The Official Swamp Dating Thread

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Thu Oct 02, 2014 12:20 pm

You may not have done anything wrong, but if there is nothing there, move on. She might have realized there was no spark, and doesn't have time to pursue something she doesn't expect will work. Could always be some sort of issue on her end, maybe she just broke up with someone and realized she isn't ready to date. Who knows. You can't drive yourself crazy over analyzing it. Just be yourself and be in the moment, not thinking about how it is going or trying to say or do the right thing. Just be, and if it is a good match, you'll get a second date.

P.D.X. · Post by **P.D.X.** » Thu Oct 02, 2014 12:26 pm

degenerasian wrote:Then a string of emails followed which showed we had quite a lot in common.

Guh. You're investing way too much into her before even meeting. She's a friend of a coworker, you shouldn't need to prove yourself over a series of emails, she's already got a recommendation. If schedules don't align so you don't get to meet for a couple of weeks, just ping her every now and then to stay on her radar. Don't write long replies or respond to her emails right away. She basically sussed out that this simple meet-up was A Big Deal for you, which totally killed any vibe she might have felt.

(Here's where I put the standard un-heeded observation that showing up on time, paying, acting interested in her conversation and all that crap doesn't do a damn thing. If you're going to do all that just because you feel obligated, at least do it recognizing that it gives you no advantage whatsoever.)

tennbengal · Post by **tennbengal** » Thu Oct 02, 2014 12:29 pm

Degen - i meant generally letting it go.

Fuck, if I had to date nowadays, I would a mess - I was never able to handle rejection back in the day.

My advice is not something I would probably be able to follow, frankly.

degenerasian · Post by **degenerasian** » Thu Oct 02, 2014 12:31 pm

P.D.X. wrote:
degenerasian wrote:Then a string of emails followed which showed we had quite a lot in common.
Guh. You're investing way too much into her before even meeting. She's a friend of a coworker, you shouldn't need to prove yourself over a series of emails, she's already got a recommendation. If schedules don't align so you don't get to meet for a couple of weeks, just ping her every now and then to stay on her radar. Don't write long replies or respond to her emails right away. She basically sussed out that this simple meet-up was A Big Deal for you, which totally killed any vibe she might have felt.

(Here's where I put the standard un-heeded observation that showing up on time, paying, acting interested in her conversation and all that crap doesn't do a damn thing. If you're going to do all that just because you feel obligated, at least do it recognizing that it gives you no advantage whatsoever.)

I didn't mean to and my emails were not even half as long as hers. But yeah I did keep the conversation going. I actually sussed-out that this meeting was A Big Deal for her!

I disagree, if I don't show up on time I'm DOA. Girls hate that the most. The paying is not as important and can go either way.

Syb: the opposite, she hasn't dated in a long time. I think she's super picky.

Rush2112 · Post by **Rush2112** » Thu Oct 02, 2014 12:36 pm

Do you have bangs in your pictures and then go without when you meet for a date?

P.D.X. · Post by **P.D.X.** » Thu Oct 02, 2014 12:48 pm

degenerasian wrote: I actually sussed-out that this meeting was A Big Deal for her!

Classic trap. She acts excited so you think that you need to mirror that and return it. Her female brain is hoping that you 're a cool cat who won't take the bait. She sniffed you out. Her long emails aren't about getting to know you or seeing what you have in common. She's seeing how in demand you are via how much you're going to invest in her.

degenerasian wrote:I disagree, if I don't show up on time I'm DOA. Girls hate that the most.

You're coming from work. You're a busy guy who's time is valuable. You can text her and say you're running 5 mins late. Much better than sitting there waiting like a good little puppy dog. (I have a friend in Portland who's always 5-10 mins late on purpose. He'll even wait in his car if he gets there early until he sees the girl go in.)

Brontoburglar · Post by **Brontoburglar** » Thu Oct 02, 2014 12:53 pm

If I have to play a bunch of mind games for a date or two, fuck it. Am I really going to want to marry a girl who would consciously think about mirroring, etc?

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Thu Oct 02, 2014 1:04 pm

Don't beat yourself up. It's her, not you. More fish in the sea.

P.D.X. · Post by **P.D.X.** » Thu Oct 02, 2014 1:06 pm

Brontoburglar wrote:If I have to play a bunch of mind games for a date or two, fuck it. Am I really going to want to marry a girl who would consciously think about mirroring, etc?

Consciously?

And isn't writing a whole bunch of crap to get her to like you more of playing a game than the alternative?

Brontoburglar · Post by **Brontoburglar** » Thu Oct 02, 2014 1:41 pm

P.D.X. wrote:
Brontoburglar wrote:If I have to play a bunch of mind games for a date or two, fuck it. Am I really going to want to marry a girl who would consciously think about mirroring, etc?
Consciously?

