Will and Harper and... My Daughter?

[Nonlinear FC]

So, yeah, I alluded to this weeks ago. And I've been processing and reading and ... just kind of experiencing... My son told my wife and I that he wanted to come home from his perch in Denver in August and "share some news."

Before this, for many many months, we'd been bugging "him" about coming home, or us going out to visit, but we'd been rebuffed. So, coming home seemed portentous.

Flip to August, sitting in our living room (* - like many of you, this is our family room of 20-plus years. This is where the Christmas tree goes, this is where the spill over with Thanksgiving and Holiday dinner tables reside.) Ryan shows up with pink-hued hair and a slightly different body type. But I'm mostly focused on the hair, because... you know that's just what we do. And I'm not really fully figuring out what the fuck is going on.

She's so scared. And we're so not fully clued in. And she tells us that she is Trans and... Oh, shit... Of course she is... She's never been comfortable, never been happy... really. I won't get into all of it, but she crashed out of Northeastern after a truly life altering scare where she was plucked from the top of a parking garage in Boston. My wife hyperjetting up there to deal.. fucking fuck.

Her name is Siobhan. Luckily for my Succession-laden brain I can easily switch to calling her Shiv. I mean, I'm of Irish descent, so Siobhan isn't the worst thing in the world.

She has since gone on camping trips with new friends and seems so much happier. That's incredibly encouraging to us. She deserves to be happy.

We cried most of the way through Harper & Will.

I'm fucking tired.

[sancarlos]

Thanks for sharing, bud. I know you’re carrying a load, but we are here for you. You’ve got a new road to travel, but keep your chin up. Really glad to hear your kid is feeling better now.

[Rush2112]

Glad that she's happy. Super glad that you're accepting, though man it's gotta be a trip.

My sister transitioned in her late 50s, said she never felt that comfortable in her body previously.

It was a little weird as my (former) brother was always the one I looked up to as my dad wasn't much of a father figure and being raised by two lesbians I didn't have a lot of male influence in my life. As my mom said, it's probably why I like plaid.

[Jerloma]

That is wild and awesome, NLFC. Thank you for sharing. I'm so happy for her.

So did it never cross your mind?

[Shirley]

Wow. That's a lot to process, but at least it sounds like Shiv is on her way to healing and being much happier. And that will make you much happier.

[bfj]

Sounds like Shiv has awesome parents who have her back forever. Lucky Shiv. Thanks for sharing.

[Steve of phpBB]

Thanks for sharing that.

As others have said, Siobhan is lucky to have you both. And vice versa.

[govmentchedda]

Congratulations for her! We should all be so strong to make such bold changes when necessary.

[MaxWebster]

wow NFC - thank you for sharing this. I can't imagine the emotions you all have been going through - but together - which obviously is everything. Your almost throwaway line about going on camping trips and Shiv being happier hit me hard.


Just want to generally shout out how great you guys all are and thank you for this community going on 20+ (!) years - for posts just like *this* - I've dipped in and out and done more browsing than posting but it all means a lot more to me than I let on (to myself) so thanks. <3

[rass]

Great to hear that she's happy and that you guys were there for her.

[mister d]

Congrats to Siobhan. I’m sure your acceptance and support are massive for her moving forward.

[Giff]

Congrats to Shiv! I'm very happy she's happy and has such a supportive base.

[A_B]

I approve of this message.

[Nonlinear FC]

That is wild and awesome, NLFC. Thank you for sharing. I'm so happy for her.

So did it never cross your mind?

I thought she was gay. Like, that would've been a shrug the shoulder coming out. Trans never crossed our minds. Ever.

She liked model trains and played Halo and it just never really presented that way... And we (my wife and I) keep thinking back and there's nothing that leaps off the page.

But I think our generation is probably the last where this just isn't where your mind goes... if that makes sense.

[A_B]

That is wild and awesome, NLFC. Thank you for sharing. I'm so happy for her.

So did it never cross your mind?

I thought she was gay. Like, that would've been a shrug the shoulder coming out. Trans never crossed our minds. Ever.

She liked model trains and played Halo and it just never really presented that way... And we (my wife and I) keep thinking back and there's nothing that leaps off the page.

But I think our generation is probably the last where this just isn't where your mind goes... if that makes sense.

Nope. Same situation here. Thought gay, then that became trans and you learn as you go. And I hope you're right about that last part, because it sucked for my son with his peers at the time, but there are also kids of friends who are slightly younger than mine and they couldn't give a rat's ass and never once treated my son differently once they knew.

[Nonlinear FC]

First off, well, at this point, secondarily... Thanks for all the support, fellas. As Max said, I think sometimes I downplay how much this place means to me. Very much appreciate the kind words.

Thirdly, shoutout to Mr. Bond, who almost immediately offered to share his experience and support.

