Temporary (Still?) Onion Thread

Post by **Shirley** » Tue Aug 27, 2013 8:47 am

rass wrote:Let Me Explain Why MIley Cyrus' VMA Performance Was Our Top Story This Morning

Sometimes The Onion is depressing.

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Tue Aug 27, 2013 2:45 pm

Shirley wrote:
rass wrote:Let Me Explain Why MIley Cyrus' VMA Performance Was Our Top Story This Morning
Sometimes The Onion is depressing.

But certainly a rifleshot on point. At least, in this case.

Post by **Shirley** » Tue Aug 27, 2013 8:59 pm

sancarlos wrote:
Shirley wrote:
rass wrote:Let Me Explain Why MIley Cyrus' VMA Performance Was Our Top Story This Morning
Sometimes The Onion is depressing.
But certainly a rifleshot on point. At least, in this case.

Yeah, that was the depressing part. It was satire, but yet, 100% accurate.

Johnnie · Post by **Johnnie** » Wed Aug 28, 2013 1:08 am

What I didn't realize until after reading that is Meredith Artley is actually the CNN.com managing editor.

She had to go on Twitter and tell everyone she didn't write it.

Basically, The Onion actually put her on blast. It wasn't satire so much as a shotgun to the face of so-called "journalism."

kranepool · Post by **kranepool** » Thu Aug 29, 2013 6:30 pm

Features of Madden 25

With Electronic Arts releasing Madden NFL 25 this week, Onion Sports examines the new and innovative features of the popular football video game series.

Over 30 new running moves that you’ll never figure out how to use
Four-player cooperative mode lets each user control one of quarterback’s limbs
Comes preloaded with 15 NFL franchises; other 17 available for purchase at just $4.99 per team
Controller rumbles every time a player thinks about suicide
Credits featuring full bios of entire software development team are displayed before every game
Gorier finishing moves
More realistic goatee on Carolina Panthers assistant strength and conditioning coach Jason Benguche
Injured players can now be seen on the sidelines denying that they’re experiencing concussion-like symptoms
All your favorite Jacksonville Jaguars
Return of highly popular feature from last year’s game that allows players to punch and kick Jay Cutler repeatedly after a sack
Expanded Create-A-Player features 10 post-career seasons where players must navigate the pitfalls of poor investment opportunities, chronic injuries, and the NFL pension system
Gamers now fined $50,000 for particularly vicious hits
Unlimited footballs

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Thu Aug 29, 2013 7:09 pm

Johnnie wrote:What I didn't realize until after reading that is Meredith Artley is actually the CNN.com managing editor.

She had to go on Twitter and tell everyone she didn't write it.

Basically, The Onion actually put her on blast. It wasn't satire so much as a shotgun to the face of so-called "journalism."

A lot of their editorials are "written" by real people involved. The elie wiesel one was hilarious.

howard · Post by **howard** » Mon Sep 09, 2013 5:27 pm

New Subway Promotion To Honor Subtember 11

kranepool · Post by **kranepool** » Thu Sep 19, 2013 4:01 pm

Prince Fielder Promises To Hit Home Run For Terminally Ill Detroit

DETROIT—Pledging to do all he can for the sickly metropolis, Tigers first baseman Prince Fielder reportedly promised Detroit, a city with a debilitating terminal condition, that the next home run he hits will be for the brave Michigan town, sources confirmed Thursday. “You’ve been a real champ these last few months, little bud, so I’m gonna hit one out of the ballpark just for you,” said Fielder, who admitted that it broke his heart to know the ailing city didn’t have much time left. “You keep watching me up there on the TV screen, okay? You’re so strong. I just need you to hold on a little bit longer.” At press time, sources confirmed Detroit was eagerly watching Fielder and cheering for the five-time All-Star even as its vital infrastructure started to give out.

Pruitt · Post by **Pruitt** » Thu Sep 26, 2013 12:41 pm

The Bills Roster broken down:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/53-wor ... h-season#1

howard · Post by **howard** » Wed Oct 02, 2013 12:14 pm

Jay Cutler Proudly Watches Son Throw First Tantrum

New Pro Football Hall Of Fame Exhibit Allows Visitors To Experience Concussion

Jim Schwartz Allowed To Coach Despite Exhibiting Concussion-Like Symptoms

sancarlos · Post by **sancarlos** » Thu Oct 10, 2013 3:42 pm

Washington Redskins to Change Name.