And isn't writing a whole bunch of crap to get her to like you more of playing a game than the alternative?

I'm ok with subconscious cues -- but going to the lengths of saying to yourself not to do something because you're afraid you won't look like you're in demand enough, etc etc is too far for my tastes. Acting normally seems to net far more dates than worrying about the rules and what not.

And on the last point, what do you mean? Having a conversation or outside the context of a conversation? I also may think less about what I would type in a casual conversation than others because of my profession, so I may not be the best judge of that.

P.D.X. · Post by **P.D.X.** » Thu Oct 02, 2014 2:16 pm

Brontoburglar wrote:
P.D.X. wrote:
Brontoburglar wrote:If I have to play a bunch of mind games for a date or two, fuck it. Am I really going to want to marry a girl who would consciously think about mirroring, etc?
Consciously?

And isn't writing a whole bunch of crap to get her to like you more of playing a game than the alternative?
I'm ok with subconscious cues -- but going to the lengths of saying to yourself not to do something because you're afraid you won't look like you're in demand enough, etc etc is too far for my tastes. Acting normally seems to net far more dates than worrying about the rules and what not.

And on the last point, what do you mean? Having a conversation or outside the context of a conversation? I also may think less about what I would type in a casual conversation than others because of my profession, so I may not be the best judge of that.

I'm just saying that playing it cool and not communicating your excitement over one date with a girl you haven't even met in person (!) is quite a bit easier than trying to sell yourself over lengthy emails. And it's a strategy that entails less thought and energy, so while you consider that approach as "game playing" I'd argue that the converse (lengthy "getting to know you" emails and commonality seeking) is actually more of playing a game. (As taught to you by rom-coms, eHarmony commercials, and people who found their mates 20+ years ago when dating culture was vastly different.)

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Thu Oct 02, 2014 10:30 pm

The twisted ankle story seems fishy, and the fact she suddenly said she had to meet out of the blue makes me think that perhaps she didn't ever really want to go out in the first place. Maybe the co-worker was bugging her.

So in that case, it's nothing that you did wrong.

I haven't dated in just about two decades, so dating in the era of e-mails, texts etc. is completely foreign to me...

HOWEVER - I was set up many times by friends, friends of friends, relatives and co-workers with women who I never would have asked out if I had met them first.

It sucks, but what are you going to do?

My advice - erase this woman from your mind.

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Thu Oct 02, 2014 10:33 pm

Pruitt wrote: I haven't dated in just about two decades, so dating in the era of e-mails, texts etc. is completely foreign to me...

But you are killing it on Tinder?

degenerasian · Post by **degenerasian** » Thu Oct 02, 2014 10:36 pm

Yeah I was a bit bummed out after work so I invited a few guys out for drinks, ranted some more and now it's out of my head.

mister d · Post by **mister d** » Thu Oct 02, 2014 10:37 pm

tennbengal wrote:Fuck, if I had to date nowadays, I would a mess - I was never able to handle rejection back in the day.

I think I'd just be too lazy to. Or I'd do the whole "what are the odds this is worth it" thing in my head and pass. Its exhausting just reading all these single dude stories.

degenerasian · Post by **degenerasian** » Thu Oct 02, 2014 10:41 pm

mister d wrote:
tennbengal wrote:Fuck, if I had to date nowadays, I would a mess - I was never able to handle rejection back in the day.
I think I'd just be too lazy to. Or I'd do the whole "what are the odds this is worth it" thing in my head and pass. Its exhausting just reading all these single dude stories.

I think if you find the right one its not work at all?

Its work for us cause were running into girls who are looking something that doesnt exist.

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Thu Oct 02, 2014 10:44 pm

The Sybian wrote:
Pruitt wrote: I haven't dated in just about two decades, so dating in the era of e-mails, texts etc. is completely foreign to me...

But you are killing it on Tinder?

These kids today. They just have no idea how much work had to be put in to get meaningless sex with strangers. I mean, there's an app for that?

Unbelievable.

mister d · Post by **mister d** » Thu Oct 02, 2014 10:47 pm

degenerasian wrote:I think if you find the right one its not work at all?

Sure, but that can't happen if you're actively seeking, can it?

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Fri Oct 03, 2014 9:52 am

mister d wrote:
degenerasian wrote:I think if you find the right one its not work at all?
Sure, but that can't happen if you're actively seeking, can it?