Finally, for now, Shiv had told a number of his friends many moons ago. Which... I guess I understand... But it kind of broke my wife and I up a little bit. Like... How did she think we were going to respond, right? We wish we could've been there supporting her all along.

The pain/sorrow on our end isn't that she came out, it's that we wish she could've been more comfortable and moving forward in life sooner.

[Giff]

I think it’s probably natural to be very hesitant to tell one’s parents about something like this, no matter how accepting they seem like they would be. Don’t beat yourself up over that.

[Steve of phpBB]

I think it’s probably natural to be very hesitant to tell one’s parents about something like this, no matter how accepting they seem like they would be. Don’t beat yourself up over that.

Yeah I’d have to think so too. Think of the things you’d tell your friends before your parents when you were that age.

[mister d]

I get what you're saying about feeling bad it took so long or you weren't first, but the positive view is that your kid has friends they're so comfortable with they were able to start there and then move forward. No matter how close you are or how accepting they know you'd be, its a massive shift in reality that's probably easier to delay until totally ready.

[tennbengal]

I am still taking a break from here, but popping in to say that you and AB are genuinely good people and parents.

Don't know if I ever said on here specifically, but my oldest at age 26 told us two years ago that they are trans, and so all the years I mentioned Brianna on this board (she was 8 I think when this site came into existence) - that person is now Bren.

I probably didn't handle it as well as you and AB did, but you are also better people than I am. When Bren got married, it was to a trans person (first met them as Tyler, they are now Ember). It was after their marriage that Bren told us his status. I definitely don't really understand any of it, but am still trying to be the best parent I can be.

In any event, you and your wife rule, and well done.

[HaulCitgo]

good luck with the family. hopeful you and the wife can laugh about it so you dont get all worried. seems like a whole new set of never thought about concerns but adults now right so maybe not as much?

[mister d]

I definitely don't really understand any of it, but am still trying to be the best parent I can be.

This is essentially my gameplan going forward for any situations that may come up, be it just the standard "parenting two daughters as a dude" to anything else that can possibly come up.



(Except, of course, any of the -isms.)

[rass]

I definitely don't really understand any of it, but am still trying to be the best parent I can be.

This is essentially my gameplan going forward for any situations that may come up, be it just the standard "parenting two daughters as a dude" to anything else that can possibly come up.



(Except, of course, any of the -isms.)

j-?

[mister d]

JFC, Rass. No, I will not disavow one of my kids if they convert to Judiasm.

[A_B]

JFC, Rass. No, I will not disavow one of my kids if they convert to Judiasm.

What about journalism?

[MaxWebster]

yeah I'm in both of these camps. I suppose especially over the last few years I've had these types of conversations with my wife and kids - like...i don't really understand it, but at the same time maybe it's not really possible for me to understand. Instead just be open and accepting (my niece who may be my nephew at some point....? maybe?) and never judgmental - it's not me going through it so just *be there* in whatever manner that means.

I definitely don't really understand any of it, but am still trying to be the best parent I can be.

This is essentially my gameplan going forward for any situations that may come up, be it just the standard "parenting two daughters as a dude" to anything else that can possibly come up.

[DSafetyGuy]

JFC, Rass. No, I will not disavow one of my kids if they convert to Judiasm.

What about journalism?

If someone picks journalism in this day and age, they deserve what they get.

[The Sybian]

JFC, Rass. No, I will not disavow one of my kids if they convert to Judiasm.

What about journalism?

If someone picks journalism in this day and age, they deserve what they get.

Or Judaism, if the Jews make Trump lose the election.

[The Sybian]

yeah I'm in both of these camps. I suppose especially over the last few years I've had these types of conversations with my wife and kids - like...i don't really understand it, but at the same time maybe it's not really possible for me to understand. Instead just be open and accepting (my niece who may be my nephew at some point....? maybe?) and never judgmental - it's not me going through it so just *be there* in whatever manner that means.

I definitely don't really understand any of it, but am still trying to be the best parent I can be.

This is essentially my gameplan going forward for any situations that may come up, be it just the standard "parenting two daughters as a dude" to anything else that can possibly come up.

I wanted to comment last night, started to comment this morning, but so much to say now...

First, I appreciate all the personal sharing here and the amazing community we have where we can discuss topics like this in a judgment free zone. Or is all the praise for great parenting judgment? This is a topic of interest for me professionally, and I have zero experience personally, and I truly want to understand the reality of transitioning and the emotional dynamics. My previous job, I worked for an extremely Liberal law firm, and we had a partner who transitioned and several employees who identified as gender nonconforming. The partner had transitioned shortly before I joined, and was extremely open about their process and held an open Q&A session for curious people to ask anything without judgment. I worked closely with a non-binary employee that had numerous health, mental and performance issues and felt misunderstood because of their gender lack of identity. Basically, I don't fully understand all that is involved and what people go through who have gender dysphoria, but I want to. My guess, is what we label as one thing today will be subcategorized, as everyone's situation is different.

