Mar 12, 2014 10:35 am

And I think #4, einstein woulda figured that out. It woulda been funnier if he had just looked at Newton and said, "I found Pascal" leaving the reader to figure it out.

Gunpowder · Post by **Gunpowder** » Wed Mar 12, 2014 10:36 am

Rush2112 wrote:

Guessing this is the Oprah one. Just found Bill Burr on Pandora a few months ago and he's freakin' awesome.

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Wed Mar 12, 2014 10:37 am

howard wrote:I laughed way too hard at #4. And at #19 (which illustrates my dad to a t.) I need some help on #3, I don't get it.

In order for the answer to be yes, all 3 would have to say yes, since the bartender said "Do ALL of you want a drink?" Since the first 2 guys said they did not know, that meant they wanted a drink. The third guy knew the first 2 must have wanted a drink, so only he could say yes, all 3 wanted a drink.

Thanks for the explanation, AB.

howard · Post by **howard** » Wed Mar 12, 2014 10:37 am

Thanks, AB. I couldn't figure how the IDK indicated the desire of logisticians #1 and #2. Makes perfect sense.

ETA: thank you too, syb.

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Wed Mar 12, 2014 10:37 am

AB_skin_test wrote:And I think #4, einstein woulda figured that out. It woulda been funnier if he had just looked at Newton and said, "I found Pascal" leaving the reader to figure it out.

I needed the extra clue on that one.

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Wed Mar 12, 2014 10:38 am

The Sybian wrote:
AB_skin_test wrote:And I think #4, einstein woulda figured that out. It woulda been funnier if he had just looked at Newton and said, "I found Pascal" leaving the reader to figure it out.
I needed the extra clue on that one.

Definitely much more accessible to the web in that form, plus it gets to portray Newton as kind of a dick!

ZMan · Post by **ZMan** » Wed Mar 12, 2014 11:17 am

howard wrote:I need some help on #3, I don't get it.

It hinges on the word ALL.

The bartender asks if ALL want a drink.
The first man only knows his own answer, so he can only answer 'no' or 'I don't know'
The same applies for the second man
The third man, now hearing that neither the first or second said 'no', now knows that they all want a drink, so he can say 'yes'

P.D.X. · Post by **P.D.X.** » Wed Mar 12, 2014 12:49 pm

ZMan wrote:
howard wrote:I need some help on #3, I don't get it.
It hinges on the word ALL.

The bartender asks if ALL want a drink.
The first man only knows his own answer, so he can only answer 'no' or 'I don't know'
The same applies for the second man
The third man, now hearing that neither the first or second said 'no', now knows that they all want a drink, so he can say 'yes'

But, his answer could also be "no", since neither the 1st or 2nd said "yes". No?

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Wed Mar 12, 2014 1:03 pm

P.D.X. wrote:
ZMan wrote:
howard wrote:I need some help on #3, I don't get it.
It hinges on the word ALL.

The bartender asks if ALL want a drink.
The first man only knows his own answer, so he can only answer 'no' or 'I don't know'
The same applies for the second man
The third man, now hearing that neither the first or second said 'no', now knows that they all want a drink, so he can say 'yes'
But, his answer could also be "no", since neither the 1st or 2nd said "yes". No?

If he didn't want a drink he could have said no since his exception would have proven that they all didn't want a drink, but that kinda makes it less funny, Noam.

howard · Post by **howard** » Wed Mar 12, 2014 1:07 pm

It is really true what they say: it is much funnier when you have to explain it. (Or 'splain).

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Wed Mar 12, 2014 1:11 pm

P.D.X. wrote: But, his answer could also be "no", since neither the 1st or 2nd said "yes". No?

Not exactly. By saying they didn't know, that meant that #1 and #2 wanted a drink. If 1 or 2 did not want a drink, they would have to say no, as the only way the answer could be yes is if all 3 wanted a drink.

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Wed Mar 12, 2014 1:14 pm

A "no" from any of them disproves the bartender. Since the first two didn't say "No" they had to mean "yes." They only said "I don't know" because they didn't know the response of the other logicians who hadn't answered yet, so therefore they couldn't deduce that they "all wanted a beer." The third had all the information in the loop and closed it.