Great point. I can't imagine trying to date in the 'burbs, I agree with D, it'd be too much work. In the City it was easy, walk outside, go out to a bar, and see all sorts of attractive women. Seeing them right in front of you is motivating, and no effort to find them. The problem is, at this age, I'd be the creepy lecher of the bar.

degenerasian · Post by **degenerasian** » Fri Oct 03, 2014 9:58 am

The Sybian wrote:
mister d wrote:
degenerasian wrote:I think if you find the right one its not work at all?
Sure, but that can't happen if you're actively seeking, can it?
Great point. I can't imagine trying to date in the 'burbs, I agree with D, it'd be too much work. In the City it was easy, walk outside, go out to a bar, and see all sorts of attractive women. Seeing them right in front of you is motivating, and no effort to find them. The problem is, at this age, I'd be the creepy lecher of the bar.

Oh meeting them isn't the problem. I'm the definition of 50 First Dates. I meant if you go out on a date with the right one, it won't seem like work. The married guys here have told stories of "we hit it off right away" or "I knew in 15 minutes I was going to marry her". If it's not the right one, it unknowingly becomes a lot of work.

elflaco · Post by **elflaco** » Fri Oct 03, 2014 2:41 pm

The Sybian wrote:
mister d wrote:
degenerasian wrote:I think if you find the right one its not work at all?
Sure, but that can't happen if you're actively seeking, can it?
Great point. I can't imagine trying to date in the 'burbs, I agree with D, it'd be too much work. In the City it was easy, walk outside, go out to a bar, and see all sorts of attractive women. Seeing them right in front of you is motivating, and no effort to find them. The problem is, at this age, I'd be the creepy lecher of the bar.

have a good friend with an 8yr old who just started dating (single mom, husband tragically passed away when the kid was 6weeks).. we get to hear all the gory details about dating in the burbs from her point of view.. she's done match and other such sites.. for some reason all she seems to get are police-types or accountant/librarians.. the best was the post master from westfield... lots of lonely dudes in their 40s out there.. don't let it be you!

elflaco · Post by **elflaco** » Fri Oct 03, 2014 2:44 pm

i realize that was a pretty pointless post after i removed all of the stories that go along with it. another time.

mister d · Post by **mister d** » Fri Oct 03, 2014 2:57 pm

elflaco wrote:I have a good friend ... 8yr old who just started dating ... dudes in their 40s ... let it be you!

That help?

Gunpowder · Post by **Gunpowder** » Fri Oct 03, 2014 3:02 pm

This thread gives me dick ebola

Dbola!

Brontoburglar · Post by **Brontoburglar** » Sat Oct 04, 2014 12:49 pm

Opened FB to see the top story be the engagement of a girl I dated about 8 months ago. Daaaaamn, that was quick.

degenerasian · Post by **degenerasian** » Sat Oct 04, 2014 1:28 pm

Brontoburglar wrote:Opened FB to see the top story be the engagement of a girl I dated about 8 months ago. Daaaaamn, that was quick.

Did she tell you "It's not you, it's me. I'm not ready to commit!"

Brontoburglar · Post by **Brontoburglar** » Sat Oct 04, 2014 1:57 pm

degenerasian wrote:
Brontoburglar wrote:Opened FB to see the top story be the engagement of a girl I dated about 8 months ago. Daaaaamn, that was quick.

Did she tell you "It's not you, it's me. I'm not ready to commit!"

Yes, the reason she didn't want to continue was because it was long distanceish and she really liked her single life and all her friends.

The guy she's marrying? Apparently lives in KC and I heard a few weeks ago that she was moving here.

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Sat Oct 04, 2014 11:50 pm

Brontoburglar wrote:
degenerasian wrote:
Brontoburglar wrote:Opened FB to see the top story be the engagement of a girl I dated about 8 months ago. Daaaaamn, that was quick.

Did she tell you "It's not you, it's me. I'm not ready to commit!"
Yes, the reason she didn't want to continue was because it was long distanceish and she really liked her single life and all her friends.

The guy she's marrying? Apparently lives in KC and I heard a few weeks ago that she was moving here.

I went out with a woman for a couple of months - she told me horror stories about her asshole ex boyfriend. Drugs, cheating, the whole nine yards.

She blew me off over the phone and a week later, I ran into her as she was walking hand in hand with her ex.

Always remember - men may be assholes, but women tend to be crazy.

degenerasian · Post by **degenerasian** » Wed Oct 08, 2014 5:15 pm

So to finish off that dating story. Co-worker who set me up finally got the girls side of the story. I've been really quiet since that date so we chatted in the lunchroom today.

Apparently girl was not impressed at all, everything from my looks to my status. I'm not good enough for her, she says. Again, she knew what I looked like and what I did for a living before this lunch date.