As someone mentioned, it hits me that NLFC's kid struggled to come out, as from what I know of NLFC, he'd be accepting and loving. What is it like for kids whose parents won't be? That breaks my heart. My daughter has mentioned a kid in her grade, who was on the travel soccer team I coached, identifies as male, but their parents are super-conservative and the kid is terrified to come out. Actually, there are two kids from the soccer team who now identify as male. When my daughter told me, she was super matter-of-fact and said it's kind of normal and she doesn't think anyone at school really cares. I mean, they don't care as in they accept it and move on. She said people refer to them as the male names they asked to be called, and that's it. Being gay is completely normalized as far as both my kids have said. So hopefully we are the last generation that makes this a big deal, and our kids generation will normalize it.

I haven't watched the movie yet, but it's at the front of my queue.

[P.D.X.]

She sounds like a badass. Good on her, and you.

[Nonlinear FC]

I will just say this about the movie. I think that when we look back in 10-15 years, this movie is going to be seen as turning point and touchstone in the overall journey to acceptance of trans people.

[+] spoiler

Without giving too much away, rather than trying to "find the funny" in Will accepting or understanding Harper, the movie leans much more heavily on the importance of their friendship. It's a truly beautiful movie.

I'm definitely going to watch it again in a few weeks.

[sancarlos]

I think society at large is a long ways from where we ought to be. I know that in some states, right now, trans bashing (especially regarding sports) is a cornerstone of Republican attack advertising.

[Giff]

I think society at large is a long ways from where we ought to be. I know that in some states, right now, trans bashing (especially regarding sports) is a cornerstone of Republican attack advertising.

It’s literally all Ted Cruz has aired over the last month.

[DaveInSeattle]

Good on Shiv for living her truth. I can't imagine the amount of bravery it takes to be open and honest about who you are like that.

And good on the NLFC's for being the good and supportive parents.

Cheers to you all!

[Sabo]

I think society at large is a long ways from where we ought to be. I know that in some states, right now, trans bashing (especially regarding sports) is a cornerstone of Republican attack advertising.

A lot (I'm going to guess maybe 75 percent) of the anti-Sherrod Brown ads in Ohio have been about his support of trans kids.

[duff]

Congrats on your daughter being able to live her true self. And on you and your wife being wonderful parents. I parrot everything that has been said upthread.

Like others, my kids (18 and 16) are very understanding of situations like yours. They and their friends just want everyone to be able to be happy how they live their lives. My wife and I fall in line with their train of thought. My mom (78) and dad (79) just went to their first trans marriage. The happy couple both transitioned from female to male. They befriended one of the grooms at church a few years back. My parents struggled with the idea that he used to be a she, but were willing to learn. My mom says she doesn't need to understand why, just to love them as they are. One of them has really struggled with the ridicule and shame that his family gave him, and he told my mom that it is nice to have someone her age be able to love him for who he is.

[sancarlos]

Yes, there is hope for the future. Like the other Swamp offspring, my 23 year-old daughter is very supportive of her trans and gay friends, and is shocked that many old folks are intolerant.

[The Sybian]

Congrats on your daughter being able to live her true self. And on you and your wife being wonderful parents. I parrot everything that has been said upthread.

Like others, my kids (18 and 16) are very understanding of situations like yours. They and their friends just want everyone to be able to be happy how they live their lives. My wife and I fall in line with their train of thought. My mom (78) and dad (79) just went to their first trans marriage. The happy couple both transitioned from female to male. They befriended one of the grooms at church a few years back. My parents struggled with the idea that he used to be a she, but were willing to learn. My mom says she doesn't need to understand why, just to love them as they are. One of them has really struggled with the ridicule and shame that his family gave him, and he told my mom that it is nice to have someone her age be able to love him for who he is.

Good on your parents for attending the wedding. I respect their attitude that they don't have to understand, but are willing to accept and love. I really can't comprehend why anyone would give a fuck about how anyone else identifies or who they love. It doesn't effect anything in your life, and if it makes other people happy or feel their true selves, good for them! I'm getting angry typing this...

[BSF21]

Happy I did my every so often check in and saw this. I know we've got a lot of visibility and experience on the subject around here and not for nothing but I think it's such a testament to you folks character to be the loving and supporting people you are to your families and other people that are "different". It's really refreshing to see.

NLF -- I'm sure that was such a weight off your child's chest and having that support is so critical for "different" communities for mental health and happiness. Your daughter is lucky to have you guys and you her for certain.

TWILTS y'all.

[Brontoburglar]

I can't echo enough what's been said. I've had multiple friends transition over the past couple years and it's been great seeing them embrace themselves. I (and others in our friend group) have also greatly appreciated the ability to ask them our dumb questions out of general curiosity so that we can be better allies. I've learned a lot.