Simple binary, but with an added layer of programming logic.

So he could have said no, but he would still be the only one who didn't want a beer but that would have been enough to disprove the bartender's question. And also to make the joke unintelligible and to come off as either a dick or the designated driver.

kranepool · Post by **kranepool** » Sun Mar 16, 2014 7:15 am

For Jerloma:

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

Johnnie · Post by **Johnnie** » Sun Mar 16, 2014 3:42 pm

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

Obviously not 8 because my basement is still dark.

Denis · Post by **Denis** » Tue Mar 18, 2014 12:00 am

Johnnie wrote:How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

Obviously not 8 because my basement is still dark.

[repost]

That's awesome.

Johnnie · Post by **Johnnie** » Thu Apr 03, 2014 6:00 pm

And also:

Hannibal Buress talks about RiFF RaFF (Liveleak Link)

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Fri Apr 04, 2014 7:49 am

The Roll Tide killed me.

rass · Post by **rass** » Mon Apr 14, 2014 6:14 pm

How do you get 100 dead babies into a bucket?

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Tue Apr 15, 2014 8:28 am

I don't know, rass, how do you get 100 dead babies into a bucket?

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Tue Apr 15, 2014 10:00 am

rass wrote:How do you get 100 dead babies into a bucket?

I'm gonna need a bigger bucket.

kranepool · Post by **kranepool** » Sat May 10, 2014 5:30 pm

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

"The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million Dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say..."

kranepool · Post by **kranepool** » Sun Jul 06, 2014 9:59 am

What’s the difference between an epileptic clamdigger and a prostitute with diarrhea?

The clamdigger shucks between fits.

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Mon Aug 04, 2014 10:45 am

Why was Six afraid of seven?

because 7 was a registered six offender.

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Wed Aug 06, 2014 12:22 pm

Old Time Comedy:

Guy walks into a Dentist's office. Dentist says "How can I help you?"

Guy says "I think I'm a moth."

Dentist's eyes bug out - "What'd you say?"

"I think I'm a moth. You've go to help me."

Dentist says "Listen buddy. If you think you're a moth, then you've got a mental problem. I'm a Dentist, I fix teeth. What you need is a Psychiatrist."

Guy says "Maybe you're right."

Dentist asks "So why'd you come in here?"

Guy says "Your light was on."

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Wed Aug 13, 2014 2:21 pm

I like my coffee like i like my slaves.

Free.

Johnny Carwash · Post by **Johnny Carwash** » Wed Oct 01, 2014 7:50 pm

What do Mario Lemieux and Courtney Love have in common?

They both shower after three periods.

howard · Post by **howard** » Wed Oct 01, 2014 7:53 pm

This is no time for jokes…

rass · Post by **rass** » Wed Oct 01, 2014 7:57 pm

Johnny Carwash wrote:What do Mario Lemieux and Courtney Love have in common?

They both shower after three periods.

I just found a guy named Curt on the 90/91 North Stars. There must be another good answer.

Rush2112 · Post by **Rush2112** » Thu Oct 23, 2014 3:23 pm

There's a wedding in northern Newfoundland, and chairs are flying and women are crying. The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle.
They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter.

"Order in my court", screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?"

Jimmy speaks up, "Well you sees judge, at a Newfie wedding its tradition for the first mate have a dance with the bride. So I gets up there and I'm dancing with the bride. She was grinding up on me you see and Tommy didn't take to kindly to that. So Tommy walks up and kicks her right in the pussy!!!"

"Right in the pussy?!?" The judge cringes as he says, "That must have hurt".

Jimmy says, "Hurt!!?? Broke three of me fingers!!!"

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Thu Oct 23, 2014 7:06 pm

Rush2112 wrote:There's a wedding in northern Newfoundland, and chairs are flying and women are crying. The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle.
They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter.

"Order in my court", screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?"