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Thu Oct 10, 2013 9:49 pm

sancarlos wrote:Washington Redskins to Change Name.

Marcus Vick Doubtful for Sunday shift at Sbarro.

howard · Post by **howard** » Tue Oct 22, 2013 1:43 pm

For some reason this one killed me. Link

howard · Post by **howard** » Thu Oct 24, 2013 2:33 pm

There is still upward mobility in this shit economy:

CEO Worked Way Up From Son Of CEO

And I think the stress of testing kids way too much is starting to show:

Panicked Newborn Didn’t Realize Breathing Would Be On Apgar Test

In other, lighter news:

Eric Clapton Wows Audience With Even Slower Version Of ‘Layla’

Obama Announces Start Of Annual D.C. Spooktacular

“It was kind of a rip-off at the end, though,” Zaffino added. “I thought they’d give us Kit Kats or Snickers or something, but the lady who lives there was just handing out apples.”

heh heh. heh heh. Spook.

kranepool · Post by **kranepool** » Thu Oct 31, 2013 4:23 pm

rass · Post by **rass** » Thu Oct 31, 2013 5:20 pm

Post girlfriend's half naked selfie to the Swamp - 1%

rass · Post by **rass** » Tue Nov 12, 2013 7:10 am

ESPN Searching For A Few Loud-Mouthed Fucks For New Afternoon Program

howard · Post by **howard** » Fri Jan 10, 2014 6:15 pm

Pee-Wee Hockey Player Wishes Dad Cared Enough To Fight At Games

kranepool · Post by **kranepool** » Fri Jan 17, 2014 12:38 pm

Unemployed Detroit Resident Dismayed To Learn Job Opening Is With The Lions

DETROIT—Uttering an audible sigh of frustration as he noticed the franchise’s name in the classified ad, unemployed Detroit resident Chris Segel, 34, reportedly expressed disappointment Friday upon realizing the job opening he’d been considering was with the Lions. “Aw man, I was actually excited about this, but just when I got my hopes up I saw it’s for the goddamn Lions,” said Segel, who dejectedly confirmed after scanning the listing a second time that the facilities management position was definitely at Ford Field with the Detroit Lions. “I mean, I guess I’m applying anyway because it’s a job and I need one, but Christ, this market really is fucking brutal if this shit is all that’s left right now.” At press time, sources reported Segel was eagerly looking into a possible job opportunity with Detroit’s sanitation department.

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Mon Jan 27, 2014 2:00 pm

New Jersey man wins scuffle with 16 foot shark. Not Onion, but a stereotypical Jersey guy in my office was running around telling everyone about this. He was so proud of Jersey, I almost felt bad telling him the article was fake. Some funny lines in there, but the comments killed me (must be a Parks and Rec fan to get the comments.)

howard · Post by **howard** » Tue Feb 25, 2014 6:12 pm

Cancer Diagnosed With Skip Bayless
‘It’s Stage IV Skip Bayless, The Loudest, Most Aggressive Kind,’ Say Doctors

cerrano · Post by **cerrano** » Tue Feb 25, 2014 9:36 pm

howard wrote:Cancer Diagnosed With Skip Bayless
‘It’s Stage IV Skip Bayless, The Loudest, Most Aggressive Kind,’ Say Doctors

we should have a benefit for cancer.

howard · Post by **howard** » Mon Apr 07, 2014 11:34 pm

Physician Shoots Off A Few Adderall Prescriptions To Improve Yelp Rating

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Sun Jun 01, 2014 8:39 pm

Modernized Space Camp Allows Kids to Simulate Frustration Over Budget Cuts

Post by **Sabo** » Tue Jun 03, 2014 2:08 pm

19 Tweets From the Audubon Society/Barack Obama Twitter Feud

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Tue Jun 03, 2014 2:32 pm

Sabo wrote:19 Tweets From the Audubon Society/Barack Obama Twitter Feud

How do they come up with this stuff? Awesome. I never think to peruse the Onion.