Co-worker asked me what I wore. I wore this.. basically what I'm wearing today. Black shoes, Black pants, nice light blue dress shirt and a dark blue tie.

not good enough, co-worker says

Fuck, I'm coming from work for a lunch date.

How did you get there?

I could have taken the bus there but I didn't want to chance being late so I took a Car2Go (a smart car service we have here).

Not good enough, co-worker says

Fuck you, I don't drive to work, you want me to specifically drive to work that day to meet her there? She didn't see what I drove anyways, I met her at the restaurant. I hopped on a bus to get back cause the bus was right there after she said goodbye. That must have been a turn off. Next time I'll order a limo service.

co-worker thought I was better than what I really am.

Fuck these girls are fucking insane. No more setups around here for me.

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Wed Oct 08, 2014 6:08 pm

Fuck all that. You wouldn't want a long-term deal with such a shallow chick anyway.

degenerasian · Post by **degenerasian** » Wed Oct 08, 2014 6:33 pm

I need to change course. For some reason i give a vibe that im sophisticated. You all know better that im just a goof. i listen to kpop for christ sake. Yes i get setup with engineers and accountants. And i wonder why it doesnt work.

I need to put out an ad.

Looking for girl to watch football and play pool with me on sundays.

mister d · Post by **mister d** » Wed Oct 08, 2014 6:37 pm

If it helps, I'm an accountant and I have no desire to F you.

(But for real, the takeaway from that should be "oh, that's why she's still single" and nothing else.)

Brontoburglar · Post by **Brontoburglar** » Wed Oct 08, 2014 9:38 pm

I can say with 100000000% certainty that I haven't worn a tie on what can be considered a date.

Keg · Post by **Keg** » Wed Oct 08, 2014 11:06 pm

Brontoburglar wrote:I can say with 100000000% certainty that I haven't worn a tie on what can be considered a date.

Same cannot be said about the bolo...

degenerasian · Post by **degenerasian** » Thu Oct 09, 2014 12:00 am

Brontoburglar wrote:I can say with 100000000% certainty that I haven't worn a tie on what can be considered a date.

I don't either. At work we have a strict dress code. I work for the SEC-equivalent in Alberta. Most departments have to wear suit and tie. Mine doesn't but when I have meetings with those departments I have to wear a tie. So I had a meeting that morning and I figured just keep the tie on for lunch.

We don't even have jean fridays :(

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Thu Oct 09, 2014 6:46 am

mister d wrote: (But for real, the takeaway from that should be "oh, that's why she's still single" and nothing else.)

My wife has a friend who I've known since I met my wife twenty years ago. Good looking, fairly bright but unable to hold down a job other than as a part time trainer. A woman always looking for Prince Charming. In her case, he'd have to be handsome, Jewish - but not too religious, rich with a good job, but not a job that meant he was working crazy hours (she once blew off a Doctor because he was always busy), he'd have to be completely devoted to her, and have to be into yoga and whatever healthy food trends cropped up.

She'd meet a guy, date him three times, find a reason to dump him and then spend months crying over the missed opportunity. One time, a guy (Charles) asked her out again six months or so after she stopped returning his calls. She had spent the interim dating guys and complaining to my wife that none of them were as great as Charles. Well, she went out with Charles twice before deciding that he wasn't the one.

She just turned 45 and is still single.

I don't think there's anything wrong with Charles or any of the other poor schmucks who bought this woman dinner.

Keep looking, but do avoid middle aged Jewish women from Toronto who work part time as pilates instructors. They are as crazy as a bag of snakes.

L-Jam3 · Post by **L-Jam3** » Thu Oct 09, 2014 8:09 am

DeGen, I was joking before, but now I'm serious. I would send a text that says something to the effect of "hey, I get that a relationship isn't in the cards, but I bet we can have a lot of fun fucking. Let me know".

Because at this point, literally, you have nothing to lose.

mister d · Post by **mister d** » Thu Oct 09, 2014 8:31 am

Nothing to lose ... if you ignore the whole "set up by a coworker" thing.

L-Jam3 · Post by **L-Jam3** » Thu Oct 09, 2014 8:43 am

Fuck it. Everyone are adults here. Here's worst case scenario playing out:

Shallow Bitch: Hey, did you know that [DegerAsian] guy you set me up with?

Co-Worker: Yes. Sorry to hear it didn't click.

SB: Well, listen to this. He texted me and said if I want to fuck him, then get in touch with me.

CW: Oh, that cad! He's just like every other man.

Later...

CW: Did you say to [Shallow Bitch] that you would still be up for fucking her?

DeGenerasian: Yes... So?

boxcar · Post by **boxcar** » Thu Oct 09, 2014 8:45 am