Jimmy speaks up, "Well you sees judge, at a Newfie wedding its tradition for the first mate have a dance with the bride. So I gets up there and I'm dancing with the bride. She was grinding up on me you see and Tommy didn't take to kindly to that. So Tommy walks up and kicks her right in the pussy!!!"

"Right in the pussy?!?" The judge cringes as he says, "That must have hurt".

Jimmy says, "Hurt!!?? Broke three of me fingers!!!"

rass · Post by **rass** » Fri Nov 21, 2014 7:53 am

Pruitt's reminded me of this joke:

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal.

To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis. "Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?" "No way, mon, I work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica, mon. Have a nice day.'"

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Fri Nov 21, 2014 8:01 am

I've heard that as a Canadian joke.

SWAN and SASKATCHEWAN!

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Tue Dec 09, 2014 8:39 am

Three football fans walk out of a bar. They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush. They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely naked. They call the police and as they wait, they decide to cover the woman up.

The Chiefs fan takes of his hat and covers her left breast. The Chargers fan takes off his hat and covers her right breast. The Raiders fan takes off his hat and covers her crotch.

The police arrive. The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book. He lifts the Chiefs hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book. He lifts the Chargers hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book. He the lifts the Raiders hat, looks underneath, starts to set it back down, stops, does a double-take, sets the hat back down slowly and starts to write in the little book.

The Raiders fan is upset by this. He asks, "What was that? Haven't you seen one of those before?" The detective replies, "You misunderstand. Normally when I look under a Raiders hat, I see an asshole."

HDO45331 · Post by **HDO45331** » Tue Dec 09, 2014 6:42 pm

Pruitt wrote:I've heard that as a Canadian joke.

SWAN and SASKATCHEWAN!

Shorty > Shorty's Bar & Grill Chattanooga, Tennessee.

kranepool · Post by **kranepool** » Thu Jun 18, 2015 7:54 pm

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Thu Jun 18, 2015 8:08 pm

Every Fathers' Day, a guy goes golfing with his father and his teenaged son.

This year, they are told that the course is too busy, they have to be matched up with a fourth. No problem...

Stunning tall blonde joins them - looks like a classic Playboy model. Guys are all amazed. But very polite. So they golf, and she's not bad. The four of them get along and have a great time.

Finally, they get to the 18th. Blonde hits a poor approach and is at the opposite end of a two-tiered green from the hole. 45 feet away. She has no idea how to even come close with this putt. So she turns to the three guys and says "you guys have been so nice to me today. So I'll tell you what - whichever one of you tells me the best way to make this putt, I'll take over into the trees and give him the best blow job of his life."

Teenager jumps in front of her and says, "it's really tricky - it's a double break. So aim it about 30 degrees left of the pin, but make sure to hit it just right otherwise the ball will keep rolling right off the green."

Father pushes him aside and says, "don't listen to him. I've been golfing here for 25 years... it looks like there's a double break, but you really only have to aim about two inches left of the cup. But he's right about one thing - you have to hit the putt just right otherwise it will roll off the green."

Blonde turns to the Grandfather who says, "nah. It's a gimme."

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Thu Jun 18, 2015 8:12 pm

In the distance, a Course Marshall sees a guy on the women's tees. Yells at him - "You can't tee off the womens' tees" but is ignored.

Speeds down the fairway in the cart screaming at the top of his lungs "You can't tee off the womens' tees" - guy ignores him and gets ready to shoot.

Marshall skids to a stop right in front of the tee box and screams at the guy "You can't tee off the womens' tees"

Guy says, "Fuck off, this is my second shot."

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Tue Oct 06, 2015 8:31 am

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

howard · Post by **howard** » Tue Oct 06, 2015 9:53 am

I just left my job.

Really? Why?

I just couldn't work there any longer, not after what my boss said to me.

Wow. What did he say?

"You're fired."

Steve of phpBB · Post by **Steve of phpBB** » Tue Oct 06, 2015 2:25 pm

Pruitt wrote:Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

That's great.

I think I am going to use that joke in court. The ambiguity of the phrase "make sure" or "ensure" is at the heart of the big lawsuit I've been dealing with for the past year.