The Week in Pictures was good, too. I love "Animal Facing Extinction In 2003 Fucks Its Way Back"

http://www.theonion.com/articles/week-i ... 3,32491/#1

mister d · Post by **mister d** » Wed Jun 04, 2014 1:17 pm

For Brian: "Study Links Drinking While Pregnant to Being at Kid Rock Concert"

Johnny Carwash · Post by **Johnny Carwash** » Tue Jun 17, 2014 8:59 am

Sen. John McCain Pushes for U.S. Troop Presence in Brazil During World Cup

U.S. senator John McCain pushed for a military presence of “no less than 20,000 troops” in Brazil for the remainder of the World Cup to “help the U.S. soccer team finish the job.”

(actually SportsPickle)

rass · Post by **rass** » Thu Jun 19, 2014 1:31 pm

I'm enjoying the Clickhole.

Even though it says that Aerosmith is mad at me.

rass · Post by **rass** » Tue Aug 19, 2014 7:10 am

Area Facebook User Incredibly Stupid

At press time, someone had reportedly fixed everything for the goddamn imbecile.

ha

The Sybian · Post by **The Sybian** » Tue Aug 19, 2014 8:38 am

rass wrote:Area Facebook User Incredibly Stupid

At press time, someone had reportedly fixed everything for the goddamn imbecile.
ha

“This is because we received feedback that people wanted a clearer way to distinguish satirical articles from others in these units.”

How about common fucking sense? I am amazed reading comments on satire articles. I am glad I only see the idiocy on posts by news sites or groups, and not comments on friends' posts. There is an Onion imitator that posts political satire, maybe The Current? Their fake stories are often too close to reality and not funny, so I can see people confusing that site, but the Onion?

Post by **Sabo** » Fri Sep 19, 2014 3:52 pm

Steelers to Wear Patch Honoring Victims of Ben Roethlisberger.

howard · Post by **howard** » Fri Sep 19, 2014 4:35 pm

BREAKING: Adrian Peterson Deactivated By Family

howard · Post by **howard** » Mon Sep 22, 2014 6:30 pm

Obama Sleeping With Louisville Slugger Under Bed Now

kranepool · Post by **kranepool** » Tue Sep 23, 2014 8:14 pm

It’s Just My Luck To Lose Thousands At The Blackjack Tables Every Night For The Past Few Weeks

Let’s face it: Every now and then, you catch a bad break for the entire month of August and most of September.

DSafetyGuy · Post by **DSafetyGuy** » Wed Oct 15, 2014 9:35 am

Police Pleasantly Surprised To Learn Man They Shot Was Armed

howard · Post by **howard** » Thu Oct 23, 2014 5:03 pm

Scientists Announce Today Best Time To Look Directly At Sun

TUCSON, AZ—Citing an ideal absence of obstructive cloud cover, scientists at the National Solar Observatory announced that today will be one of the best times for people to look directly at the sun. “From approximately 1:45 p.m. to 3:45 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, people living in the Northern Hemisphere will have a magnificent opportunity to look straight into our closest star,” said NSO director Valentin Pillet, adding that everyone in the United States should be able to enjoy the astronomical event just by looking up at the sky and directing their gaze to the most intensely bright object they can find. “The best way to take advantage of today’s sun is to keep your eyes wide open—squinting, or even blinking, can compromise the view—and to avoid unnecessary filters such as sunglasses, which diminish some of the most impressive features of the solar surface.” For those who miss the sun today, Pillet said scientists were optimistic that it would make another appearance within most Americans’ lifetimes.

mister d · Post by **mister d** » Thu Nov 20, 2014 3:22 pm

http://www.clickhole.com/quiz/which-one ... e-you-1458" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

A_B · Post by **A_B** » Fri Nov 21, 2014 11:44 am

Temple University Receives Anonymous Donation To Build Center For Discrediting Rape Allegations

mister d · Post by **mister d** » Thu Jan 22, 2015 11:51 am

We may have reached peak Onion with this one ...

[media]http://v.theonion.com/onionmedia/videos ... en_mp4.mp4[/media]